I hesitate in posting this since it’s a little personal, but it’s really been bothering me lately, and I’m wondering if anyone can relate. See, the problem is that I am CONSTANTLY embarrassed! Over anything and everything and nothing at all! I’ll say something that really wasn’t even stupid and be embarrassed about it for an hour or two. If what I said WAS stupid, I’ll be embarrassed the rest of the day.
Needless to say, this makes me a very quiet person in real life. Silence doesn’t do any good, though, since I get embarrassed because I’m too quiet, so I either talk and embarrass myself that way or get even quieter and – well, you get the picture. It’s frusterating to say the least. The pain of the embarrassment is lessened if I’m typing on a message board or IRC, or something like that, due to the relative anonymity of the medium. I still get embarrassed, just not quite as ego-crushingly so as I do in real life. Others can’t comprehend this and consider me somewhat of a loser for spending so much time with “virtual friends.” Of course this just makes me more embarrassed.
Can anyone identify? Any amatuer psychologists want to offer up a guess as to what the hell is wrong with me?
(It’s pretty safe to say that I’ll be embarrassed for posting this for quite some time. I hope it’s worth it.)
I can relate to this topic. I had a rather violent childhood and adolescence, but I remember the embarassments & humilitations far more keenly than any physical pain. Sometime when my mind drifts along and it recalls a particulary whincing episode, I automatically say “Shut Up!” out loud, and my wife, knowing why I do this, will run into the room and try to pry it out of me (she’s kinda sadistic that way).
Yeah, sometimes it helps to act like you’re confident, but there’s still that time when you’re by yourself replaying the events of the day, and you overcriticize yourself. Or at least I do. I’m not quite sure how to make myself stop thinking, “Boy, that was a dumb thing to say at lunch” or whatever, but I can assure you you’re not the only one.
I’ve found that a good way to minimize my own embarassment is to find a bunch of talkative, stupid people, and hang around with them. That way, THEY are the ones saying the dumb things, and I can sit back and think “Gee, Mary really put her foot in it - glad it was her and not me.” Eventually, you come to realize everyone says dumb things every now and then, and the trick is just to say fewer than the people you’re with.
Besides, everyone probably just thinks you’re a great listener.
I don’t know how old you are, Puffington, nor do I need to, but I know this was something I went through in high school. Suddenly junior year, I found my people (drama geeks) and realised that I was a worthwhile person who said worthwhile things. And I didn’t care what I said around the people who weren’t my friends, because they didn’t effect me. I still beat myself up when I say something that inadvertantly hurts someone (I was watching one of those reunion shows, and it was two half sisters. I said something like “wouldn’t it be wierd if you found out you had a sister that looked EXACTLY like you walking around out there?” My sister, who I often forget is my half-sister, said “watch it. I could have siblings wandering around that I don’t know about.” ouch.) But just saying things that other people misinterpret, or whatever, I have ceased to care. Some people will think you’re stupid, no matter what you do, some will adore you no matter what you do. You don’t have control over that. As Janis Joplin said “Don’t compromise yourself–it’s all you’ve got.”
I don’t have the same problem on a continuous basis but I do have occasional episodes where all I can think about is every stupid thing I’ve ever done. I continuously relive embarassing incidents from my past (and when you’re as old as I am you’ve got a lot of them to relive).
I don’t have any magic to make these episodes go away but the good news is that I can recognized them and, to some extent, ignore them – that is, tell myself that it’s old news, don’t take it so hard, etc.
I still suffer acutely from shyness and embarassment whenever I’m in a situation where I don’t know how I’m expected to behave. Fortunately I don’t run into these situations much anymore – my life is pretty routine. (That is a good thing, isn’t it?)
I suspect there are similar elements in your situation. Do you have any close friends or family members that you are not embarassed to be around? My guess is that you do, and your embarassment around them is less because they know pretty well who you are. You don’t have to decide how to act around them because you are comfortable in your interaction with them.
I have more psycho-babble on this topic if you think it is helpful. Let me know and we can talk about it. Anonymously, of course!!
I have to admit that I’ve been known to suffer from the same sort of crippling embarassment-feeling. Then my gram gave me a peice of advice that really helped, although I had to think about it for a while 'til I got what she meant; on the surface it is kinda harsh.
Anyway, what she said is “No one is nearly as interested in what you say or what you do as you yourself are.” She’s right you know…not one person out there is ever spent more than a few moments with my comments echoing in their head (unless maybe, if I were deliberately hurtful), whereas I’m still feeling squirmy about dumb stuff I said back in grade school.
But I can say with absolute certainty the person I made some dumb comment to now barely remembers me, much less one specific thing I said.
Also I have to agree with posters above: if you are an teen or young adult, then that explains it to some extent. Overwhelming self-consciousness is one of the symptoms of adolescence, which is why, now that I have made it safely to the other side, you could never pay me enough to do it over again.
Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to
pound in the correct screw.
Absynthetic, your comment reminded me of one of my favorite comments from Bertrand Russell. He was talking about feeling paranoid/persecuted (his suggestion applied to “avoiding persecution mania”), but the exact same thing applies to feeling embarrassed (which is not entirely unrelated): “Don’t imagaine that most people ever give you enough thought to have any desire to persecute you.” Very true, and the awareness took a certain amount of mental pressure off my life. Realizing that most people are far too worried about how they themselves appear/act/sound to care much about how you appear/act/sound can be very liberating.
The river delights to lift us free, if only we dare let go.
Cygnus, I wish that were true in my case. Unfortunately, for most of my life I was the person everyone watched and kept track of so they could make fun. It was the standard middle-school experience, but my case was very extreme; even teachers, who ususally don’t concern themselves with kid-on-kid harassment, said they’d never seen someone who was as much of a target as I was. In high school, it got even better; not only was I mocked by most people, but other girls took it upon themselves to keep me informed about who had said what about me, and why didn’t I change, or do something to stop them? Unfortunately, I don’t think there’s a solution. It’s much easier to attract attention than to deflect attention away from oneself. Also, a person can’t suddenly decide that they’re going to conform, then change overnight and they’re in. You almost have to be given permission to conform; girls spend hours conferring with each other about what they’re going to do/wear/say, and if an outsider tries to imitate that, they’re still going to be glaringly different, and also pathetic. I’ve often been told that it’s not really my appearance, that there’s “just something about me” that people think is “weird”. Sometimes I tried to insulate myself by putting my mind somewhere else, but then I got extra crap for being “spaced out”. And yes, I do walk funny; so would you if you knew everyone was looking. I tried and tried to control it, but if I didn’t give it my full concentration, the head would go down and the shoulder would go up…I guess it’s just more fun to make fun of someone than not, and the more you’re targeted, the more selfconscious you become, and the more you’re targeted because you’re selfconscious. And Pluto, I relive painful moments from my past, too; that’s why I’m in therapy.
What really cracks me up, though, is how shallow, petty and backstabbing the “in” crowd can be, even with each other. But someone who decides that people like that wouldn’t be real friends anyway is a freak, right? Maybe they’re just more mature. It’s not that I wanted to be their friend; just that, with all the flak I had to take, nobody wanted to be my friend, because then they’d have to take it too.
Remember, I’m pulling for you; we’re all in this together.
—Red Green
I know exactly what you mean, puffington and the rest of you. I have the same problem. I hava a very easy time putting painful or traumatic events in the past, and moving on, but the embarrasing things stay with me forever. (Like what? Don’t ask.) When I get really depressed, I remember every stupid thing I ever did, and beat myself up for all of them, even though I know that if I mentioned them to anyone else who was there, they’d not remember them at all. I think that a lot of it has to do with the way I was raised. I was a gifted child, and everywhere I went, I had people telling me how special I was. So, in addition to having a swelled head like you wouldn’t believe, every time I made some sort of dumb mistake, everyone seemed to notice it more. Well, suffice to say that I don’t really believe I’m anything special anymore, but I don’t believe that I’m any worse than anyone else, either. I’m only human, and I’m going to screw up once in a while. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn’t, but all in all, I don’t waste nearly as much time on it as I used to. Now if I could just talk to people, I’d have it made.
An infinite number of rednecks in an infinite number of pickup trucks shooting an infinite number of shotguns at an infinite number of road signs will eventually produce all the world’s great works of literature in Braille.
After seein’ some of the incredible nonsense that people post on this board alone, it’s hard to believe that anyone even halfway normal could be embarrassed about themselves anymore.
Hell, I’m so often embarrassed for some of the folks here that I forget why I signed up in the first place.
Anyway, two thoughts – For the hard-core wallflower, yer best bet is to find something you’re really good at and run with it. It’s amazing but true that people gravitate towards talent and success, and if yer good at something you’ll find people seeking you out whether you want them to or not. Pretty soon ye’ve got as circle of real friends with similar interests, almost painlessly. This works with everything from creative writing to stamp collecting.
Also, I can’t remember where I saw this, but someone wise said that in intimidating social situations ye should just imagine that the person yer talkin’ to is in their underwear. Remember, they’re as human as you, regardless of their facade.
Dr. Watson
BTW – You only posted this thread to embarrass the guy what spelled ‘Embarrassing’ wrong in that other thread title, right?
Hey, it’s a hard word to spell! I actually looked it up in the dictionary before posting this thread just to be on the safe side.
Glad to know there are others like me. I guess my problems stem from self-esteem issues. I was picked on with a vengeance in school and had an emotionally distant family. I quickly turned into an introvert. The first time I gathered up the balls to actually ask a girl out, she literally laughed in my face. That shut me up in a hurry. Perhaps someday when I get a good job I can afford some therapy or something, 'cause nothing else seems to work.
Rilchiam - School is hell. Fellow students are emissaries of Satan (no offense to our own). I lived in school hell too, though the reasons I was singled out for torment were perhaps more subtle. All through school I rarely spoke, wrote in letters about two millimeters high, and suffered from depression so severe that suicide ws attempted and hospitalization was considered (but fortunately declined). School society is deep, deep hell, and it is total bullshit.
Just remember that everything changes once you take that huge liberating leap out the school door for the last time. Such cretins will never have such power over your life again. No, you won’t magically change to a confident person the day after graduation. And yes, there are plenty of assholes in the working and other adult worlds. All I can say is that the structure of power changes, and those who would have tormented you in such personal ways in earlier days will no longer be in a position to do so. The happiest day of my life was the day I left all that crap behind forever. And over time, free of that toxic environment, you will grow into a far freer person than you have ever been before. It takes time…but it’s sweet to look back on the journey and see how far you’ve come.
The river delights to lift us free, if only we dare let go.
This is amazing. I’ve suffered from embarrassing-moment-replay all my life; I’m really happy to know that other people have it as well (forgive me). I remember stupid trivial things (like not getting a joke, or mispronouncing a word), and torture myself with them for years. I especially go into replay mode when I’m not using all of my brain, like when I’m trying to fall asleep, or doing math problems (I go into calculator mode with part of my brain, leaving the rest of my brain to think about other things). I’ve developed little rituals to lessen the pain of these memories, like pinching myself, gouging the palms of my hands with my nails, and repeating odd phrases to myself, like “I’m dying”, or “I wish I could kill something”. It looks utterly insane typed out here. I’m certainly in no way homicidal or suicidal (believe me); I think I’m trying to lure my brain away from the EM. replays by shocking myself with terrible, unrelated thoughts, and physical pain. I’m eighteen, I’ve had the problems all my life, but they became more pronounced around age 12. I’m not shy, though, strangely enough. I’m in college, and I’m always the first to come up with comments/questions, and the first to try new things. It’s like, in most ways, I’m fearless, but I’m always calculating the exact impact of what I’m about to say, trying to decide if any embarrassing event should be the result of it. I’ve always thought this was OCD, but I never have gotten a professional opinion.
Puffington and Kiva: You can get affordable therapy, if you make enough calls and plead your case well enough. I have my sessions at a teaching hospital, for $5 a session. I accomplished this by calling mental health centers and 1-800 numbers, which got me a referral to a privately practicing psychologist, who saw me for an evaluatory session and recommended me to the teaching hospital. Kiva, since you’re in college, your school should be able to provide such an option, or at least help you network to one. Go for it; you’ll find someone willing to help you. These days, no professional wants to turn away a person who’s suffering and then see them on the news after a schoolyard shooting.
Remember, I’m pulling for you; we’re all in this together.
—Red Green
no professional wants to turn away a person who’s suffering and then see them on the news after a schoolyard shooting.
This bothers me. Just because I have some sort of disorder doesn’t mean I’m going to go out and instigate some atrocity. I could get therapy, we do have insurance, but I will not be put on the cure-all-ailments antidepressant, which is the pill of choice for OCD sufferers.