Like most people, I’ve had dreams of a certain nature that involve my wife, but also ones that don’t. I don’t think it’s much of a problem, we can’t control our subconscious, it’s just a part of being male. Or female, I suppose.
However, I had another dream that I can’t dismiss so easily. I was having an erotic dream, when IN MY DREAM I wondered if I should really go through with a particular act, since I was married and all. In my dream I convinced myself to go ahead anyway. When I woke up I had a moment of confusion…what had I done? I had knowingly cheated on my wife! It took a second for me to realize that I really hadn’t, it was just a dream.
Except it’s one thing to have dreams, it’s another to make moral choices in your dreams. It’s one thing to have sexual thoughts, it’s another to…well, consciously isn’t the right word, since technically I was dreaming…but consciously make a choice to disregard a commitment. Everyone is tempted in certain ways, but I like to think I’d be able to resist tempatations that present themselves. Except in my dream I wasn’t.
So the question I have is, how much weight should I give this dream? Is it something to be worried about? I’m not going to discuss this with my wife for reasons that should be obvious, but how would you feel if you found your significant other had a dream like this? Does this dream reveal anything about my moral character, or does it have no more moral weight than most dreams do?
If my SO had a dream like that, I 'd laugh my head off. Even in his *fantasies * he has to check and double-check before he can go ahead and cheat on me. I’d think he was a very good boy.
Everyone cheats in their dreams, I think. I wouldn’t worry about it.
Same here. I’d think it was cute if Mr. Neville told me about a dream like that. I certainly wouldn’t think it reflected on the choices he’d be likely to make in any situation where he was awake- we all do things in our dreams that we’d never actually do.
I often think of dreams as a safe “practice” arena. As in, on some level your brain is testing out “I wonder how I would feel if I did this?”
So, you have your answer. You cheated on your wife and you felt horrible about it. Now, if you ever have the opportunity to actually do so in real life, you know you will regret it.
I know what you mean. I had an extremely erotic dream about my ex-girlfriend the other night…I mean HOT. The thing is, I’ve been happily married for three years, and I love my wife more than anything. In fact, the sex with my wife is better than anything I ever had with my ex girlfriend (who I dated for 5 years…not a short-term thing).
I just chalk it up to fantasy variety. I felt bad after I woke up, but as a completey rational human being, I’d take my wife twice each day and 4 times on sunday, so I don’t worry abou it too much.
I’ve had those dreams too (except about my fiance; we’re not married yet). Same set up - I’m tempted but worry about hurting my SO but I end up going through with it and then feel guilty. I really hope it’s not a Bad Thing!
I agree with Mika. We all do things in our dreams that we wouldn’t do in real life. I had a dream once about catching and gutting fish… something I (personally) just WILL NOT do in real life. Ick! Having a dream about it certainly doesn’t mean I went out and actually did it!
The fact that you feel guilty in the dream I think shows that you’re doing okay.
I wouldn’t think twice about it. For me, it scores negative on the cheat-o-meter. Fantasy is fantasy and reality is reality. I wouldn’t mind if my SO occassionally fantasized about other men while conscious as long as it doesn’t interfere with our relationship. Hell, I assume my SOs will occassionally think about some other guy–it just seems perfectly natural. As long as you don’t act on it and you keep it a fantasy, who cares?
You’re assuming that the “choice” you made in the dream – “I know I’m married, but will cheat anyway” is comparable to making such a choice in real life. It’s not. Your dreaming mind doesn’t work the same way your waking mind does.
I had a dream once, many years ago, where I was some kind of ninja commando. I was running around killing people right and left, just because they were there when I ran by.
I have managed, thus far, to refrain from doing so in real life. Haven’t even really seriously considered killing anyone, not even when they really pissed me off, much less for just walking by.
My theory is that the core of most dreams is an impossibility. The psyche is confused on some issue, and has emotions tied up in worrying about a possibility that is actually contradictory. So, the psyche tries to put itself in the contradictory situation, and by doing so, it learns that it is indeed impossible. That’s why our general experience is that the content of dreams is seductively real, but upon scrutiny, absurd.
So perhaps you dreamed about considering whether you should cheat on your wife (and then deciding to do it) because you recognize that there is something contradictory about that situation. Might I suggest that if you were actually going to cheat on your wife, it would be precisely because you weren’t considering her feelings. To me, it sounds like that possibility is equally an absurdity in your case.
Another aspect of dreams is that they usually evoke an emotion that is underrepresented in your waking life. Perhaps that is why you made a choice in your dream to evoke that feeling. Perhaps you don’t have enough opportunities in your life to feel that sensation of guilt, selfishness, and power that you internally crave. Your dream dissipates that to an extent. But perhaps you can satisfy that desire in some harmless way, like stopping somewhere on your own, on the way home, and getting yourself a treat.
This has happened to me a couple of times lately. Except in it I actually tell the woman I’m married and I want no part of it. Then I wake up all pissed off because of it.
Same here.
I think in some ways dreams are the release valve on your consciousness. They allow the discharge of pressure so the whole think doesn’t go BLAMMO!
If you can’t have a complete escape while dreaming, when can you? The fact that you’re so worried about this says a lot about you. Your wife is a lucky woman.
My husband did the exact same thing once. He felt bad about it and told me. I assured him that it was all right, and that he didn’t need to worry about anything that he dreamed. I thought it was really cute and sweet, though :).
I’ve been married for more than 25 years. IMHO, the only way that any kind of dream would register on the cheat-o-meter would be if the dreamer sleepwalked out of the house and had sex with somebody.
If erotic dreams count as infidelity, I’ve been breaking my marriage vows several times a night for many years.
Thing is, it’s not erotic dreams. I agree, plain old erotic dreams are harmless. Except, in almost all cases where one has an erotic dream, one’s marital status never comes up. Same with violence…violent dreams aren’t a problem.
It isn’t that I had an erotic dream, it’s that I had a dream where I knew I was committing adultery and did it anyway. If I didn’t realize I was commiting adultery, no harm no foul. The problem is going ahead even though you believe in your dream that it would be adultery.
Now, of course I’m not taking this all too seriously, but it was kind of disturbing for a few minutes after I woke up.