If you are like most people, you have a noticeable degree of concern about being sufficiently normal to avoid the stares, comments, judgment or other disapproval that might be heaped upon you by people you do not know if you did something, said something, or looked some way that a fair number of people would be likely to disapprove of.
My question is simple, yet I’m guessing you’ve probably never thought about it: why?
I’m sincere.
Second, related question: are you also sensitive to the potential for embarrassment by the appearance, speech or behavior of people you are with? If so, why?
Very good question. For instance when I catch my heel on the back of my coat when exiting the bus and somersault down the stairs, landing flat on my back in the snow, my inclination is to jump to my feet very quickly in the hopes that no one saw me. Why? So they won’t think I’m a klutz. But, obviously, I AM a klutz. I’ve even accepted it. In theory, I don’t care.
In instances like this (Dear Internet, we are anonymous here so I can say, there are actually a lot of them), I think my reptile brain takes over and regresses to the days when humans were predators. It’s not good for predators to reveal their weaknesses. Maybe that’s it? I mean, I have wondered.
The other thing is that most of us strive to look normal and to look as if we fit in. We adopt the clothing and mannerisms of our tribe, so they can recognize us. If we don’t fit in, and they point and laugh, then we failed. They probably won’t shoot us, but they might kick us out of the tribe.
On being embarrassed by the people you’re with–I wouldn’t say I’m sensitive to the potential, but I have been embarrassed by the people I was with. If they’re acting like assholes, then I am guilty of picking friends who act like assholes. If they’re my children, then I’m a bad parent. Although I have probably embarrassed my children more than they have embarrassed me. (See paragraph 1.)
It’s mostly social pressure not to draw attention to oneself. Obviously not everyone experiences this.
Just the other night I was out drinking and one random guy in our group made an unholy fuss after the waitress accidentally knocked over a glass. He got some Long Island Ice Tea on his pants, which isn’t pleasant, I imagine, but he would not let it go. He responded to the waitress’s apologies with things like, “It’s NOT OKAY” and “You’d BETTER BE SORRY.” After the whole mess was cleaned up and everyone had moved on, he jumped up, stalked over to the bar and continued to give the girl shit. I was paralyzed with embarrassment at his complete lack of grace. I don’t know why - I’d never even met him until that night.
Upon reflection, I get embarrassed for fictional TV characters as well, to the point where I have to leave the room. Maybe it’s a cultural thing.
I grew up with very gregarious parents, so have never felt shy around large groups of people. For instance, it was not uncommon for well over 100 people to stop by our house on Christmas Day, and we kids were told to put all toys away except for one while company was over at the house. We were also expected to greet and say hello to everyone and behave.
My parents would also take us to nice restaurants, and teach us how to order correctly, and sit quietly during dinner.
For that reason, I have zero tolerance of obnoxious children to this day.
Our neighbors throw huge parties several times a year - and their three kids are like we were - very gracious and have manners, and are not at all shy about speaking with adults. Wish more people would teach their kids how to interact with people at an early age.
I am seldom in a position where a friend makes an ass of themselves, but on those few occasions where they are an embarrassment, I will either disappear or tell them to shut up. To be honest, there are a few people I know that I would never go out with in public, for that very reason.
This is not to say that I have never said something stupid, or regretted something I have done - but it is not a habit nor something that causes me to hide in the background.
I’ve thought about embarassment a lot, since I’m in an almost-constant state of embarassment when outside the house. I credit it to my highly sensitive and perfectionist personality, coupled with a fucked up upbringing, where I never felt accepted or loved but was criticized regularly, instead. All this gelled with a number of real-life instances in my teens, where a group of peers would notice something wrong with me and do stuff like form a circle around me chanting: “ugly, ugly, ugly”.
When I’m out in the open, I feel constant pressure to not mess up in any way, no matter how small. I can feel the looks boring through me in anticipation, and people thinking to themselves, if not proclaiming: “that dude is not acceptable. He’s just not good enough.”
I’m a control freak and inherently manipulative, and as such like to project a deliberate image. If people think less of me–take me less seriously than I want them to, assume I am less intelligent than I am, dislike being around me because I make them uncomfortable, discount me in some way–then it’s that much harder to get them to do what I want. And I hate feeling like I can’t get people to do what I want. (I do try to use my powers for good. I mean, I don’t want people to invade the Rhineland. Generally it’s things like “offer me a place on X committee” or “leave me alone because I clearly know what I am doing and am way more competent than average”).
This.
Embarrassment affects me so much that I couldn’t even watch my worst enemy humiliate themselves.
I don’t claim that it makes sense, I just appear wired that way. I can only describe it as like the “nails across chalkboard” sensation, if that’s one that the OP gets.
In my adult life I particularly overreact to embarrassing situations because I know that they will sit with me forever. So it’s not even about the feeling at the time any more – I go into a damage-control “I must not feel bad about this in retrospect” mode.
I have the same problem, and I’ve never figured out why. Mijin - yes, for me it’s also like nails on a chalkboard. Makes me incredibly uncomfortable.
Also, if I think about a time when I did something stupid, I get horribly embarrassed all over again even though it’s all in my head and nobody else in the world is likely to even remember the original incident.
I am very, very conscious of when people I’m with are calling attention to themselves (and therefore to me). I like to blend in and hide and not be noticed, so when someone’s talking to me very loudly on the bus, or gesticulating wildly, or arguing with a waitress, I want to be a turtle so I can pop into my shell for a bit. I have no idea what the actual psychology is, and why this is the case. But my instinct is OMG I need to not be here right now.
Let me turn it around to the OP. Do you not feel embarrassment, can you not relate?
In the modern world, not being embarrass-able would be quite an asset, at least some of the time.
For example, I’m single right now. I know if I could just approach lots of women, and be cool with sometimes saying the wrong thing, or being told to get lost, I would probably not be single for very long (this is not to imply I would date any woman; I mean I’d build up a certain confidence and experience just from making approaches like that).
But I can’t do that. Even while typing this I have recalled times where the above things have happened and it made me twinge (now, as I’m recalling them)
I’m pretty hard to embarass. I can’t really say if its innate or more of a philosophical pose I’ve developed over the years, but I lean toward innate. Most of the situations where people get embarassed (like if I trip awkwardly in front of everyone or I mess up a speech) I either just don’t care that I looked klutzy for a minute, or my feelings are more inward directed, like “I didn’t do a good job like I wanted to, I didn’t practice enough” not “OMG everyone is judging me and thinks I’m stupid.” If that makes sense.
A few years ago me and my now-husband met my childhood friend and her husband for dinner. When I went to the bathroom he asked her for the most embarassing story she could remember about me (she has known me since I was 10 and knows where allll the bodies are buried). She said, “I can’t think of a thing I could tell you that would embarass H_A.” Not because I haven’t done boneheaded, ridiculous things in my day, I just don’t don’t get embarassed for other people to know about them.
Respect is an important personal quality that must be earned, and is easy to squander.
If I were to behave foolishly in public, even by accident (I’m not talking about slipping and falling on my ass, more like yelling at shop clerks or something like that) I would suspect that others would lose respect for me. Therefore, I would be embarrassed by acting like a fool, because of the shame of showing myself to be someone who isn’t worthy of respect.
Same goes for people with me. If my friend acts boorishly, it can be embarrassing to me that people may paint us with the same brush even if I think he is being a complete tool.
To turn it around even further, I enjoy not staring at people who go out in public hoping their appearance will attract attention. “Look at me! I’ve got purple hair, multiple facial piercings and these really really funky clothes. PAY ATTENTION TO ME!!!”
I didn’t want to control the way people answered, so I was deliberately vague and wide in the OP, but when I wrote it I was thinking more about the things people would choose for themselves if not for fear of judgment, although extending it to mistakes and screwups applies as well.
The answer is no, I don’t embarrass easily, which, as you guess, I consider an asset. It allows me to live more genuinely and I am very attached to a genuine life.
And here’s a tip for the people who feel run by their fear of embarrassment in front of strangers: those people have done nothing to earn your respect, because you don’t know anything about them- they are strangers. Therefore their opinions are completely meaningless. For all you know they may be cruel, stupid, ignorant, selfish, nasty people that you would reject entirely if you did know them. So why in the world would you ever let their empty, meaningless opinions of you touch you in any way at all? Why would you let them steal from you like that?
Hilarity: very interesting! Never thought about it that way.
Because someday you may need something from them. Perhaps nothing you couldn’t get some other way, but I find my life is vastly simplified when the people around me take me very seriously. This doesn’t mean I can’t be funny–I like to think I’m a very funny person–but I am dignified.
The people I know who lack this presence, this conscious shaping of how they are perceived, have a lot less luck than I do manipulating circumstances and getting the things they want. They are more often dismissed out of hand or overlooked. It may well be worth the trade-off for them, but there’s no denying that the trade-off is there.
As a not easily embarassed chimer-inner, this strikes me as non-responsive. You’re talking about people you know, even passingly. Stoid is asking about strangers – why so many people care about the opinion of people they will never ever see again, so much so that their opinions (actually, their imagined opinions) produce almost crippling anxiety?
How often are you truly surrounded by strangers? 95% of my life I’m either alone or with people I know. The places where people get embarrassed–at work, at parties, at family gatherings, at the movies, at the mall, at the grocery store–these are places where you are almost always with people you know, even if it’s just the clerk that will be checking out your groceries for the next few years.
In my view, how someone treats strangers reflects just as strongly upon one’s character as does how he treats his friends. I think people are still obligated to be civil and respectful no matter who they are dealing with, and that means not treating strangers as non-people.
For example, it is always pleasant for me to go to Japan, where people may not be warm and outgoing toward strangers, but they are polite, deferential, and oten helpful. It contrasts quite a bit with the attitude that is becoming more pervasive in the US, which is more along the line of, “If I don’t know you, I don’t owe you anything.”
This doesn’t really conflict with my point, unless you think you owe it to others to modify your behavior in a way that disagrees with your own values, in which case-we disagree.
I am not “treating” anyone any way at all by being myself and doing what I like to please myself as long as none of that includes actively intruding on other people’s rights. (i.e. talking out loud at a movie. That’s direclty intruding on other people’s right to enjoy the movie. )
