I don’t like to take medications for anxiety and depression, but I have had some success in the past few years with something like “thought stopping.” When I catch myself having repetitive negative thoughts, or when my mind is racing when I want to sleep, I consciously stop. I ask myself whether any of my rumination is helpful. I have to settle the matter and move on. If I actually did something wrong, a quick acknowledgement that I was wrong and I need to do things differently next time (and possibly apologize for this time, depending on the situation) is enough. Shame has done its job and it can be put away. It has taken a lot of practice, but I can generally switch over to a different subject. If I am trying to sleep, I will just count. My mental health has improved quite a bit.
I sometimes go over my stupid faux pas over and over and nothing really works completely and quickly. I do keep trying and it makes it slightly better each time, so I think “just forgive yourself” or “let it go”. I thought I was kind of alone in this. Like I was the only one who had a highlight (lowlight?) reel playing before their eyes at bedtime sometimes.
We forgive ourselves, in time. We forget that we have the power to do so and we prove it by so readily giving this power over to others (who are usually so damaged themselves that such personal information affects them is like a mixture of Coke & a loaded gun).
Forgiving yourself is EASY compared to forgiving those Sociopathic Assholes. True, drugs might be a good start, but shooting them in the ass with this baby ensures a timely delivery.
Maybe you are trying to get yourself to remember to think before you speak. Asking people nosy questions is not being “spontaneous” in a good way, and people do remember getting asked these questions for years and years. Instead of beating yourself up about the past, focus on minimizing making these mistakes in the future.
That gaffe is what I am often mortified about - for all of five seconds. That’s how long the other party is going to remember my gaffe, if at all.
Advice that amounts to: “Well, if you’d just be different” usually is not very helpful.
Even less so in this case. As I wrote, that was the first and last time I ever made that particular mistake, and it’s been ten years. Believe it or not, I share your distaste for people who call themselves spontaneous so they don’t have to admit they’ve got no tact and go around making uninvited personal remarks about others and asking personal questions. For a very long time, most of my memories have been about a totally different kind of gaffe.
Yesterdays gaffe:
At the office, they were hanging a new painting, as part of a project to trot out the municipality’s art collection. Most of that art is from local minor painters and was bought as part of a plan to support them with income. In other words, the art is not very good.
As I walked past, a little group had gathered to discuss what the (semi-abstract) painting depicted. For the story, it is relevant that I’m a woman, and the co-workers were one woman and two men.
To me one part of the painting stood out clear as day: a huge dong. As the two co-workers said what they saw in it: (a lady with large buttocks; a heart, our province; a couple of masks) I felt they were pussyfooting around the elephant in the room and I said: “Am I the only one who sees that giant dong?” There was some very light smirking, a curious look, and one of them said: “Oh yeah, I suppose so.”. And then everyone went back to work. That’s it. A minute of light office banter. It probably won’t even register with my co-workers that a gaffe WAS committed on my part. Yet, that remark of mine is what me kept up last night. 
You’ve probably met some real jerks at some point in your life: the egocentric, the careless or, even worse, the downright psychopathic. It seems they would benefit from adopting a more self-critical attitude. Conversely, people at the other end of the spectrum would probably benefit from not being so hard on themselves.
It also helps to observe similar behavior in others and to realize that it’s not a pretty sight.
It may also interest you to consider that such behavior may be a validation mechanism (of which you’d be unware, of course). You punish yourself, therefore you must be a good person, etc. Once you can get past all of that crap, and if you’re absolutely sure that you are a good person (and I suggest you give that point an awful lot of thought), the next step is to become more egocentric. A hero in your own eyes.
But seriously, being kept awake all night by a giant dong is nothing to lose sleep over.
In what way was that a gaffe? 
Hey, you just chose the wrong country 
over here, you would have been asking how long he’d been a lamb that had been chopped up, browned and cooked in tomato sauce and red peppers…damnit now I’m hungry
Did the pastor even take offense? It seems to me like perhaps the least offensive mistake one could make.
I used to be terribly self-conscious; some relatives who manage to take offense at stuff which happened before they were born helped. One day someone said something within my hearing that I’ve been telling to others ever since: “nobody was born knowing”. Do you guys know what the first Leonardo looked like? Yes you do, it was stick figures! I realized life is too short to spend it looking back.
Because I know how much these social faux pas bother me, I’m very quick with the “cleanup” button.
Meaning throwing in a “Oh! What I just said may have come across as rude, but I didn’t mean blah blah, I just meant yadda yadda” (or even “What I just said was rude, sorry”). I consider myself pretty socially proficient but in casual, friendly conversation I probably average out about one of those per 5 hours of speech.
Being aware of such mistakes, and “cleaning up” without making it worse is just one of those skills you have to work on. So this is one reason it helps to reflect on your mistakes at least a little, even though it’s painful to do so.
Another benefit of doing this is you should become more aware of when people have said things to you that were out of line, which is also an important skill.
Oh, and for silly mistakes, but those not likely to cause offense, just laugh if off. Seriously, things like that are like unintentional jokes that make conversations more interesting.
Ah, the “Have a nice meal.” -on automatic- “you, too”-gaffe. I remember when that one still bothered me. Strangely, that one is no longer a problem because I realised the server will probably even like beng adressed that way. It is not offensive at all, and it is nice if the other person makes the gaffe in the interaction, not you.
Thank you for being bewildered. I don’t know how that was a gaffe either, but it sure felt like one to me, that was the problem. If I had to explain, it woul be that I was the first one to mention the word “dong” among my co-workers, and that word is not usually part of the normal office banter (We’re usually terribly civilised here). For the record, this is the painting.
I would just be afraid that such a clean up would make matters worse.
Huh, that is an interesting observation. My mom is an incredibly rude person. As I was raised by her, and still having to deal with her, throws off my social compass every time. She says things that are totally our of line, yet never feels shame or acknowledges her behavior. Perhaps I feel shame for the both of us.
OK, so it wasn’t a faux pas, it was that you had the bollocks to say the emperor was naked. And that is most definitely a dong.
I didn’t say to “be” different. Thinking about what you are about to say in advance instead of blurting out comments you later regret is not like fighting Tourette’s. You’ve managed to refrain from repeating the mistake of asking when someone is due, so you have more control over this than you’re giving yourself credit for.
Perhaps the due date example you gave is not representative, but if you are trying to tell yourself no one thought twice about it, that is wishful thinking, and telling yourself later that everyone has forgotten doesn’t work, because of course they have not.
Making the comment about the painting is different, as it had no victim, but probably all witnesses to it told others as a “you won’t believe what Maastricht said at work today” funny story. So what though? You are allowed to have a personality. If you’re someone who makes funny remarks, so much the better.
I thought of this thread last night as I was reading before bed. “Emma,” by Jane Austen…in which the main character, our beloved Emma, sticks her foot directly in her mouth by insulting the annoying but kind Miss Bates. If one of the most popular literary characters ever can commit such a faux pas and still be so well-liked, you can too. 
Yep, that’s totally a schlong.
During the very, very often occassions when my mind wanders onto something stressful that happened in the past (oh and I go back years, believe me) I will stop and think “Why are you thinking about this. What good is it doing?” Then I will redirect my thoughts to the excellent life that I have now.
(If you try medications be wary of side effects - Celexa (Citalopram) made me fat, drowsy, and gave me night sweats. It was brutal.)
Don’t be silly, that’s a fish.
…
No, I’m joking, it’s a dong.
And now no one in your office can ever un-see the dong. You all now work in a place with a penis on the wall. I’d say that’s just a good day’s work on your part.
Not only is it a dong, it looks like it has a fist around it!
One day, I walked into the office and noticed that the fake plants had been replaced. The ‘foliage’ was very dark green to brown in color; the ‘plants’ looked like they were dead or dying, and I said so to the receptionist. Turns out that she had selected them for their autumn colors, and thought they looked great. I’m fairly certain that she doesn’t hold it against me…
I remember and beat myself up for nearly every stupid little thing I’ve done for years. I accidentally broke a small thing of my sister in laws…12 years ago. She’s forgotten long ago but I still feel bad. Working with my therapist on getting over the small stuff but it’s hard.
No, he definitely didn’t take offense. He was confused more than anything. One of the other kids on the trip came up with a different way to ask the question and we all moved along with the conversation. Like I said, he might even have felt positively toward me.
I know that I feel that way when non-native English speakers make mistakes. I think “Hey, at least they’re trying. I can help them learn something here.” But, naturally, I hold myself to a different standard.