I have a strong bond with my 3-year old god-daughter and usually baby-sit her once a week. Sometimes, when her parents come to pick her up, she doesn’t want to go and will leave quietly and not say good-bye.
Also, since she lives with my 16 year old son, I will sometimes see her when I pick
him and play with her a little bit. The problem is that, when I leave, she’ll sometimes go quiet and hide somewhere and refuse to say good-bye (as if she’s mad at me).
When I see her again about a week later, she’s happy again and it’s as if nothing happened. Luckily, she doesn’t do it every time.
I am wondering if there is anything I could do so that when we part company, she doesn’t feel abandoned or whatever is causing her to get mad.
It’s a bummer to invest time full of fun with her, only to have her leave without saying goodbye or giving me a hug.
What you need is a little Good-Bye Song & Dance. Any kind of ritual will do, and you don’t have to sing it well. Clapping and marching are a big hit with mine.
You can also use the clean-up song ("Clean up, clean up, now it’s time to clean up, clean up, clean up, everyone everywhere) as your ritual. Picking up toys is a good way of transitioning - mine do that when we leave Grandma’s.
The good-bye hugs and kisses don’t always come anyway - try not to take it personally.
She’s really young and maybe doesn’t fully understand when she has to leave, she will see you again very soon. I don’t know much about kids, but maybe talk to her in simple terms happily ‘I’ll see you again in [a few days, a week, etc] and we can play again!’ and I think the cleaning up the toys thing is a good transition as well.
Does she have advanced warning that you’re leaving? I find that if I let the kids know “ten minutes til I have to go home”, “five minutes til I have to go home”, etc. it helps.
I’m just curious…what realtion is this child to your son (that she lives with) that she is your goddaughter and not his step-sister or your niece or something?
hey, great ideas…she likes this “patty-cake” thing that we do (patty cake, patty cake, baker’s man, etcetera). I’ll try that next time when we part company and try to turn it into a ritual.
Does anyone know what the hand gestures are supposed to be on that little rhyme by the way? We start off clapping our hands against each other and from there I’ve ad-libbed it.
To answer Kittenblue’s question, she is my ex-wife’s daughter by another marriage and my son lives with them. yeah, it know, it’s wierd but the Dad is cool with it and she’s got a really cool personality (likes to laugh at 3 Stooges type of comedy) and is really gutsy for a baby.
Make it a routine, whatever you do for The Departure.
Always reaffirm her with a " I always come back."
Then, make a clean break.
The worst thing you can do is linger. Lingering means the child has control over you and you ( not YOU you, per se) are too wishy washy to handle the situation. Kids stop crying ( the first time is the longest) and eventually the go about their business like you never existed.
Work in a preschool some times. The children who have mommy issues are the ones whose mom’s linger and dither. I was a lingerer…I’m now a punt-them-into -the-school-from-the-drop-off-line
I have the same issue with my ex-boyfriends babysister. The dynamics of his family are a bit weird - he’s 25, his brother is 16 and his sister 3. Anyways ater we broke up we still lived together so most holidays and maybe every other month we go up and visit his family. She’s offcourse a tad too young to understand the whole gay relationship concept so she always referred to me as her 3rd brother. She and I get along very very well and I will be in the center of her undicided attention when I’m there. To the point where I have to read the bedtime story, I have to cut her meat into smaller pieces, etc, etc…I don’t have any problems with that except when leaving time comes around. I wish she would just not say anything instead in her case she throws a hissy-fit. And quite the hissy-fit it is - screaming, crying, running around, locking herself in her bedroom…It gets to the point where I feel bad for visiting knowing the drama that ensues when I leave.
EuroMDguy - the thing I’ve learned with my kids is “bad” behaviors aren’t isolated issues. If she’s having a huge hissy when you leave, she’s probably doing it at other times, too, and it’s being rewarded. So getting her to stop doing it regarding you is not easy.
But I agree w/Shirley, you have to be willing to just survive her fits, you can’t necessarily placate her. Try a good-bye song and dance, and then GO.
Another good-bye ritual that can help is having her wave from the window or door. Her parents could talk about what they’re going to do after you leave, and you can talk about what you’re going to do on the next visit. Anything to help her see that good-bye isn’t forever.
O2BDumb - what we sing (and this is vastly made up) is:
Patty cake patty cake
Baker’s man
Bake me a cake as fast as you can (all with clapping)
Roll it all up (rolling motion)
And throw it in a pan (flinging motion)
And then we’ll have some cake for… (dancing motion)
(lots of people us “mark it with a B, and put it in the oven for Baby and me!”, but around here we prefer to fling)