I don’t know when I’ll be able to come back here again so I thought I’d let all you people know what happened:
My husband pushed me last might into a plastic thing on our wall and my back got cut. The police were called, I was taken care of at the hospital, I stayed at a friend’s house last night and they decided now to send me away by myself.
Good? Wrong.
My husband (M)'s 1st sergeant is apparently a woman hater. He told me this is all my fault. He had me locked out of my house this morning because I might damage M’s stuff. He now has decided I am no longer allowed in my house at all, I have to stay in the on base hotel. M is not getting punished. But I am! I was warned if I touch M’s stuff I’ll go to jail. I never threatened to touch his stuff. M’s 1st sergant keeps talking to me in this horrible “be a good girl” kind of demeaning tone implying I am going to do stuff I never threatened to do. They are shipping me to the US to wherever I can go (probably my grandmother in NY…it’s not a very safe situation but my best friend is across the street, and that’s my city). They’re trying to pressure me into not taking my stuff. I AM NEVER ALLOWED TO TALK TO MY STEPKIDS AGAIN for fear I might kill them. (wtf!!!)
I have wounds on my back and my head. You people here know the various other wounds I’ve accumulated in the past.
This is horrible! And my friend here says that the same or similar happened to her and her husband too. The wife got blamed and punished. This 1st sergeant told me this is my fault.
They gave me appointments tomorrow morning so I can’t call my family or friends in the states because the times conflict. This guy also lectured me “You say you have a good memory but you missed sppointments in the past.” This man does not even know me.
How can the military treat the spouses like this, or is it just my husband’s particular supervisors? I’ve complained to all the normal people but they all agree with this. There’s nothing anyone can do.
I don’t know when I can use a computer again but I’ll try to find one somewhere around here. I am very scared.
Sorry if this belongs in the pit, I tried to keep it toned down.
Hon, the same sort of thing happened to me when I finally left my husband. The only difference was the military didn’t have anything to do with it.
I know it’s really hard for you to hear this at this point… It was impossible for me to hear it at the time… but the BEST thing you can do is to just go!
Don’t worry about any of your things. Just get the F out of there while you are still alive and don’t have any more serious injuries then you do.
If you want to chat, I just turned my aim on. Or you can email me.
The biggest thing you need to hear right now is
IT"S NOT YOUR FAULT
The other thing you need to hear is
YOUR LIFE IS IN DANGER. GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN
I’m sending you strength to mix with your own, prayers and good thoughts.
So have you been to the police on-base yet or not (I gather from your post that you are living on a military base)? Forget about your husband’s supervisors, go straight to the MPs, explain that a crime has been committed against you and say that if action is not taken, you’ll have to retain a lawyer. You want your stuff back and you want charges filed, right? I know things are different in the military, but this should be basic. IANAL or a servicemember though.
From a male perspective: RUN, do not walk! Run as quickly as you can from that toxic situation. I understand that you care for your stepchildren, but care for yourself has to take #1 priority.
Let us know what is going on when you can, but in the interim-be safe and be well. ((HUGS))
None of this is your fault. I hope you realize that.
You need to do two things as fast as possible.
Go to JAG. Ask them for advice on what to do next to protect yourself from the situation getting ugly. Tell them the whole story. As long as you are still married, then you eligible for their help.
Go to the IGs office and/or CID office. Tell him the situation about your 1st sergeant. I know this is a difficult time, but it is imperative that you go and discuss the situation because if this were to happen again to another person, this ass would be able to do it again. It is about time he had a full military investigation pulled over on his head.
Sorry, I posted before I was done.
If you are living on a military post overseas, they can revoke your command sponsorship at any time for anything, even if it is not your fault. The best thing you can do is contact family services RIGHT NOW, and the abuse counselor on post before they try to send you off. It is their job to stand up for your rights until you are sent away. You also need to get a report from the MPs to find out what exactly it says in the report…Your statements and your husband’s statements. If you find out that your husband has made an erroneous statement to the MPs about what went on, then you will know why your 1st sergeant is acting the way he is. Also, you need to find out exactly what is going on through your company commander. He has to know what is going on right now, and usually the commander will give you the straight scoop as to why he is revoking your command sponsorship.
The MOST important thing to remember is to find out what is in the MP report, because if it says anything you disagree with, you need to find out now so you can bring that to the attention of JAG and IG.
Remember, it is not your fault, and the military always sees it as gulity until proven innocent. Stay away from your spouse and the kids even though it is difficult right now. By taking care of yourself now, you are doing what is best for your stepkids and yourself. Good luck.
Something tells me the military police doesn’t exactly favour spousal abuse, so that’s step one. Since you mention “the police” in your post, I’m assuming the Japanese authorities have already been involved. If the MP doesn’t want to do anything for you, travel to the nearest American consulate and let them mediate. Whatever you do, don’t go back to that son of a bitch, even if the opportunity offers itself. Don’t wait for the military to ship you out, take action yourself, and get your butt back to the States as soon as you can. Again, the consulate might be of help.
Everyone here has offered great advice, but I think Coldfire has it on the nose. Maybe the consulate has more pull. But if there isn’t a safer place you can go while this gets sorted out, it’s time to go. Don’t fool yourself into thinking otherwise. You can send some mail to the kids later, if you can send it through a friend so there isn’t a postmark on it. My email’s in my profile if you need an ear.
Thank you all for your words of kindness. Yeah, they are basically trying to get rid of my command spnsorship within the week because they made me stay at billeting (the on base hotel) at M’s expense but like the 1st sgt told me “its expensive! He can’t afford to pay for you to stay more than a week!” Oh poor him! Can’t afford it! Bleh, that idiot 1st sgt tells me I should find a friend on base to stay with so M wont have to pay. I only have two close friends here and they both have families with lots of kids and no room. And one of them even said, “no. stay at billeting. make him pay.”
I don’t know what JAGs or IGs are, I think thats what theyre called on naval bases? I’m guessing they are some sort of legal people though. The air force has equivalent, I dont get to go until thursday because they have weird hours and I was given conflicting appointments for wednesday already. But I’m going to find out what I can. The family advocacy people are involved but they proved in the past to be pretty uselss. If I do need help I will contact the US embassy. I am a citizen, I have a passport, and since I am not divorced yet I also have a military id card! So I must be assisted by somebody in getting out of here.
The Japanese police werent involved because it happened on base. The military poilce did file a report and take pictures of my injuries. M wasnt arrested though because he had to stay with the kids. They cant do much because his commander is apparently higher than them, but my friend wants to help me get to the legal office and fight this. There are many women here, including that friend, who are getting beaten regularly AND REPORTING IT and nothing gets done. That is life here I guess. I dont know is all the military is like this or just overseas bases, or even just this base, which has a bad reputation and startling high rate for suicide, abuse, and divorce among all air force bases.
This place I am at is going to close in a minute so I will have to go, I will get here tomorrow though and update again and email those of you who mentioned that, I have no access to a computer until tomorrow. And I do not have access to aim from a public computer. So I will keep you posted as soon as I can.
JAGs are Judges Advocate General, the military’s legal-assistance office. They have the authority to prosecute crimes against the UCMJ and against applicable American law. IGs are Inspectors General, who are directly responsible for overseeing specific commands to make sure they comply with the UCMJ and American law. Both of these offices are tremendous resources.
That being said, you’ve got some hard choices to make. Although spousal abuse isn’t your fault, you do have control over your physical whereabouts. Do you really want to live with a man who’s already demonstrated his willingness to hurt you? If he is, in fact, beating you, then GET OUT! Take the kids back to the US and make a fresh start of things.
I know, it’s a hard thing to deal with, and I’m not trying to make light of it. However, only you can take the first step in not being a victim.
There are a lot of good posts in here to help you on your way. Another good place to start is at theFamily Advocacy center. I know the air force has these also. If at all possible, don’t talk to them over the phone, if someone can take you there, or if you have transportation you will get much better service. They have counselors there, and they can also help with pointing you in the right direction to what help you need now. As far as your husband not being able to afford you staying in billeting right now, don’t worry about that. Make sure you make it completely clear to his commander and everyone else that you are not leaving until you have all of your legal ducks in a row. All military personnel are capable of going to their payroll office and taking out an advance in pay. This is basically a loan that comes straight out of his paycheck which is paid back over a 12 or 24 month period. If he doesn’t like the idea of having to do this, tough shit…He shouldn’t have raised his hand to you in the first place.
If you are getting the runaround, go talk to your primary care provider (doctor) to see if he can help. They are trained to help you, and will do all that is in their power to make sure you are safe.
As a last resort…It seems like spousal abuse is something that is swept under the rug at your base. You or one of the other spouses that live on post need to take a simple step that will straighten out all of these idiots that are not helping out the victims. Call your congressman and tell them what is going on!!! Congress has the ability and power to call a “congressional inquiry”. Basically they crawl up every ass on base to make sure noone is screwing around. One post that we were stationed at about 5 years ago had this problem, a congressional inquiry was called, and three general officers lost their commission because they were not following procedure for spousal battery. This is the best way to make sure it does not happen to anyone else…And good luck once again.
From a female perspective: I AGREE WITH danceswithcats these people are doing you a favor whether you feel it or not…your stuff can be replaced - your life and sanity can not…Run like the wind and be greatful this monster is not holding you back.
If your stepchildren love you they will find you wherever you are, don’t worry. I’m sure deep down they would like to see you leave and get out of that horrible situation also!
1stSgt is an asshole? He has a boss. Go to the CO. Not satisfied?
GET TO BASE LEGAL. NO EXCUSES. Not satisfied?
Call/fax your home US Representative. Only after you have exhausted local commands, though. Post your hometown here in this thread, and we can get you their e-mail address and even write the damned e-mail FOR you. A CONGRINT (Congressional Investigation) should be used as a last resort, but it makes heads spin all the way up the chain of command.
If the legal eagles give you the same BS about the CO outranking the military police, again, get yer ass to an American consulate or embassy.
Without going into detail, I don’t hold US military law and its apllication in high esteem, and for a reason. You’re better off in the hands of the diplomatic representation intended for citizens, 'cause that’s what you are.
As has been mentioned in many posts already, you do have resources.
It is important to go through the chain of command. 1SGT, Company Commander, Brigade Commander, all the way to the Post or Base Commander. When working your way up the chain of command, make sure you have documentation showing you’ve been at the previous level and nothing was done. When you leave each level get a memorandum signed by the appropriate person at that level showing what you brought to their attention. Ask them to put in writing what they plan to do about it. Again, make sure it is in WRITING. The military is HUGE on written documentation as proof.
In addition, make sure that EVERYTHING is documented and that copies are provided to the JAG/SJA and the IG.
Finally, after going through the chain of command, write your congressman or woman and get a congressional started. Trust me, things WILL happen once your congressman/woman is involved.
I am not a lawyer, however, I do work for the military and believe me, documentation is your key.
Here’s a site that has a few resources you can use in your situation. Check out the home page too. Remember that you don’t deserve to be hurt. Especially by M. Start taking care of yourself and then you can start seeing what you can do for your stepkids. And ignore what that jerk of a 1st sergeant says. He’s not the one being beaten, is he? http://incestabuse.about.com/gi/dynamic/offsite.htm?site=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.dvsheltertour.org%2Flinks.html
I don’t know if this’ll help but you might want to check it out. It deals with spousal abuse by military personnel and what YOU should do in this event.
“Command notification: Family Advocacy Program officials notify unit commanders of reported spouse abuse. The commander has the authority under the Uniform Code of Military Justice to protect the victim while the report is investigated.”
If you’re posting here because you want to say you don’t believe acrossthesea maybe this isn’t the place for it.
Pit her if you feel you must and call bullshit, but I think anyone should question the sheer hubris of anyone 100% convinced right now that she is not an abused woman because if there’s still 1% doubt left, you are most certainly being a jerk and an asshole to pipe-up and criticize here.
Coming from a long term abusive relationship, I know that sometimes my reasoning made no sense to someone who wasn’t in my situation. I know some of you think that because there has been helpful information offered her failure to take it suggests something.
Perhaps this isn’t the place or the time for righteousness.
acrossthesea please consider using some of these suggestions, and I wish and prey for all the best for you.
