I’m a jealous person; ask anyone who’s ever discussed relationships with me. Naturally, I’d rather not be, since my life would be far easier and happier if I weren’t. Still, I don’t know how I’d fix myself. I’m hoping just discussing it all might help me put things into perspective. I’ll put forward some questions to encourage discussion.
Is jealousy a trust thing or a confidence thing? I lean towards the latter, simply because I feel like I trust the girls I like completely. I’m just afraid that some better guy is going to come along and sweep her off her feet and she’ll realise what a dork I really am.
How can I be less jealous? I feel confident, but I’m still constantly worried when a guy is interested in the same girl I am. No matter what the situation, he always seems better able to fulfill her needs and wants than I am. Now, I realise how very unconfident that sounds, but I’m normally not like that. I’m generally bordering on arrogance, in fact. Why wouldn’t it be the same with women?
I think that should be enough to start. I’ll think of other stuff as it comes up.
Of the two I’d say confidence, but I think mainly it’s a fear/insecurity thing, which is a little bit of both. You’re projecting a fear of betrayal onto another person.
I hope this doesn’t sound too trite, but for me (and I was once insanely jealous, particularly oddly enough of platonic friends) it was-
*Forgive people from your past- not easy to do, and I would be embarassed to tell how old I was before it finally occurred that forgiving isn’t something you do for the benefit of those you feel wronged you but for your own.
*Accept that some relationships simply do not and will never have closure [Stuart Smiley]and that’s… o-kay. It doesn’t mean that it’s still ongoing, but you do need to get over it.
*Always realize and tell yourself that you’re a jealous person by nature and that therefore you may not be seeing things rationally.
*Make friends/have a good support system. To borrow a line from the movie About a Boy, “couples aren’t the future. Two isn’t enough. You need backup.”
*Learn how to say “Fuck it” and move on. (No offense or irony intended.)
There is always somebody better than you. Get used to it.
Some people are just not worth hanging on to. Get rid of them.
It may sound trite but it’s true… the harder you try to grip sand with your hand, the more it slips through your fingers. Relax your grip and cup your hand, grasshopper.
I’ve never been jealous in a relationship, even when I had good cause to be. This actually broke up one relationship because she thought jealousy=love. However, I’d say that, in most cases, jealousy is much more likely to poison the relationship.
I couldn’t conceive of cheating myself, so I certainly never considered it with any of my partners. That is an addition possibility: you can be jealous because you can easily imagine you leaving the relationship if the right person comes along and project that on.
What to do? Don’t obsess on it. The woman might leave you, or she might not. She certainly sees something attractive in you, or she would have gotten involved. Trust that what she likes in you will keep her with you.
I’m rather having a problem with jealousy myself right now, and I’m normally not a jealous person. In my current situation, however, it has little to do with either confidence or trust. Let me 'splain:
SpouseO volunteers his time at a youth shelter in downtown Minneapolis - he helps homeless teens get their GEDs by tutoring them through the process. He’s taken a special interest in a girl and her brother - for various reasons, they’re no longer allowed to go to the shelter and my husband is afraid that they’ll fall through the cracks. So he goes out of his way to stay in contact with them and act as a mentor. It’s admirable, and he’s a stand-up guy.
Here’s where the jealousy comes in: He calls this girl, frequently, to act as a sounding board and to encourage her to keep working for something better. I’m in now way worried about him having any sort of relationship with her, other than the platonic one they already have, but I do find myself bitten by the green-eyed monster sometimes over how much time these calls can take. One day was particularly bad - there were two phone calls, and each took quite a while.
It sucks. I’m glad he’s working with this girl, truly. Yet when the calls start to take up a significant portion of time, I do get angry. Doesn’t he want to spend time with me? Even if we’re not doing anything other than the same old, daily routine, shouldn’t he want to talk with me? He was recently on a business trip, and while he didn’t return my calls because of networking with co-workers, I do know that he did have time to call this girl once or twice. And that bothers me. And it bothers me that it bothers me. Like I said, I’m not a jealous person - I trust my husband implicitly. I’m not afraid that he’ll leave me for her; I’m not afraid that he enjoys her company more than mine. I’m jealous of his time, and my time with him. And it bugs me that I’m being like this; and it bugs me that I can’t really be mad about it because he is doing something truly admirable.
Sorry, Speaker, I don’t mean to hijack. But I think that jealousy can be caused by all sorts of things, not just simply boiled down to “trust” or “confidence.” And the way I’m going to have to fix my own feelings are a) to talk to my husband about it; b) perhaps counterintuitively, rely more strongly on the trust I already have in our relationship; and c) suck it up and stop being a dink about the whole thing. But it’s a hard path to travel.
Snickers, I have a similar situation with my husband, except with online friends. I’m not jealous by nature, and I have no intention of trying to limit who my husband can talk to or how long, but he overdoes it sometimes, and it does get on my nerves. For example, one day this week, I made supper, called him for it, and instead of coming to eat, he continued to chat online. I don’t worry about him cheating on me online or anything like that, but I don’t want his online chatting to interfere with our home life. I also don’t want to feel like such a small person that I would get mad about him coming to supper late, but if I go to the trouble of making supper, the least he can do is come eat it, dammit!
I know what you mean about being jealous of his time, too, even if it’s just routine stuff. Jim gets pretty busy sometimes, and he’ll occasionally tell people who want him to do stuff with him that he’s going to spend the evening with his wife, and that makes me feel like I am very special to him. People make time for what is important to them, and if your husband isn’t making time for you, it’s kind of natural that you would be a little hurt.
In your husband’s case, Snickers, I would say that you actually do have a right to be a little cheesed. It’s great that he’s doing something so noble, but he needs to look after his own family first, and make sure that you KNOW you come first. He doesn’t sound like a bad guy or anything, but it does sound like he needs a gentle reminder.
And now, some thoughts on the OP. Arrogance is not the same as confidence, Speaker. I think your jealousy does boil down to a lack of confidence in yourself and your ability to hold the attention of an attractive mate. If you think you have just as much to offer as any other guy, you wouldn’t be expecting your mates to leave you for something “better.”
Some things that might help you with jealousy;
If someone is going to leave you, they’re going to leave you, regardless of what you do (which is not an invitation to be an ass, however. :D). Nobody owns anybody else - people stay with you because they want to, not because you make them stay with you.
Jealousy is usually a self-fulfilling prophecy, almost certain to drive someone away.
Self-esteem and self-confidence are not static in your life - they can be built up like any other skill. I bet if you do some work on your self-confidence, you will find your jealousy fading.
Here’s an interesting one, and something I hadn’t thought about:
Is the level of jealousy affected by the perceived “quality” of one’s mate? In other words, if you think your SO would have trouble finding another mate if you two split up, are you less likely to be jealous? I’ve had too few relationships to give me a good sample, but it’s an interesting thought.
I think that speaks to self-confidence again. Thinking your SO wouldn’t be attractive to anyone else doesn’t say much about them, or the person who would settle for them.
Nope. Just because you think someone might have trouble finding another mate, doesn’t mean that they would. There’s ALWAYS someone else. Or, the mate finds it better to alone than with you. The point is that, if they don’t want you, then they won’t have you. If that means they’d rather be alone, then so be it.
If the person is so “low quality”, then why would you be with them? I don’t think you’d be doing anyone any favors being with someone you don’t think much of.
So, yes, it certainly boils down to confidence. If someone leaves, of course you get hurt, but you move on. If you can’t do that, then that is a problem.
Presumably, YMMV, but for me, I was able to overcome relationship crippling and self-destructive jealousy by accepting, over a long period of time and at the expense of several relationships, that this girl has chosen to be with me. Out of everyone else out there, she picked me.
The fact that I was with her spoke of my judgement of her character, and so, logically, I had to trust that she would not betray my trust. If she were so fickle as to jump from guy to guy as soon as something “better” came along, then I needed to seriously retune my character-judge-o-matic.
Rather than wastefully expending energy on worrying about the what-ifs, channel that energy into making sure that she feels warm, safe, loved and appreciated every second of every day.
If it ends up not working out, at least it died of natural causes and not jealousy-induced asphyxiation, and you can chalk it up to a learning lesson. After all, life is just a series of learning experiences.
However, I’d say that, in most cases, jealousy is much more likely to poison the relationship.