I’ve had a lot of time to ponder the ways in which I deal with confrontations - not necessarily just SO related (and I have time not because I’m in Jail, but because I’m on break).
I’ve come to the conclusion that I usually have two gears - the silent treatment or yelling. Neither one is productive, and both usually escalate the situation, although the yelling option is definitely the inflammatory of the two.
I absolutely hate this about my personality and have tried to zero in on why it’s so difficult for me to simply have an adult exchange about something that bothered me. There’s no mystery about where the behavior comes from – my mother is the queen of silent treatment or screaming.
As I get older, I realize how childish this behavior is but I can’t seem to catch myself in the moment and change.
For example, do you want the person who’s pissed you off to make amends somehow? If so you’re much better off telling them that, and what they should do. Screaming or being silent will bring neither of you any closer to a solution.
Or, when you’re about to go off on one of your two options, imagine your mother in your position, and you in the position of whoever you’re going to tear a new one for. How would you react if she screamed? What do you want from her? What do you want to do, and how can she help you?
Think of problems as things to be solved, not as excuses to indulge your temper.
Write down a list of your grievances. Look at them. Can you see why the other person might be doing/have done them? Once they’re written down, do they still seem as terrible as they seemed in your head?
Go through each one and try and pin down exactly why it bothers you. Edit your language to a non-confrontational style, use feeling words, and generally non-blaming statements. Blah, blah, blah, huggy-touchy-feely, I know, but if you really want to train yourself to actually be able to talk out a problem rationally without screeching or sulking you have to start somewhere, with yourself. And don’t go out with your little list half-cocked. Really look at it. Maybe sit on it for twenty-four hours or so and see what changes you want to make to your language or grievances. In the meantime, let your partner know, “I am upset about this. I am sorry that I am not able to communicate well and will need time to figure out how to talk about my feelings but I don’t want to continue being a psychotic vascillating between screaming and silent treatment so please give me time.” Obviously, words to that effect, not those words, otherwise they’ll just make fun of you for being a pansy. Eventually, it should become easier. Good luck.
Perhaps-no strike that-I am odd. If you yell at me, my instinct is to leave. If you give me the silent treatment, and I can’t draw conversation, there is no incentive to stay.
Tortuga, thank you for your excellent advice as well. I will try some of the things you have mentioned - I am especially grateful for the emphasis on giving myself time to really think about what’s bugging me. Quite frankly, your words on the fly (about being psychotic, or whatnot) would probably be well-received and are appropriate.
danceswithcats, I wasn’t asking “what would you do if your signficant other acted like this?” - I get what a problem it is, and I’m trying to work on it; thus, the thread.
I’ve found that silence is infinitely better than yelling. Yelling gets the adrenaline going and I switch into a highly unproductive fight mode 99% of the time (the other 1% is a very productive exposure what an A-hole my arguing partner is being–repairs are instantaneous and involve 2 pints of Guinness).
That said, silence is unproductive if you’re not using it to figure out what the problem is, why it exists and what you want to do about it.
I had a very similar issue, Sat- I dealt with it by walking away when I couldn’t control my temper (I would tell the person “We need to discuss this, but I’m too upset right now”), then forcing myself to come back and deal when I’d had a chance to think a bit. It took a LOT of practice and patience, but I did get through it OK. I didn’t let people bait me into a fight, either. If I said “I’m done here for now”, I just stopped and walked away.