Like Otto, my dad died recently. I am astonished by the number of friends who email me about it. Here is one:
“Hey, sorry to hear about your father.” Hey? That’s it? Hey, sorry to hear about your father?
Even more puzzling are the people who, two days after the death, email me or call to talk about something, but they don’t mention my father. When I said something like, “I can’t help paint your garage, because I’m in the middle of finalizing my father’s funeral plans (due to many relatives coming from far away) and I’ve been going through his things (to find out if he had a will.)”
Then they say something like, “Yeah, I read that in the paper.” So I think, “Then what the hell are you calling me for to talk about painting your garage” but I keep my mouth shut.
So now I’m a bit pissed at a number of people, including some good friends I didn’t hear from at all. I know we all lead busy lives, so now I’m wondering . . . am I being unreasonable, or are most of my friends insensitive twits?
Nope – most of your friends are insensitive twits. Ignore them. If you’re feeling generous, you can interpret it as lack of social skills and/or empathy … if you’re not feeling generous, ignore it, because you’ve got way better things to think about right now.
Maybe not insensitive twits as much as clueless about how to properly express condolences, and perhaps totally freaked out about death and loss in general. Or have the horribly misguided notion that mentioning your loss would be opening old wounds. They do care, they simply don’t know how to show you they care
If I had known your father, or you, IRL, my note would be written by my own hand, mentioned something nice about your dad (or your relationship with him or something), and sent through the Post Office, after being verbally extended, because my grandmother taught me the proper (American) response. Maybe your friends didn’t have pushy grandmothers.
Having recently lost my sister, I am, like you, rather puzzled at the responses of some people. People my age or older have written, sent a card, phoned. Younger people really don’t seem to know what to do, so they do nothing. I don’t think they are insensitive, just ignorant of the “right thing to do”. Death is the really unmentionable thing.
It does not hurt a bereaved person to have someone mention their bereavement. I was taught that no matter how long ago a death was, when you learn of it, you should at least send a card. “I only learned today that your mother died last year. I am so sorry . . .etc.”
FWIW, I am 26 and when my advisor recently lost his father, I sent him a card with a short handwritten note inside, so at least one young person does know the appropriate response.
I also got e-mails when my dad died a few years ago, but they were basically condolence e-mails, so it didn’t seem strange to me. This was in Minnesota though, so maybe it’s a geography thing?
I know that I fall into both these categories, often simultaneously.
I am at a total loss of words when dealing with loss of this magnitude. I generally avoid the memorial threads, and the recent loss threads, because they leave me more abjectly morose than before. No matter how often I’ve seen it, death confuses the crap out of me. I can’t figure out how I want to grieve, let alone guess how someone else wants to receive words of assurance. I feel that the possibility that I, some random stranger on the internet, will only aggravate that hollow crumbling feeling is just too great, so I just keep my trap shut.
Obeseus, and Otto, and David Simmons, and to everyone else I’ve shrugged off in this regard: I’m sorry for your loss. I truly am. I just don’t know how to saying that without feeling like I’m making things worse.
No, you haven’t made anything worse, you have expressed genuine sympathy. You might think you were awkward, but who can be ‘polished’ and smooth at such a time? Real feeling is what counts.
A friend of mine lost her 13 year old son. She said, years later, that what hurt her and her family was that people never mentioned him any more. She was never hurt by hearing his name - it’s not as though she would forget and then be reminded.
Death is confusing. Sadly, as you get older, it will become a more common thing in your life. The number of funerals I’ve been to in the last ten years . . and it won’t get better.
I’m sorry for your loss, Obeseus. That sucks. (Or maybe, depending on the circumstances, it was a blessing.)
I few months ago my ex-GF emailed me to tell me that one of her cats had died. I emailed back. But I felt like an insensitive jerk, even though it was just for a cat. So I called her. It turned into an hour-long tearful discussion about “us.” Egads.