Well, I’ll never have a good use for this, might as well post it for entertainment value. I was told to write down my knowledge of Genesis as an exercise in evaluating popular knowlege.
Creation according to Kevbo:
In the beginning (how we know it was the beginning is left as an exercise to the reader) there was darkness. God said “Let there be light!” and there was light. God then made the earth, sun, moon and stars. Where the light in the previous step came from before god made all the light sources is a mystery ™.
God made man, named Adam, and plants and animals and fishes. (Bible is big on distinguishing between fishes and land animals) Significantly, there is no mention of God making any extremely large lizards, flightless birds, or other extinct species the fossil records tell us have roamed the ancient earth.
God made Adam in his image, but somehow Eve never had trouble keeping them straight.
But I’m jumping ahead. God saw that man was lonely and rather than have to keep seeing that or have Adam him go blind, he made a woman named Eve. By a huge stroke of luck Adam and Eve were both straight and romantically compatible, thus explaining why humanity has survived.
All this took only 6 days. This aggressive schedule was accomplished by doing things in exactly the right order, which the Bible makes a big deal out of, just in case anyone else plans to create another universe I guess. I can’t recall what he did on each day, but everyone knows that on the seventh day God [del]watched football and drank beer[/del] rested. Actually, I can’t recall if God got around to Adam that first week or not. For sure Eve was a follow up project though…I guess women have always needed longer to get ready.
With only one man, and one woman on the whole planet, it is not clear why Adam and Eve needed names. There were many copies of various animals, but none of these needed names apparently. Possibly Adam got into the habit of talking to himself and God before Eve came along. Eve also had at least one conversation with a snake, perhaps it wasn’t so silly that they needed names…but I am getting ahead of myself again.
Adam and Eve were provided with a sweet garden, called Eden, in which to live. Since other places are not mentioned at this point in the bible, it is unclear why this place needed a name. Eden, at any rate was a great place, with abundant food and tropical climate, such that clothing was not only optional, but unknown.
God made a big ol’ rule about not eating the fruit of one particular tree. Traditionally an apple tree, but I think the bible is actually ambiguous on the variety of fruit. A serpent with no name influenced Eve to break this rule. Why an all knowing god ever thought the rule would be obeyed is an exercise left to the reader. Similarly the question of why God made the serpent, and why talking serpents have become extinct is not explained. A pet talking python would be really cool: “Polly wantssssssss a live rabbit!” I guess there was only ever one talking snake, which explains why it didn’t need a name.
OK, I am drifting again. It has always seemed to me that God knew very well that sooner or later Adam or Eve would break the rule, but he miscalculated how long it would take and got impatient, and so sent the talking snake to hurry things along…just so he would have an excuse to punish. Pretty much a dick move if you ask me.
Somehow Adam and Eve then realized that they should be wearing clothing instead of running around starkers, which they now decided was bad. They didn’t have cars or television, or the internet, or Big Gulps, or McDonalds so they were probably both in pretty good shape and easy on the eyes, so it is not clear what was not to like. Also, who told them about clothing is left as an exercise to the reader. At any rate, that first season the fashion scene was all about fig leaves.
Due to that slip-up with the forbidden fruit, God stopped being a nice guy, and went all passive aggressive. Instead of being provided with every need, Adam and Eve had to start using the brains God had given them to solve all sorts of problems like coming up with clothes more durable than fig leaves. This explains why they didn’t kill themselves out of chronic boredom, and why humanity has survived.
In spite of now being ashamed be naked, and wearing clothes, Adam and Eve still apparently got nekked often enough to do some begating. They begat Cain and Able. Then somehow there were grandkids. I am not clear which woman bore Cain and Able’s kids. It could have been an unmentioned sister, which would have been gross, or Eve, which is even more gross, so maybe that is why the Bible doesn’t go into it. Why this very limited gene pool did not result in lots of extra toes and other mutations is either a mystery, or maybe we only started out with three toes, and a nose that wasn’t upside down over our mouths.
Regardless, starting from one male, and one female, it seems clear that there must have been a lot of incest in the early times, which seems to have been OK with God. What God just could not let go of, though, was that forbidden fruit episode. Even after Adam and Eve were dead and gone, he held their progeny responsible, and kept demanding sacrifices and such. He held on to this grudge for about 4 thousand years…but letting go of the grudge is a different story.
Important points: God created everything, and he worked really fast. That wicked Eve listened to the talking snake and broke an arbitrary rule, causing humanity to fall from grace, and generally pissing god off. God holds the mother of all grudges. Genetic diversity wasn’t really important in the old days, and incest was acceptable. Sundays are for screwing off. Apparently fig trees used to have leaves so big you can make clothes out of them…or maybe people were smaller in the old days. The fashion industry is really lucky Eve didn’t follow the rules.