We got a call Saturday evening from my younger brother: His father, who lived a few miles from us (my brother lives near Phoenix), died Friday, on his 76th birthday.
My brother, of course, is well aware of the way this man treated the family: he was a heavy drinker and would often bellow at and bully my mother (this man was her second husband), my sister, and me; he stupidly neglected his own son. (This is where I came in; the brother has flourished.)
Still, I would consider it foolish and cruel to speak to my brother about his deceased father in the I’ll-be-glad-when-you’re-dead-you-rascal-you fashion. At no time have I nor our mother nor other kinfolk spoken to this brother any way but sympathetically–to him about his father. He’s well aware of what kind of man the father was.
My brother will be out here in a few days for the funeral. I hesitate to bring the matter up to him; I think the way his father neglected him over so many years has been traumatic enough.
As readers of this post can tell, I’m quite at a loss to speak clearly on the matter myself, though Lord knows I was never close to this man… 
Are there any particular situtations you are worried about, or just the whole few days in general?
Obviously, you will have to feel your way, but here is what I would do: just keep reciting under your breath, “This isn’t about the dead SOB, this is about [brother’s name].” So concentrate on what your brother needs. Me, I’d go to the funeral with him, because the funeral is about him, and his loss, not about the corpse in the coffin. I’d say things like “I’m sorry you’re hurting”, which is not he same thing as “I’m sorry the jerk’s dead.” And I’d let him talk and tell stories. Say “mmm-hmmm” alot. And if he trys to apologize for his dad–because he almost certainly feels guilty about grieving for an asshole–I’d say something like “He’s your dad, and I’m glad you have some good memories of him. Nobody is all good or all bad.”
Then, in private, I’d spend some time bitching to someone close to you about the guyadn the shit he pulled, because that’s a pretty normal way to mark the passing of a signifigant negitive influence, and there’s nothing wrong with doing that, just don’t do it with your brother.
I wholly endorse Manda JO’s opinion. Funerals and their attendant duties are for the living, not the dead. Go to the funeral to show support for the bereaved.
Also, I’d like to add that even if your brother wants to criticise his father, just let him talk - don’t add any opinions yourself unless he really wants you to. Be a silent figure of support. Say and do what you like in private.
Yup, all of the above. When my stepmother died, I heard about it about a year later from her daughter. (Not a close family, obviously.) I absolutely loathed that woman, but wrote back and said “Even though Carol and I never got along, I know this has to be a tough time for you,” etc. In retrospect, I kind of wish I’d just left out the “even though we didn’t get along” part. I knew it, my stepsister knew it, it was petty of me. The woman was dead.
Focus on what you can do for your brother, and, as everyone says, if you’ve got venting to do, do it elsewhere – even if he seems to be inviting it from you, resist the impulse. You’ll feel better about it in the long run.
Damn, everyone got here ahead of me with all the good advice. You folks are smart, and I heartily agree with what was said above, especially the bit about supporting your brother, but not agreeing with criticism.
The only thing I can add is to not be shocked if your brother has a hard time with this death. We all think that grieving the death of someone we loved and who loved us will be the hardest, but usually it is grieving deaths like these–where the connection is close, but very flawed and ambivalent–that is the hardest. Maybe that is because we are grieving not only the loss, but also experiencing regret about what happened when the person was alive. Another big factor is that we are also grieving the loss of what might have been, what we missed out on and now will never have. Your brother knew his father would never become the ideal father we all long for, but somewhere in his heart, he wanted that, probably even to the end. Now he knows, really knows, that this wish has died along with his father. That’s a hard thing to face.
Best of luck to you in helping your brother grieve. It sounds like you have been a good older brother to him in the past–and I am sure you will be in this instance, too.
Like others have said better than I could, your job is to support your brother. Now is not the time for brutal honesty.
Haj
I have a different take. Yeah, avoid saying things, but be true to yourself. If you don’t want to go to the funeral, don’t go and don’t look back.
Stand by the family, keep your mouth shut. Funerals are not the place for brutal honesty. Go piss on the grave later. There is a certain amount of satisfaction in that.
Thanks to all.
It is regrettable about this man that I attended the funerals of three members of another family–no relation to me; those of a girl I’ll call Vickie, whom I went to high school with (her father, her mother, and one younger brother) and I mourned these deaths–but, personally (as noted in the OP) I do not mourn the death of my ex-stepfather, while at the same time feeling sympathy for my own brother’s loss, such as it was.
You have offered thoughtful replies and I’ll mull them over before my brother arrives. And I intend to wait for him to speak…