How 'bout that... it's been a year since we decided to split up

October 3rd last year I posted my thread about my marriage ending. It’s been a year since we decided to separate and divorce. An anniversary of sorts - it snuck up on me.

It’s odd both the things that have changed and the things that feel unchanged. Hurts and wounds I thought would be healed are still painful if I “prod” at them. Other things seem like a lifetime ago.

I came to a realization a day or two ago. It was prompted by a posting here on the SDMB in a thread about cool things your parents had done. In it, Cyn’s mother says her ex-son-in-law didn’t deserve her daughter.

Wow. That really made me think of what I deserve from a relationship

Perhaps it’s the quiet voice in the back of my brain, the one that tells me that I’m not good enough, that little self-esteem destroying monster that lives in my brain’s dirty corners, it’s that voice that lays all the doubts. All her lies, all her justifications, I kept feeling like somehow, someway, I’m at fault. It’s hard not to play the “what if” game and second guess all the events and decisions that lead to the divorce.

Cyn’s posting, though, just sort of lit-up in my brain that I didn’t deserve this. I deserved to be treated better than she treated me. I deserved fidelity in my relationships. I deserved to be respected. I deserved to be loved by my wife.

You, my lovely wife, violated the covenant. You took from me what I was due. I deserved better than that. I deserved better than you.

Why did it take a year to realize this?

I want to walk up to my ex-wife and scream…

I deserved better that what you did!

…except that would be helping nobody.

Our lives have diverged but still have to interact because of the kids. Keeping the peace is important.

She’s moving in this week with her new boyfriend. The kids are happy, they’ll have a place to ride bikes and they’ll each have their own room. Ron, the boyfriend, seems a decent man but I can’t speak to him. If he’s in the room when I drop the kids, I just ignore him.

I’m still dating my lovely lady friend. She sent me a note late last night that speaks of her love for me. I’m twitter-pated with the sentiment.

She writes, “You beg me to breathe when I am with you since I have all but held my breath when we are parted. I long to talk to you and be with you and think about you and us…”

“Love you, adore you, need you, desire you,” she says.

The poetry comes hard for me to respond much beyond, “I love you, too”. I’m limited in my expression but I’m hoping she feels it in my touch and sees it in my eyes.

We’re good together, my lady and I. We’re comfortable in each other’s arms. There’s no pretense, we’ve long ago dropped our “presentation selves” and see each other warts and all.

It’s an effort to remember that, for the kids to come first, we have to throttle our relationship to keep from leaping into emotional decisions. That part has probably been very good for us. For all the logic and reason that drives my daily life, when it comes to love, I’m quite the emotional fool.

The pain slowly fades and maybe the year’s passing will mark a change from looking back to looking forward. I’m hoping it will. Some comes from deliberate effort, some from natural changes. I’m hoping that more and more will feel more natural and less like deliberate effort.

I wonder what this posting will sound like in another year.

I’m very glad to read that you’re doing better. I hope you and your lady friend continue to grow in love for one another.

Great post, Belrix. It’s a radical thought, but I’ve come to think that EVERYONE deserves to be happy and treated properly. Even people who act badly deserve it; I think a lot of their bad actions would stop if they were happy and being treated properly. Anyway, good for you. Best wishes for your continued happiness.

I love this post. I am really glad you shared your thoughts here. I hope I never have to know what getting a divorce is like, but I suppose it’s like many traumas, in that some wounds heal quickly and others seem to hurt for a long, long, time. I can feel your hopefulness about your new relationship, and I wish you many happy blessings as you move forward with your life. Hope you always know you have support here no matter what.

I’m glad things are going well for you. You are right - you didn’t deserve what she did. I am glad you have come to realize it wasn’t your fault. May the future bring you much happiness.

Good on’ya, Bel this is good news.

As far as jumping too quickly with the current ladyfriend, what’s the hurry? You’re in the FUN new-car-smell part of the relationship, have fun there for a bit.

I am glad to hear that you are feeling better. You express yourself so well in your posts.

In time it will become easier and feel more natural and I am glad your new relationship is going well. We all deserve to be happy and be treated with love and respect.

You posted that you can not bring yourself to speak with the new BF but I would suggest you try. He is a “parent figure” in your childrens home with their mother.

I know the relationship my second husband had with my first husband, the father of our children, was an important one. It was good for my kids to see that they could get along. When there was a school or sporting events we all sat together as a united front. It is important that children see that all the people responsible for their care and growth are on the same page even if it is in the most basic ways.

I am not suggesting you be best buds but a simple “hello and good bye”. Your kids are young and there may be issues down the road that could require communication with Ron and if at the very least there has been minimal exchanges then it could make things easier. I know it is not as simple as it sounds by a long shot but something to think about.

I want to say take care of yourself but it appears you are doing just that.

I know, I know. But I’ve always been a leap-then-look type when it comes to love. I get swept away. My concern for my kids, especially my effort to keep changes in their lives to be slow and predictable, has acted as a throttle on this current relationship.

It’s tough at times - especially when she leaves my home to return to hers. The apartment always feels big and empty after that.



I should print the OP and read it everyday.
Mrs. Z moved out almost 2.5 years ago and I’m just getting around to starting over.

Good on you for this!! Divorce is difficult and painful for kids, no doubt, but your children are lucky that they have a father who understands this and is working to minimize it. Not all parents are willing to make the effort.

Happy anniversary of sorts, Belrix. It must be the week for it - October 1 was the first anniversary of my marriage breakup. It’s been a weird week for me because the divorce stuff is finally happening - you have to be separated 12 months before you can file for divorce here, so we signed the papers on Thursday. We went out for coffee after and chatted a little, but seeing him again has me dreaming about him again. I hate that because I don’t dream about reconciling or moving on, I always dream that I’m attempting to ruin his life. I guess I still feel like he ruined mine. Anyway, three weeks until the papers get rubber stamped and another month until the divorce is final, so I suppose it’s appropriate that a marriage that began at Christmas will end around Christmas too.

He’s living with his new girlfriend and that’s something that torments me, but only because once we were friends and hung out together, and now I know she has no idea about how he used to speak of her. She’s not the one he had the affair with and I still think she’s a lovely person, and it bothers me to think of her being with a man who used to describe her to his friends as “Fun, but so ugly that her looks put guys off before she even opens her mouth”, who told me just weeks before they got together that “she considers herself lucky if she gets a boyfriend because she knows how unattractive she is, so she will put up with anything from him just to keep him”. When I dream, I dream about telling her the truth about how he’s spoken about her behind her back for as long as he’s known her. I know it would hurt her, but I feel like maybe I could save her eight wasted years, and then she’ll never have to hear him say “I always had doubts about you because there were always things I didn’t like about you, but you were the only girl who would sleep with me so I married you anyway”.

That is one hell of a sad story. You do tell yourself that you’re better off without this guy in your life, I hope.

Oh, hell yeah. Hindsight is 20/20 they say.

I’ve read Belrix’s original thread and also yours, although don’t think I posted in either. What struck a chord with me was your husband’s removal of those photos. It’s the little things that get you, isn’t it?