I’m not sure if this is appropriate for this message board, but I’m sure someone will let me know if it’s not. Please understand that I’m not using this board to vent my emotions, but would actually like to receive some advice.
I have always had a real problem with jealousy in my relationships with women. I just had a relationship end due in part to the fact that I was unable to trust my significant other. Although there were other reasons that contributed to the breakup in this case, I see this trend of jealousy in myself in every serious relationship I’ve been a part of. Now, let me say that I’m not one of these violently jealous types that is completely overprotective of my mate, but after I’ve been involved with someone for a while, I always end up feeling terrible and can’t overcome the sense that the other person is going to cheat on me.
Now, some of the things that I think contribute to this have to do with my having a low self-esteem, divorced parents, etc. My question is, is it reasonable to assume that I’m always going to be like this? I’m 22 years old right now, and it really bothers me that it’s possible that this is always going to be a problem for me. I obviously want to change, so can anyone tell me what worked for them, or is this a trait that cannot be overcome?
There’s a good chance you’ll always be like this as long as you don’t do anything about it. There are many therapeutic avenues to pursue (although this message board would not qualify as “therapy” in the clinical sense) - many employers offer confidential counseling programs (such as EAP, or Employee Assistance Program) that are free of charge - these can, at the very least, point you in the right direction to get targeted counseling. I have used this service once and I’d recommend it to anyone who can take advantage of them. Barring that, talk to you doctor, who should be able to steer you towards some qualified individuals who can help you. The important thing is, talk to a professional. Realizing you have an issue that makes you unhappy is the hardest part, and there are talented people out there who’s job it is to help individuals just like you. There’s no stigma - Use them, you’ll feel worlds better. Good luck!
I happen to think you will one day outgrow it, so to speak. My X husband was terribly jealous in the first few years of our 17 year relationship. I couldn’t even go to my mother’s for the day without him checking up on me. He eventually stopped, well maybe…it’s because when someone did cheat it turned out to be him…never mind…continue.
Not to sound negative, but the most likely answer to your question is yes, you will be like this forever, and will probably get worse over time, unless you take specific action to change. I had a long-term relationship with a jealous person, who was jealous during his marriage to his first wife (before I knew him), and years later had only become more so, in spite of the fact that there was absolutely no basis for said jealousy. It was never rational and he could literally make up suspicious things out of thin air; it stemmed from factors you mentioned (and the fact that these factors have already occurred to you shows that you already have some self-insight that will be crucial to addressing your problem) like parents’ turbulent marriage ending in divorce, low self-esteem, and other common factors that would probably apply to you as well. (A few times, in moments of especially candid honesty, he admitted that if anyone was likely to cheat it would probably be him - although to the best of my knowledge this never happened - so there is perhaps a certain amount of projection involved in this fear as well sometimes.) You are a wise man to be concerned, as this kind of behavior/attitude can only lead to grief and the weakening or destruction of any relationship you may get into, however much potential it might have otherwise. No relationship can thrive under such pressure, and such jealousy will gradually kill the warm and joyous feelings that brought you together in the first place. A constant atmosphere of jealousy and mistrust wears both parties down and tends to end up in depression and despair, especially for a partner who honestly does intend to be faithful but nevertheless finds herself (or himself) constantly defending against imaginary charges (whether openly or subtly expressed - if you’re thinking about it, it affects your feelings and your partner will pick up on it even if you don’t make an outright accusation).
I do not have the answer as to what you should do to overcome this, other than to echo what others have already said - that you most certainly CAN change (I’ve seen it happen), and it’s worth your while to invest the time and effort in overcoming it if you want to eventually end up in a long-term and happy relationship. I might add that if you do not have access to EAP or some other insurance-covered program/treatment and cost is a concern, I have seen notices of support group-type organizations who help men deal with issues like this, in an unstructured environment and at no cost. Most mid- to large-size cities have some central clearinghouse for community resources, a phone number (or several) that can refer you to the right starting point for the help you need.
I sincerely commend you for recognizing that this is a problem and for wanting to address it. That alone indicates that you have a fair amount of intelligent sensitivity and self-awareness, and that you and whoever you match up with are deserving of better than the endless downward spiral that continuous jealousy inevitably engenders.
Your not alone. Many, if not most, of the men I know have this same problem. (including me) I’ve often wondered if its a southern man thing. Any comments from you yankees.
Some of this may disappear in time, as you gain more self-confidence and mature more. Part of it just comes with age. It may be that since you have recognized this trait in yourself, that you do seek some professional assistance. Jealousy is a wasted emotion. If someone is going to cheat, there is no way you can stop it, no matter how hard you watch or try to keep up with the person. That sounds like a negative statement, but actually it has helped many people realize that trust also comes with time.
Dude, you are jealous because you are making women too significant in your life. Just remember, women are like buses, there is always another one in 10 minutes. When you realize they are no big deal you have no reason to be jealous.
Gee guy, do you have any idea what it is to love someone ? People like you, who seem to think that people and relationships are disposable sadden me.
Dr.Claw,
Have you been cheated on before ? I know it’s hard not to fear it will happen again, but you have to put the past behind you and move on.
Don’t let your fear of what may happen cause you to drive away someone who might never cheat. If you are with someone who has cheated on you before, then you have every right to be wary of that person. Even then though, if you decide to stay with a person who cheats, then you may be hurt again. On the other hand that person may have learned their lesson.
But someone who hasn’t hurt you shouldn’t have to pay the price for someone who has.
Seek some type of counseling. It may help you have a happier future.
Hey, I just wanted to say thanks to everyone who replied for your kind words of encouragement. I really do want to change this about myself, because it has thus far only served to drive wedges between me and some people that I have really cared about, so I appreciate everyone taking the time to give me advice.
To Devil in Disguise: you know, sometimes I really wish that I had that kind of attitude that a lot of guys my age (and a lot of other guys not my age) have: that is, to sleep with as many girls as possible one or two times and never commit. It seems like things would be easier sometimes with those kinds of relationships, but I’ve found that that’s just not how I operate. I don’t think I could do it even if I tried. I have the tendency to want to get to know a girl and get committed to just her and have her committed to just me, and try to cultivate that relationship. But then again, I guess the subject and scope of this thread indicates that I’m probably not a reltionship expert. But thanks for the advice anyway, I know you’re trying to help.
I guess another question I have for the teeming masses is how do you judge a good level of trust for someone? I mean, I don’t want to be overly jealous, but I also don’t want to be on the other end of the spectrum, where I’m so naive and trusting that I get taken advantage of. It all boils down to a fear of getting your heart ripped out. I mean, it’s just scary to get so close to someone that you pretty much give them the power to emotionally destroy you if they do decide to run around on you. But what ultress said was right, there really is no way to prevent it; if the other person wants to do something, they’re going to whether you want them to or not, and being suspicious and accusatory toward them sure isn’t going to draw them closer. I understand all this, so I don’t know why I have the tendency to still have those types of suspicious feelings. It really seems sometimes like there is no connection between my mind and my emotions.
Do I ever understand this…yeesh. I used to be just like you. I often got jealous when my relationship was threatened. I used to hook up with a woman and that was it…relationship city. Then when things started to go bad, or I felt mounds of pressure on me, I’d pull the jealousy thing. It wasn’t a “You’re gonna cheat on me” jealousy, it was more of a “why are you spending so much time with X person” jealousy–just as damaging. Also, I found that this happened to me when I had placed my relationship with a woman as the most important priority in my life. I realized that this was not the case, and in doing so, I placed tons of pressure on me that was reciprocated to the woman.
In my view, this type of thing has to do with control, Period. Just look at your above statement…“I have the tendency to want to get to know a girl and get committed to just her and have her committed to just me”.
Well, anyways…as long as you figure out why you do this, it will stop. I stopped being my superpower “Relationship man” about 2 years ago. I’ve been able to have those meaningless sexual encounters since then, finally. I believe that is a sign of growing up, maturing. I don’t run around trying to bed every available woman, and I don’t mistreat them. There certainly won’t be “another one every 10 minutes”.
Good luck, I suggest long hours looking inside of yourself(Check yo head boy), stay out of BS relationships for now, they won’t bring you happiness.
Sooner or later you’ll figure it out, and you will know you’ve grown up enough to perform in a serious relationship.
Once when I was in the middle of my last relationship, a friend of mine who was helping me with my crisis at the time told me the following–
In all of my relationships, I NEEDED the other person. I found that it completed me. I’m not sure about you, but it sounds that way. Keep the above in your head, and think about it if you feel that this is the case. It’s certainly brought my life into perspective in the last 2 years or so.