So, way back in the late '90’s, A few freinds and I started this little maling list. Not a big thing, just something for us Skinny Puppy fans that had taken the off-topic stuff too far for the folks who were in charge at the time.
Fast-forward six years from that point, and a member of our little yahoogroup lost his mother this week.
This was the best I could come up with:
Maybe this should be in the pit.
I really don’t know what to say.
Hope it doesn’t sound like bullshit if I say I sympathize, Darth. (If I’ve never mentioned it before, your handle rules.) But I do. And you and I are definitely not the only ones who never know what to say in this situation. That’s probably why there are so many cliches.
Since standard ‘feel better’ death lines like “he’s in a better place,” “he’s with god now,” and anything overtly religious or soul-related is off-limits to me in the comforting game, I never know what to say either. Usually I try to focus on the person who’s feeling sorry, not the one who’s died. And to some degree, I guess comments like the above suck because they’re encouraging the person not to feel bad when the obvious impulse is to feel bad because someone they care about is dead and gone. Good for you that you’re not playing that game.
And now I don’t know what to say to finish my post. I’m sorry for your friend.
Ugh, somehow between December and now there’ve been a few too many deaths (of family members, or community members) in the online communities I belong to. I never. ever know what to say, and words are never adequate. You’re doing well with the words you’ve got, and more to the point the feelings you’ve expressed. You’re a good friend to this person.
Both of you seem to know what you are doing. I have lots of grief exposure - I had a baby die and went to support groups and my ex-wife was a palliative care specialist and trained grief counsellors. The best site I have found for the average person is one provided apparently by the Ohio Police ohiocops. Although aimed primarily at relatives of victims of violent crime it is well presented and full of useful information.
I like to tell people who have had no experience of death, to read up on it as an abstract idea so that when it inevitably hits they have some idea what is happening to them. Being from a small family with most of my relatives overseas I was totally unprepared.
I think if you read some of the stuff on the site you will find that you have been far wiser than either of you realised.
I’m sorry that your friend has experienced this loss. It sounds to me like you had the right instinct for what to say, probably because you’re close enough to the guy to know what he needs to hear.
The OhioCops site has some good tips. I do feel it is important to avoid the temptation to use “feel good” cliches, including the good-intentioned comments like “He’s with God now”. Yes, it can be comforting for the survivor to think that their person is in Heaven, but it’s also not uncommon for survivors to be very bitter about God taking their person away (speaking from personal experience on that one).
I don’t know what to say when someone dies, but my father died in December and I can mention a couple of things that are not what to say:
“He’s in a better place now.”
“God moves in mysterious ways.”
“This is all part of God’s plan.”
“We all have to die sometime.”
“Cheer up.” !!
And don’t ask questions. That just forces the mourner to think about being polite to you instead of operating on auto-pilot.
Things I liked hearing:
“I am so sorry for your loss.”
“Your father was a good man.”
“I’ll miss him.” “We’ll miss him.” “He’ll be missed.”
“If there’s anything I can do…”
Julie
Generally, I say “I sympathize”, and follow up with my best memories or impressions of the person - because it’s nice to hear that someone you cared about touched other people as well. If I didn’t know the person personally, I just say something like “I know how much she supported you and how close you were; you have my sympathies during this tough time.” I agree with jsgoddess that it isn’t the time for questions, or for helpful advice, or anything besides sympathies and specific offers to help (i.e., not “is there anything I can do?”, but “will you need someone to help care for Fido while you’re making arrangements?”).
Thanks, folks.
when my Dad passed away 12 yrs ago (damn, this week!), my minister had the exact right term- “It is so surreal!” He didn’t get all spiritual & religious (which would have been OK too, when I saw Dad after he passed, I prayed the Creed out loud), but he just said what was natural & so accurate & it was very very cool of him.
Just some thoughts:
I don’t know how you feel, but I know it feels bad.
I wish there were words to take the pain away, but there are none - however, please know that you are in my thoughts and in my heart.