I:
-Dust my hands when I finish any little mundane task saying “done and done”.
-Incorrect people, correcting people’s speech to match non-standard dialects or accents. (“It’s pronounced ‘HON-gry’”)
-Bring up race inappropriately. (“I left my recipe book at my mother’s house so I had to make the ice cream from memory! Do you know how hard that is for a black man these days?”)
What little gags do you perform routinely for an audience of one?
Ha! I do both of these things too! I don’t know your race or gender, but I always call myself a black man when talking to my boyfriend or other people who know me well, and I’m a white female. I also tell my boyfriend I’m Serbian (he actually is Serb, and sometimes I go so far as to say “I’m more Serbian than you!”), and that I’m Chinese, etc. If anyone ever says “Really?” I say, “No.”
Similar to the first one, I also like to make up alternate lyrics to songs and then say, “Those are the REAL words.” An ex-boyfriend (still my best friend) and I have this thing where one of us makes up alternate lyrics and then says, “Those are the what words?” And the other of us will say matter-of-factly, “The real words. Real words, yes.” Or something close to that.
‘when making a joke at someone elses expense it is essential to remember that it only has to be funny to you…’
when I’m bored i tend to come up with original and personally entertaining ways to kill the postman. He is a thief but alas all I have is circumstantial evidence… still crucifying him whilst covered in cat food has been my favoured solution for a while now…
I like to narrate my life. “So there he was, just driving down the road when some moron cut him off. Good thing he knows people are morons and was able to avoid yet another fatal crash.”
Other times, when completely alone, I’ll talk to myself in Valley Girl. Like, yeah, totally. And this is made even funnier by the fact that I am, like, sooo a dude. Or whatever.
I imagine my alternate life - the one where I’m the retired pro hockey player that now plays lead guitar in a country rock band where the singer and the drummer are smoking hot twin sisters. The drummer is gay, that way I don’t have to feel bad about the singer and I falling madly in love, AND I don’t have to imagine other guys touching her twin.
I think this week, my Salvadoran housekeepr and the twin sister/drummer will tell me they’re in love and want to move into the cabin in my back yard. Did I mention I live on 20 wooded acres?
I know you’re upset, but it’s not worth covering yourself in cat food.
I’ve lived by myself for a long time and all of these little habits and self-jokes are so ingrained it’s hard to even think of what they are!! Oh, I do repeat “teeth, underarms, eyes and hair” to make sure I complete each step of my very simple and unchanging morning after-shower hygiene routine. Teeth=brush, underarms=deodorant, eyes=rinse lenses, hair=comb and go. Not much to have to remember!
Oh, and I sarcastically think “Mighty white of you” to myself about others, cuz the phrase recurred to me one day and I thought it was just goofy-funny-dumb.
This reminds me of that commercial where the one guy is singing “Pour some shook-up ramen”…
I guess this would qualify as a joke for one, since I may be the only one who finds it amusing. So far nobody else has exhibited amusement. I have a book bag that says “Please respect my privacy during this difficult time” and I walk around in public with it. Even people I see who know me are at a loss for words. Pretty cool. Or weird. Not sure which one is the case.