She told me her sister died. What should I have said?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

OK, so I’ve recently been seeing this woman. We’re not too serious yet, still in that getting to know each other stage. We were talking on the phone this evening, and I mentioned something about my brother. Then I said, “I can’t remember, have you told me if you have any siblings?”

Her response: “Well, I had a sister, but she died in a car wreck when I was sixteen.” (We’re both in our early 20s, so this isn’t even really that long ago.)

I think the first thing I said was “Wow”. Kind of a dumb response, I know, but it just completely caught me off guard. Then I said something like “I’m so sorry.” Then a long pause. (Remeber this was over the phone, so long pauses are especially awkward – no non-verbal communication.) I didn’t know what else to say. The only things I could think of were: “I had a cousin who died once . . . but I never really knew him” and “I was in a car wreck once, but it wasn’t that bad.” Both of those are clearly totally crappy. So I think I just mumbled something incoherent, paused a while more, and then lamely changed the subject. It felt like anything I’d say after that would seem totally irreverent, but I couldn’t just keep standing there silent. She didn’t seem offended or anything, but I felt like an ass.

So, I’ve realized I’m absolutely clueless of what an appropriate thing to say in this situation would be, beyond “I’m sorry.” What do you think I should have said?

2

I think you should’ve said, “Wow.” and then “I’m so sorry.” And then paused, to let her say anything she needed to say.

In other words, there’s nothing you could’ve said that would’ve been more appropriate. Anything that you attempted to add would’ve just come across as insincere, since you’re just getting to know her, and you didn’t know her sister at all. If she wanted to add more, she would have. Sometime in the future, she might feel like talking more about it, but for now, she just mentioned it and went on. It sounds like you handled it fine, and made the right choice by not saying any of the rambling things that popped into your head.

3

I have run into this so many times now that I have a prepared response. I know that may sound bad to some but it is always awkward when someone tells about loosing a loved one, especially if it was someone you did not know. I just say “I’m sorry to hear that, it must have been a tough time for you”. Shows that you are sympathetic to them and what they feel even though you did not know the person who died. Then, just like SolGrundy said, just allow them to say whatever they wish to say to you on the matter.

4

I think you did fine. That’s quite a shocking thing to hear, and you didn’t say anything wrong. **Mr. Niceguy’s ** is the perfect thing to say, but nobody will fault you for not thinking of it right then and there.

But it does give you a bit of an insight into this girl–her sister is gone but she still has her, in her heart, and refuses to erase her from her life. That’s sweet. She’ll probably be more philosophical and a bit more mature and not have the sense of invulnerability that many other teens have (although I don’t know how old you guys are) and it may have deepened or lessened any faith she might have had. Other than being aware of that, though, I wouldn’t bring it up again unless she does.

5

As someone who has been on the other side of that conversational bombshell (one of my sisters died about 15 years ago), I would suggest something along the lines of “I’m sorry to hear that… I’m sure it was a very difficult time for you and you family”. Or even “That’s too bad.”

6

I don’t think you did anything wrong; you’ll probably kick yourself inwardly for a while over the awkwardness of rambling on pointlessly. My suggestion (and you must yourself decide if this is appropriate in the context of your situation) would be to apologise for the awkwardness next time you meet face to face (don’t labour the point, maybe just something like “Gee, I’m really sorry about the other night on the phone, I just didn’t know what to say - I hope I didn’t make you feel bad”).

She may leave it at that, or she may want to talk about it - in which case, I would advise being prepared to listen a lot and saying very little yourself.
It can be difficult becuase “I had a [similar experience]”, although it may be intended as a way of saying that you can comprehend the other person’s pain, can also easily be mistaken as some sort of one-upmanship thing, or an attempt to shift the focus of attention to yourself.

7

I think you handled yourself well, tim314. I don’t think it’s necessary to apologize, but like Mangetout said, if you think it’s appropriate for your situation then do so.

I can give you a little personal perspective. My father died in April and my younger brother died in January 2002. I recently started seeing someone, who, while he knew, through mutual friends, about my father (one of the first things he said when we met was that he heard my father had died and offered his sympathies. I really appreciated that) he did not know about my brother. During the course of the past five months, we have discussed such things as family (he met my sister, my younger brother’s twin. she approved. :D) I did tell him about my brother. It was kind of an awkward silence, with him saying, exactly, “Wow! I’m sorry to hear that” and me saying thanks, then we went on. I’m thinking she’s feeling kinda the same way. You said the appropriate thing, now you move on. She may or may not bring up her sister again, but when and if she does, you already know the circumstances and will be willing to listen. Most of my comments about my brother are things like, “Gary liked such and such”,stuff we did as kids, or stories from we lived together for several years as adults. They’re just stories and stuff that need no reply, much like any story or stuff you would tell about a living sib.

My .02.

8

**Shirley’s Lesson In Death & All Its Jocularity. **

Some of this actually pertains to you. The rest is something I’ve wanted to Get Off My Chest for sometime. Bear with me.

It is hard to tell someone new of a loss. It is equally hard to hear of a loss as that stranger/new person.

The person who lost wants to share the information, the problem however is that if you share with the wrong person ( one who isn’t mature or emotionally able to handle things like this) what happens is that the person you tell distances themselves from the new person.

This is also very true if you have a serious chronic Very Bad Situation at your home/family. People live in their own little bubble and don’t want to hear bad things. After accidents, death and serious illnesses, fairweather friends and co-workers flee. It is not that they don’t care. It is because they are uncomfortable and don’t know what to say. It isn’t these are bad people, they cannot handle the realities of life. True friends you will find are the ones you least expect and stand by your side in the Ring of Fire that is the tragedy that you are enduring.

I have experienced all three of these first hand.

Obviously, Tim314, your friend felt comfortable enough with you to tell you this, and to summarize all my blowhardedness, I think you did fine. It is never easy to be on the receiving end of a conversational A-bomb like that. I’ve lost three siblings and when someone asks me if I have any siblings, I just say, “I am the youngest of five.” I tell them what they want to hear: happy non-bad things.

One day ask her to tell you about her sister. She’ll probably talk about the accident and the horrors of what they went through at first just let her talk. , but telling you about her personality and what made her sister tick will come out.

It will be one of the nicest things you can do for her. It will let her relive for a moment the bad, the good and possibly the funny things about her sibling and let her know you are not afraid to hear the bad, brutal things in life. And it is good that she mentioned it. There are people out there who never tell anyone of the death of a sibling or child. We have good friends that we’d known ten years before we found out that they had lost a teenage friend years earlier in an accident. No pictures of him exist in the house, not even with the other siblings. That is not healthy. That is just as sad as the people who have never let go of their grief and have moved on.

I view things like this as a chance this person is giving me to practice patience and compassion and I view it as if they were comfortable and courageous enough to tell me, I am strong enough to hear it.

9

What a wonderful, compassionate and healthy way to put it! I really like the way you phrased that Shirley Ujest. Just awesome!

10

I think you handled it perfectly well, tim314. If she wanted to talk more about her sister, she could have changed the subject back to her.

11

Keep the response sincere and short. “I’m so sorry to hear that.” “My sincere condolances.”

12

What Shirley Ujest said. I doubt any of us can improve much on that. :slight_smile:

You did fine, tim314 , your friend may correctly understand your stumbling a little for the right words as what it was…trying to find something to share with her to make her understand that you heard her and cared. A phone conversation makes things more awkward, but usually in person the best thing you can do is say “I’m sorry” and then just be there.

So next time you see your friend if you feel the need to mention the conversation I would go ahead and do so…say you wanted to say again that you were sorry she went throught the death of a sib…and then just be there for her.

13

Seems you did alright to me. She should understand that it was a bit of a shock to you and that you couldn’t automatically think of what to say. Your response seemed fine to me. It’s not like you yelled ‘Yippee!Were the body parts everywhere?’ in which case I wouldn’t hold out much hope for you at all :smiley:

14

Eh, you did fine. My dad died eleven years ago, and when the subject came up with my boyfriend, he said, “I’m sorry, that must have been rough.” “Yep,” I think was my response. Of course I miss my dad, but it’s been a while, and I have no real problems with talking about it. I don’t tell EVERYBODY, but it’s not some horrible secret, either.

15

Ok, for this post alone, you need to join up. The Dope needs more smart assery in its ranks. :smiley:

A whole bunch of great answers to tim314’s questions.

16

As someone who has been on the receiving end, I have to support this phrasing. Not only is it a true and sympathetic thing to say, but it allows the person a reasonable response.

I found, after my father died, that many people said, “I’m sorry.” And while I definitely am not complaining, I found it awkward to reply to that in any way. “Yes” or “Thank you” felt really wrong. “So am I” felt snarky and obvious. “Don’t be” was completely inappropriate.

But when someone said, “I’m sorry, that must be very difficult,” I could simply say, “Yes, it is” and the conversation could move on, or not, depending on the circumstances.

I don’t know if this makes any sense, but I will always remember that not only does the unaffected party feel awkward, so does the grieving person. I was horrified by the thought that I would sound like I was begging for sympathy, or planning on accosting them with my grief, or wanting to talk about it, or just plain over-sharing. Being able to say something simple like “yes” meant a lot to me.

17

Thanks. It took me years to get to that level. Its too bad they don’t teach Death, Dying and All That Other Stuff in School. It would be the only class I get/got an A in.

18

Yep you did fine. Maybe a little later ask her if she wants to talk about her sister. Magetout’s “sorry about the other night on the phone, I just didn’t know what to say - I hope I didn’t make you feel bad” would be good if you think you may have sounded bad to your gf. You did well not to mention your cousin as that sort of thing sounds like trying to regain some sympathy back again.