Ain’t that always the way? They always apologize long after you need them to.
Or they never do.
Two years after my [adoptive] mom’s death I am reacting in exactly all of the ways I expected to: guilt for not making it up to her sooner (I tried), sadness that we never had a proper relationship, longing and wistfulness to have my mom back, even if she never was my mom.
I knew I’d feel like this. Doesn’t make it any easier to stomach. 
While I was a very wanted child by both parents, my children are adopted and certainly weren’t wanted by either parent.
It makes me so incredibly sad. They are beautiful and smart. They are everything any parent would ever want. And there were some jerks out there who couldn’t be bothered with them.
There’s also my best friend who just had a beautiful, sweet and charming little boy. She doesn’t want him and you can tell by how she treats him. Makes me just want to swoop in and save the little guy.
My point is that no matter how wonderful a child you were or person you are, these people are too stupid to deserve to be in your life. You weren’t not wanted for who or what you are but because of who and what they were.
I wish I could give you all big hugs.
(emphasis mine) This sums up my relationship with my Mother. Thank you,** Slithy Tove.**
Me too.
I knew of a couple that had something like 10 kids and they didn’t want a single one of them. I believe that the father was OK, but very sick and so couldn’t do much for them. The mother was probably mentally ill.
One by one, the state took them all away.
One ended up in the care of a friend. She ended up adopting him, and then later one of his brothers. She’ll give them all the love they ever need.
I’ve been reading every post closely, by the way. All touching stories.
Fascinating thread for a new parent to read. Thanks to everyone for sharing.
May I ask if people would be willing to share their experiences with therapy? Has it been helpful at all in reconciling the past, making good choices going forward, etc.?
How can you be best friends with a person who treats their child like shit?
This might sound counterintuitive, but the less I focus on it, the happier I am. CBT really helped a lot to get me out of my own head, ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) helped me to accept the impact these things have had on my life and focus on what I value in the now. Prolonged exposure therapy had a dramatic impact on the traumatic events, such that I wish I’d done it ten years ago instead of suffering all that time. One thing that really helped was studying social problems in grad school, and taking a child welfare course, and realizing just how much worse my life could have been. I don’t deny it helps some people to ‘‘talk it out’’ but for me, constantly thinking about it allowed me to wallow in my own self-misery. In fact, this thread has made me pretty depressed. I can at least recognize that this is something I do to myself.
As for making good choices for myself, I’ve been pretty consistently doing that for a long time. Maybe it was fear of the alternative, of making the same mistakes, that drove me, but for whatever reason I have made choices to bring a lot of positivity and love in my life.
Some days she’s good, some days not. She and a friend recently argued - TheKid was expressing understanding what it’s like to miss a parent. Her friend snapped, said “My mom is dead, your dad isn’t”. TheKid replied “At least you have closure”.
After my dad died, it was bad for her - she felt she had no ‘dad’. That when her cousins and her godfather really stepped in. Her godfather was her dad’s best friend, so being with him reminds her of when things with good with her dad (if that makes sense). He makes a conscious effort to be a part of her life as much as she allows it. He attends all important functions, he texts her just to say he loves her, she knows he will be the one to walk her down the aisle. Her cousins are not there emotionally as they just aren’t those kinds of guys. They’re the “I’m in trouble, who do I call other than Mom” guys. Her dad’s family, those we associate with, keep her tied to that side of her family. She knows her roots there, despite how effed up they may be.
And I guess some of it stems from the fact that she never really had her dad as an important part of her life. He was pretty much gone from being a full time parent by the time she was a year old. From then until a few years ago he was at best a weekend dad (if he had a girlfriend who was willing to spend time with her), at worst a guy who kept his stuff in our basement while out impregnating a girl 9 years older than our daughter. How can you miss what you never really had? The fathers she know are from media and a few of her friends that came from two-parent household.
I’ll share with you one of my proudest parenting moments. My husband left me with three small (planned for) children because he’d decided that being a husband and father wasn’t the life he wanted. We didn’t see him for many years after that but he did pop back in for a bit and spent a day with the kids. I guess he’d decided to meet up with them when they were older and give his side of the story because he said to them “I’m sure your mom has said some really bad things about me over the years and I’d like to explain” To which my son responded “actually, she’s only ever said nice things about you.”
Well, the moment I heard he’d said that made all the tongue biting absolutely worth it. I never said a single bad thing to them about their dad. So yeah, I lied through my teeth and said he loved them but couldn’t be with them and it was ok to be sad about that but we’ve got to move forward. It wasn’t easy but I’m glad I did it.
This is very similar to my kid’s situation, but we’re still waiting for the non-toxic members of his family.
She’s at the age now where if she receives presents from that side of the family (usually late, innapropriate and obviously second-hand) she’s responsible for writing a thank-you note. She takes all the “sorry I’ve missed your last three birthdays, you are my treasure. My cat loves you. You are so special - even though I’ve never met you and turned down every opportunity to.” bullshit and tosses it in the trash with the wrapping paper. Then she writes a brief, polite note, posts it and forgets all about them again.
She says she only cares about the family who really care about her.
I am trying to learn from her.
One of the nicest things that anyone has ever said to upset me was at my paternal grandfather’s funeral. One of his neighbors talked about him, saying how he was so good to his kids, just like a grandfather to them…
See, I was twenty-three at the time, and he was my last grandparent: Dad’s mom died before I was born, Mom’s mom died when I was seven, and my beloved Grampy died when I was eighteen. My last grandparent was a guy I’d only seen a handful of times my whole life, not because he was far away, but because as soon as my grandmother died, he decided he didn’t want to be a father anymore, and stopped speaking to his four biological kids and the two stepsons he’d raised since the ages of 2 & 3. So, like all of his REAL grandkids, I hardly knew him simply because he didn’t want to be bothered with us or our parents. It wasn’t until he got old and sick and lonely that he ever reached out to any of his kids again after ignoring them all for a couple of decades.
That poor guy was trying to say something comforting, and I’m sure he was puzzled by my reaction, quiet anger. Not at him, of course, but at the self-centered old man who could actually be nice to kids as long as they were conveniently located next door.
So I do know why the people in this thread’s parents didn’t want them: like my grandfather, they’re selfish bastards.
It sounds like you’re saying that people who get pregnant by accident and don’t choose abortion are “jerks” and “stupid”. Do you believe that?
perfectparanoia, is it possible that your friend is suffering from post-partum depression? PPD can make a new mother reject the baby. Is this something you could gently raise with her? I’d read up on PPD first, then have a chat where you ask her how things are going.
I know, after my mom died, I heard all kinds of stories about how wonderful she was with other kids. Thanks, mom.
This thread makes me want to hug my family more than I already do.
And now I’m feeling super guilty about missing my niece’s wedding.
I was adopted as a baby. My parents never hid it from me, which is likely why I’ve never particularly given a shit. I never even thought it was unusual in the least, and couldn’t figure out why my elementary school classmates would respond with incredulous "nuh-UHHHHH!!!"s when I told them about it. Never saw what the big deal was, and that attitude has never left me. My adoptive parents are my parents, I’m alive and not dead, and basically things could be a lot worse. While I’ve wondered from time to time about my birth parents, I’ve never felt an overwhelming desire to look them up. I assume they had their reasons, and at least they didn’t go the coathanger route.
I can think of three other people I know who looked up their own birth families. One of them met a warm, loving and stable extended family that embraced him fully-- a Hallmark storybook ending. Another discovered a twisted, dysfunctional family tree of criminals, drunks and drug addicts, poor white trash straight out of “The Heart, She Holler,” and got way more than she bargained for. The third person’s parents didn’t want anything to do with her, and flatly turned down her contact request.
To me, it’s a random accident in the distant past left well enough alone. My adoptive parents are my parents, I’m alive and not dead, and basically things could be a lot worse.
My mom left when I was in 2nd grade. 7 kids, just my blue-collar dad, who was an absolutely amazing guy (he died when I was in college).
She decided to move back to the area when I was in high school. I hadn’t seen her in years and then she just shows up. She spent the next 18 years trying to be part of my life and I never (really) let her. Sure we talked from time to time, and visited here and there, but I pushed her away and remained distant and aloof. I couldn’t forgive her. She died this past summer of cancer, and although I was there for her at the end (we all were) I still feel like sh*t for how I treated her. No moral to this story, just felt like sharing.
He’s a newborn and she has post partum depression. It will pass. (I hope.)