How do I deal with deep feelings of mistrust?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

When I was a little girl I had some painful and very abusive experiences that profoundly affected my emotional growth. 25 years later I am still grappling with feelings of fear, mistrust and grief. There are no rational reasons for me to be feeling these things today, as I am in a loving relationship, have a wonderful job, and basically have the means to do whatever I want.

Until recently I was able to deal with these feelings by avoiding deep personal relationships with men and developing an almost violent sense of self-reliance and independence. I have spent time in therapy and explored various therapeutic means for dealing with the painful emotions that arise.

About a year ago I entered into a relationship that has become very important to me. I have been able to reveal myself with integrity, and have allowed myself to develop much deeper feelings of love and desire than I have with a man in the past. Unfortunately my self-reliance has crumbled and I am putting unrealistic expectations on the relationship and on my SO. Feelings of grief and sadness that I had not allowed to surface in a relationship are threatening to destroy the bond we have created. I am desperate to find ways to create intellectual barriers to the flood of emotions that overwhelm even the most basic interactions.

I am tired of processing these feelings and exploring the events of my childhood. I am ready to move on and enjoy the simple pleasures that life has to offer. I am furious that so many years later I am in a situation where I am sabotaging something so important. Not to mention the anxiety it is causing to a man who certainly doesn’t deserve it.

Unfortunately I also come from a family that has a history of grief and mistrust. Both my grandparents were in concentration camps during WW2 and continue to deal with the aftermath of that experience. At times I feel shackled by a sadness that permeates the human relationships in my family. Thankfully there is also a lightness and humor that compensates for this at times.

Has does one overcome these feelings of fear and mistrust?

Is it possible to grow up when one feels stuck emotionally at age six?

Can a woman who has never had a constructive or successful relationship with a man learn how to create one?

Any thoughts would be much appreciated. I am at a loss for what to do next?

2

Have you looked into therapy? I know it sounds hoaky, but sometimes you have to admit that you need help with a problem. A therapist is trained to look at your issues in a way that you may not be able to on your own. Good luck to you. You deserve to feel good about yourself and your life, and a possible future with your man.

3

I have been in therapy before and am about to enter the process again.

I guess I was hoping that there might be some magical cure. I am just so tired of feeling sad.

Thankyou for your warm words.

4

Can I ask a few questions that really don’t need to be answered here, but you might want to answer for yourself:

  1. Have you accepted that what happened to you was NOT your fault? I know that you probably know this, but have you actually accepted this fact?

  2. Have you developed a relationship of total honesty with yourself? This means that you don’t rationalize with yourself about feelings, but accept them for how they really are.

  3. Have you explored ways to help others? This could include giving time to a charity. This might help to allow you to look outside of yourself more.

IANA couselor, but the above questions are those that I had to answer for myself to get over childhood trama.
also, the below saying is one I really love

Put a smile on your face
and a song in your heart
and fake it if you have to!

5

I’m sort of in the same boat, so I was hoping for more posts regarding how Scantilly can learn to not sabatoge relationships. Unfortunately, I have no advice for you: I’m stuck in the “avoid relationships at all” phase. I would like to enter into an intimate relationship, but since there is nothing on the horizon along that regard, I haven’t given too much thought as to how I would tackle my feelings of distrust once I have a reason to.

I would add one more question to Dopers offering input here: How do you break a pattern of consistently choosing relationships that are not right for you – or even destructive? I have found myself in a pattern of dating boys that are terrible matches for me – it’s easier to avoid real emotional intimacy and to avoid learning how to trust at all.

Subscribing to this thread now…

6

Dogzilla,
I also have had problems with choosing destructive relationships with terrible matches. It gets old after awhile, but I’m sure you’ve realized that by now. I’ve always been quick to jump into relationships, without spending enough time getting to know the person. By the time I realized that this person was not right for me, our social lives would be so intertwined that I felt hopeless and unable to change. When you meet someone you are interested in, take it slow. I don’t just mean slow physically, but emotionally. Trying to force the emotional intimacy that you feel you lack will only backfire. If the relationship becomes destructive or negative, get out. Not every relationship can be “worked out”, and many shouldn’t even try. Your feelings of mistrust are hard to overcome, I know. Actively work with yourself to trust him. When the little voice in your head says “He’s lying he’s lying he’s lying”, tell yourself not to listen without concrete facts. You can’t just hope you will start to trust; actively work on it. I hope this helps.

7

It seems to me that you Scantilly have two problems.

One is the uncertatiny of how to trust someone or have a good relationship with a man.

Two is this sadness feeling that you want to go away.

The first one sounds like a ‘Talking Cure’ type thearpy while the second may require some sort of ‘drug’ thearpy.

Both of these ‘cures’ take time and effort. Medication is a lot of trial and error. Not everything works for everybody or in the same way as everybody. Of course the other type of thearpy really depends on you developing a trusting relationship with your counselor.
So, sorry but there is no magic cure but you know there is a problem and you want to get better. Those are two very important steps to take. Now take the rest of those steps. Good luck.

8

Scantilly, at the risk of being accused of stalking, I have to admit that I went looking for posts by you. I enjoyed your posts in my Life thread so much that I wanted to see what else you had to say. And, I was hoping to return the favor by contributing to one of yours. I found this one, much to my sorrow. I’m sorry because you are in such pain, and I doubt I can help. But, bearing in mind that I am not a therapist of any kind, here is my take on what you posted.

It sounds to me like you’re actually well into a healing process that was long overdue. I believe you finally have found someone you trust enough to share your grief and pain with, and that your heart knows it, and it’s unburdening itself. I understand how overwhelming this can be to the person on the receiving end. I’ve been in a similar situation. It’s like being dropped in a vat of acid to listen to a torrent of pain come tumbling out of a loved one’s mouth.

But, it’s bearable, if there’s truly love there. I believe there is, in your relationship. You are too intelligent and perceptive to give your heart so completely to someone unworthy. Your own life tells you that. The fact that he’s still there is further testimony to the wisdom of your choice.

It’s natural to feel insecure in situations such as you describe. The tendency is to overreact to the smallest changes in your SO’s behavior. It’s also natural for him to be reluctant to endure more such outpourings. Don’t take this as a sign that he’s getting ready to leave. Understand that, as painful as it is for you, it’s equally painful for him, if he loves you. And, there’s the added shock factor, because this is all news to him. He may also be wondering what happened to the feisty, independent woman he met but, if he’s as perceptive as I believe you are, he’ll realize you’re still in there. And, he’ll know you’ll be back. You may have to cut him a bit more slack than usual, though, and any hints you can give him, that this is so, will help. After all, he is only a man.

I suspect there’s also some “survivor’s guilt” mixed in with your reactions to whatever happened to you, personally. It’s very common in descendants of concentration camps. If you’re going to do more therapy, my suggestion is to find a therapist who is familiar with this syndrome AND does couples therapy. Bring your SO into the process. The therapist can help him deal with the pain he’s feeling over your pain and help you learn to release it in doses he can handle.

But, don’t be mad at yourself. You’re doing what you need to do. And, you probably picked the right man to do it with, so he’ll understand that. This phase won’t last forever. But, it IS important. And, if you can work through it as a couple, you’ll have a truly wonderful relationship.

Has does one overcome these feelings of fear and mistrust? You’re already past the mistrust. Accept that, realize you haven’t chased him away, and the fear will fade.

Is it possible to grow up when one feels stuck emotionally at age six? Sure, but that’s not you. What you’re going through has nothing to do with immaturity; it has to do with trauma, and there’s no relationship between the two.

Can a woman who has never had a constructive or successful relationship with a man learn how to create one? Absolutely. Every single woman who’s ever had a successful relationship has done that.

Have faith in yourself. I have faith in you.

9

I don’t have any profound advice to give; I just want to tell you that

  1. I am so sorry that you feel this way, and
  2. any time ANY of you [Dogzilla, B.Pants] need to talk, especially you, Scantilly, Dopers are here to listen. Any of us would be willing to provide a shoulder to cry on.
    You can conquer this and build solid, lasting, rewarding relationships. We all believe in you.
10

Many have faced what you describe and it’s not easy to recover from childhood abusive experiences. Regardless of how “illogical” or ultimately destructive mistrust can seem on an intellectual level, it can nonetheless be very difficult to first learn to trust people as an adult.

If you are a churchgoer and your church has a sizeable single community (many larger urban churches fit this bill) that might be a safe place to start some relationships.

Therapy is expensive and oftentimes ineffective but it may be indicated in your case. If you can find a therapist you can trust you may be on your way to a good start.

As previously stated, sometimes meds can help, too.

This too was previously stated but may bear repeating: when bad things happen to children the child often blames himself, which can lead to some pretty dysfunctional thought patterns. I’d recommend trying to get some help along with a willingness to do the work necessary to bring about change.