My husband likes to entirely cut up his meat into little pieces before he eats it. At home with just the two of us, eating in front of the TV as we usually do, I don’t give a damn, but when his mother and her friend came to our house, we cooked a nice dinner and he did it at the table in front of guests. I spoke to him about it (again) and he got his back all up about how he doesn’t agree that cutting off one bite at a time is the “right” way, even if that’s how some people should say how one should do it, and why should he let them tell him how to eat when there’s no good reason for it?
I can’t come up with a reason to convince him to just do it right. I have tried the following:
It is an arbitrary rule of table manners. You do it the right way because if you do it the wrong way, you look like an uncultured maroon.
(To whom? sez he. Why do I care what they think?)
(If this doesn’t work, I don’t know what will. Dammit, you just do it right. There’s nothing illogical about vigrously stirring your peas in with your mashed potatoes. There’s no real rational reason that you shouldn’t spear your carrots on the end of your knife to eat them. You just don’t do that at a nice dinner.)
It looks juvenile. Puts me in mind of a child who’s too young to handle a knife, whose mommy has cut up his meat for him.
(That’s your opinion, sez he.)
It looks like you’re trying to get all the cutting out of the way so you can bolt the meat down faster, and eating fast is impolite. Having to cut each bite helps to slow you down so that you eat at a sedate pace.
(Why does it matter as long as I don’t eat too fast? sez he.)
He acknowledges that neither way involves more work. He just likes to cut his meat all up at once.
I’m about ready to throw in the towel. Fine, go ahead, be the big food rebel, you independent free-thinker, you! Humiliate your wife in public!
(Actually, this might work better than any other strategy–he’s probably just digging in his heels for the sake of being stubborn, and if I stop debating with him about it he’ll probably just concede the point. But, darn it, I have the moral high ground, and I do not want to surrender!)
Can anyone think of a reason that might convince him?
I can’t, but that may be because I’m kinda in his camp on this one. Maybe I’m an uncouth piece of phlegm, but what he’s doing doesn’t sound all that horrible. Maybe I need enlightening, too.
Actually, I’m with the hubby on this one. Arbitrary rules of table manners are just that: arbitrary. Someone started doing things one way and decided that every other was was ‘rude’. As long as he’s not bolting his food so fast he can’t draw breath or keep up conversation, and chewing with his mouth closed, what’s the big deal?
I can’t see any way to convince him. Why? Does it look uncouth? I don’t think so. Is it a bit odd? Well, in my opinion it is a bit odd, but then again, I think switching fork from left to right hand is a bit odd, too, but a heck of a lot of people do it. Don’t bother. He’s done it this way for God knows how many years, and it’s not worth the bother to get him to stop. I never felt this was an issue of etiquette. Is it impolite or just a little eccentric to cut each piece of meat separately? I know people who eat their food in a particular order. For example, first all the peas. Then all the potatoes. Then all the meat. Or vice-versa. Then we got another camp which eats some of the peas, some of the potatoes and some of the meat. Then another camp which mushes the peas and potatoes together. And another that mushes the peas and potatoes together and scoops a bit onto one forkload with each piece of meat. Whose to say which way is right? Who cares?
Podkayne, I don’t know if this would convince him either, but underlying all the rules of etiquette is not to make people uncomfortable, but to make them at ease. These rules may sometimes feel artificial and difficult (and arbitrary) but as I say, the real reason these niceties began was to grease the wheels of social intercourse so that each person might have a more pleasant time.
Now, admittedly no one is all that put out by being forced to watch hubbie eat like an 8-year-old. But social convention says to deal with one piece of food at a time. Engrossed as he is in cutting up all the meat, his concentration is selfishly on himself and his meat, not on pleasant conversation with others, and it’s frankly distracting. One should always think of others before oneself.
I did a little search and came up with a site called Ask Men. This page talks about formal dining, but I should think if you poked around a bit you could find some more ammunition on how to corral your free-thinking eater and make him a model of decourum.
True, it’s not “proper” manners, but I’m not sure I see why you should care so much. If it’s not an egregious faux pas, like chewing with his mouth open or talking with his mouth full, let it be. I honestly doubt that other people are as bothered by it as you are. Unless you’re attending state dinners, probably nobody is paying much attention to his table manners at all.
My fiance cuts his steak up all at once. I first noticed it on our second date. I still notice it. Will I ever say anything to him about it? Absolutely not! He could cut his steak up using his feet for all I care. He loves me, loves my kids, treats me like I’m the most precious person on earth. He does all the things that MATTER the right way. Sorry, Podkayne, just don’t think cutting meat up matters much.
There are those elements of etiquette which are there because they actually serve an additional purpose… hygiene, safety, or not interfering with others dining pleasure.
So, this seems to fall under the case of his doing this is interfering with your dining pleasure, but only when other people are present.
I think I’m sticking with the majority on the “not worth the stress” front. That’s how he enjoys eating, and if his mother didn’t like it, she should have corrected it earlier in his upbringing.
The onlyl “logical” reason for only cuttong off one bite at a time is that it allows the remaining meat to remain warmer (less surface area exposed). Personally, since I’m logical and geeky and like straight lines I cut of a “strip” as wide as the bite I want, then cut pieces off of that strip, repeat. Still not in proper etiquette, but definitely the way I prefer it.
I also cut my meat several pieces at once. I remember a date I was with many years ago mentioned this to me as quirky/borderline bad etiquette. It had not occurred to me before, and I was surprised that it was an issue worthy of notice. I continue to do this (with all things cutworthy [even Eggs Benedict]), I think because I tend to eat quickly, but also it just seems more efficient to me; sort of like an assembly line . . .
While I sympathize with hubby, perhaps he could cut-and-eat . . . cut-and-eat when in the company of others for the express purpose of making you happy. This takes away from the right/wrong, cultured/philistine debate.
If it bothers you that much, perhaps you could make a deal with him. Ask him what it will take, and negotiate from there.
If he wants to do it that I say let him, it’s not worth the resentment to correct.
My reasoning against it is that lots of little separate chunks will get cold quicker than the single large hunk of meat. It’s a question of surface area to volume ratio.
Imagine the thread we could have on weird eating habits, assuming it hasn’t already been done.
Normally I’m an etiquette freak, but on this point I agree that it’s not that big a deal if it’s his only table manners flaw. I douby that many folks notice or care. FWIW, I usually cut up about half of a piece of meat at a time, on those rare occasions when I eat a hunk of meat.
Do you also butter your bread one tiny piece at a time?
I used to do this when I was younger, largely because it was easier to eat with one hand while reading. Mind you, I put the book down when I’m eating with someone else, because it’s just rude otherwise. Of course, I stopped when I was 16 or so.
I’d say let him do it, but that it bugs you when he does it in public. It’s also more than a little rude to the chef, seeing what he’she’s just worked over cut up into little bites like a construction project so that the diner can just shovel it into his/her mouth while talking and ignoring their creation.
If it’s a Hungry-Man dinner, go to town, but if I’ve just spent the better part of a day making something, it really hacks me off if it gets mushed up with the other foods, or worse, ignored. Most people who know me have been fed by me (the running joke is "Stand in one place for longer than a half hour and I’ll feed you), and they have some respect for my craft. Usually I do a good enough job so that you can just sit back and enjoy. Asking for ketchup for your chicken Kiev or Sweet n"Low for your wine (which actually happened)just puts me off.
In sum, tell him that you’d really like it if he could try to dress up his company manners a little more. I have to do it when I’m out or entertaining, and it adds a little class to the proceedings. Failing that, get him a round training spoon.
Besides which, it’s just our use of silverware and others’ opinions of us that sets us apart from the lower animals.
I vote for leave hubby be on this one. Sometimes we men don’t appreciate our women’s efforts to change us. A small point like this could lead to a big problem, when enough of them occur. If it makes him happy I see this as a small harm. Do you do this in other aspects of his life as well? Perhaps you should examine your own motivation for this. Is it for you or him? Are you trying to please your mother?
As for me, I cut my meat a bite or two at a time, but not to be mannered. I just like my food hot, and it stays this way longer in one piece. But we mostly eat Asian style with a lot of stir frys at home, so the meat is already cut up anyway. Which brings to mind, perhaps when Mother and her friend next come over to dine, you could serve a meal that doesn’t center around a meat dish and then you won’t have the problem.
Solomon, is that you?
Great suggestion, Shibb! I say go for lasagna. It’s quick, it’s easy, everybody likes it, and it goes great with a salad. The perfect dinner food, really.
