Not to get too hung up on labels, but throwing things at or around someone in anger is considered physical abuse.
It sounds like physical abuse to me. A object is being hurled at you, with enough force to hurt like heck. I would say the same thing to you that I would say to another woman in this situation.
Get out. You don’t need this kind of abuse. If you don’t get out, at least get help. Document everything that happens. You don’t need to go through this alone.
BMIAC, it’s not just a question of her throwing things a few times every now and then. Look up at your top post, where you indicate that you’re afraid to talk to her sometimes because of how she might react. You’re living in fear, and not just when the objects are actually flying.
I’ll also point out that even though the signs may not have been apparent before marriage, you’ve found yourself a wife who fits into the same behavior pattern that you experienced with your mother. You might consider getting some individual therapy for yourself, to help you figure out whether you’ve internalized bad lessons about what a close relationship is supposed to be like, and how you can develop a healthier set of expectations.
It’s a control response. When she’s not controlling the argument to her satisfaction, she escalates until she “wins.” That’s why she cuts you off – the point is to interrupt your argument and trump it. Having “won,” it’s easy for her to calm down afterward.
It’s also a long-term control strategy, as your fear of bringing things up illustrates.
People say it’s not consciously chosen but, having encountered it before, I have my doubts.
Counseling – but don’t just talk about anger, broach the subject of control.
Sailboat
Throwing shit can be extremely dangerous. A friend winged a book at another friend and screwed up her eye forever.
Without being too nosey, what were the “argue argue” words you said prior to her wigging out?
Counselling is certainly a great idea. Failing that, NERF balls may be a solution.
I do, too. I think the point Blind Man needs to make to his wife is that she can change (most people in the world get angry and have arguments without throwing things), and if she won’t try to do so, he isn’t interested in staying in an abusive relationship.
There’s nothing more infuriating to an obviously angry person than fighting with someone who can manage to keep his cool (or is passive aggressive). Not that that’s any excuse (the car thing sounds scary).
Never been to marriage counseling, but my parents went. IIRC, they argued about it a lot. I think my father thought the counselor was taking sides or something. Anyway, it might also be useful for you both to go alone.
She may be better off starting with some private therapy where she can talk about it out of your hearing without worrying about your reactions. Her tendency to violence may not be about you and your relationship, it may well be within her and the journey to sort that out may be much harder in tandem.
The marriage counselling can happen later, this is not about your relationship as much as it is about her violence. A decent therapist will be able to figure out what is best for all of you.
She probably learned this method of fighting from her own parents. When she’s calm, discuss how fearful and upset this made her when her parents fought like that. Ask her if she wants to pass this on to her own kids? It doesn’t have to be like this but she needs to make a choice on how she is going to conduct herself. But in order to change, she needs to know that it’s not acceptable to you.
This is good advice. If she’s not willing to take into account how you feel about it, what about the kids?
Can’t anyone think of the children? (Sorry, couldn’t resist)
Adults need to behave as adults, and throwing things is supposed to end after toddlerhood. That’s about the point when people learn that you can hurt people, and we need to calm down and get control of ourselves.
I would suggest both of you have a session or several on your own in addition to couple’s counselling. It did a world of good for Suburban Plankton and I.
Wow, again thanks for all the responses, comments and personal stories. A lot of good advice here and I’m grateful for it. Your comments helped give me the conviction to talk to my wife about getting counseling and I am right now in the process of making an joint appointment with one through an employee assistance program as Antinor01 suggested. From there we’ll decide what the next steps should be.
I do think of the child all the time. And as has been suggested I do not want these behaviors to be something he picks up. Also, I am serious about making my marriage work. And if it doesn’t my child will really lose out. Most of the time it is great - I love my wife and she is a great person. It is just the whole thing about going from calm to rage and back to calm again that freaks me out. I also have a hard time understanding it because in this way I am so different. It take a long time for me to lose my calm (and then I’m still not throwing things) and once I reach that point it takes me a long time to let it go.
Let’s not write her completely off, shall we? People can change. IMO, she needs therapy, you need therapy and you both need therapy together. I doubt she understands or even sees that she is escalating the argument because she fears the outcome. If she does and she still refuses to change–you have a much bigger problem on your hands.
I have never thrown things–that is messed up. Then again, those who remain “calm*” and “shut down” are doing something called stonewalling, which in its way is also a method of controlling outcomes. Refusing to engage is a tactic, not just a defense mechanism.
–speaks the woman who for 20 years has tried any number of ways to get her husband to actually talk things out and has mostly failed. (and we went to marital counseling. He went twice; I went for 4 years.)
*depending on how the calm is manifested. I am not advocating meeting yell for yell.
I had an anger problem. Your wife could be me about 5-4 years ago. I will offer no condemnation for your wife. Not being able to control your anger is a terrible, shameful feeling. It can feel that way to the point where you don’t even acknowledge it. I think people who don’t have a problem with anger don’t understand what lives in the head of someone who does. I went into counseling after a bad incident about four years ago. Best thing I ever did.
My husband and I are now in relationship counseling as a matter of course. We will probably always be in it. I second the counseling recommendation.
It’s not clear to me that the throwing-stuff is actually directed at him. It may just be a crude way of expressing general frustration and anger. Some people reach adulthood without ever learning how to be angry appropriately.
His feelings about it tell me that it is. Even someone just throwing things around you is scary, but he says his wife is actually throwing them at him, which is way over the line.
I’m not condemning his wife or saying she’s a bad person, but she has an anger problem, and she is responsible for that, just like someone would be responsible for a drinking problem or a fidelity problem. She needs to do the work to get herself under control; it’s that simple (note I say simple, not easy). This is an escalating problem; if it goes on, there will be injuries at some point that everyone will regret. She’s already damaged the trust and safety of the marriage.
I’m glad to hear you’re working on counselling, Blind Man. I was raised in a house where we got to hear my parents fighting and throwing things regularly; please don’t subject your child to that.
Good to hear that you’re getting some help.
Retain a good divorce lawyer to assist you in setting up an exit plan, so that should the marriage fail you do not end up on the short end of the stick vis a vis custody, access, child support, spousal support, and divison of property, etc., or you getting arrested after she assaults you, or you ending up on the steet.
Once you have a plan in place, and have collected sufficient evidence to make your case should it be necessary, then tell her that either her abuse stops or you go, and set out what professional resouces are available to assist her in changing her ways. Make sure she knows that you are serious about this.
Either that, or get used to being abused.
I realize your Mom’s behavior was similar to your wife’s, which is maybe why you don’t understand how wrong her actions are. There is no excuse for resorting to physical violence and even less of an excuse for trying to deny her responsibility for what she did. It’s not okay.
You really need to understand that not only is this unhealthy for you, it’s unhealthy for your kid. This is how your kid is going to learn to process and deal with anger. That doesn’t mean they will be abusive too, but it may mean, like me, they will struggle to express and cope with anger in a healthy way for the rest of their lives. These are how high the stakes are.
I can relate to the pain of being on the receiving end of that sort of unapologetic rage, but I can also relate to wanting to dish it out. Personally, I am incredibly frustrated when my husband clams up – it feels like he’s telling me he doesn’t care enough about our marriage to resolve the issue. I can’t fucking stand it and it makes me feel so helpless. I would rather get into a shouting match with him and yell to resolution than feel completely shut out. When he does this, I want to throw things. I want to pitch a raging fit and bust holes in the wall. The level of rage I feel is beyond words or rational thought. I have never committed a violent act, but I have serious anger management problems that I still struggle with today.
Nobody really demonstrated a healthy way to show anger when I was growing up, and my husband had the same issue – hence the stonewalling. He was afraid of anger and so was I. We have since learned how much those past experiences really impact how we relate to one another. Any disagreement becomes a problem we have to face together–we are allies working together to slay whatever dragon is trying to tear us apart. This sort of thing really requires a reorganization of the way you think about one another when you’re interacting–it also requires that you forge a new relationship with the feeling of anger. It doesn’t have to be something threatening and scary – it can be an impetus for positive action, believe it or not.
People really can change their behavior. My Mom certainly learned to change hers, and has even apologized for the times she lost her temper. We have a very positive relationship now.
So I agree with rigs–don’t write her off completely. She’s got anger management issues, but that doesn’t mean she’s a bad person. She’s hurting inside too. Loss of control can be a very scary thing–she is using the violence as a way to try to exert control over the situation, but hopefully it will soon become clear to her that this method is not very effective.
Good luck with the counseling.