Two students in my class have had a parent die this semester. 
(These are confirmed by the Dean, so no chance that they’re just trying to get out of taking their tests.) Another’s grandmother died, one had a friend die in a car accident, and the other lost a friend to cancer.
I am usually notified by email, and I can never come up with anything to say to acknowledge their grief that doesn’t sound lame. I have adopted the policy of just being professional and understanding, and allowing them to make up their work at whatever pace is comfortable for them. Is that the right thing to do? This is a class of 200 students, so I know very few of them by name, and I have the feeling that any expression of sympathy would just seem pro-forma and stilted.
Since you don’t really know them, I would humbly suggest you speak with them personally and say simply, “I know you’re having a tough time right now, so if you have any trouble with your work or need anything of me just say so.”
Anything more personal I believe would sound presumptous.
I generally fall back on the old standby, “I’m very sorry for your loss. If there is anything I can do to help, please let me know.”
I also try to make an effort to check back with the person after a month or so, once the reality of the loss has become apparent.
I generally fall back on the old standby, “I’m very sorry for your loss.” It is important to acknowledge the loss - to say something. When my brother committed suicide over a decade ago, I appreciated people who stepped beyond their own discomfort to acknowledge this loss which had changed my life. It wasn’t that some people ignored what had happened, so much as avoided the subject because they didn’t know what to say. I appreciated people who admitted, “I don’t know what to say, but I’m so sorry.”
I also try to make an effort to check back with the person after a month or so, once the reality of the loss has become apparent.
Sorry for the double post above. :o
I am a teacher and just last Friday for Superintendants day we were trained on this very subject.
The following are from Juanita Johnson
What children and adolescents want from adults following a death
- Tell me the truth
- Let me know it is okay to talk to you
- Let me see you cry if you are sad
- Gently touch me on my shoulde, or hold my hand
- Validate MY loss
- Tell me all my feelings are okay
- Understand I need to say goodbye my way
- Don’t expect too much of me
- Understand I may want to talk to someone outside of my family
Also, be aware of Primary and Secondary losses.
The primary loss is the loss of the family member and is very obvious
The secondary losses are not so obvious. For instance, a person may withdraw and lose their friends. That is a secondary loss.
I guess just let them know you care and are there for them.
We have had several suicides, which prompted this training.
I hope this helps. I assume you are talking about college students, but the information may be useful.
I guess the “sorry for your loss” response is the way to go . . . That’s what I’ve said when I talked to them in person, and I guess it wouldn’t be too bad in email. And I’ll add the anything-I-can-do bit. Inasmuch as I have any impact on their lives, I try to do what I can by not putting any pressure on them to make up work before they’re ready.
My father died while I was in high school, two weeks before graduation. Most of mine offered a hug and basically let me get away with never taking the tests at the very end of school (something I certainly did not expect but did appreciate).
That being said, I was much closer to my HS teachers than my college professors. If he had died a year later I think I would have appreciated a note from my professors saying exactly what you already say, but no more. Above all, the best thing you can do is let them know that they can make up work at their own pace. It’s not only the best kind of sympathy a professor can give, it’s the kind of sympathy ONLY a professor can give.