Normally, something like this would go in the Pit, but I just don’t have the energy to muster up enough vitriol to put it there.
I’ll give you a little backstory first and then proceed on with the main story.
For the past year, I’ve been watching my friends’ marriage falter. The wife hasn’t been happy, but there was a lot of painful stuff going on. Their best friend died early of brain cancer, the wife’s mother died, their dog died, and finally the wife was laid off from her job last spring. Quite a lot to aborb, but I kept listening to her and talking to her. She was clinically depressed. I’m not a doctor, but having suffered the same thing, I knew she was. I kept gently suggesting counseling, but she kept brushing me off.
The hubby and I have been friends with this couple for quite a few years. We were all very close and spent almost all of our free time together as couples and families. We ate in each other’s homes, we went out together, we camped together, we played…everything. We were more like family than friends.
This last June I noticed things really going downhill. I also noticed a certain tenseness in my husband. I saw my friend and husband flirting, but really didn’t think much of it, because we were after all friends who knew everything about each other.
In July, a neighbor had a card party and everyone played and had great time. We drank, we ate, we had great fun. At midnight, everyone decided to go for a swim at the friends’ pool. Hubby of the friend had gone to bed some time ago, but we all decided a nice cooling off was needed. So, we all jumped in the pool. About this time, my hubby decided to go home because he was more than buzzed, and felt it would be best. I followed about 10 minutes later. Once I arrived home, he discovered he’d forgotten his glasses, and went back to friend’s house to retrieve them. Imagine his surprise when (and pain, which I’ll get into later) when he discovered friend and roomate of neighbor making out.
She called the next morning all in tears and spoke to my husband. She claimed they were drunk and she’d told the guy that it was all a mistake and it would never happen again. I couldn’t understand the depth of my husband’s anger at the time. I know I was sorely disappointed in her behaviour, but thought “well, everyone was really lit” and people make stupid mistakes, I’m not going to throw her under the bus over this". I struggled with it, and felt I was being disloyal to her husband, but truly hoped it was a mistake. She didn’t know that I knew.
Fast forward to two weeks ago. Friend drops bomb on her hubby by telling him she didn’t love him, didn’t know if she had EVER loved him, and wasn’t at all attracted to him. Again, she spent countless hours on the phone with my husband, but her husband was over here as well, talking to us, and I thought as good friends it was part of the deal to listen, not take sides, and help him through his pain. The same went for his wife. My husband and I were both devastated and I kept hoping that somehow things could be worked out.
Friday, the friend told her husband that she wasn’t ready for marriage counseling, but she wanted to try individual counseling first. In my mind, this was a good first step. Little did I know of the truth…
Saturday, she went up with her youngest child to spend the weekend with her Dad and get some time away from the “center” of the situation. Her hubby stayed home with their eldest child. We watched the eldest child while his Dad took care of some errands.
Through all of this, I kept thinking of how extreme my husband’s reaction to all of the above had been. Don’t get me wrong, he’s got a heart, and when you’re a friend or someone in need he’ll do what it takes. Then came the bombshell from him to me. He told me that he and my so-called friend had been carrying on (up until July) quite a heavy flirtation. Nothing happened, but my husband had started to have feelings for her. I was definitely hurt. I told him that I wasn’t going to throw our marriage away over this, if he wanted it to work. He then felt it was necessary to be honest with the husband of my friend. He also leveled abou the incident in the pool with the neighbor’s roommate. He felt he had to tell about that portion because he said up until then he thought the “flirtation” between him and the friend could have gone further. The husband of the friend was devastated and immediately called his wife back home. She called here hysterical because she had wanted to be the one to tell him about pool incident and her flirtation with my husband. My husband had enough and wanted the truth out as far his involvement was concerned because he was tired of waiting for her to be honest. It seemed it was all about “her” pain, no one else.
Yesterday, more revelations came. The friend (I don’t know why I keep calling her that) admitted to her husband that she carried on a seven-week affair with the guy she messed around with in July. I found out through my husband that she called here all the time. I found out that she was flashing her underwear and making comments to him all the time about her state of dress. She usually called while I was gone. I told my husband about her affair with the other guy. His reaction made me feel sick, because it was extreme. At least in my mind, he still had some sort of feelings for her. He’s now extremely angry and doesn’t want to ever see her again. Frankly, at this point, I want nothing to do with her either. Twisted as it sounds, she screwed with my husband’s heart, and it makes me angry. Her husband of course, and rightly so, has been deeply hurt by my husband and doesn’t want anything to do with him. I am caught in the middle. Her husband did call to speak to me the other night, but has told mutual friends he can’t talk to me anymore because it’s too painful for him. I understand him, I really do…but I am in a world of pain here. He was like the brother I never had.
An eight year friendship is gone…a marriage is gone…and worse, they have kids who don’t understand any of this. My husband doesn’t feel their kids should come over because he doesn’t want to see her. The kids (both ours and theirs), myself, and her husband, are all innocent bystanders in this who have been run down by a semi.
Through all of this, it’s been all about “her” pain. She couldn’t see the pain she was causing her husband (all before the truth was revealed). Now, the ca-ca has hit the fan and she wants her marriage to work. :dubious: But first, she has to get over her feelings for the guy she was messing around with. She was nothing more than a booty-call to him. She’s thrown EVERYTHING away, and left a mess.
Her husband is leaving for Minnesota to spend a week with his Mom.
I told my husband I can forgive, but I need time to work through the betrayal and loss I feel right now. He knows and understands that.
There’s really much more than what I’ve written, and long as this is, I’ve tried to condense a lot of it.
All I know is that I feel bereft. I know that time will heal some of this, but I just can’t believe what a flippin’ soap opera my life has just become.
I hope that someday the husband will forgive my husband. Even if he does, the friendship will never be the same. The bonds of trust have been broken. I hope the husband will call me one last time so we can both have some closure. I won’t call him, because I don’t want to cause him anymore pain. It still hurts me though.
