How do you deal with . . . jealousy?

In My Humble Opinion
1

I’m going through a psycho stage in my relationship right now. I’ve been here before in past relationships, but that doesn’t make it any easier. I think probably alot of you have been here before as well.

You may have read about our relationship in a past thread, but this is a more generic topic I’d like to address.

I know that jealousy defies both logic and maturity. This girl and I have grown insanely close over 2 months (I know, it’s early) and I guess are still infatuated with each other.

She was in a past realtionship for several years, and it doesn’t help that I can’t stand her ex (we share mutual friends). But any mention of his name sends my mood spiraling out of control with jealousy. I’m smart enough to keep my big mouth shut until I’m over it, but that is such a horrible feeling. I stumbled across a picture of them together at her apartment and was pretty pissed for about 15 minutes.

We’re both pretty respectful of each other in this regard; we never speak of past relationships. I guess I can’t expect for someone that she spent several years with’s name to never come up, but God do I hate it when it does. The thought of her in love with someone else, especially this particular dickhead. Ugh!

The other night she was talking for a long time to whom I assumed to be an old friend at the bar. I asked her later if he was gay (not trying to be fecicious; thought he made a pass at me later, just curious, not homophobic) and she said that no, he was not, and she knows this because she made out with him before.

Now couldn’t she have left this part out? It really pissed me off. I know that obiously she’s made out with other people before, and so have I, and a whole lot of other stuff, too, but I would never blurt out about people that I’ve made out with in front of her. I thought that it was not very thoughtful of her. I’m still annoyed that this happened, but am smart enough to recognize the futility and triteness of bringing it up. But it really bothered me! It still does since I never let it out!

I know that jealousy is spawned from insecurities, of which I have plenty, along with most people. Most of the time I am okay, but sometimes this jealous emotion rips through my body and destroys my frame of mind. I hate it! I hate having this irrational emotion dominate my mood!

I know that this ex boyfriend has nothing on me and that she is totally into me. This romance could not have gone any better or quicker. Jealousy is a common thing. How do you deal with it? Doesn’t it suck? Can you stop it in its tracks?

2

Do you have any reason not to trust her? Is there any evidence that she’s interested in pursuing any interests with others?

If not, then it will just take a little time to earn each others’ trust. You haven’t been together that long. In time, hopefully not too long, I hope you can get to the point in the relationship where you will realize that no matter what happens she will be faithful to you.

In time, perhaps you will have conversations about what you believe is acceptable social behavior with others. Would it bother you if she danced casually with a guy in a club if she went out with her girlfriends? What if it was a grinding freak dance? Find out what each of you believes is acceptable. Hopefully, you will agree in large part and respect each others’ boundaries. If you have widely varying ideas on this issue, you may have irreconcilable differences.

It does seem a bit inconsiderate to mention the make out thing in your face like that. If talking about ex relationships and the like are troublesome for you, then let her know that you find it troublesome and ask her to kindly keep that stuff to herself. Hopefully, she will understand and respect your wishes.

3

stop seeing yourself as a victim,

be willing to leave her at the drop of a hat if she is doing things that hurt you and won’t change.

The quick intensity of the relationship has something to do with it, like an addiction to drama type of thing. Maybe you need to feel jealous in order to have some sense of importance or existential proof.
Maybe it feels so good to open yourself up (make yourself vulnerable) to her that you want to do it all too quickly, then she has this great potential to hurt you and you have no reason to believe that she won’t since you don’t really know each other that well.

Just speculating

4

Maybe I have dated far more openminded people than you, but I find that you flipping out over the mention of someone in her past to be overdramatic. Before my husband, I was in a few long-term serious relationships. It’s not possible for me to talk about certain period of my life (e.g. college) without mentioning the people I dated then. So, I talk about my exes. I still have mementos from our time together. I’m a human being with a past, not an etch-a-sketch that he could shake clean.

You suggest that it’s respectful not to mention exes; I think that’s a potentially unreasonable expectation.

Additionally, I think if you could be more reasonable about her talking about exes, you could draw firmer boundaries dealing with things like her mentioning making out with other people.

5

Speaking as someone who has been at least physically involved to some degree, with almost all my close friends, at some point on another since… oh… the beginning of high school, I think you are over-reacting and being silly.

Just because I kissed one of my buddies once several years ago doesn’t mean I want to hop into bed with him now. And I’m not going to pretend like the guy I’m seeing now hasn’t had just as many serious or not-so-serious relationships as I have.

Why be jealous of the past? I guess I don’t have to “deal with it” because I don’t understand why you would feel that way, unless of course you think there’s a realistic chance she could be involved with him again.

6

Basically, it comes down to trust.

If you wish to have a long-term relationship with this woman, you are going to have to realize that SHE HAD A LIFE BEFORE SHE MET YOU!!! Do you want her to pretend she DIDN’T?

Do you want her to lie to you, in order to protect your feelings or your ego? Do you want her to pretend like you are the only person she ever cared for? I mean, let’s get real…would you BELIEVE her if she lied and said you were the only man she ever cared for…just so she wouldn’t have to deal with your jealousy? AND…how would you FEEL if she lied to you about this, just to prevent you from being jealous?

Come on, now…think about it. Do you want an honest relationship where the two of you can honestly discuss things, or do you want a relationship where your loved one is afraid to tell you ANYTHING for fear you might get all “pouty”? For like DAYS maybe? OR get ANGRY? More immediately upsetting, but equally distressing? Even for fifteen minutes?

If you don’t trust her, you shouldn’t BE with her.

If you DO trust her, you should allow her to mention her past relationships without feeling that they threaten your CURRENT relationship. If what you have together isn’t strong, you should work on MAKING it strong instead of getting all worked up about what has gone before.

Honestly, I think you need to think about the trust issue. If you trust her, you need to let all this past garbage go. If you can’t do that, then I think YOU need to get some help. Talk to a wise friend, a counsellor, your mother or your mailman (assuming he isn’t a twit :slight_smile: )

Best wishes, darling. I hope you work through this with your lady. Sending prayers your way too, hope that doesn’t offend you.

My Love,

Cheri

7

Realize that HONESTY is the best its gonna get and stick with it.
when you are honest with each other you can trust each other.

8

What the hell. Relasionships are give and take, not give and leave if you don’t stop everything I don’t like.
What you need to do is tell her you get jealous… Stop hiding it. Just say something like, “I just want to tell you that I get really jealous sometimes. I still trust you and love you but I get jealous at the thought of you sharing with your love with someone else besides me. I know it is healthy and I want you to help me with it and be undestanding.”

Some people get jealous and some people have no problem with it. I for one, am a very jealous person. But I am good at hiding it, and I will vocalize my feelings very openly about it. People are usually understanding and can help assure you there is nothing to be jealous about. It helps hearing them say it instead of your letting your mind run wild with jealous thoughts.

9

ick… sorry bottom of second paragraph should be

I know it is UNhealthy…

10

Oh by the way, everyone replying saying he is over reacting or is being irrational… It is very hard to control being jealous. You don’t know how many times I say to myself, “there is nothing wrong, they are not cheating, they love you, you trust them… etc.”

It’s a psychological thing and it fucks with you. You would not know unless you were an overly jealous person. I have come to realize this part of me and accept it and work with it. Such as devoting my jealous energy into another healthy activity. It doesn’t just stop because someone says it’s ‘irrational behavior’.

Hope this helps a little bit Rhino.

11

macabresoul…I understand what you are saying, but I think that if you are “overly jealous” you have something you need to work on. You need to work on finding out how to differentiate between unfounded “overly jealous” feelings and jealousy that has basis in fact.

I personally have always gone the other way, and trusted too much…believed too much, trusted more than was warranted in the face of evidence to the contrary. In short, I am an idiot.

However, I would so much rather be honest and loving and trusting than NOT…so I muddle along in my life…still trusting and loving and honest. At least I am true to myself. It may not be much, but I am able to live with myself quite happily. I may never be able to grasp the brass ring of love, but if I never get there it won’t be because I was untrue to myself or anyone else.

12

Yes i do agree that if you are overly jealous you have something to work on. Working on it doesn’t mean trying to find out if you are overly jealous or have jealously based on facts, because lets face it, what jealousy IS based on facts. Jealousy is an emotion stemming from trust issues. Thats my opinion anyway.

I don’t think you are an idiot, you just sound jaded in respect to trusting people. Don’t beat yourself up because you trusted people, or gave your heart to people who didn’t deserve it. Just remember that, they didn’t deserve it… someone else will.

13

I think some of you are being a bit hard on rhinostylee. After all, emotions like jealousy can’t be turned on and off like a switch. He obviously realizes that his jealousy is detrimental to his relationship, and his attempts to hide it are understandable, if not laudable.

I’ve experienced fairly intense jealousy in several relationships and attempted to hide it (with varying degrees of success). No matter how often I’ve berated myself for having this emotion, no matter how much I’ve tried to reason it away, I’ve always been a jealous person and that will probably never change. It’s the way I’m programmed, and I try not to let it bother me as long as it doesn’t influence my behavior. Feeling jealous is okay; acting jealous (especially if you’re a guy) is where the problems start.

Sometimes trying to hide your jealousy can make the situation worse. Any time you bottle up an emotion like that without having some kind of outlet, you’re setting yourself up for a big mess somewhere down the road when it all comes out in one explosive burst (usually in the wrong place at the wrong time). Plus it sucks in general to have to hide your feelings around your significant other. So I think the best thing for you to do, rhinostylee, is to be honest about your jealousy. Don’t be ashamed of it – jealousy is a normal human emotion that everybody experiences from time to time. As long as you’re not a jerk about it and you’re careful to emphasize that you know it’s wrong to act on this emotion, your girlfriend will probably understand what you’re going through (and she might even be flattered that you’re jealous of her – after all, you wouldn’t be jealous if you didn’t care about her and worry about losing her affection). If you’re lucky, she’ll be willing to make an effort to steer clear of the subjects that trigger your jealousy. If not, then you might consider finding another girlfriend who’s more accommodating.

14

Thank you, dear.

Don’t worry about ME though, honey…I don’t have trust issues, or jealousy issues or anything like that. I continue to muddle along, trusting those people I think warrant it and sometimes getting burned…but I continue to trust and love and all that. For me, it is the best way to live.

HEH…I KNOW I am much too trusting…but I am cool with the fact that this sometimes leads to hurt and stuff. I do draw the line with my physical safety, though…in other words, I trust people with my heart when I think I should, but I don’t wander down the “dark streets” at 3AM expecting to be safe just because I love everyone.

I may be loving and trusting, but I am not STUPID!!!

And BTW…I am sending you my best love and prayers rhino… I hope things work out for you and your honey. I didn’t mean to hijack your thread, I was just talking. But I guess you went to bed. Which is where I should be also.

15

Jealousy is definitely something to work on. I’ve had it in the past, sometimes worse than others. It’s a tricky thing, too. I’ve often tried to supress my jealousy and tell myself it’s nothing, only to find out that I had a right to be jealous (moreso than I ever expected, in some cases). One of the best things to do is to talk it out with the other person and see what kind of guidelines for behavior you can come up with, and make sure that you both follow them. If certain things she does make you jealous, and you both decide that it’s just best that she doesnt do them, then you can’t do those things either, and so on.

Peresonally, I think there’s nothing wrong with simply bringing up a past relationship. As long as she does it tastefully, only mentioning what needs to be mentioned and whatnot. I know I wouldnt want my girlfriend describing what sex was like with her past boyfriend or anything. Still, I’d say there’s nothing wrong with just mentioning it. As far as mentioning making out with that guy, that was probably unnecessary for her to do, but I dont think it’s something to really worry over. Does her mentioning this make you think that she’ll cheat on you with him?

Mainly, just try to talk about it, and make sure you each show affection; in my experience a lack of affection can make jealousy much worse, whereas a lot of affection can make things better.

16

I’m a bit rougher on people when it comes to jealousy. You see, it is one of the few things in life that is YOUR problem, but you expect THEM to fix it. I disagree with the trust issues. They are used to justify YOUR problems. “You only need to learn to trust.” “You need to build trust.” No, you need to have a big cup of ‘shut the F! up.’ ALL jealous types I have seen have no basis for it. There was nothing to dis-trust, the person wasn’t cheating, wasn’t being un-true, did nothing to break the trust or cause anyone to think they had. And what was the payback for their loyalty? What was the payback for their love? A jealous idiot ranting at them. So YOUR problem was their punishment for being loyal and loving. Great way to build a relationship, bucko.

Trust has nothing to do with jealousy. Don’t kid yourselves folks. They are two seperate things. I trust my wife, if she breaks that trust, then I have the right to be angry. I have a right to be hurt. I do not have a right to be jealous. Being jealous would do nothing to fix the problem. Jealousy adds nothing to the situation. Conversely, having trust does not mean you don’t have jealousy. There is nothing about trust that covers speaking about past-relationships. The trust is what you have between someone now. How can not talking about an ex from 5 years ago who lives in another country have anything to do with trust? If you don’t want to hear about ex-sex, that is one thing, but it has nothing to do with trust. Trust and jealousy are two seperate things, do not confuse nor relate the two.

Again, jealousy is YOUR problem. YOU need to fix it. She doesn’t have to do a thing. In fact, there is NOTHING she can do to solve YOUR jealousy.

My friends Bob and Irena: they dated for 6 years then got married. He was jealous. She did nothing wrong. He was jealous about everything. She never once cheated on him, never once did anything wrong. But he looked at everything she did through jealous-tinted glasses. Going to work? Hmm…I wonder who she’ll look at on the tram? At work? Hmm…I wonder if she wants to F! the mailboy? Watching TV? Hmmm…I wonder if she wants to screw that guy in the commercial? Going out to eat? Hmmm…I wonder if she is looking at that guy over there? Going to her mother’s house for the weekend? Hmmm…I wonder what ex-boyfriends she’ll F!? Talking on the phone? Hmmm…I’ll just listen to see if it’s an ex-boyfriend. OH! She is talking to a guy from college! I bet she is going to make plans to F! him! The best one: She’s going out with her girlfriends…Hmmm…I bet they will then get approached by guys, and she’ll want to F! one of them. (Yes, that really happened, he was jealous of her doing anything with her girlfriends. In other words, he was jealous of his heterosexual girlfriend being with other women. Think about it.).

Do you get the picture? You can find an excuse to be jealous with EVERYTHING she does. She just has to be herself and go about her daily business and you can go down a road of jealous anger and make any situation a bad one. It is 100% YOUR problem. She cannot do anything to solve YOUR problem. It is YOUR head and YOUR emotions, she has NO control over those. Jealousy is a disease of an emotion. If YOU let it take over YOUR other emotions, that is YOUR problem. A problem of YOURS that she is punished for.

Jealousy is closer to alcoholism than anything else. An alcoholic can’t make others solve their problem. But their problem certainly affects others, especially in a negative way. And like an alcoholic, there is one fix- just stop doing it. Really, that is it. Just stop it. Anytime you start heading down that road, just stop. Count to 3, say to yourself “This is my problem.” and stop it. You really can. Anyone who tells you that you can’t control your emotions is an enabler in the same way that someone would say it is the alcohol’s fault, not yours. Do not ever try and escape the reality that jealousy is YOUR problem and that YOU need to stop it.

And if you don’t stop it, I guarantee you, 100%, abso-friggin-lutely no question about it, it has happened a million times it will happen again: she will break up with you and go date someone else who is not jealous. Yep, you got it, if you don’t stop, she will get sick of you, she will leave, and your jealous suspicions will be realized when she sleeps with a nice caring guy who won’t dump HIS problems on her. And when she talks about her ex to him, it’ll be along the lines of “My ex was SO jealous! God he made me sick. I wasn’t able to do anything without his questions and glaring at me. It drove me nuts. I wasn’t even able to talk about my friends from High School around him! I am so relieved to be rid of him and so happy to be with you.” And how do I know this will happen? Because I am not jealous, and I have been the one the women said the above to many times.

-Tcat

17

I guess I needed to hear everything that was posted – I wanted to know that there are people out there who empathize with my problem and who experience the same thing. Unfortunately, I think that this jealousy stems from self-confidence/childhood issues. It sucks because I get jealous hearing about her past happiness, because I for the most part was unhappy. I have recently come to terms with the fact that I simply need to get over all of my “had a rough childhood” issues, because if I don’t it will do nothing but perpetuate this unhappiness. I instead need to look at how happy she makes me and focus on that. I know that she would never cheat on me. I know that more about her than anyone . . . she is extremely honest. The most honest person I have met. Now I feel guilty for being jealous.

This jealousy is completely irrational, and it has little to do with not trusting her. My jealousy stemmed from her thoughts rather than her actions; I want all of the awe and attraction and affection that she will have for others (not in a sexual way, just in a natural human way) to be only for me. Like I said, it’s irrational.

But I am going to make myself get over it. And, I’m not saying a word to her about it. It’s flattering at first when people get jealous over you, but beyond that it is highly unattractive. These are my issues and I am not dragging her into them. It did bother me when she said that, and I do think that it was a little disrespectful, but I’m sure that there exists a laundry list of comments that I have made that were not in the best taste and were disrespectful towards her. I was being hyper-sensitive. Guess what, Ryan . . . GET OVER IT ALREADY!!! I know that I can. WTF? Quit being such a dipshit.

Thanks again – I feel confident in my relationship – and remain really happy that I was smart enough to keep my mouth shut!

Thanks also for all your prayers!

By the way, my girlfriend is really hot and just a beautiful person all around!

18

I think you are going to be JUST FINE.

And congrats on the lady…she sounds WONDERFUL!