I find myself in an odd position. Four years ago, we moved into a new neighborhood. The neighbors are moderately friendly, but I haven’t become particularly close to anyone. We say hello and occasionally have a short chat in passing. My 11-year-old daughter is friends with many other children in the neighborhood, most of whose parents I’ve met briefly. I’m not close to any of those other parents, but we all know each other on sight, I know where they live, and I know some of their names. Today, my daughter came home and told me that the “dad” of a younger boy (he’s probably 7 or 8 now) who’s lived down the street from us since we moved in died some time last month. When I questioned her about that, she said, “A man came over to his house and he said that was one of his dad’s friends, and his dad had died.”
Now, I know the mom’s first name, and I know that her husband is the boy’s stepfather, not his father. His dad lives somewhere else, and from the conversations I’ve had with the mom, he has visitation but the boy doesn’t spend much time with him. I have no idea how to proceed from here. If the woman’s husband, the man who is/was also my neighbor (but whose name I cannot recall), died recently, I certainly want to go over and offer my condolences, although I’ve surely missed the boat on bringing food or attending the funeral or doing the other things neighbors can do to help. I don’t even know if her present husband is the one who died or if it was her ex-husband. If she’s just lost her husband, I would like to offer to help in some way - I’d be happy to babysit, for instance - but I am perplexed about how to go about offering. I don’t quite know how to bring this up. They live far enough down the street that I typically only see her enough to wave as I drive by. Our kids all meet and play at the neighborhood park that’s within a block of all our houses.
I’m stumped. Is there a graceful way to go to a neighbor and ask her if there’s been a death in the family? I’d ask someone else, but she herself is the closest thing to a gossip we have in this neighborhood, and both of her nearest neighbors are fairly recent renters I wouldn’t feel comfortable about approaching. I don’t feel comfortable just ignoring the situation, either, because her son and my daughter are occasional playmates. Any ideas?
If you live close enough to a good sized city, (well, for New Mexico), you can try the newspaper death notices. Those are often on-line.
Here is the Albuquerque Journal Obits on-line with a search feature. (I did not look to see whether they were actually only obituaries or whether they were simply death notices, which are usually more inclusive.) I’m sure that Santa Fe and a few of the other towns would provide similar services. They can go back a month or several years, depending on the paper.
Obviously, if it was the not-at-home father whose name you do not know, this will not work, but if the resident male whose name you know died, you will probably be able to find him.
Thank you, Tom. I actually read the obits almost daily - I found out about the deaths of two people I knew, one whose children went to elementary school with mine and another whose family belonged to the same church as mine, before their funerals, so I was able to attend and/or send a card to the family. Unfortunately, I don’t even know these neighbors’ last name, so I wouldn’t have recognized his obit if I did read it.
I’m starting to consider asking a neighbor who lives a little closer to her, and if that doesn’t work, just going to her door and somehow broaching the subject, although I’m still not quite sure how to do that gracefully. Perhaps I’ll just go ahead and be graceless, which is more in character for me anyway.
i think a fairly straight-on approach might be the least embarrassing. simply plan a quick visit to the neighbor’s house and broach the subject like “My daughter came home the other day with a story about your having a death in the family. Is this just another kid’s-mixed-up tale, or is there some truth to it? And if so, is there anything I can do to help?”
if it’s all hooey, you two can laugh about how kids reinterpret things. if it’s true, then you’ve shown your concern and willingness to help.
Any way to ask a neighbor? I would go that route first.
Well, I bit the bullet and asked her directly today, when I saw her in her yard. I worded it pretty much the way you suggested, lachesis, and it wasn’t too terribly awkward. As it happens, her husband (her son’s stepfather) did die just after New Year’s. I apologized for not keeping in better touch, seeing that she lives just down the street, and told her to call me if there was anything I could do. I doubt she will, but I’ll probably try to casually stop by again more regularly.
Thanks for your help, everyone.
glad to have helped in any small way.