It’s a five-part process:
Well, it isn’t really like that… I mean, these things are sort of true and all, but it’s not really that kind of neighborhood. The trouble migrates from elsewhere, it’s not really the homegrown kind. (Except for the neighbors.)
I’m really, really liking this.
A trained alligator and ninjas sounds fine, but I’d rather have an alligator and trained ninjas. 
Is it possible to get a hold of the stuff that Poison Ivy excretes, and coat your lawn flamingos with it? When the person grabs the flamingos, it’ll get on their hands, and anything they touch with their hands (ifyouknowwhatimeannudgenudge), resulting in a highly unpleasant rash. I’m not sure how long the stuff stays potent outdoors though.
Failing that, leash a lawyer in your front yard. Lawyers scare EVERYBODY.
The grease idea is a good one. Personally, I favor lithium grease, because it’s a light color that absolutely will not wash out, and it’s noticeable from a long way away. I have a jacket that still shows the stain from lithium grease 15 years later.
I agree that flamingos aren’t the sturdiest things to concrete into the ground. Unless, that is, you remove the flimsy wire legs, fill the cavity of the plastic body with concrete, replace the flimsy legs with rebar, and THEN concrete them to the ground. Good luck running away quickly with one of those puppies…
And there’s always caltrops, but local laws probably don’t favor those.
No, that’s backwards. The default for alligators is that they try to eat anything that looks tasty, including the would-be owner. The default for ninjas is that they’re already trained, having gone to Ninja School. Maybe you’d rather have 1337 //!||94$, but they charge more and are hard to understand.
Prodigal wheelbarrow returns!
There it was today, looking a little sheepish, trying to pretend it had never been gone. I suppose somebody just needed to borrow it. I’m a little miffed, as I was looking forward to a new wheelbarrow, but, no, here’s Old Faithful back again. I put it in a nice, safe place this time.
It did not bring the flamingoes back with it, though.
Don’t loose that suckah…you could loan it out in trade for a neighbor keeping an eye on your flamingos!!!
[QUOTE=Raguleader]
A trained alligator and ninjas sounds fine, but I’d rather have an alligator and trained ninjas.
[\quote]
Ninjas are, by definition, trained–therwise they’d just be guys. Contrariwise, do you really want an UNTRAINED alligator around?
I just wanted to add that if you do fence the front yard and for your backyard you should get those “Beware of Dog” signs that show a drooling, foaming, toothy German Shepard or Doberman profile. Maybe your dog doesn’t fit that description but some people won’t bother to find out.
All you need is a couple of folk singers sprinkled round the lawn. They don’t eat much, they need even less, and no one comes onto any lawn populated by hippies.
Seriously?
Screw the flamingos, and get to know your neighbors. Have you introduced yourself? Do the opposite of a welcome wagon and have a little get together for all your new friends on your porch.
But be tough. Don’t let anyone walk on you.
Heh. I was just about to suggest dried-out skulls on sticks posted around the perimeter of your sacred hunting grounds.
Sailboat
Don’t think I’m barricaded up in here with my gun and my sweetest-cutest-puppy-wuppy (and the alligator.) I go to the neighborhood association meetings (granted, most of those people live on the really nice streets a block or two up), and I’m on at least waving basis with most of the people near me. It’s the people wandering in from the ghetto and probably passers-through who steal my crap, and it’s the vile college student renters next door whose dogs bark all the time (or, well, used to, before I sicced Officer Friendly on them.)
I suspect somebody stole Rusty, my wheelbarrow, under cover of night and only discovered the quality of their big take the next morning. Either that or he gave them lockjaw and they’re trying to make peace with God before they die.
Know any badass biker dudes? If not, go to the local biker bar and hire a couple of them to sit out in your yard drinking beer and whiskey for a week or two.
Granted, the liquor bill will probably be more than dogs, fences, ninjas, cameras etc put together.
Actually, I hang out with biker dudes, and we never get ripped off.
Plus, the cops are always around anyway. :smack:
I forgot to mention nothing is as intimidating as a big burly drunk biker with his arm around a plastic pink flamingo saying “Don’t fuck with the bird Bro!”
Yeah, but then how do you get the biker dudes off your front lawn?
Chuck Norris.
But then what? Would I have to feed him? Entertain him? What does Chuck Norris eat, anyway, and how do I get rid of him?
I think you’d have to do a little dance for him, allow him to bless you with a roundhouse kick of luck, and then he’d eventually wander off to fight terrorists or KKK thugs or something.