Is it me? It's me, isn't it?

The BBQ Pit
1

You know, I’m a good-natured guy. A few friendly barbs, with enough wit for humor - rolls off me like water on a duck. I can dish it out and take it as in equal parts. I’m gay, for goodness’ sake - incisive reparte is on the entrance exam. I look up to smart-asses like Bette Midler, Mae West and Margaret Cho. I assume everyone’s just trying to be funny, have a good time, and I’m willing to be the butt of a few jokes if it gets a laugh. I’m keenly aware of my faults, quirks and mannerisms, and I’ll be the first to make fun of myself, so including someone in the joke is one way for me to make someone feel comfortable with me. My small group of friends, with whom I have been friends for nigh on sixteen years, has made a plethora of memories over mocking each other over our foibles (some even recorded to audiotape and distributed as welcome Christmas gifts). It’s a good thing - keeps us grounded, nobody gets an ego, and we learn how to put up with less important crap dealt to us in our regular lives, and not by people who we consider family. Deep down, I know we all care, we all love, and I can count on them for anything, at any time, and, in general, people who throw a few gibes my way mean it in a friendly, “just kiddin’ with ya” way. No worries, no problem.

But why, oh why is it that lately when I meet new people, people who don’t know me from Adam, people meeting me for the first time, naturally fall into that same rhythm without provocation? I once asked someone why this was so, and he said, “Because you let them.” Is that it? Is it because I’m too good-natured and they know they can get away with it? Am I that easy of a target, my faults equipped with large red buttons that read “push me,” my heart on my sleeve glowing with an appropriate attention-grabbing aura? Is it because I don’t snap at them at their first barb and tell them to knock it off? Or is it because people are inherently evil and/or have this need to overcompensate for their own faults by ribbing me for mine?

I mean, sheesh, give me a break - I’ve met you for less than an hour and you’re already making fun of me. It doesn’t bother me so much that I don’t understand your intent is just to be humorous, or that I’ll never speak to you again, or that I don’t realize you’re a decent person, but WTF? Just because you think you can, or you are allowed to, you do? :confused:

Makes me want to stop socializing with people.

(NOTE: I realize this is like declaring open season on the Gay Guy, but I’m really just venting - but if you absolutely feel the need to take pot shots, you’ll get what you dish out in spades. Fair warning. If, however, you have some constructive criticism for me, I’m willing to hear you out, but this isn’t intended to be a debate.)

Esprix

2

Hmmm-

It could be that you’ve begun to radiate friendliness and comfort to such a high degree that complete strangers feel like they’ve known you for years. They immediately shift to behavior appropriate for old friends.

It's simply an extension of the more common phenomenon of it feeling like friday when it's actually monday.

You can either attempt to go back to the life of an ordinary human.

OR
You can begin speaking like one of the Shaolin monks of Kung Fu or one of the Vorlons of Babylon 5 and dispensing guidance to strangers, having shy animals approach you, taming fierce animals with a look, walking unscathed through a Pennsic battle while blindfolded.

3

I dinna think it’s just you, dude.

Cuz it’s at least me, too. I figure it’s because my body-weight sticks at around 110lbs, and people figure it’s relatively safe. May be the reason for you too, hon, judging from that pic on your webpage.

Oh, god, now I’m doing it. Maybe you really do put off some sort of subliminal “tease me” radiation. :smiley:

4

We’ve never actually met, so I don’t know this, but maybe you have a kind of happy-go-lucky, don’t-take-things-seriously vibe? You know, maybe they don’t mean to be rude, but they figure you can laugh at yourself, and make jokes at your expense, trusting you’ll find them funny?

5

Maybe it is because the new people you meet see you and your established friends interacting that way, and don’t understand about the “old established” part.

That sort of thing can be off-putting from a relative stranger, no doubt about it.

How do you react when it happens?

Regards,
Shodan

6

Happens to me constantly. I definitely hear where you’re coming from on this.

I, too, have a select group of guy and girlfriends that do this all the time to each other. Like you and your pals, it’s cool with us and we just about read each others’ minds anyway, and can easily laugh it off.

But let me meet one new person, and within twenty seconds I’m the butt of their jokes. With guys it comes off as hateful and insulting (and I’m pretty sure they don’t mean it that way) and with women, it comes off as downright bitchy. They probably don’t mean it that way, either…but Christ…give it a rest, Total Strangers!

At least get to know me for a couple of months before strapping on the “your ass reminds me of warm jello in those pants HARHARHAR!” rib-ticklers. :frowning:

I’ve been told that “I look like the type that loves a cut-up”, whatever the hell that means. It doesn’t mean I want to be the poster child for mockery, though.

It definitely ain’t just you, Esprix, but I’ll never understand why it happens. To either of us.

7

I am wondering if you are not carrying an air of self-deprecation that screams out to other folks to join in? I’m told I do it too and I suspect I carry it as an out for those who would otherwise be scared of my fat ugly dyke with a crew cut (stereotypes have to start somewhere ;)) self. I also am prone to silly smirks and raised eyebrows and a twinking eye and I do say silly things, often against myself before I even realise I am speaking. Do you respect you Esprix? If you don’t people will know that and will jump in and join you.

I don’t mind other folks sharing in the joke that is me at all, I think I turn it into a fine performance art but if you don’t like it then stop, think about what you are presenting, whether you are carrying yourself with the dignity of Lawrence Olivier or the humour of Lucy Ball. Lucy gets laughs, Larry respect.

8

Olivier-- He held his head high even when he was engaged in projectile-vomiting.

9

Are you by any chance meeting these new acquaintances through old friends? Because I quite often find the same thing happening in that situation - there’s presumption that the intimacy which exists between myself and my established friend somehow extends to include the newcomer.

My reaction to such over-stepping of boundaries usually starts of frosty and escalates to hostile fairly rapidly. It has been known to escalate as far as a very loud “and how the fuck would you know ANYTHING about me?”, immediately followed by a stinging rebuke to the “friend” who has stood by and watched the behaviour.

Only you can decide whether you’re prepared to tolerate overfamiliarity from newcomers to your life, or whether you’re prepared to risk losing their potential friendship by imposing boundaries.

In my experience, people tend to be at their BEST when you first meet them - so anyone who is insensitive enough to be overfamiliar on their first encounter with you is probably not going to suddenly develop sensitivity further down the track and be someone on whom you can truly rely in the future.

I wish I had some smart Noel Coward line I could drag out for you to use at such moments (I’m sure there are many). For now though, I’ll just wish you luck in finding a solution with which you’re comfortable.

10

I think reprise has hit the proverbial nail upon the head!

In my case, it does tend to happen much more with people who are introduced to me via old friends. [sub][sup]God only knows what those harpies have told them![/sub][/sup]

Perhaps this is what our “problem” is, Esprix. We just need to tell our old friends to stop building us up to be such witty, snarky people.

That or start whipping the crap out both groups. Whichever.

11

The word for that is “pickable.”

Esprix, I’m one of those, too…I meet someone, and immediately they start giving me a hard time. My reaction to it depends on two things: the vibe I get off of them, and my mood. If both are positive, the banter begins, with an implied agreement that it’s not personal, it’s just…wit-testing.
But if both are negative, I respond with a withering remark and walk away.

Bottom line is, if you feel uncomfortable with that level of familiarity, then say something about it–your method is up to you, whether you want to be a bitch or you want to be Ann Landers (maysherestinpeace). But if you let it slide, it’ll keep happening.

Of course, it’ll keep happening anyway, just not with the same people over an over.

12

Hey Esprix, your ass looks like warm Jello in those pants!

d&r

13

Ann Landers? Surely you mistyped “Miss Manners.” Surely. :wink:

Esprix

14

See? See?? I rest my case!

[sub]::withering glare toward essvee’s smoke trail…::[/sub]

15

I don’t know.

I’ve met you once (albeit briefly) and didn’t feel the need to start in the mocking. I don’t even recall that you did it that much. You were certainly animated, but I don’t recall it being in a self-deprecating way.

I didn’t feel the need to do it. But then, maybe that’s just my style. Curious.

16

I did not.* And stop calling me Shirley.

[sub]*Ann also prreferred an excessively polite attitude towards rudeness.[/sub]

17

Ann is wormfood, dude!

18

Esprix, isn’t it always about you? :smiley:

19

You sound like a good person with a very distinctive personality. Sometimes that comes with a price.

Yeah, it’s you.

And it’s them.

Who’s more important?

20

Spree baby, it’s because you look like Hermie. You know, the Elf that wanted to be a dentist.

Larry Mudd - I don’t recall teasing you. I’m sorry.