I’m looking for advice on handling jealousy. Your stories, how you dealt with it, how you got over it. I am on a mental slipery slope created in my own little mind. Mountains out of molehills and all of those other applicable cliches. I have read the “how to deal with jealousy” sites online. I have also found that I am living up to typical female symptoms of being jealous. I know I have no reason to be so, and have never been before in my life but now I have this this crap gnawing at me at the most inopportune moments and want it to stop. I don’t want to fuck up what I have and don’t know what to do to MAKE IT STOP. If you have any words of wisdom, please, do share.
I don’t have too many jealousy issues, but there was one a couple months ago, and what worked for me was addressing it directly with the BF: saying “Although I know that there isn’t actually an issue here, my mind won’t shut up and silly as it is I could use some reassurance” allowed me to get it out there while still keeping him aware of the fact that I trust him completely at the bottom of it all.
Whether or not this works will depend on what kind of relationships you have with your SO how likely they are to understand that you trust them and yet are still jealous at the same time. In my case it worked out and I was able to have a conversation and come to a good solution with my BF; other people might interpret it as “I’m just not willing to say I’m jealous and nothing but.”
I’m a guy, but here’s my take on it:
There is no cure. It’s a mechanism genetically built into our beings. Once you come to accept that, I think, it’s a lot easier to turn a deaf ear to the voices in your head. That, and I’m usually interested in or after more than one person at one time, which diverts my attention away from the outcome and dynamics of each relationship, so that if one of them doesn’t work out, I’m not utterly devastated/destroyed/you get the point.
But go ahead, be jealous - the most important thing is never to show it. Clinginess is unattractive in either sex: you must never appear more interested in your love interest than he/she is in you.
I agree that clinginess is unattractive, but I have to take issue with the idea that you should never appear more interested in your love interest than vice versa–sometimes both people are holding back for just that reason, and someone’s got to make the leap for the relationship to go anywhere. Now, obviously if the leap is made and the feelings aren’t reciprocated the move should be retracted, but.
I disagree with the latter sentence (pasunejen is right), but completely agree with the former: don’t fight the jealousy. Feel it, tear pillows apart because of it, vent to your friends about it … just don’t let your SO see evidence of it. Eventually, the feeling will fade.
Just to show everyone’s experience is different:
I kept it to myself for far too long. Once I finally told my boyfriend, he was able to a) understand me better and b)help me to stop.
I hope so. A couple days I’ll be fine, no problem, nothing lurking then BAM! The beast. One small nagging idea lurking, that I’m able to ignore/brush off suddenly spins out of control. Yeah I’ve discussed this with my SO. What concerns I have have been addressed and put to rest but there is this panic/flareup thing that comes around and ruins a perfectly fine day while I obsess. Good points about not showing it and not being clingy. Deep breath. I want my ballast back. Thanks for the replies.
I didn’t want to hijack this thread so I started a new one disagreeing with this…
[THREAD=6169640]Jealousy, genetically built in or learned?[/THREAD]
I guess I just grew out of it. I just kept telling myself, “If he’s going to cheat, he’s going to cheat, and there’s nothing you can do about it except walk away if he does.” The walking away hurts but it’s a shorter, cleaner pain than ripping yourself up for months because you’re jealous.
Accepting that your SO is an autonomous person who faces their own choices in life is an important first step. Realizing that you are one of their choices and trying to make yourself as attractive a choice as you can is a second step. Jealous people are generally not nice people to be around, and that nice girl your SO talks to after classes is going to look much better in comparison.
I believe that jealousy is an inborn trait. I don’t think it’s learned. (More than that I won’t say because I don’t want to hijack the thread)
I wonder if it is inborn. This is the first time I’ve ever been hit with it. Inborn but supressed? Weird. The link to the other thread didn’t work for me, I’d be interested in seeing what comes of it.
I don’t think it’s inborn.
Possibly because I’ve never been jealous. Envious, yes, of course, but envy and jealousy aren’t the same.
I think it’s a trust issue.
I’ve looked back at times when I was jealous and I realize that each time, there was a little (or sometimes not-so-little) issue with trusting the other person.
I took me quite a while to realize this, but SWMBO and I just celebrated our 145th anniversary (I do them monthly because I’m evil and it keeps her on her toes 
) and I trust her completely. I’ve seen guys flirt with her and I’ve seen her flirt back and never felt threatened. And she’s seen me eyeball the hotties every once in a while, but she knows I’ll never do anything more.
My $0.02 worth…
Someone once gave me a piece of advice:
“Jealousy is the fear of losing something that doesn’t belong to you anyway.”
I know it sounds trite, but over the years, whenever I would feel a pang of jealousy coming on I used to think this and mull on it and it somehow helped me get by
The other advice was from a friend from New Mexico:
“If you want to keep a bull, give him 40 acres.”
OK…enough from the pillow-stitching society.
But seriously, those little concepts helped me and jealousy is a thing of the past for me.
I agree and me too.
I don’t understand jealousy. Envy and I are acquainted, but I jealousy I truly believe is a learned/imprinted trait from your own group of family and friends.
EarthStone777, that ‘not to hijack’ link is busted.
Genetic, trust issue, inborn? I seriously doubt it.
I’ve always considered jealousy as a mask for or reaction to one’s own low self-esteem and poor self-image. But this is IMHO - so dont break my balls about it.
Hrmmm… Not sure how I messed up the coding the first time but…
[thread=317100]second attempt at link[/thread]
It seems that I wasn’t hijacking it after all, as several of you have also stated that you think it is not genetic and is instead something learned from family. Good to know I’m not alone in that thought…
Hit submit while previewing by mistake…
I want to change my statement to:
It seems that others have already hijacked the thread. The OP asked for advice on handling jealousy, something I could not give because I have never felt it. So I started the other thread for those of us who want to debate the cause of it.
I prayed on it a alot. YMMV.
I’ve had issues with jealousy and many times it stemmed from my insecurities. A couple things to keep in mind though:
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Let it go. Seriously. If you are constantly thinking about it, it will get worse. Just accept the fact that if your SO is going to cheat, there’s nothing you can do or say to change that. In fact, if you bother that person too much with your doubts, they could go running to someone else. Try to stay calm though. Most of the time, it’s just in your head. But there is NOTHING you can do if it does happen, the only thing you have control over is how you react to it afterwards.
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Set boundaries.
example story: My DH used to hang around this local band a lot. He worked with the bass player and they were close friends. His “wife” (I use that term very loosely here, you’ll see why) used to flirt with him. I had issues then with jealousy far worse than I do now. She knew that, and she decided she’d make me feel worse. So she flirted more and more and more and kept pushing my buttons.
One night, I had it. I was sitting towards the back of the bar with his best friend, having a beer. The “wife” person went over to my SO where he was sitting and straddled him. Let me make this clear, she STRADDLED him right in front of me. Face-to-face, rubbing her nasty nether parts on my SO’s nether parts . . . just because she was trying to play a power game with me because I was the young cute girl hanging around (see she had her own insecurity issues).
So, some random guy came up and asked me to dance, and I accepted. My SO went through the roof! After many days of arguing over this, he finally realized that her behavior and his enabling was crossing a boundary with me. I asked him “how would you feel if I went up and straddled another man in front of you?”. His argument for the longest time was that they were good friends of his and she was harmless. Harmless or not, (a) I know how women work and (b) know that assuming a sexual position with someone else while your SO looks on helplessly is taking things too far.
Had he been single, that would have been another story completely, but I know she wouldn’t have been that sleazy had my SO not brought me. So now we have boundaries. Despite the relationship with the outside person, if you would not like your SO doing it to you, then don’t do it.
All I can really say is RELAX. Unless you have good reason to be jealous (see above scenario), you are just wasting energy. Everything will be fine. And if it isn’t and your SO does something behind your back, it’ll hurt, but it will be an important lesson in either letting go or forgiveness. There really is a lesson in everything, you just have to look for it.
You nailed it. I took a major ego hit and self-esteem went thru the floor. Opened a Pandora’s Box of insecurities and other crap. There was absolutely no basis for all I was imagining. Even after I realized this I was still tortured with that little eeevil voice. Talked it out, got that affirmation that I needed and can get on with my Bad Self. This whole thing has made our connection stronger, not that I would ever want to experience it again, but a positive did come out of it. Thanks again for your feedback, I don’t post much but do read a lot, your help was greatly appreciated.