Ok, so my wife and I (we’re separated for a couple months now) can’t seem to break our pattern of fighting with one another: arguing, getting mad, criticizing, being defensive, attacking, blaming, etc.
I think we both might consider getting back together, but there always seems to be something that gets one of us upset. It’s never anything big, just little things that get under her/my skin.
I’m not very good at walking on eggshells in my communications, and she’s prone to take offense and assume that I’ve acted with ill-will.
We’re in the mode now of expecting that the other will do/say something to make the other-other mad.
So I was wondering what some of you have done to escape from this vicious cycle of bickering and getting mad at one another?
Perhaps there’s a mantra I could recite? Some sensitivity lotion? Rose-colored glasses? Should I switch to jockeys? Grow a beard?
Sounds like emotional fusion all right. In general the direction you both need to head is to strengthen your inner resources so you’re not so reliant on each other for reflecting what you need to hear.
An exercise that has worked wonders for me and my wife of 17 (sometimes difficult) years is to sit facing each other with a stone or other object between us. After we’ve identified a touchy topic (not too difficult) we take turns speaking our minds to the rock. No interruptions, corrections, protests, eye rolling, gagging noises, etc. allowed. Just listening. When we’re done (anywhere from a couple of minutes to 20 or 30 minutes) we pause quietly for a while, give each other a hug, then the other partner gets a turn.
Amazingly, going second doesn’t result in a “response” very often, and that’s good. It’s usually just a completely different take on the same topic.
The secret is being heard, no matter what it is you or your partner have to say. It’s amazing how that takes the angst out of the interaction.
Maybe you need to accept that fighting is normal and OK and stop getting so worked up about it. Fighting is a sign that you care about each other. That attitude isn’t very popular in this culture though. Follow this guy’s lead - this sounds like one of the happiest relationships I’ve heard about. (I’m serious!)
Well, you need to make a basic shift in your focus–stop focusing on what she can do to meet your needs, and vise versa, and start focusing on meeting your own needs. Stop focusing on who is right or wrong, and start focusing on what is right for the marriage. Stop focusing on the things that bug you about her and start focusing on everything you fell in love with. Stop expecting “payback” for every nice thing you do, and start doing nice things just because it makes you happy to see her happy. She will start to be nicer to you in return, but that’s not why you do it.
I know that sounds overly simplistic, but really, that’s all there is to it.
Quite frankly I’ve been learning to shut the hell up. No really, I’ve gotten into big fights etc with my almost ex-wife and I would never shut up, nor would she. Then with my current SO I learned a few months later to get it out quick and then shut up.
I try my best not to say stupid shit, so when I feel myself going that way I shut my mouth and REALLY concentrate on not opening it no matter what. It has taken me a long time to learn this, and I still don’t always do it but it does help. I’m getting better I really am, NO I REALLY AM, really.
My wife has a very short temper, and will start shouting at me for assorted minor snafus. Usually I will ignore them, but if it’s especially nasty, then I will shout back. And then the whole thing degenerates into a big verbal bout.
After two or three times of this, I learned that the ebst thing to do was to just shut up and hold my tongue. I let her shout it out, give her some quiet time alone, and within fifteen to twenty minutes, she’s calmed down where we can talk about things like civilized human beings. If she realizes that she was especially nasty, she’ll often apologize, and we’ll be back to Happy Couple mode once more.
I apologise and backpedal, since I haven’t got the sense to sense when to shut up as some of the other posters have and tend to become the bitchy mistress of hyperbole. A thin layer of freshly laundered clothing dumped onto the bedroom floor by my mate in search of that perfect other sock becomes mounds of callousness, so that I would have him believe that I am forced to wear stilts to traverse the room. It doesn’t change the fact that he shouldn’t do it, and I shouldn’t freak out about it, but it acknowledges that a) that shit has gotta stop and b) I’m mad at the behaviour, not him. Eh, that’s not very helpful, I guess I should just say: apologise and mean it, don’t let the hurtful just hang there in the air between you. But like the others have mentioned, try not to say it in the first place.
Another cliché:
Also, take some genuine time off from each other. Now do you miss them, or just the company of a warm body or how loving someone else makes you feel.
I absolutely, never ever, on pain of death don’t have the “this is what I am mad about” discussion while either of us is still mad. I wait until I calm down. Then I spend some time thinking about how to broach the subject. I spend a lot of time thinking about what his counterarguments might be–NOT so I can prepare defenses, but so I can take some time to realize where I might be wrong. Then we talk.
I also had to learn to let a lot of stuff go. For example, let’s say I notice the trash can bag hasn’t been replaced for the 30th time in a row, and I huffily replace it myself. This really pisses me off. But what am I gonna do? Start a fight about it? Blow it up into some kind of a metaphor for how inconsiderate he is? God no. It takes me 10 seconds to put the new bag in, so what if he didn’t do it, in the overall scheme of things it is not worth getting mad about and it sure as hell is not worth bitching at him. No need LOOKING for little things to get mad about (although I swear, some people I know do that… they just pounce with delight at the change to tell their mate how inadequate they are).
Ok, thanks, these are some (mostly, except perhaps gatopescado’s contribution) helpful ideas. I’m realizing now, however, that I also should have asked about getting over being MAD. I think that’s a lot of what’s behind our difficulties in getting along together.
I agree with a lot of what has been said. Obviously arguing and tempers are part of any serious and long term relationship…anyone expecting a fairy tale are going to be sorely disappointed. That being said, constant fighting and recriminations are not normal and not the sign of something that’s going to last.
The three main things that my wife and I worked out are: figure out what is really important to you and what is just somewhat and briefly irriatating. Then, (and this is the hard part) ignore it. As some mentioned, shut up about it. Doesn’t matter. The second thing is neither of us are mindreaders, you gotta say what yer thinking. If you didn’t, beforehand, mention that you really wanted to see Blade 2 and they want to see Gosford Park and you don’t mention your preference…then no pouting about it later. This doesn’t mean you should say every stupid thing that pops into your head…see previous point. Third thing is never, never, no matter how much you want to, bring up past arguments into the new one. What has been settled in the past is over with. Keeping a laundry list of slights and offenses is not appreciated.
As to stop being mad, I find denial an excellent notion. Get out of the situation, do something else, tell jokes, whatever. After you’re feeling better, return to the argument.
Usually, when Mrs. Dave-Guy and I argue, it takes one of two forms:
a sniping exchange over something small and irritating. Essentially just voicing our annoyance. It passes pretty quickly, since it’s about small potatoes.
a discussion about something important (money, sex, the kids).
In either case, the thing I think we’ve both learned (and it took us a few years to learn it) is to listen to the other person’s point of view and try to find a resolution that both can be happy with.
This works pretty well because if you listen, instead of thinking up the next point in your argument, you may hear something in the other person’s point of view that you hadn’t realized before. At the very least, you’ll get a sense of the other side of the argument.
As for trying to find a resolution that both can be happy with, that’s just teamwork. It’s not always compromise, where both parties don’t really get what they want, either. There have been a lot of times when one or the other of us has said, “You know, you’re right, I’ve been pigheaded. I’ll work on doing better.” More often than not, though, we both try to see the issue from the other’s point of view, and not be so selfish about our own point of view.
The important thing is not “winning the argument.” The important thing is improving the relationship. And that comes with listening and with the willingness to change or compromise.
It helps to not hold a grudge as well. I think a lot of arguments are not about what just happened, they’re about what happened a week ago, and someone’s still fuming about it.
Denial is NOT and excellent notion. It is the path to divorce.
Conflict is inevitable and as a result so is anger. You cannot avoid it, you must learn to deal with it constructively. Hold onto yourself and listen to your partner, no matter what crap they spew. Then look them in the eye and tell them specifically what made you angry, starting with the words “I resent you for…” (not “I resent the fact that…” or some other abstraction).
Yes, this is uncomfortable. We’ve been trained to avoid this kind of honesty. But be honest, this is the person you love and are the most intimate with. Right? Intimacy means honesty, even when you’re being honest about your most petty, selfish, small-minded resentments.
If you express them while looking directly into the eyes of the perpetrator, they pass through you and end. They won’t end any other way. You’ll be surprised how often you’re ready to say “…and I appreciate you for…” once you’ve cleared the crap out of your system.
Picking your battles is not the same as denial: getting along with one another involves deciding on what really matters and letting the other stuff slide. Of course, the deciding is difficult. There is one trick that helps me: there have been a couple issues over the course of my relationship with my husband that really bugged me, but which we could not resolve. I asked myself “Am I willing to leave over this?”. The answer came back no, and once I knew that, I knew the only other option was to live with it. Forcing myself to accept that made a big difference.
It’s ok to be angry. Your going to be angry. It is not ok, under any circumstances, to take that anger out on your partner, even if they caused it Adults do not lash out and try and hurt someone ellse. When you are angry, you have to find something else to do with that anger: work out, go on a walk, leave, whatever.
Nothing the other person does justifies bad behavior on your part. I see this all the time: in troubled, painful relationships, the participents watch each other like hawks, waiting for the one person to do something that can be construed as “hateful” or “mean” or whatever, which then frees the other person to attack back, which opens the floodgates. Even if your wife is acting like most unreasonable, bitchiest, pettiest whore on the face of the planet, you have to treat her with love and respect. You don’t have to stay: if in the face of your love and respect she continues to blast you with hate and anger, it’s a good idea to respectfully end the marriage, but lashing back is never acceptable. It’s not your job nor your right to punish her. It’s your job to be a good person and to watch out for your own best interests.
You might try writing to each other: if the pattern of fighting is very deeply ingrained, you may need something to give you both a bit of distance.
Learn patterns. Habitual conflict like this is usually amazingly repetitive, and hte trick is to change your behavoir not in the “right before the fighting starts” phase, but in the lead-up phase that may well begin hours earlier. Hell, maybe you should keep a “fight log” and write down where, when, and about what you argue, and just find ways to make sure those situations don’t come up.
Give in. A lot. Trust your SO to be smart enough to figure most things out without your help, even though the details may seem daffy to you. Both of you need the leeway to do things your own way.
Back away from any conflict that isn’t worth a rave-up. The fact that you’re right is not important. Getting along is very important. You may get a momentary satisfaction out of pointing out that your SO is mispronouncing something or making the bed the hard way, but you’re better off letting it go. A whole bushel of “I was rights” won’t buy you a cup of coffee.
Avoid traps. There is no good answer to, “does this make my butt look big?” Don’t answer it. Don’t ask it.:eek:
One thing I’ve always noted when people fight is that both sides want to get the last word in, no matter what the expense. This often leads to unnecessary words AND actions (like rolling your eyes, shaking your head, snorting, snide comments, etc.). You can’t get over being mad if you’re deadset on being “right” and getting the last “word” in. So you have to ask yourself, “is this last action necessary” even if you feel like you’re losing the argument even though you are indeed right.
This also includes the followup “I told you so, stupid…” action. Let your partner be wrong without rubbing it in. And your partner should let you be the same. Otherwise you may as well hang it up…
My SO in high school and I would have the stupidest, pettiest fights. Somtimes they dragged out for hours. Sometimes they ended as quickly as they started, usually with the both of us rolling on the floor laughing, among other things ;).
Here’s an example of the end of the latter type. I can’t remember what the subject was:
Me: What are you, ubiquitous? (Yes, I know I misused the word.)
SO: Ubiquitous? No, I’m not ubiquitous! You’re ubiquitous! What the hell? Calling me ubiquitous!
Me: Do you know what “ubiquitous” means?
SO: No.
Both: (Laughter)
Sometimes by doing this we could see how dumb the argument was. YMMV.
