How do I deal w/Mrs. Well-Meaning-Know-It-All?

ARRRGGGHH. Okay, I’ve posted elsewhere on this board about my impending back surgery. It has opened the door for the Lords and Ladies of Unsolicited Advice to speak, and unknowingly piss me off. There’s a woman I know who is very kind, very generous, and very well-intended…but she is also the Queen of Know-It-All. AUGH. Here’s a condensed version of the phone conversation we had this afternoon:

Well-Meaning-Know-It-All: I’m so sorry to hear about your back!

Me: Thank you. Yeah, I can’t wait for the surgery. The pain just keeps getting worse.

WMKIA: And you’re going with the same surgeon who operated on you before? (said with :dubious: )

M: Yes. I researched him pretty thoroughly. He’s board certified, has been in neurosurgery 34 years, has no complaints, no disciplinary actions, no malpractice suits (settled, in process, or dismissed), and a friend of mine worked in the same hospital as him. She told me he had a sterling reputation as a surgeon…that other doctors and nurses found him a bit different, but had nothing but respect for him as a surgeon. That was some of the best evidence I had that the guy is good–people who work with him and see him all the time hold him in regard.

WMKIA: Yeah, well, I had an excellent surgeon [she had a similar surgery years ago]. He’s golden, lemme tell you. I’ll give you his name; you should see him…

Me: I am getting a second opinion, but from my father’s [who had a lifetime of back problems] orthopaedist. He’s a nationally recognized spine surgeon…

WMKIA: I’ll give you my doctor’s name though; you should look into it. Look at me, look at all the things I do. I’ve flown to Israel and New York [my symptoms reappeared after a cross-country flight] and I didn’t have any problems. And I carry around all this weight (she’s probably 100+lbs overweight), and I don’t have any difficulty…the pain all went away.

Me: Well, it’s really rotten luck, too, for me. I have bad back genes. Plus, I’ve read that microdiscectomies have a higher failure rate if they’re not done 3-6mos after onset of symptoms; mine was done 7mos after.

WMKIA: Mine was done a year after.

sigh

Me: Well, I have to get going. RuffLlama has another ear infection.

WMKIA: Does he need ear tubes? I know a great ear-nose-throat doctor…

:smack:

I see and deal with this woman on a nearly daily basis (well, not so much now, but DeathLlama does), and some of her words have really hurt and irritated me. She’s suggesting I had/have a bad neurosurgeon (thus my frontloading attempts to explain why I chose to stay with him), that essentially there’s no reason for my first surgery to have failed. By golly, I need to see her doc. And everything I’ve done is not as good as her advice.

What I really want to say is, “Fuck off, you insensitive, insecure harpy,” but like I said…she means well, she just has these gaps in social skills and sensitivity. What would (or wouldn’t) you say when she says things like this?

I would tell her as kindly as possible that I am not interested in her advice, so please stop. Might end the friendship, but you get to decide if the friendship is worth that much frustration.

And FWIW, she sounds more controlling than well-intentioned.

You could just quit telling her about your health problems.

Get caller ID, and use it.

“I’d rather not discuss that.”
“That’s very interesting, thank you.”
“I’m/Everything’s fine, thanks.”

Don’t give out any further reasons, explanations, anything.

I can’t avoid her. (Well, I suppose now I can.) Think of her as kind of like a roommate. She’s at the barn where I keep my horses (in 100% self care), and she, her daughter, and another boarder (in addition to DeathLlama, of course) are being hugely helpful by taking care of our girls right now since I can’t do a damned thing. Since it’s self-care, I (normally) see her many times a week. She calls to let me know they fed the horses, or to ask if we wouldn’t mind throwing her horse a flake of hay tonight (we all help each other out with things like vacations, illnesses, date nights, etc), or to ask ti keep the gate unlocked for the hay delivery truck, etc.

DigitalC, she knows about my medical problems because she’s watched me deteriorate over the past few weeks–that, and she came to the barn not long after I had the first surgery. I took a gamble in saying so much tonight because I thought (incorrectly) that if I somehow show how careful I’ve been in selecting my surgeon, she’d back off. No dice. So yeah, she won’t be hearing much more from this point. Problem is, half the time it’s unsolicited. I can be mucking the stall, and she’ll be hanging on the pipe corral asking about my back, or my son, or my horse(s). I want to shoo her away with the muck rake sometimes.

To her credit, she has always been the first to rush forward to help, and right now, we desperately need and appreciate it. She shares her items, offers everything she has to us to help out, loans items that I’ve forgotten at home, etc. At first, my impression of her was of a bossy, meddlesome busybody. Now I’ve come to see her as an insecure, “Look how much I know! Listen to me talk!” type. She’s pretty harmless. But with such a sensitive issue, she’s not as harmless. A bit controlling? Hmm. Perhaps. That’s food for thought.

So…add the component that she’s pretty unavoidable in person, and when she calls I need toanswer as there might be something wrong with the horses (though admittedly, I tend to let it go to voicemail), and I have a more complicated situation.

Although, maybe not, I dunno. I’m typing though the haze of medication, so maybe it’s more clear to those of you with chemically unaffected minds.

I think given her consideration in helping out otherwise, you probably should go with just a polite thank you. After all, you don’t want to have to muck your own stalls with a bad back.

‘Thank you, I’m pretty happy with my medical team, but let me write that down just in case that changes.’ Then take the information. I’m sure it’s annoying, but it’s not costing you anything, really, to just accept the info and go on with your life.

If she asks you later if she saw her doctor, repeat ‘Thanks. I’m still happy with my medical team, but I have your information filed in case that changes.’ As often as possible, use exactly the same words – it tends to be a little more reinforcing that way – but be very polite and acknowledge that she was trying to help.

Thank you for your concern.

Thank you for your concern.

Thank you for your concern.

Repeat as often as necessary.

No other information needed.

Advance technique “Thank you for your concern - say, have you heard Tammy is thinking about a new saddle.”

(Be glad you aren’t eight months pregnant.)

By offering so many explanations and details up front, you are completely playing her game.

Stop playing that game. Get off the merry-go-round.

“Why are you telling me this?”
“Well, I thought you might be interested–”
“I’m not.”

If she helps you in other areas, then you may need to suck it up. Maybe she thinks she’s helping.

Don’t volunteer anything, just tell her thanks for the advice, then change the subject.

“Thanks, I’ll consider that. How 'bout them <name of local sports team here>?”

If neither of you is into sports, you could change the subject to something else that has nothing to do with doctors.

Accept her offered phone numbers if that’s what it takes to quiet her. There’s no law that says you have to use them.

That could be a bit sticky. “Did you call him yet? Why not? You really do need to call him…here, let me call the doctor for you, I’m sure he’ll fit you in because I’m his favorite patient, no, no trouble at all…let me do it right now.”

You don’t want to encourage her, but she seems like a sweet lady, so there’s no need squelch her too badly. Just thank her for the thoughts and move onto horses.

In line with what others have said here, the best way I’ve found of dealing with unsolicited advice givers is to say something vague and polite and just ignore them.

Good advice, all! Ivylass, I’m glad to hear that I’m portraying her in a way that she “sounds like a sweet lady.” That’s important to me–I didn’t want to come in here raging against her or anything. In fact, if she weren’t so sweet, this wouldn’t be so difficult. And yes, I do believe she thinks she’s helping.

A new complication: My surgery is scheduled for Thursday. I have opted to go ahead with it and skip the second opinion; all the research (I just finished my Masters, so I’m still in that mode, perusing peer-reviewed journals and such) I’ve been doing makes the decision crystal clear. 8mm+ herniation = operate. My surgeon said a second opinion was wise, but the other doctor would just need to look at my MRI and their opinion would be obvious. FTR, I think the herniation is BIGGER this time…looking at that MRI, it looks larger (and more sharp–the thing is pressing on the nerve like a pointed finger). I think 8mm is conservative, since last time they said it was 9mm.

Anyway, we’re going to have to ask for more help since we will be absorbed by the hospital Thurs-Fri. I really appreciate her help and will definitely ask, I (or hubby) just have to figure out a way to duck her prying. We are getting her (and the others helping us) a thank you gift, BTW.

I like how you phrased this.
Just keep the details vague and keep control on the convo by asking her questions about Life Outside and regarding the horses. Keep changing it up.

I agree with the advice to repeat verbatim the same “thanks but no thanks” statement of your choosing, delivered in a happy tone. Surely she’ll get the idea.

Good luck with your surgery, Ruffian. I’ll be thinking of you.

Maybe you should just get her to write down all the numbers of all the doctors she knows all at once. Make sure SHE does all the work on it. In fact, have her do a summary of each guy and why she thinks he’s so good. When she gives it to you, ask for more detail on each guy and specific anecdotes. Repeat this part a few times. Then file it away. If she ever brings up a doctor again you can tell her, “I’ve got the file on him already, remember?” If she brings up a new doctor, repeat the process. The key is to make it tedious for HER.