Jealousy

I haven’t dated in over a year and it looks like I’ll be entering another relationship soon, if things work out with the lady I just met at work. I’ve known her for about two months now and over the past week I’ve become extremely close to her. If I’m reading the signals right, I think we’re beginning to fall for each other. The problem is, I’m already feeling twinges of jealousy when she talks about the men she’s dated in her life. I know it’s wrong and I’m fighting it with everything I’ve got. I think about it way too much already. I hate it so much and I hate myself for having these emotions.

A little about me: I’ve only had one serious relationship in my entire life; this was during my Sophomore year of college. I had trouble with jealousy then too. I worried about my girlfriend thinking about other men. I mulled obsessively over her ex-boyfriends. I didn’t want her to go out with her friends because I didn’t trust her with them. If we were in a store and a clerk started flirting with her I’d lecture her about it afterward like a huffy old schoolmarm. In short, I turned into a Real Fucking Jerk and I hated the person I became. I don’t want to give you the wrong impression; I wasn’t abusive, thank God. It’s not in my nature to use violence against people and I have enough self control to keep myself from preying on a defenseless victim like that. But I was a control freak and I became domineering, spiteful, and obsessive. I was that Jealous Boyfriend that everybody loves to hate. It was an unhealthy relationship and thankfully we ended it on fairly good terms. She’s better off without me.

I thought I’d learned a lot from that experience. I thought I’d be able to overcome the same trap by recognizing my jealousy for what it is–pure poison. But it’s starting all over again and I’m so disappointed in myself that I want to cry. I feel like a werewolf just as the full moon is beginning to rise–I can see my face beginning to elongate and the hair beginning to sprout on the back of my hands–and it’s scaring the bejesus out of me.

Why do sabotage myself like this? How do I stop it? Do other men (and women) experience the same problem? How do I deal with it? Should I just put the breaks on this relationship now while we’re still friendly to prevent it from turning into another train wreck? I’m starting to wonder if I should resign myself to being alone for the rest of my life because I can’t seem to handle a relationship like a mature adult.

Anyway, I’d appreciate any advice or anecdotes you have to offer. It feels good to get this off my chest.

Well, have you discussed this with friends or, better yet, a therapist? It’s very promising, I think, that you’ve come to terms with the idea that this isn’t a way in which you should be behaving. Perhaps if you work with a professional, you can get to the bottom of this issue & work on ways of resolving it.

Jealousy is usually about insecurity. I think a big part of “growing up” emotionally is conquering your ego. You’re the best, friend. Why be jealous?:slight_smile:

You might want to do two things right away. First let this woman know that you are not ready for an immidate commited relationship, because frankly if you get jealous “twinges” over people she date previously you are’t ready. Why? Because if she is worth dating she is worth giving a fair shot, which in your current mental state you are unable to give her. All you are likely to end up doing is dipping your wick a few times before your jealousy trip alienates her. If you postpone things then it may actually have a shot at working out. Hell even then the odds are pretty slim, there are about a thousand more reasons why a relationship should fail, but that does not mean you should proceed knowingly with such a huge impediment glaring you right in the eye.

The second thing is see a therapist, a priest, hit yourself, whatever you need to do to get over the jealousy trip. It’s pure poison and a waste of time. Think on it, it serves no purpose at all. If a person wants you then they want you, if they want someone else then they want someone else. Being jealous won’t stop it from happening, but it may encourage someone who likes you AND someone else from ceasing to like you. I’m not just talking about sex, I mean in any situation. Like you are with someone ant they express a favorable opinion about some person they work with, if they are happy with you then chances are they are just being chatty and human. You flip out then you may force the issue, plue even if you don’t flip out insecure people are just plain unnatractive. Icky.
Of course Jimmy The Greek rates your chances of following any advice on this at 400/1, as no one follows relationship advice. Also you should never crap where you eat, it’s just a bad plan. Unless you are at a huge company or there is no chance you will ever work in proximity.

As someone who is deeply mired in a mess with a similar basis but very different consequences, I think that I’m probably the least qualified person in the world to offer any advice, but I’m going to open my big mouth anyway because I haven’t posted here in two weeks and my fingers are itching.

A few basic points that I take for granted:

  1. Jealousy is about being afraid of losing the other person. Whether it’s because you don’t value yourself, or don’t trust the other person, it’s all about fear.

  2. If you’re jealous at this early stage, it will get worse even if you drive it underground in order to get on with the relationship.

  3. Any relationship infused with jealousy will fall apart.

So, you have to do two things to your head first:

You have to believe in yourself, like Winston Smith said. That’s harder to do than saying it to yourself every morning for a year. I have been struggling with this one myself, given myself identity crises, spent time locked in my apartment seeing no one for weeks to have a chance to think… know yourself, like yourself, believe that she’s lucky to be with you and that she’s smart enough to realise it.

Secondly, you have to trust her. Disloyal people are self-correcting: if you’re in a relationship with one, she’ll probably just cheat on you no matter what you do and eventually news will get back to you whether you’ve got a private investigator watching her movements or not. So don’t worry about it. The current important person in my life has always been an object of my jealousy because I wanted reassurance and she wasn’t interested in giving it to me (although I realise now that her refusal had more to do with being offended by my insecurity than any thoughts of infidelity). You can’t love without trust, so until you learn to trust you’re wasting your time trying to care about her.

Finally, thanks for giving me the opportunity to spew out advice about this. Although I’ve tried to reorient my opinions to your situation, they’ve given me a lot of insight by guiding my thoughts through my own situation. So here’s to both of us becoming better people!:smiley:

Never crap where you eat. good point, I hadn’t thought of that. Things could turn messy if this relationship self-destructs, since we see each other almost every day. That’s something else to think about.

Just to clear things up, I’m not a raving jealous lunatic yet. All I’m experiencing are atavistic twinges, which aren’t severe in themselves but disturb me nonetheless because I know what they can turn into. They happen usually when she’s talking about her last boyfriend (who also worked here incidentally, although he’s gone now. Hm…) Frankly I don’t think she’s gotten over him yet, which would explain why she talks about him so often. I completely understand her wanting to talk about the guy she just spent two years of her life with, but maybe I’m the wrong person to talk about it with. Anyway, I really like this woman, and as tempted as I am to put this relationship off, I don’t know if I have the willpower to do it.

I don’t see myself visiting a priest or therapist. I may bring the subject up with a close friend, although I usually feel uncomfortable talking about stuff like this with other people. It’s embarrassing. Anyway, thanks for the advice and insightful comments so far. I really do believe this all boils down to insecurity, like some of you mentioned. Unfortunately knowing the cause of a problem doesn’t always make it any easier to solve.

Jealousy is truly the green-eyed monstor, and a real bitch to get over. THe only thing I can suggest is that while it’s true that emotions effect actions, it is also true that actions effect emotions. You might try putting everything you have into acting non-jealous for the next few weeks and see if that helps–encourage her to talk about her old boyfriend, and to talk about the good and the bad. It may be that this just makes it worse–it does for some people–but for others, forceing their actions as a way to retrain their emotions works very well.

Interesting topic here. I think lots of us go through jealousy, especially when we’re young and still trying to find our own worth. Some still experience it as they get older. It’s torture to both the person feeling the jealousy and the object of the jealousy.

As a mental health counselor, I see this type of situation a lot. If someone gets jealous about another person’s (obviously someone they are interested in) past or present relationships, there is some extreme insecurity there. Jealousy usually involves one person blaming the other person for making them feel badly and fearful of abandonment. I have seen clients and friends demand that the people in their lives whittle their social contacts down to absolutely nothing (including distancing from family members!!!) so the jealous partner would “feel better.” That’s just plain insane!!

I would suggest seeing a counselor to root that out and start working on getting rid of it. I have been in your shoes, and I have dated men who were in your shoes… both ends of the problem are severely uncomfortable. It took quite some time of learning to see my own good points and learning that I wasn’t meant to be with just everybody to start getting over my own insecurities. Rejection is a reality in life… learn to accept it. Accepting rejection makes acceptance so much sweeter. Learn to believe not only in yourself but also the people closest to you. Trust is also earned, but you haven’t even given this person a chance yet. It didn’t look like you had even dated yet… am I wrong in that assumption?

Try the “see the world from the other’s shoes” bit–how would you feel dating yourself, knowing that you have a serious relationship in your past? Would you feel jealous about the exes then, too? Would you be suspicious if you work with women? Is that fair? Do you think that it is justified for her to suspect you?
I’m no therapist, but that’s just an idea that helps me put things into perspective sometimes.

I can definately see where you’re coming from. And, you know, there’s probably always going to be that twinge of “hey, she wasn’t always with me!” or “she might think that guy’s hot!” However, it might do you good to remember a few things:

1.) Her exes are exes now for a reason. There’s something in those relationships that just doesn’t work out.

2.) No matter who she was with before, she’s with you now. You’re the one that she (figuratively) comes home to. She’s going to have to interact with other people, but you’ve got that special place in her life. I mean, she’s chosen to be with you, not with someone else. That means something.

3.) If she’s gonna cheat on you, she’s gonna cheat on you. Acting jealous all the time just increases the odds.

OK Fungal, I’ve got your back now.

We’re going to stop pointing at Fungal and say “It’s because you’re insecure that you have these pangs of jealousy and if you persist, you’re going to increase the chances of losing her or “forcing” her to cheat on you”.

We’re going to take another tac now.

Maybe if you’re standing at the water cooler and she persists in her retro speak, it’s palatable. But, as the relationship moves along (as you say it is), then, gradually, the references to the past boyfriends should decrease to the point where you shouldn’t even notice she’s bring it up.

Do a test. Take her out for a nice night; if she can’t make it through the night without saying something like, “Oh, Jimmy used say that but…”, then go home that night and plan on how you’re going to dump her ass. She’ll continue to do it and it will become painfully annoying. She’s with you. Does she realize that bringing these people up while with you she is verbally (albeit between the lines) comparing them to you? That’s just rude.

Do you want to be with someone who’s rude (especially to you)?

If all still think this is ok then Fungal, do this; get her in the sack and as she’s “Polishing the brass” say, “Oh, Marcy used to do that but…”

Then see what she says.

Omnipresent, you make a good point about the woman talking about the ex-boyfriends, there does need to be some consideration given to Fungal’s feelings, especially if she would feel uncomfortable with him going on and on about old girlfriends. I do however feel that he still needs to put a different spin on what he’s hearing and how he’s interpreting it. If you’re insecure and not as confident about your worth or value, you’re going to be very sensitive to things that are said to you that appear to challenge you. IMO he still has to do that work, and it won’t happen in a day, but he’ll be better of if he does in addition to finding a woman that is more empathetic and aware of her actions.

Let me get this straight, she can not think about other men but you can think about other men (the same men).

Give her something better to think about.
Oh yes and see a thearpist.

Fungal, I think anyone who can afford it can get some benefit from seeing a therapist, so don’t take it in a critical way that all these people are suggesting you see a therapist. If you’re willing to do the work, you might see some serious gains.

OTOH, I have to agree with Mr. Omnipresent. Girls who talk about former boyfriends and ex-husbands, IMHO, are a real turnoff. High frequency makes it worse. I never really understood the point of bringing up former SO’s while getting to know someone.