Dopers,
I need some help and I come to you and not Miss Manners ( fine as she is) for this one.
When writing notes of sympathy on paper or email, what works for you? Have you had some notes that struck the right note? What do I say to someone who I only know on line who has lost a family member. And very often these people are NOT Christian, as I am not. Most advice seems to be written for that faith.
Words of wisdom please.
I think that what is important in a sympathy note is not so much to give advice (religious or not) as to acknowledge the person’s life and express sorrow that he or she is gone. It can be only a sentence or two:
“I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I know from all of your stories that X was a wonderful person, and she’ll be missed very much. Please accept my sincere condolences.”
If you knew the deceased personally, you can add a little story or remembrance of the person, especially if you have one that the family might not know of. They will treasure it.
Hope this helps.
Something along the lines of “I’m sorry, that must be really hard. Here, have a hug,” is what I’d consider most appropriate for somebody online, assuming that you don’t really know this person. I would not bring religion into it, aside from maybe a “You’re in my prayers,” unless you know it’s not going to offend them. I would DEFINITELY never get into the “you don’t need to worry, he’s in heaven now,” stuff unless the person in question brings it up. Having lost a parent eleven years ago I can assure you that I don’t know where my dad is. I certainly did (and rarely, do) not cry because I’m afraid he’s somewhere awful. I MISS him dreadfully is all.
The advice from Scarlett67 is good. “I’m so sorry” is all you have to say. Avoid saying “you must feel…” or “I know/can imagine how you feel…” and all will be well.
If at all possible, sympathy notes should be written on actual, real paper and sent in an honest-to-goodness envelope. (Obviously if you only know someone online and don’t have thier real-life address, this is impossible.) An expression of sympathy and loss at the passing of a life is too monumental for an e-mail, howvere carefully worded. Simply saying that you’re sorry for the person’s loss and you’re there if they need you written on a simple card or piece of paper can mean volumes to someone who’s mourning.
“I’m very sorry” “You’re in my thoughts” and “Please let me know if there’s any way that I can lighten your burden” are all good. I second the thought of an anecdote if you actually knew the deceased.
IMHO, the following come off sounding trite, false, or both:
“they’re in heaven now” (unless you know the person you’re trying to console believes this.
“I know how you must feel” (no, you don’t. even if you’ve lost someone close, everyone reacts differently).
“Just give yourself some time” (It’s valid advice, but a sympthy card isn’t the time for it).
I tend to approach sympathy messages with the view that what you actually say hardly matters; what matters is that you are sending the message. Keep it simple - there’s a temptation to wax philosophical, and the more you do so, the better chance you have of putting your foot in it.
Having once been a Postulant for Holy Orders, I kinda got into the pastoral mode, and it stuck. All of the above advice is good. Let me summarize, and maybe I can find something to add.
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Don’t assume you know what they’re going through, unless you’ve gone through it as well.
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Avoid platitudes at all costs. That’s like throwing them into a Thomas Kincade painting and saying “What are you so upset about? Isn’t life wonderful??!?” Well, no, it isn’t at that moment.
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If you want to offer anything more than your awareness of their loss, ask them what you can do before you add to their 32 pots of sympathy flowers or 20 pounds of frozen food.
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Sometimes the most touching and profound things that can be said are along the lines of “I know you are in pain, and I am here to offer support.” That support could be emotional, but it could also just be your awareness of their situation.
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I’ve learned over the years that crises like these tend to remove the perspective we rely on to judge how serious things are or aren’t. Carefully worded messages along the lines of “This will pass and your life will become manageable again” can help. But if you don’t know all of the circumstances, it’s better not to say anything at all. There may be a lot of hidden guilt or anger that you can unknowingly touch off. This is where the art of saying the right thing is cultivated, and starts with keeping your mouth shut 99.99% of the time.
In the end, a note recognizing their loss is nearly always appreciated.
Vlad/Igor
If you knew the person who is lost, a heartwarming or funny remniscence. Expressions of sympathy that don’t give advice or claim to know how the recipient feels. General helpful wishes are nice but won’t (probably) be accepted, specific help can be offered if you can actually be helpful.
Dear Bob,
I was so sorry to hear about the loss of your mother.
I remember when we were kids, and she used to give us hot cocoa and chocolate chip cookies when we’d been out playing in the snow. I still think of her on snowy days.
As you know, I’m only a phone call away if you need anything. I know how much your mom loved her garden- would it help if I volunteered to keep it weeded for you while you’re deciding what to do with her house?
You’ll be in my thoughts,
FisherQueen.
Thank you all so much.
You gave me very helpful ideas and I will use them.
Stellablue
And even then realise that you don’t know what they are going through.
I hate flowers as a gift for the grieving - they can then sit around and watch a house full of flowers die just as an added reminder. I find that things like potted trees to be planted in memory are well received. Asking the recently bereaved what they need is usually futile (particularly if the loss was sudden) they don’t know and can’t think. Use your imagination or ask their friends - maybe some child minding or a laundry pick up if they have little kids…whatever suits, just make the offer.
I don’t think messages of this kind have ever contributed to assisting the grieving. It is merely a platitude that to the listener is either self evident or impossible to believe depending on their mental state.
In the end, they won’t remember what you said, they’ll remember that you said something and they’ll appreciate it.
Haj