One of the nice things about getting older (and I’m not that old, but comparing to my teen years it’s a dramatic leap forward) is that I get embarrassed much less easily. I’m more comfortable with myself so even if I get the occasional weird and judgmental looks I really don’t give a shit. I think it has something to do with conviction that your behavior is “appropriate”. We tend to take cues from the reactions of others, and if they are reacting with shock and horror then it may be a sign that we’re doing something inappropriate or unacceptable. If you’re completely convinced there’s nothing wrong with what you’re doing, then you won’t feel embarrassed.
If you feel embarrassed because you made some kind of mistake and you’re feeling humiliated, that’s more of an ego thing. You believe (rightly or wrongly) that you are now less esteemed in the eyes of others because of that mistake. Again, maturity and self-confidence help with simply not caring about that (and also realizing that in most cases it’s probably small enough that they really don’t care either). Of course you can extend this not just to yourself but those around you, since the people you choose to associate with you reflect on your own character.
Actually, I have thought about it and the answer is simple. When I was young, I was fat, clumsy, used language as a weapon, and moved around a lot, so I was always the new kid in school. In short, I was the stereotypical target for teasing and bullying. Being normal – better yet, being invisible – was a way to avoid being singled out for ridicule.
First, disclaimer: I’m not normal, I do get the stares, comments, judgment etc along with some clinical labels; being non-normal is a self-assessment as well as a received one.
But, having said that, it’s just a matter of degree. Like everyone else, I still have some concern about these things. Why? Because I’m dependent on other human beings. I need them, by and large, to think they can predict my behavior much as they can predict the behavior of other folks. When I become a factor they can’t predict, I am perceived as dangerous. They, meanwhile, become dangerous to me.
I’m somewhat more inclined (by some significant but not huge percent) to care vastly more strongly for the understanding and opinions of a relatively few people while perhaps even enjoying, to some perverse degree, being altercast as outsider, weird person, non-normal person by the multitudes of strangers and everyday folks, coworkers, neighbors, people I end up sharing elevators with, etc. Does this answer address your curiosity?
Again, probably less so than most people but yeah, somewhat. If I care about the opinions of the folks looking on (even potentially — projecting into their midst a hypothetical person whose opinions could matter to me) and the person I am with does something I think is wrong, even “small-wrong” like insensitive around some sensitive area, I can find my appearance of being complicit in that to be embarrassing. Sometimes it can take the form “Please don’t think ill of my companion, my companion is good people”, other times it can take the form “Umm, I’m not really with this person on that sentiment, please don’t think ill of ME”.
Very much understood. But interestingly, I was also a target for ridicule. When I was very young it was for being freakishly tall (I reached my adult height of 5’8" when I was 11 years old, and I was way ahead of my peers in gaining height throughout the years prior. (For instance, in this picture I am the shorter of the two white girls on the left - the taller one is my sister. I am 8, she is 14 - she was short, only 5’2, but I was very tall- probably 4’10 or more, since she was likely in heels. The average 8 year old girl is 3’9", making me about a foot taller than average- pretty significant at that age)
Then it became about being tall and smart. Then tall, smart and fat. Then tall, smart, fat and weird.
So perhaps I learned to handle judgment by being subjected to so much of it. Or perhaps I was just made like that, I can’t remember well enough. But I know that if I could go back and change it, I wouldn’t. ( Maybe the fat part, or I would change the fact that it became a lifelong struggle that damaged my body - but the effects it had on my internal and social development I view very positively.)
You want to fit in, you don’t want to be picked on, you want to avoid a social faux pas, etc. All of these answers really boil down to natural selection. Every society has its norms and what might be considered embarassing behavior in one society may be the norm in another. If we wish to survive and be considered productive and even reproduce in our society, we pretty much have to meet the social norm. The only good way to seperate yourself from society is to do so by means of [perceived] superiority (e.g. be the fastest man alive). To seperate yourself by [perceived] inferiority (e.g. clumsiness) causes embarrassment as a defense mechanism so that you feel as though you should avoid this social seperation.
With most of my friends, that guy would probably find himself very embarassed as the rest of us ridiculed him mercilessly the entire night for being an ass. It would have started as soon as he ordered a Long Island Ice Tea.
I’ve often wondered if the reason I’ll turn away from an extremely powerful emotional scene of a character’s humiliation in a film is because I see so much of myself in the character who ‘did it wrong’. And while I’d never be that hard on anyone else making a mistake, I’ll turn away because inside I’m yelling at myself for all the times I ‘got it wrong’ in my own life. (As a sight hijack, I have to give credit where its due: to be that real must take one Hell of a fine performance through combined efforts of the actor, the director, the writer and the cinematographer. At least I think its the cinematographer. Isn’t it the cinematographer the Einstein who says 'do this shot at 5 feet 6 inches distance instead of 4 feet or 8 feet? Darned if she isn’t always right. )
Its oddly funny how easily I’ll forgive other people while almost never giving myself a break or letting myself off of a hook. But its on my ToDo list. And I know that I have more issues than Time & Newsweek combined (sometimes that even makes me smile too). If I’m the first to admit I’m odd, quirky, and very different from the average daily commuter, then how can I truly be hurt by the judgment of others?
I went through 2/3 of this also, and I don’t have a clue how I ended up the way I am. I do know that I’m very different in good ways, too, and that when I focus on that fact, I find I’m through to the other side of even the worst of bad moments in a heartbeat, and usually with a smile.
Here is my theory to explain embarassment. I have no cites, I just made this up two seconds ago.
We are innately driven to seek status because this allows us to attract more desirable mates. For example, most females* will chose a high status male if all other variables are equal. Imagine two suitors with very similar age, looks, and personality. One is a CEO and the other flips burgers at McDonalds. The female will probably chose the CEO who has more status since he will most likely be a better provider for her and the children they may someday have.
Embarasment is an innate emotional reaction to protect us from loss of status. We feel it when we think others are disapproving or looking down on us. We have this innate reaction because being seen as foolish or ridiculous makes us undesirable to potential mates.
The problem with embarassment is that it isn’t finely tuned. It doesn’t distinguish between falling down in front of strangers you will never see again and making a fool of yourself in front of people you care about. The emotional reaction kicks in automatically regardless of the social context.
** Sorry ladies, I know you appreciate poets and starving artists. I don’t have time to come up with a better example now.
*
Absolutely; it’s yet another human behaviour that was evolved for a purpose that isn’t that useful any more.
(It still serves a purpose, because if every human suddenly couldn’t be embarrassed, the results probably wouldn’t be pretty. But in individuals like me it’s much more of a hinderance than an asset.)
I really hate attention. So anything, good (looking extra-hot, showing off my awesome singing voice*) or bad (having a screaming fight in public*, walking around looking like a bag-lady), that draws more from other people is something I avoid.
If I could have any super-power - it would be invisibility. That said, I no longer have social anxiety, and I don’t tend to notice other people’s reactions to me very much when I’m out in public. I’m usually lost in my own thoughts.
*never done these two things - learned my lesson with the other two
I have social anxiety and I just don’t like to be noticed. Ever. I don’t want to do ANYTHING to draw attention to myself. Unless it’s Halloween, in which case I’ll put on a costume… but only so I won’t stand out for not having one. I overmonitor myself and my perception of how others perceive me, and have a very negative view of how people view me before I’ve even been viewed, so I am not typical.
I also don’t want to be seen as taking advantage. As I work in insurance claims, I take a LOT of exaggerated or fraudulent claims. A LOT! I don’t want to be seen that way. One time I legitimately slipped on ice outside a gas station because they hadn’t shoveled or salted and the mat wasn’t non-slip (it was a glorified ice slick), but I just left instead of telling anyone about it. Whereas some folks would try to get some money out of the company. I would rather spend 10 minutes taking baby steps across an icy parking lot than be seen to slip and fall. etc
I am also VERY sensitive when it comes to being around an embarrassing person. My prime example of this is my mother. She chats up strangers all the time, and if we’re shopping together, it’s so embarrassing for me to hear her talk that I literally have to leave the aisle. I mean, I’ve worked in retail. I know what it’s like to run the cash register and have some biddy wax on and on about something mundane and have to pretend to be interested (or argue about a 15 cent discrepancy on every other item that’s scanned). I much preferred the quiet trouble-free customers, so that is what I aim to be.
I cannot watch humiliation comedies either. Or listen to people being humiliated on the radio. I am just so fking sensitive to it. I am generally a very avoidant, quiet, and private person, and I don’t know that I can or should do anything about it. I just is what I is.
Heh! I like to find and compliment them on the one perfectly ordinary thing they forgot to wierdify: “Is that a bic clear body classic ballpoint? Those are SO cool…as long as they don’t have teeth marks in them.”
The best was when I ran across a whole busload of them trying to leech a wifi signal. I steered them to a nearby library with free wifi…“But watch out for the wierdos”
I think people underestimate how social humans are, and how dependent we are on the social unit for survival. Someone deemed pathetic, vulgar or repulsive will not be someone everyone else jumps up to help if a predator is coming, or if they are starving and need food, or if they need any other kind of help.
So I tend to think of it that way. I am losing social value and on some primal, subconscious level I realize that means I will be abandoned by the group more easily when I need help.
I was watching a documentary about solitary confinement and one issue was that in solitary both humans and other animals become paranoid. The explanation was that this may not be an illness, but more of a coping strategy. Someone in solitary is going to be alienated from others, and others aren’t going to protect or help him. So elevated paranoia may be a survival coping skill. Someone who feels loved, appreciated, protected and wanted doesn’t need to be paranoid since tons of people have their back. Someone who feels forgotten, rejected and isolated does.
As to the second part, no not really. If anything I like being around people who are somewhat embarassing. I find it endearing for a variety of reasons. I am personally deeply sensitive to rejection and embarassment, but somewhat prefer it as a trait of people in my company.
I think pervasive embarrassment is a form of perfectionism. A couple people have described it as never forgiving themselves for anything – or a mental leap from “I made a mistake/I am less than perfect” to “I am pathetic and repulsive.”
I am (maybe unlike Stoid I’m not sure) an extremely outgoing and social person. I just want to make that point, that just because I am very hard to embarass, does not mean I am not a person with normal-to-high social needs. I don’t think the two are directly connected. Embarrassment is about your relationship with you, and to the extent that it involves others, its based on projection or selectively valuing the opinions of assholes over those of non-assholes.
I tend to agree with you. Also, some forms of shyness and social anxiety are actually extremely elevated self-importance. Basically an “everyone is looking at me because I’m just that important” idea rather than reality which is “most people are doing their own thing and don’t care and won’t notice if you’re imperfect.”
For some reason my mom didn’t seem to understand how the young folks dressed, when I was about 12 or 13. She had an excellent fashion sense, but didn’t understand the ‘uniform’ of jeans and t-shirts. (Kept calling them ‘dungarees’, like she wore after WWII !)… We went to visit relatives in a resort town and I was taken around by my 13 year old cousin and her friends, all of them in jeans, shorts, and t-shirts. What was I wearing? A fashion find, courtesy of mom - a brown paisley cotton peasant dress with smocking and a dirndl skirt. :o Looked a sight, I did, I was so humiliated I could hardly say two words. (Cute dress, but out of place!)… Later that year, we went to Florida in the winter. What was I wearing on the plane, and after in the airport, at a restaurant, and checking into the hotel (several endless hours!), amongst all the long-haired hippies with their backpacks and bell bottom jeans and Indian sandals? A mint green polyester track suit! (Wear this! commanded mom, it’s winter here, you’ll be warm, it’s comfortable to wear on the plane - oh, shut up, you can change when we get there!) Proper dork, I looked. And felt. (went real well with my cats-eye sparkly pink eyeglasses.) Never so glad to be totally anonymous!..My own daughter, after a brief Goth period, went all through school wearing jeans and the drabbest, plainest black, gray, and brown tops. Trying to avoid notice. Two of her friends wore their coats in all but the very hottest weather, which puzzled Mr. Sali. Had to explain they were at the age where they kind of wanted to hide from the gaze of the world, and hopefully it was just a phase.
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