So normally the wife and I get along great. I love her, she’s great. But whenever we argue things quickly degenerate over simple things and often things quickly go like this.
Me: Argue, argue. (calmly, level voice)
Her: Argue, argue. (calmly, level voice)
Me: Argu…
Her: Physically throw whatever is closest at hand. Possibly at me. Possibly hard enough to break. Start yelling. Storm out of room yelling.
Me: Annoyed, startled, shaken. Becomes very withdrawn from her for a day or more depending on how things progress. Eventually forget about it.
Her: Within a hour quickly recovers and calms down. Rarely apologizes for actions but tries to act like nothing ever happened. Becomes upset that I’m withdrawn. Sometimes a repeat of the above occurs, other times not.
I’ve complained about hating the physically angry side of her. At first it was ‘I won’t do it again’. But now I just get, ‘It is who I am - sorry I can’t change’. Usually we eventually agree her outburst was caused by a miscommunication.
We dated for a couple years, and the physical anger never happened then. Which is maddening to me because my mother acted this way and if I had seen it coming before taking the vows and having a kid…
For the record I am no saint in an argument, but I always remain calm and level and do not use names. I try to think about what I am saying before I say it - although my wife hates this because she says I don’t say enough. Although I must admit I’m cautious because if I say the wrong thing she’ll flip.
Anyhow, anyone else have experience like this? Should we seek marraige counseling? How does that go usually? My experience with my mother and my wife leads me to conclude that many women might be like this (probably false)? How many women out there are much more verbal than their spouses and hate it when their significant other is quiet during a heated argument?
This was me and my ex. Sadly, it is probably what ultimately broke us up.
Same deal but roles reversed: I was calm, and he would lose his temper and (rather than throwing things) say really hurtful and regrettable things. Within an hour he was calm but I hurt for days. The main problem was that he didn’t think there was anything wrong with that.
I got to the point where I didn’t feel secure talking to him about things that were important to me, because if we didn’t agree then I worried that he might get mean. This is not a fruitful state for a marriage to be in.
I think it’s common for men to be quieter than women in arguments because they’re less likely to be socialized to talk out their feelings. And in my experience women get frustrated by this because they feel like he’s thinking something he’s not saying. But that does not make your wife’s behaviour okay.
Yes, I would definitely suggest marriage counselling. There’s no right or wrong except what works for you, and this appears to not be working for you.
When an argument turns violent (and that’s what throwing things is, to me), it’s taking an unacceptable turn. Throwing things either shows a loss of control (bad) or an attempt to intimidate (also bad).
Throwing shit is wrong. I used to get very emotional and manipulative during fights. I’ve since learned it’s pointless and futile and mean and unhealthy but even I never threw shit. That has got to stop right now.
Before you jump to counseling, have you said flat out “I don’t like when you throw things at me. I feel I cannot respond calmly while ducking things.” What has she said?
Let’s do a bit of role reversal. Pretend it’s your daughter getting into a fight with her boyfriend, and her boyfriend throws something at her.
Bullshit on her “This is who I am” crap. Jeffrery Dahlmer was a serial killer, it doesn’t make it right. You need to get into counseling, either with or without her. And if she throws something at you and it hits you, CALL THE POLICE. Her behavior is unacceptable and she needs to learn that yesterday.
Throwing things or becoming physically violent is never okay. Seek counseling right away. If it had happened once and she apologized and it never happened again that would be one thing, but the fact that it continues to happen shows that this is the way she deals with anger. This is most likely how she will deal with fights with your child too. You both need to go to a therapist as soon as possible.
I missed where you spoke to her. Hie thee to a counselor. And you have a kid with this woman? Does your kid see her throwing shit? Do you think your kid is not going to learn the same behavior?
Throwing things is not normal. Yelling is not cool (though I don’t know how common it is, it certainly isn’t OK). Yes, you need to do something about it, and I suppose counseling is the first step.
We are almost revered in the usual roles–when we argue I very nearly shut down and can’t get any words out. This really bugs him. He’s always been the one who talks more about feelings, though not really much more than your average guy, it’s just that I am really silent. But we hardly ever argue any more.
Your wife can control herself if she is a normal adult. She is choosing not to. She can learn better, but it may take some work.
Okay, thanks for the many responses. While it truly sucks to have objective strangers overwhelmingly tell you your marraige needs help, I appreciate all of the advice.
My wife is more of a throw one thing and storm off person as opposed to me having to duck several objects coming my way. This behavior has happened, say 5 times in the past year.
Also, only once was the object (a small toy) directed my way. She was in the back of the car with the infant, I was driving. It didn’t really physically hurt, but it shocked me. That time, and one other the child was present. He was less than 6 months both times and was hopefully oblivious to the physical ongoings around him.
So, anyone have any experience with marraige counselors? How does that usually go. We’re both agnostic and would probably prefer to avoid church based ones.
Uh huh. And if you had swerved because she’d thrown a toy at you and you’d smashed the car up?
It is very easy to find a secular marriage counselor…you don’t have to go through a church. Look in the phonebook under therapists, or Google for therapists in your area.
Not cool. My husband and I almost had a deal-breaker in our marriage when his yelling escalated to to point that, as much as I loved him, I was ready to walk if he didn’t stop it. We had some very rocky times, but things are so much better now. I never really wanted to leave but wasn’t willing to put up with it anymore, or expose our children to that either. I never want my son or daughter to think that that’s just what guys do when they get mad.
Where do you think my husband got this from? My FIL. What would my son do when he gets angry at my future DIL 15 years from now? How would that affect my future grandchildren? I may be reaching here but this really bothered me.
My husband rarely yells anymore. Raised voices during an argument is one thing, but sustained and loud yelling is like a hurricane - it destroys me. Sometimes he didn’t even make any sense. It was more like ‘I’m pissed off and I’m going to vent because it makes me feel better. It doesn’t matter how it affects my family.’ The worst was when we were in the car. There’s no place to go to get away.
I didn’t mean to hijack this thread. It sucks, but you need to be very firm and decisive in order for her to change. I used to clam up too and we had quite the pattern going on. It didn’t help. It was only when I would wait until things were calm and no one was mad to say; “I love you, but if you don’t stop it I’m leaving.” No anger, no drama, just a straight-out fact.
I’m glad that my husband stopped, and I hope that your wife stops also. Just because she’s a woman doesn’t mean that she can assault you with the coffee cup, key ring, or whatever.
Does she have good aim? Maybe she should go out for the softball team?:dubious:
She’s acting in abusive ways, Blind Man. Her actions and your reactions to them are glowing neon DANGER signs. Her saying that she can’t change is also bad and complete bullshit. Her throwing things around you is bad; throwing them at you is not acceptable in any way. You were shocked when she threw something at you in anger because it is shocking behaviour; you don’t try to hurt or intimidate people you love (which is what she’s doing with throwing things and yelling).
Women are traditionally more verbal in arguments than men because we have a larger emotional vocabulary. That does not mean that women should be allowed to get mean and abusive while arguing. Men are bigger and stronger than women; they are not allowed to batter women physically. Women have bigger, stronger vocabularies than men; they SHOULD NOT be allowed to batter men verbally.
Can you call a local health line and see if they can recommend a marriage counsellor? Do you think she would go with you?
PLEASE NOTE: Be very careful if you call the police when she is being abusive - it is completely wrong, but you may end up arrested because the law still assumes that only men can be abusive.
The number of times and the number of objects is not relevent. Once is too many. Again with the role reversal, what would you tell tell a female friend to do that said her husband threw things at her during arguments?
We’ve been to couples counseling and it was quite productive. Your job may provide coverage for a certain number of visits. Many larger companies have something called an Employee Assistance Program (or similar) that gives you the opportunity to visit a counselor for work or home issues.
I, for one, clammed up because when we argued she was not being reasonable and anything I would say was going to be wrong. Based on that I’d be willing to sugest that, while not optimal, silence in the face of an irrational person brings a speedier end to a fight.
Well, it sounds more emotionally abusive than physically abusive. This is like the volcano effect; the pressure builds and builds inside of her until she explodes and then gets away from you. It sounds like she needs to recognize when it’s getting closer to happening, and get away from the situation before she grabs that bag of Chex Mix and hurls it past your shoulder.
Can you wait until you’re getting along, nothing is going on, etc. and then calmly figure something out? She can say things like “I need to get away from you”, “Let’s not talk about this anymore”, or whatever works for her. Your part in it would be to let the argument drop for the time being when she says things like that. In my husbands defense I needed to do the same thing when he would get really upset. I don’t treat him with kid gloves or anything like that, but I don’t push his buttons when he’s getting really upset, either. Some people right here on the Dope told me that and it was great advice.
The calmly figuring things out thing never usually works the first bunch of times you do it. It takes time and repetition.
Sometimes he didn’t even make any sense. It was more like ‘I’m pissed off and I’m going to vent because it makes me feel better. It doesn’t matter how it affects my family.’ The worst was when we were in the car. There’s no place to go to get away.