Clarification: my kids were adopted at the ages of 5 and 6. The mother didn’t make the deision to put them up for adoption, it was made for her by the province.
So, she (and other parents who chose to keep their unwanted children and then neglect them) is a jerk.
Oops. Missed this one. Yeah, PPD for sure.
Helping where I can. Just frustrated since the little guy is so wonderful in my eyes. Outwardly, I am doing everything to help her along and not be judgmental.
I don’t particularly like my SiL, but hey, she’s now a package with Middlebro. There’s times I’d like to smack Middlebro with something heavy, solid and hardcover, but hey, he’s still one of those two brothers I coparented and did the best I could to raise right.
One of my faults in Mom’s view is that I’m a girl; one of my nephew’s faults in SiL’s eyes is that he’s a boy :rolleyes: That shit makes me want to smack both “mothers” into the next milennium, and we just started this one!
As for Middlebro, one of the things he’s inherited from Dad is a tendency to expect utter perfection from himself and his children. The kids are absolutely amazing, but their shit’s still brown and smelly. Sorry, dude, it’s called “biology”.
So while I don’t think I’d call either one my best friend, I consider it my duty (and one undertaken freely, it’s not one of those “oh noes I must do this” duties) as my brother’s sister, as my nephew’s aunt, and as the eldest’s godmother, to grit my teeth when SiL and Middlebro treat their kids like shit - until I find a good opening to perform an attitude adjustment.
Saying “bah, those two are such idiots! how is it possible to decide that you will never have a good relationship with your baby based on ultrasound results! how is it possible to get angry because your boy wants to be the smartest kid in class when he’s got a competition of one (his best friend)!” and dropping the relationship would, even if the father wasn’t my brother, feel like abandonment of those kids, when I happen to be someone who’s got that Attitude Adjustment Power.
My Dad taught me that when you have the power to do bad you close it up tight, and when you have the power to do good, you use it as much as you can. Neither he nor I always get it right, but damnit I’ll sure try. And my own mother’s best friend performed a lot of Attitude Adjustments on her… I hope perfectparanoia can do the same.
Can you address it directly? Encourage skin to skin contact, cuddling; fake it till she makes it. Oxytocin is a wonderful, relationship enhancing drug, and it’s free if one can turn on the tap.
I think I need to clarify. She is certainly taking care of the kid. Lots of skin to skin. She’s breastfeeding. She is doing her best.
She just isn’t feeling it. And no matter how much you try to tell people about the 24/7 nature of being a parent, you don’t get it until you are there.
She is mourning her old life more than anything else. She just wants a little freedom from the little dude (and a solid night’s sleep). I am trying to infuse small bits of her old life and give her some freedom (with some help from her husband and mine).
Of course, now my baby is jealous (he’s almost 8 but he’s my baby). I want to be there for her but I have to be there for my son.
This is exactly my experience. Never met another adoptee who has this attitude.
My SIL was adopted and never really had a problem with it. It just wasn’t a big deal in my husband’s family. She was told as much about her birth Mom as possible, and for a while birth Mom and adoptive Mom exchanged letters.
A couple of years ago (she was 19) sis found her birth Mom on Facebook. Now she has a whole 'nother family that adores her, including more brothers and nieces and nephews.
I really think, when it comes to adoption, the way the adoptive parents handle it is key. Especially for kids with a different ethnic background, learning about their heritage can be critical to their personal identity. Some adoptive parents refuse to discuss the child’s parents and get freaky jealous when they start looking for their birth parents.
perfectparanoia, if you don’t mind me asking, how did you find your kids? I’m just curious because I really want to adopt around that age range and we have talked about raising siblings together.
Absolutely agree.
From the Children’s Aid Society. Actually from an event thrown every six months where each children’s aid society in Ontario has a booth in a conference centre.
At each booth, they have social workers and profiles of children who are ‘hard to adopt.’ In the case of many of these children, they are only difficult to place because they are siblings. Few parents want two children (or three or four) at a time.
Luckily, we did want two children (and were considering three). We applied for five sets of children with their workers.
All five got back to us (we were good candidates, young, well-off, etc.). We set up interviews with two of the workers (three were eliminated after we received more information about the children; we didn’t feel we could handle some of the problems they would have). We interviewed for our kids and then had a brief meet and greet (posing as friends of the foster mom) and that was it.
ETA: if you PM me your location, I can find out how sibs are placed in your area.
If they told me ahead of time, and didn’t treat it like a dirty secret, I would probably be ok with it, too. 
But the fact that they did, the way I found out, and the way everyone reacted after it happened, (oh noesssssssss!!!) caused plenty of trauma.
I greatly appreciate your willingness to do this, however it is almost a guarantee we won’t be living in this state (or even this region of the country) at the time we are ready to adopt. Thank you very much for sharing your experience.
My bio-mom put me up for adoption apparently because my bio-dad was killed before I was born.
She sealed the court records too so I guess she really did want to have a clean start. It’s weird, awkward, and uncomfortable to imagine I might have a mom still alive out there in the world somewhere, so I don’t think about it very often. I can also think of many situations, some that I have witnessed nearby, that make me feel appreciative for the situation I ended up in and for the family that raised me. I have wondered what it might be to meet my mom, though. I do not know what I would say, can’t imagine a more awkward moment.