From bad to worse

You remember like a week or two ago I posted about how they don’t care about military spouses here? Well my life in the past week took a really bad turn that shows that they DO care…but about the wrong things.

I had a fight with my husband that ended with him shoving me, it’s not the first time he shoved me nor was it the hardest, but I ended up smacking my arm against the wall pretty hard, so hard it gave me a huge bruise a big swelling and a weird, not right lumpy feeling. Now I do love my husband quite a bit and as I have said to countless people this week, he did not intend for me to hit the wall. I know that doesnt make it right, but…

So the day this happened that was all. Our fight was over and life was ok, I guess, except for our usual daily arguments. On tuesday, though, we argued again and I went to go talk to my friend, who upon hearing about my arm (which still hurt and felt lumpy) made me go to the hospital to make sure it wasnt broken.

I told the doctor that I fell but she didnt believe me and next thing you know there’s police, a psychiatrist, and those damn family advocacy people all over me. They forced me to make a statement about what happened even though I didnt want this. They wouldnt let me leave the hospital or call my husband on the phone at first. When I called him he was very upset and said he was going to divorce me. They forced him to go to the police station and get booked, they forced me to not see him and threatened to make him stay away from me for 3 days or so, “for my protection”. I begged and pleaded that he is not dangerous but they take this stuff to the extreme. Finally his first sergeant showeed up, and she’s nice and I trust her so I was happy she was there because she’s the only one of them who listened to me. They had me go talk to her and then my husband was there and he NEVER looked at me like that before: this total look of hatred, betrayal, hurt. I felt like a horrible monster. This all happened because I went to my friend’s house.

So we are now forced to go to counseling, which my husband doesnt take well to because it didnt work the times he had to go in his previous marriage. I also fear terribly that he will divorce me because occasionally he says “I can’t live with someone who thinks I’m hostile” and “we can’t be together.” Times come where, on our own, like tonight, we have great fun and are cute and loving and the incident is forgotten. However with us having to go to constant counseling and having a case come up about us and him probably having to take anger management classes again, it will never go away. The old wound will just be reopened.
So yes, they do care about military spouses here, but to the point where they make it so I will no longer be one by ruining my husband’s career. Everyone on his job calls him a wife beater now…they werent supposed to have heard about it at all…all this because I opened up my mouth where I shouldnt have.

Your husband was the one who did the wrong thing here. Not you. This is not your fault. You did nothing wrong.

If he had not pushed you then this wouldn’t have happened.

Take care of yourself.

Honey, he is hostile. And I say bravo to the admins around there for taking it seriously. Did you hear about the rash of murders among military families last fall? They have reason to be worried, and frankly, you do to. Physical violence is never an appropriate response to someone you are supposed to love and cherish.

That being said, I know you’re under an extreme amount of stress and must be pretty miserable all around right now. I’m sorry you have to deal with all of this and I hope it works out for the best. Of course, your idea of what would be best is probably a lot different than mine.

acrossthesea, no one is trying to ruin your husband’s career. I realize it may be hard to see in the midst of the chaos that your life is right now, but all those people are genuinely trying to help you. If your husband attends the counseling sessions and the anger managment classes, and takes them seriously, his career will not be harmed. It will, however, be harmed if these incidents continue without intervention, and he ends up seriously losing control.

The fact is, if this is not the first or hardest time your husband has shoved you, and if he’s making coments like that, and you actually feel guilty for going to the doctor, then you and your husband need counseling. I guarentee you things will not get better, and will likely get much worse, without it.

Jeezopete, acrossthesea. A couple of things in your OP popped out at me:

Shoving your spouse around is NOT OK. It is NOT a trivial thing to do. Never think that it is.

Granted, different people have different tolerances for disagreements, but if I was having daily arguments with my husband, I’d be stressed out and miserable.

It sounds like he is hostile and needs anger management classes.

Issues like this don’t go away because you decide to just “let it go.” It’s NOT OK for your husband to shove you into the wall (and obviously, it’s not ok for you to shove him either.)

Please don’t just try to put up with this behavior. Take care of yourself. It really sounds like he’s got some issues that he’s taking out on you. And that’s a BAD thing.

acrossthesea, I’m just going to second some things Lucretia said:

Absolutely. He needs counseling so that he gets the message that it’s never OK to use physical force on you, or even threaten to do so.

And you need counseling so you get the same message, so you realize that continuing to put up with this sort of chronic abuse is bad for you, it would be a terrible example for your kids if you have kids someday, and it could wind up being a lot more dangerous, sooner or later, than just getting shoved.

I’ve never been in the military, nor has anyone in my family been in since WWII. So I don’t know that life.

But Lucretia does, and I know Lucretia. She is not the sort to blow smoke up your ass, just to tell you what you want to hear. Trust her on this, because she knows what she’s talking about.

damn straight they should take this stuff serious! more spouses (notice i didn’t say “women”?) are killed and maimed by a partner they don’t believe is “dangerous” than by any random assaults by strangers. like it or not, if someone shoves or strikes you, they ARE dangerous. and the longer they continue such behavior, the bigger the danger becomes. and how the heck can you say he’s not “dangerous” anyway? dangit, woman, he’s in the military. they train these folks to kill. that’s in the job description!

urg. myself, i would take this as a major cue that somebody ELSE thought your hubby has some issues that need a little working on. (TRANSLATION: it ain’t all you; it ain’t all YOUR fault. the constant so far in this equation is HIM. HINT: “anger management classes again” {my emphasis}.)

honey, better you open your mouth when you shouldn’t, NOW, than find yourself in the hospital with your jaw wired back together, LATER.

if you want to think i’m a mean nasty bitch for getting mean on your man, i’m fine with that. but my personal creed says that NO ONE has the right to treat me like a punching bag or otherwise abuse me. i only hope for the day when more people will understand the truth of that.


I really feel for you. I really hope that things work out for you.
What everyone has posted already is true, it is never ok for him to shove you. You’re in a difficult situation, and hopefully things will get better. I hope that during the counseling and anger management classes you and he will attend, both of you will discover how to relate to eachother in constructive ways.

And, I think that having it done this way, even if it is embarrassing, is good because it’s showing you that there are problems in your relationship. Those other people are taking it seriously, as you should. The rationalizations you give for his behavior sound alot like what battered women say about their beaters. It may not happen, but I would say that small acts of violence like this have a tendency to escalate; if nothing is done now, you may be going through the same thing at a later date but over something that is not minor. Please take this counseling seriously.

acrossthesea, you are being abused. And you are exhibiting rather typical victim denial. Let me repeat


Notice that the first thing on the warning list at is pushing!

You say your husband is being forced to take anger management classes again, but you don’t see a problem with this that demands – at the very least – counselling?

I’m trying to understand the mentality of someone who accepts violent behaviour on the part of their spouse because they desperately don’t want to lose them. I want to sympathize and empathize and console you. I’m just having a hard time doing it because I not only can’t comprehend putting up with that kind of crap, but I’m not sure that mollycoddling you wouldn’t be more harmful than helpful.

I SO hope they’ve put you with a good counsellor who will advise you to GET OUT the next time he so much as dares to lay a hand on you that isn’t in a loving and kind manner.

I pray that this all works out for you and that you can find the strength and determination never to allow him to touch you that way again.

Okay, Acrossthesea…I don’t often talk about this anymore, but I was in a similar situation, and if he doesn’t take it seriously, it will get worse. I went from the occasional shove to GETTING MY RIBS KICKED THROUGH MY LUNG. There’s a lot more to the story, but suffice to say it won’t be pretty for either of you.

Please quit making excuses and make him own up to his mistakes and take his classes seriously. Or leave him. You have to take it seriously as well. You’re lucky someone found out. I lived the secret life for many years.

And the relationship doesn’t necessarily have to end. You just have to draw the line and make sure he doesn’t cross it. He needs to admit he’s abusive and take steps to change that behavior. It can be done. He just has to want it. And so do you.

I also went through something similar. One day, a neighbour called the police and he was arrested. Him and his entire family blamed me, and I felt horrible. I didn’t want all these officials taking over our lives, and that’s how it felt. I just wanted to be alone, and deal with it with my partner one-on-one. I didn’t want him to be angry at me, it made me feel sick to my stomach all the time. I didn’t want to have to go to court and tell strangers about our private affairs. I was embarrassed and ashamed to admit out loud I had been someone’s punching bag, and on the other hand, I didn’t think things were that bad and I wanted life to just go back to normal.

But I was caught up in the machine: lawyers, judges, social workers. Official papers and documents. I felt truly powerless, even more so than I had in the relationship. And it was scary. These people were making decisions that affected my life, regardless of how I felt about it. Things were spinning out of control.

I can relate to what you’re saying exactly except I consider myself truly lucky that those official people intervened. It made me see what was happening in my life and why it had to stop. I began to feel relief. And eventually I began to heal. Now I can’t even believe I was caught up in such a relationship. It would never happen again.

And please let me stress–I know how hard it is when your husband says, “this is your fault”, and whatnot… but it isn’t. Not only did he put his hands on you, but you didn’t even intentionally tell anyone. You told the doctor you fell. So, you didn’t even set out for this to happen. It isn’t your fault, no matter how awful he makes you feel about it. He decided to push you, and sometimes when a person loses their temper and strikes out at another, damage is done. It doesn’t matter if he meant to leave you with damage to your arm, he took that risk when he pushed you. He owns this, not you. No matter how guilty he tries to make you feel, don’t fall for it.

Imagine it this way: your husband is arguing with your sister (or aunt, or mother, or brother.) He pushes the family member, and they accidentally fall down the stairs. Who’s fault is this? Your husband’s, or the other person’s? If the police become involved, would it be okay for your husband to blame your family? Would you support him in that?

Why are you any different?

Caring about your well-being is wrong?

acrossthesea, please listen.

My father was Army, and used to shove my mom alot - getting his point across or making her listen.

She never paid attention to it until he got angry at my 6 year old brother for waking him up… and put him in the hospital.

The anger and agression he uses against you WILL be used against your children. It’s a spiral that can’t be broken without outside help.

My mother raised me that no man is worth being beaten for, and it was very hard for me to accept that NOT ALL MEN are like that.

My husband, who is Air Force, has never been physical with me. Even though I cringed every time we fought in the beginning. Just knowing that “that’s how you argue” when you’re married.

Just remember that his violence affects more that just you. He is wrong to hurt you, or yell, or push, or make you feel that this is your fault.

Good luck - you’re in my thoughts and prayers.

Care for a male point of view here?

I agree with everything that has been said here. I recently married a woman who had been abused in her previous marriage. You know her here as cadolphin. I’m not telling any great family secrets here, she has told of her experiences here on the board previously.

I have NEVER hit, pushed, shoved, slapped, or abused a woman in any way. If I ever did so I would probably crawl into a hole in my back yard and never come out.

My wife KNOWS I will never abuse her in any way. Yet there was a time when I would reach out gently to stroke her cheek and she would have a violent reaction to my hand coming toward her face.

The point of this? You are being abused. You are exhibiting the classic pattern I’ve seen in so many women, the “battered woman” syndrome. You’re blaming yourself for the actions of the abuser, and justifying the abuse by claiming you caused the problem. Then when it came to reporting the problem, you’re saying it was “no big deal” and “I fell and hurt myself.”

This situation is NOT, as you put it, “to the extreme.” It is for your protection. Face the facts. You are married to an abuser. It’s a classic pattern, you’re caught in the middle of it, and unless YOU act to break the pattern, whether by INTENSE counseling or removing yourself from the situation, I fear you are going to be severely hurt one of these days.

I’ll try to get cadolphin to add what I’ve missed here. But let me leave you with the words of Bob, a former roommate of mine, who was talking with me one day about 25 years ago about my lack of being able to keep a girlfriend for more than 6 months.

Bob said, “Rico, you wanna know my secret to keeping women? You’ve got to knock them around once in a while. Sure, they might leave you for a while. But once you establish who’s the boss, they’ll always be back. May take them a few months, but they’ll come back to you. And you may have to knock them around some more at that point to re-establish who’s the boss. That’s the secret to keeping a woman.”

Please rest assured I do not agree with this view in any way, shape or form. In fact, I abhor it. I bring it up to make a point.

Think very seriously about your future. Your life may depend on it. I wish you the best.

Please let me add my voice to the others telling you that you are being abused. I know that you don’t want to hear us telling you this, but please listen.

I’ve been where you are. I gave excuses also “He had to much to drink” “He didn’t mean it” " He won’t do it again" “I made him angry , it’s my fault”.

It’s not your fault. You don’t control his anger, HE DOES. It won’t go away it will only get worse.

I thought that I couldn’t live without him, no one else would want me. HE told me that and I believed him. But what I figured out is that sooner or later if I stayed with him I wouldn’t be living at all.

Please know that people care about you. If you ever need help my e-mail address is listed.

Well… personally I think you’d really just better bag it re the relationship. Regardless of the interpersonal dynamic you two have and regardless of whether he is the type of person who lashes out physically when frustrated or angry, or you and he simply got right in each other’s faces and he shoved you away is irrelevant at this point. He’s not good for you and you’re not good for him if your arguments are escalating to violence.

It is highly unlikely any form of counseling will change his attitude at this point and based on the vibe of your OP the likelihood of this happening again is probably pretty high.

Not the kind of responses you expected, huh? Looks like you were seeking reinforcement of your self defeating attitude. Therein lies the problem. Honey, you are allowing yourself to be abused. And until you change this behavior the abuse will continue. You need to attend the counseling sessions either with or without him. Good luck.

Another male checking in, with a slightly different take on this.

It sounds like the relationship is abusive. We have no idea what his side of it is, and despite what I’m sure we are about to hear, it is important.

I used to be in a relationship where the girl knew that I would never ever striker her, under any circumstances. So she would slap me during arguements, or raise up her fist as if to punch me.

One day, during an arguement, she slapped me. I pushed her away. She fell across the bed, and after kicking me, started wailing about how she was being abused.

If she told the story, it would sound quite a bit like the one acrossthesea has told… alhtough much less well written, because the girl was insanely stupid.
However, despite this, you both need to be in marriage counseling, and you need to realize that a divorce may be a REALLY good thing for you.

I am really not sure what you are trying to say here. Are you saying that acrossthesea probably hit him first and she is lying?