I really am kinda crazy

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Seriously, I think I’m deranged. I mean, not to the point of being unfit (although I have been seeing a therapist regularly ever since the summer before my senior year of highschool when I had severe depression issues), but definitely nuts.

Check out these threads: Explaining fetishes explaining other fetishes (post 99) embarrassing stuff

Why the hell am I saying some of that stuff about myself? :eek:

Not only that, but for a long time I would periodically try to become a regular poster, then make a complete ass of myself in a few posts, and obsess about it to the point I wasn’t willing to show my face on the board for awhile.

In fact, that’s a pattern in my life. Whenever I’m relaxed, and my mind’s not fully occupied, I start obsessing over some really embarrassing or stupid thing I’ve done, sometimes from as far back as 7 or 8 years old. The fact I have so many things to be ashamed of, at 22, is kinda scary as well.

I constantly make the same mistakes over and over, then committ myself to not letting it happen, then tell myself “this time it will be different…”

I used to spaz out at people while growing up, usually in front of a whole class. One time I went on this jag about things that was, frankly, kinda racist, and to this day I deeply regret it. But I can’t stop remembering it!

I lie about things, usually to sound cooler or more likeable to someone I don’t know too well. I played an online game back when I was depressed, and had a crew of people I regularly hang out with that thought I was a bisexual girl that had been pregnant but miscarried. I went out of my way to maintain the lie for months over the 'net. At the time though, some of those conversations felt like I was being more open and honest than ever before. :o

I also almost compulsively lie to try and get out of trouble, which never works. It always snowballs into some big network of lies that I can’t maintain and get caught. :rolleyes:

I make very frank admissions about things to people, then later wish I hadn’t, like I’m doing right now. :smack:

I cannot stand being told what to do in an authoratative manor. When my boss says “I just want you to work onyadda, yadda, yadda” in a casual tone, no problem. When another boss says “I’m your boss, and when I tell you to do something, you need to do it, not talk to me about it!” in an assertive tone, I want to throw a fit.

I talk to myself almost constantly. I don’t think I’m two people or anything, but it isn’t just thinking out loud either, I have full-on one sided conversations sometimes.

I have this bizarre need to show music, shows, etc., that I like to someone. I don’t enjoy having conversations with other fans of it nearly as much as the chance to introduce someone to it.

When I post in threads, I obsess with someone else reading it. I almost need to have someone read, and respond to my posts. I love it when people comment positively on them.

When I get into discussions and arguments, it is a rare thing for me to be able to let the other person disagree. I usually persist until the other person gives up or I’ve simply vented all the emotion I can muster on the subject.

I hate having to do anything that gets in the way of doing the things I like, and yet, most of the time I don’t ever get around to doing the stuff I really enjoy, like watching anime or playing games, because I hem and haw and can’t choose what to do. Or I spend forever surfing the 'net and playing minesweeper.

Whenever people have conversations, I often end up trying to one-up whatever it is and end up looking like a weirdo for what I contribute (If I were a criminal in a street gang, I’d be the kid who murders somebody just to try to impress all the other guys).

Phew, I just had to rant about all that. Sorry.

2

Another favorite of mine is that whenever I get balled-out for something I did wrong, or didn’t do, I get all angry and defensive, even when I now they’re completely right, but I also come very very close to crying. I don’t know why.

Sometimes, I’ll be sitting at my computer, or even out doing things, and I honestly have to focus on not going into tears. No reason, either, but even keeping up a smile so I don’t draw attention is an effort at times.

…I’ll probably keep adding things to this as I come up with them. :rolleyes:

3

I’m 48 and still occasionally get obsessive about stupid situations and things in which I didn’t do what I now wish I coulda thought to do. Situations which hang like an unfinished chord and I just can’t drop the note.

All I can say is they graduallllly get less important. And with experience fewer new ones come up to fill the gaps left by the age 7 ones dropping out.

>I lie about things, usually to sound cooler or more likeable to someone I don’t know too well. I played an online game back when I was depressed, and had a crew of people I regularly hang out with that thought I was a bisexual girl that had been pregnant but miscarried. I went out of my way to maintain the lie for months over the 'net. At the time though, some of those conversations felt like I was being more open and honest than ever before.<

Now this is really interesting. At first I felt kinda weirded out by you for this, and a bit superior to you for your being unable to tell the truth on yourself except in a lie, but then I started thinking about it, and I got kinda jealous. I think maybe this is a sign you’re a writer (or a movie maker, or whatever kind of vessel your ability to pour yourself into another person’s story prefers). Maybe being a furry was also a way to do this, with a quicker reward than the effort that writing takes. Have you tried writing/acting/whatevering? You might just be a born one, in which case I really am a little jealous.

I have a friend who’s a published writer. (Also a father, ex taxi driver, current master’s degree student in midlife, etc etc.) At one point he made up a persona for a bbs who was a pretty 18 year old girl. Being a writer, he had to live her in his head; does this sound familiar? Some girl (or other male running a girl persona) asked him if he wanted to have internet sex. He had to say, when his gonads were going Wow! Yeah! Let’s get into it!, “I don’t know. You know I’ve thought about that a couple of times, but I’m just not sure it’s me. I mean I think I’m pretty straight,” etc, because he couldn’t not answer as her; he couldn’t stop living inside her head. He told us all about it because it was both pretty funny, and because it sort of hung in his head as a dangling chord like your and my painful moments.

Sound like a mirror?

4

And H3Knuckles, she cuts up people for a living!

(I just find that so impressive)

I know a lot of people who fit what you describe. Some fit pieces, some fit everything. A cousin of mine is a psychologist and she claims that “nobody’s normal, we’re all just different shades of weird.”

Welcome to my world, I’ll be kind and let you play in it :smiley:

5

A lot of the things you have expressed are like me, and particularly the above. I will let myself go and be less edited in what I say in meetings or conversations and then feel that I’ve gone too far. I promise to myself that I won’t do that the next time, I will be on “best behavior”. But the flip side of that is I don’t get to be myself, but some boring version of how I think people should act. I have to fake it to some extent at work, but the endless variety of humans is what is so interesting.

I hate authority figures and respond a lot better to a collaborative and positive-reinforcement kind of manager.

Do you feel that these things impact your life to where you can’t function or are held back in what you really need? I do have social anxiety and obsess over these things; I am on a low level of antidepressants that take the edge off the obsession and allow me to see things more calmly. I’m not recommending them or not; they work for me but again take away the edge that is the unique me.

6

wow, I honestly didn’t expect such a positive response.

Now I need to figure out my responses to your statements. Which is to say, I need to get myself in the frame of mind to just kind of pour it out like that. I’m still unwinding from a very stressfull day with my coworker… :rolleyes:

7

Well, yes, actually. I dunno, it’s a funny thing. When I’m reading some angsty story, or on the rare occasion that a single book really grabs all my attention, I tend to hyper-focus and personalize whatever the main character is experiencing.

I’ve never really gotten into roleplay, but often times I really like to just there and play out scenes in my head imagining I’m some character I either made up, or just one from a story I really liked.

I also used to not be able to sit still and watch whole sitcoms for similar reasons. I loved Frasier, but as most of the stories involve one character or another making a fool of themselves, I couldn’t really watch it. I always feel as though I’m being the one embarrassed, and I’ll get up and leave the room, flip channels for a few minutes, or cover my ears and look away.

I’ve always wanted to be a writer. Well, no, actually I’ve always wanted to be an all-in-one content generator like George Lucas, but anyway. I’m always starting outlines for stories, or ideas for videogames, but I can never focus on one of my “projects” long enough to do anything with it.

I’m very glad you were able to understand that. It’s one of the more weird and awkward times from my life. Thank you.

8

As I said, I don’t think it’s to the point where I’d call it dysfunctional, but they do tend to make things more difficult for me than they out to be.

I absolutely have anxiety over social things, and it’s something I’ve been meaning to talk to my therapist with, though we’re still working on getting me to a point where I can keep myself on task with classes. I have longstanding self-discipline problems (read: I have no self-discipline), and it’s an uphill battle for me to keep working for my degree, even though I really want it. Especially since I was a highschool drop-out, and only have a GED.

I used to take anti-depressants, but I was weened off them after a very successfull year and a half. I’ve been told that I have a very minor chemical imbalance, and that my severe depression in highschool was mostly psychological, so the Zoloft was really just to help me along until I was able to deal with the depression on my own.

As it is, I really only have one friend, and she’s away at college most of the time. We don’t have much in common, but were great friends since 2nd grade. For a long time she used to visit my house so often her mother would jokingly call my mom “the good mother.” All my other friends and I kinda lost touch as I had a disastrous junior year, and missed 60% of my Senior year by the start of the 4th quarter. That was when I dropped out. I’ve had people that I enjoyed talking to at college, but I haven’t really made any new friends.

My current boss and I get along very well, which helps a lot at work. I had a former coworker and his wife who I was even invited to their house a few times. We got along really well, but after he left the store, neither of us kept in touch much.

I think a lot of my weird social behaviour is because I’ve always kind of been on the outside, and always wanted people’s approval. Even in public school, there was always some big ongoing thing between people in our group, and I was often left out of activities and plans. My brother is 10 years older than me, my sisters are 7 and 4 years older, and while many of them shared friends, I was always too young to be more than an extra wheel. In school I would get very jealous if two of my buddies got paired for something, and I got paired with someone I didn’t really know. At work, I’m often left to tend to customers whenever we’re doing an inventory or something big like that, and feel very petty and jealous when I see the others talking and getting all chummy while working.

In Highschool, we used to go up to the library and sit around and talk after lunch, because it was kinda quiet, and people would share notes, start on homework, etc. One day I was one of the last few to get up there, and took a chair from a nearby table where no one else was to be able to sit with my friends. When the librarian came over and scolded me to put the chair back, I did, but would turn around to talk to my friends. She then came over and scolded me again to work quietly or leave (keep in mind we weren’t being noisy). I got very upset, and emotional. I stormed off, and flipped her off when she turned around, but someone must have told her (presumably another librarian) and I got a detention.

I also tend to waffle between holding back and not being able to enjoy a social environment or relate to people, and going too far and embarrassing myself, as I may have already said. It’s another difficulty I have.

One of the more upsetting things I have is that when in unusual, awkward, or uncertain cicrumstances, I tend to have bizarre, innappropriate thoughts fill my head. I am honestly almost scared to admit to some of the following. [SPOILER]When handling one of my cats to give him an insulin injection (he’s diabetic), there’s a certain way to hold him where he won’t even try to resist, sorta like a headlock. I often think of those spy movies where they break someones neck by twisting their head while doing this. I worry, as I’m holding him, “what if I go psycho and do it to him?”

When squeezing past my male coworkers to get out from behind the register, I’ll think about grabbing their ass or some other highly innappropriate action, even though I don’t find them attractive.

While waiting to pick up my dad from his latest business trip at the train station tonight, his train was late. I kept worrying that he had somehow died, and now what would me and mom do without his support?

When handling knives or other potentially dangerous implements, I sometimes have such vivid thoughts about accidentally or intentionally harming myself with them that I need to put them down and walk away.[/SPOILER]

Man, in it’s own bizarre way, this feels really good to just unload so much of my neuroses openly like this.

PS. for the record, I have been told by 3 separate therapists that while the only truly diagnosable condition I have is depression, I come very close for both ADHD and OCD. But all 3 felt I didn’t exhibit enough of these to legitimately require treatment for them.

9

Oy, I made 3 new posts immediately above this one. Just so no one misses any responses I made.

Once again, I’d like to thank gabriela, Nava, and gigi for how nice the 3 responses to this thread were. I really didn’t know what to expect, but kinda just wanted to say a bunch of stuff.

I didn’t intend for this to be a “get out of jail free” card or anything, but I partly wanted to make the thread so dopers could get why I may act so strangely or seem to way overreact at times. :rolleyes:

10

IANA counselor, I can only comment from my own experience and the things I see in what you are saying.

All the things in the spoilers are variations on things I have thought, and I know that a friend of mine too obsesses about sexually inappropriate things at work. He is petrified that he will stare at his coworkers’ crotches and then of course alienate them.

The common theme seems to be that you imagine the unimaginable, and think that it would happen out of your control, that you would involuntarily do something that is a taboo to you. Or that the worst will happen without your control. That there are distasters waiting and you can’t control them. I can’t swear that the worst won’t happen, but you do have checks in your own behavior that will probably keep these things from becoming reality. I sympathize though because I know how powerful thoughts and fears can be.

Again, the question is do these thoughts overpower you to the point where you cannot function, or can you see what they are and move on? If you haven’t been able to tell your therapist, do; they have heard everything before (you can’t shock them) and as you say it is a relief to express it. Perhaps they can give you tools to handle what I call “the bad thoughts” and function more comfortably.

And I have to echo what Nava said, in that we’ve all got issues, just different ones! You’ll find the full range on this board, which is part of why I feel comfortable here.

And good on you for working on your issues, furthering your education and being employed. You sound stronger than you give yourself credit for.

As far as not having friends, or feeling socially inept, part of that is practice. Honestly. I grew up in a socially isolated home and as a young adult (after making a lot of mistakes) started to observe what other people did interpersonally that I admired. It doesn’t mean that I am not me, it just means that I can express myself in ways that fit in with the overall pattern of the group behavior. Not that I am a social butterfly or anything; small talk still eludes me but I find if you create an opening for the other person to talk they will enjoy that!!

It may not be your priority right now with everything else you’re up to; give yourself a break!

11

You’re far from normal I suspect. The difference is that other people aren’t nearly as open about being nuts. :stuck_out_tongue: I’ve thought the cat thing if it’s any help (not seriously, of course); I think it’s more of a reflection on the fact that life is very fragile and being a little scared about living up to the absolute trust they confer in their far-more-powerful owners.

Seriously, the SDMB has helped me find out that I’m far from alone in many things I considered quite abnormal or unusual about myself; now I believe that many people are experiencing the very same things. For example, there are moments soon after sleeping where I’ll find myself in a dream state, doing something rhythmic, usually in the form of jogging on the treadmill. Then I’ll suddenly have a very unpleasant fall and wake up with a big startle. Seems like it happens to just about everyone.

12

H3Knuckles and Nava, those “awful thougths” are actually a well known and very healthy psychological mechanism that everybody should have to a degree.
Thoughts like breaking a loved ones neck by holding her too close, or grabbing the co-worker, or pulling the emergency-break on the train (my own favourite obsession as a kid!) or, the most common one, stepping juuust a little to close to the edge when the subway passes by on top-speed.

Situations like these arise in situations where it would indeed be very easy to do considerable damage. The subconscious notices that, and wants to warn us. It does so by playing a short film in your head of what would happen if you *did *kill the cat or grab the co-worker. The normal and healthy reaction is that that movie fills you wit strong negative emotions, like fear or disgust. The result of those feelings, in turn, is that a normal person is extra cautious not to make the mistake he has just been so vividly warned against.

Normal people forget that little movie as soon as the situation to wreak havoc has passed by, so as soon as they have let the cat loose or when they are no longer standing close to the co-worker.

The problems start when people start beating themselves up for those thoughts, and feel that it is somehow abnormal to have them. As a consequence, they’ll try to suppress thougts like those, usually to strong adverse effects. Think of the famous psychological experiment in which people were asked NOT to think of a rhinoceros for five minutes. The more there was at stake in the experiment, the more rhinoceroses tumbled through the subjects’ minds.

So, I hate to say it, but your’re both completely normal. :slight_smile:

13

H3Knuckles, I DO have both OCD and ADHD and those “intrusive thoughts” are perfectly normal-and not just those of us with mental illnesses get them! They are indeed disturbing and somewhat scary, but once you realize they’re perfectly common to everyone, much easier to deal with.

14

Profile Signatures

H3Knuckles, please edit your signature accordingly.

Thanks.

Cajun Man
for the SDMB

15

Thanks very much for spelling this out.

16

As far as I can tell, H3Knuckles, there’s nothing in your head that’s that abnormal. Everyone has those flashes of disasters, everyone says things they later regret, and everyone has that filmstrip in the back of their brains that plays out every idiot thing they have done since birth that your mind has lovingly archived, to preserve for all eternity. You may be pathological in the strictest sense that psychiatrists use, in that these things bother you and you seem to want them to stop, but you don’t seem paranoid schizophrenic or any of those lovely other things that disconnect you from reality when they come on strong. You just… worry a lot.

So, keep going to someone to talk about it if it makes you feel like you’re doing something to improve yourself. If you have a diagnosis for depression already, start from there; reading first-person accounts from other people who have had depression might help you put some of the intrusive thoughts in perspective, and over time might help you pick them apart so they’ll go away. Since your main complaint seems to be that this stuff makes you feel uncomfortable in your own skin, then your main goal is to either change the way you think, or change the way you think about your thinking, so that you feel functional again.

YMMV, and all that. I have a depression problem myself, and I can only really advise about what helps for me. One thing that people consistently tell me, though, is that when I hit a fugue I worry about ordinary things far out of proportion to what they actually deserve.

17

Oops. :smack: Forgot about the limit. Does this shorten it enough, or is it still too long? I have a widescreen monitor, and on mine the text fits in four lines, but I don’t know whether word-wrap will knock it onto a fifth for a normal screen.

18

Once again, big thanks for the positive responses! :slight_smile:

Well, okay then. I guess I’m not as crazy as I thought. :smiley:
Good to know the bizarre and creepy thoughts aren’t abnormal, and that it’s not uncommon for people to fixate on embarrassing past moments. (wishes there was an emote for “breathing a sigh of relief”)

Umm… I can’t think of anything else to say at the moment, except that I really enjoyed reading your responses everyone!

19

Works for me.

Thanks for your cooperation.

Cajun Man
for the SDMB

20

What about taking your intrusive thoughts, and making them into short-short stories? Like, half a page long, and have the character DO it, and come up with an ending. If having the character do it scares you then the character can be punished. If that doesn’t work then mad fantasy. Then you can post them on the Straight Dope.

Bet they would have a lot of punch.

I’ve felt the knife one as well, and you didn’t mention one of my common ones where I’m driving fast and I see a parked car and I think how easy it would be to turn the wheel and smash into it.

Good luck to you. Never forget the bumper sticker that says, “Normal people are just people you don’t know very well.”