Marital Rant (LONG)

The BBQ Pit
1

So here’s what happened to me tonight.

As my husband and I are eating dinner, I ask him what’s happening with Jerald. This man is our wedding videographer (we got married almost 7 months ago). In early June, Jerald said he was almost finished editing our video and would call us when it was done. Since then, no word, and he’s not returning our calls or emails. I confirmed this with my husband.

“So, seven months ago we gave this guy hundreds of dollars to do work that he has not yet done, and now we can’t get ahold of him, and you think that’s ok?” I said.

“No, I don’t. I will call him tomorrow.”

“And say what? You should be calling him every day. We should be telling him we’re going to report him to the Chamber of Commerce. He is screwing us over. We need to get agressive.”

“I will call him tomorrow. I hope to speak with him. If I don’t, I will examine the options for trying to find a way to speak to him.” (In husband-speak, this means he’ll send another “aggressive” email or leave an equally “aggressive” voicemail saying “what’s up?”)

He suddenly switched subjects. “You know, this is not an effective way to communicate with me. Getting angry at me is not going to solve this problem.”

“I am not trying to get angry with you. I am trying to show you what this guy has done, so you will get angry with him, like I am. I think he’s screwing us. How can I communicate with you to get you to fix this?”

This is when he threw his plate of food (homemade fajitas) at the wall behind the kitchen table.

“I can’t just fucking tell you how to do it. Just fucking back off ok? Can you fucking do that? Or are you too stupid?”

I looked at him stunned for a moment. This happens to me a lot … I get really confused and have so many things swirling around in my head that I am sort of paralyzed and can’t say anything. The main thought was that I couldn’t grasp how a 26-year-old man had just thrown his food at the wall, it was now dripping down all over the floor and making a huge disgusting mess, and he was calling me stupid. After a few seconds of stunned silence on my part, he agreed with himself: “Yes, I can see you are too fucking stupid, that’s what I thought.”

I then looked wistfully at the bowl of fajita fillings still on the table. Full of chicken and vegetables, spices and sauce, very messy. I picked it up for a second and longed to throw it on the floor, thinking then I would earn his praise and perhaps get to be smart like him. But I couldn’t do it. I put it back down.

A few minutes later, he had also thrown something (I don’t know what, as I had left the room) at the dry-erase board near our table, knocking it to the floor and scattering knick-knacks from the table beneath. Somewhere in there, a glass of milk also got tossed, so there is milk EVERYWHERE.

I am still just kind of stunned. I honestly don’t know how a grown man can think it is ok for him to treat me like this. Yelling orders in my face like that (“back off, just fucking back off!”) and also calling me stupid (this is by no means the worst he’s called me)… I just don’t think I deserve this. And the thing is, there’s no escape. I could pussyfoot around all day and night, and still it wouldn’t be good enough for him. I am almost in tears now as I write this, I just don’t understand how he can think this is acceptable.

FUCK. And it’s only Monday …

2

(((((bruetter))))

could something else be bothering him?

I do not have anything to add here. just letting you know there is an ear out here when you feel like ranting.

Osip

3

Uh, if it were me, I’d bale like quick. A normal adult doesn’t take a conversation into flinging shit around. That is very childish. Not child-like which is more along the lines of whimsy and fun. This is childish and potentially dangerous. How long before he’s looking at flinging things at you?

I’m sorry but this is just scary because this kind of shit is the precursor to more harmful physical abuse. You better square this with him now or get your ass out of there. Hey, just my two cents and all but what you are describing is really, really scarey.

My very best to you
Byz

4

Don’t cry over spilled milk.
Hehe. Now, that I got that out of the way.

I don’t really have anything to add either.

I surely think this is something you have to talk about with him, his temper and acceptable ways to resolve a dispute. (here is a hint for him, throwing food at the wall is unacceptable, talking it out is acceptable.)

pat

5

Let me state up front that I am taking no sides, I know next to nothing about the situation. I merely seek to help the sexes communicate. So, on that note, very sexist generalizations follow:

Men, as you may have noticed, think and communicate in ways very different from those of women. Example: getting lost while driving. Women view getting lost as something that just happens, a blameless happenstance. Stopping and asking directions, then, is no big deal. To a male, however, getting lost means that, in his mind, he, the person who is supposed to be in control, has failed. Stopping and asking directions would be putting his failure on display. The advice of the female in the passenger seat serves only to remind him that he has failed, and he gets angrier.

Now, you probably see where I’m going with this. You believe, quite rightly, that the problem lies with the fellow who isn’t returning your messages. Your husband, however, interprets your advice on how to deal with him as an indictment: in his mind, he has failed, and your advice, well-intended though it may be, only reminds him of that. As a result, he gets nasty and hostile. He felt like you were accusing him of not taking care of things.

Regardless, throwing food around is clearly out of line; I hope he’s apologized by now.

Like I said, I know nothing about y’all, and this isn’t intended to be a critique of the sexes, nor am I calling you a “nag” or anything like that. I’m just hoping that you’ll mull over the above and see where he’s coming from.

6

Brunetter, when I was married, my ex had all kinds of ways of showing his displeasure in the most bizarre ways.

Ahem… we were sitting eating supper one night when all of a sudden he gets up and starts pulling the fridge drawers out and dumping them into the garbage. I ask what the problem is, he just continues to storm back and forth dumping everything. I had gone grocery shopping that day so the fridge was full. I take our son who is by this time crying at the commotion his dad is causing and we leave and head out for a walk. The ex decides to join us on this walk and tells me that I had no right to put an onion and a tomatoe in the same drawer and that I’m stupid.

I walk along thinking about how absurd this is. He brought that nite up several times while we were still married. I never did find out what triggered it, but apparently one should never put a tomatoe and an onion in the same drawer.

Sometimes I wish there was a button on the forehead that we could push and a printout would slide out telling us what is really going on in the human brain.

7

This is seriously not good Brunnetter. Can I give you a hug (considering I am a total delurking stranger and all <G>)

IMO this kind of violence in an adult relationship is TOTALLY unacceptable and that includes the name calling. If I were to remain married to a person who felt this was an OK way to carry on I would make it a condition of the marriage continuing that he goes and gets some form of counselling that includes anger management skills. I would look seriously at what the fuck I was doing remaining married to a man who will do this.

Mr Primaflora once did a prima donna and punched a hole in the door. I threw him out and insisted he do an anger management course. We are still together 10 years on and he doesn’t use his fists on the walls anymore… And he has never used them on me.

Is it possible for you guys to talk about what happened and for you to find out what the hell he thought he was doing? If he thinks what he did was in the realm of remotely acceptable behaviour, run, don’t walk.

Primaflora

8

I agree with the difference between the sexes and how they deal with problems, but throwing things that will cause damage (even if it’s just spoiling a meal, but this sounds like worse than that), and then not feeling sorry for it seems like a pretty ordinary thing to do. I’m not married, but I’ve sat through (as an innocent bystander) a number of scenes like the one you described, and I believe most men do not have an ‘auto-asshole’ switch which compels them to act badly - they make the choice to do it, and then the choice to try to make amends or not. I obviously don’t know your partner, so I can’t comment on his personality, but by the tone of your post, you’re very upset about it, and if he’s not able to acknowledge that, even if he was 100% right, maybe he needs to have someone speak to him about having respect for other people’s feelings. The most hurtful thing I’ve ever heard someone say (a father to his tearful daughter) was ‘No I did not upset you!’.

I’m sorry if I’m not being very comforting - I just want to refute the idea that ‘men are just like that’. I really hope that everything works out well for you.

HenrySpencer.

9

You’re only married seven months and you’re already “pussyfooting” around him?

I rarely respond to posts like this (I’m not a psychologist or counselor), but your husband sounds a lot like my first husband. I pussyfooted for 27 years. (He’s dead, but I didn’t kill him.)

If he won’t agree to anger management counseling, then consider your options. Leaving would be one of them.

People rarely change their behavior without an incentive. Staying married to you is an incentive.

Please let us know how things turn out – and feel free to talk here. If you’re like I was, you’re too ashamed to talk about it to friends and relatives.

Here’s a hug {{brunetter}} – I’ve never given a Doper a hug before. Feels nice.

10

Brunetter, what follows is just my two cents.

I don’t care how angry he was, this was uncalled for. I can honestly say that in twenty-two years the LIONsob has not thrown food during an argument. I did however see my dad and step dad do so. I don’t play that game.

  1. Don’t clean up the mess, if he wants to do smething like that , let it sit there until he decides to clean it up. It used to piss me off so bad to have to clean up the mess my dad or step dad made like that, or to watch my mom do it. They never stoped doing it either.

  2. You need to let him know now that talking to you the way he did is unacceptable. If you don’t he may very well keep it up. No one deserves to be talked to like that.

I second the advice that he needs some type of anger control management counseling. Sometimes, not always, but sometimes when people start doing things like that it can just be the opening act for throwing another peron against a wall, I have seen it happen to a lot of women. Please be careful

The above is JMHO, I am sorry he acted that way toward you, but if you don’t let him know now you won’t take it, then don’t expect him not to do it again.

{{{{{{{{brunetter}}}}}}}}}

11

First, {{{{{{brunetter}}}}}}}

Second, my only advice is to get counseling for both of you, and then LEAVE. If you’re pussyfooting around after only 7 months, and he calls you worse than stupid, then he is abusive. And it may/will turn physical too. I’m sorry to be harsh on this, but I honestly believe that is your best choice.

Falcon

12

After the above posts… again… bail. This isn’t normal or adult. It’s childish and scary. Considering that you are talking about something that really shouldn’t be that big of a deal.

Bail.

Sorry.

But this is really, (again) really scary behavior.

Adults get mad and angry. We might swear and curse but in the end we discuss. I don’t go flinging ANYTHING around to show or demonstrate my anger. I talk it out as I think most adults do. This isn’t a “male” thing as much as it is just a childish thing.

Anyone who uses physical violence to express anger needs more help than you are able to give.

Again,
my very best to you,
(duck, cover, bail)
Byz

13

AMEN.

He made the mess, it’s his job to clean it up.

If he starts in on how “you made him mad, so you made him throw the food,” either throw him out or leave (whichever is the more doable option), then call him and demand that he get anger counselling and that you both get marriage counselling.

I have felt the anger he expressed when my wife has told me that I had to handle something differently and I was already at my wits end trying to handle it. Feeling anger is not, however, exploding in stupid rage or abusing the other person. (I’m sure that I have angered my wife, as well.) I have never called my wife names or acted violently and I cannot imagine the conditions in which I might do either.

Your husband has one specific problem and you two, as a couple, have a different ('though perhaps related) problem. Neither problem will be resolved by allowing him to act violently.

14

I gotta go with the above sage advice: Run Don’t Walk!

If you don’t end this behavior here and now you are in for a lifetime of it.
People treat you how you let them.

7 months?
In too short a time you will know longer be who you are. Who will you be after years of this?

Your concern should not be about how he can consider this acceptable, the real question is how can you?

15

I agree with you totally Byz!!

16

CanadianSue – your agreement with this means more to me than I can possible say…

It is NEVER okay to express anger with violent physical action. Ever. Okay, sure, if you are four years old MAYBE… but after that… get a grip. Be an adult. Deal with frustration. Adults just accept and move on.

17

Ok here’s the update.

After a few hours apart, he HAS apologized. (Also, for those who mentioned cleaning up, he’s done that too … I NEVER clean up his messes for him.) I guess to his mind he feels everything is resolved. I disagree.

After talking to Pepperlandgirl (after seeing this post she found me on ICQ, thanks PLG!) I think I know what I am going to do.

My husband is moving out at the end of the month, for unrelated reasons - he is going away to school. After about 10 months he should be finished and looking for a job, at which point I will be moving to join him.

But before I do … I will DEMAND that he get counselling. Or I simply won’t move.

I am not ready to leave him yet … I feel he deserves a chance to change himself with counselling, I am not making excuses for him but he has never known any other way and so I am willing to give him this chance.

I have to say that I don’t often pussyfoot around him. This is because I agree with many of you that my behaving that way would just make the situation worse, in that he would think it is ok for him to act this way. I let him know each and every time that this is not the case: I am hurt, I am angry, I am confused. And I am who I am … I will not “lessen” or censor who I am to avoid this anger.

I think the one thing that really hit home with your comments here is the post from tomndebb. It’s nice to hear a man’s view here, saying that he has felt anger and NOT reacted in the way I have described my husband’s reactions.

Two specific comments: Osip, yes he does have a lot else on his mind. His mother has stage 4 cancer, at least one of us is there every day taking care of her and her two young sons; he is moving away in a month; he is in the process of selling our business; his entire life is about to drastically change when he moves; and of course he will have to be without his wife for a year. Wait a minute … let’s review that list … yes, it looks like ALL those things apply to me too! I know that people “change” when they are stressed, etc. But at some point, that ceases to be an excuse. I am sick of hearing him use that as a reason for me to forgive him, when meanwhile I’ve got all the same issues and I have to be the strong one. Sorry to bite off your head but I’ve just heard that line one too many times.

Canadian Sue … girl, I can totally relate. I’ve been chewed out on subjects pretty much as relevant as that.
BTW thanks EVERYONE for the hugs. I loved them all. Sorry this reply is so long. Ok I’m done.

18

Brunetter:

I suppose it’s possible that there are other mitigating factors that you haven’t told us about, so what I have to say below is based on only what you have said. However, I cannot conceive of mitigating circumstances that would make me change what I’m about to type.

It sounds very much like you need to remove yourself from that situation at least temporarily. While I will openly admit that I sometimes get angry with my wife, and she sometimes gets angry with me, we have never expressed our anger like this. This is an extreme reaction for the circumstances you have outlined. It sounds extremely unhealthy. If he has called you “fucking stupid” and worse, and thrown breakable things in a fit of pique, it is time to be out of the way. Were you in striking distance of my house, I would offer you a place to crash tonight so that you could leave NOW.

I Am Not A Psychologist or any other type of mental-health professional, but it sounds very much like your husband needs to learn to deal with his emotions better. There are people who can help him with this, and there are people who can help you to not be around, too.

Please, find a place to go. Keep in touch with us all. I don’t know if there is any way I can be of help from So. California, but please let me know if there is, and I will help to the best of my ability.

I’m sure this will be hard for both of you, but you cannot afford to live in fear of this man, or any man.

19

Well, at least it was a GOOD simulpost.

I’m happy to hear that you are determined to see him get some counselling. I wish there weren’t so many rotten things happening in your lives right now. I hope it all works out.

All that said, though, the VERY NEXT time ANYTHING like this happens, GET OUT. Make sure he knows that you will do this. Make sure that you do not tell him where you will go, only that it will be someplace safe. Do not look back.

20

I’m sorry, but an apology and anger management don’t seem to be enough. Yeah, his tantrum was definitely OTT, but so is the kind of verbal abuse it sounds like you’re subjected to regularly. Find a center for abused women…talk to one of their staff…get some professional counseling of your own, and let THAT help you decide whether you should leave.