Marital Rant (LONG)

The BBQ Pit
21

I, for one think that the correct decision has been made.

Brunetter is a big girl and doesn’t need a shelter to tell her whether she’s being abused, or whether anger management will help her. Leaving him is definitely a bit rash.

Give him a chance to cool off today, and for a bit, see if things don’t improve. If he has lied about seeking help, and the abuse continues, leave the sucker!

IMO, there’s no reason to be so rash as to leave him over this. He acted like a child, yes. He’s being quite abusive, yes. Will he change? Maybe. Will he try? I certainly hope so. If not, should you leave him? yes.

Hang in there Brunetter, and make sure you keep him to his promise. Please don’t let him walk on you.

Keep your chin up! :slight_smile:

-Sam

22

Your husband sounds like my father, and that’s not a good thing. At least Dad has never threatened, insulted, blown up at, or thrown things at Mom - that’s what we were for.

Be on your guard and stand up to him. That’s what I eventually had to do to my dad.

23

Brunetter, hon . . .

My parents were fighting like that when they were engaged. Not throwing shit, but they got pissed at eachother. I don’t know what changed them, but I once heard this . . .

don’t go to bed mad at eachother.

you sound like my mother. nobody likes to be prodded like that when they’re eating. let him eat. the most annoying thing my mother does is to tell me to do stuff when I am relaxing.

That said, think of yourself in his position. this is an issue of control, and he can’t control it. Why don’t you talk to the guy yourself? You’re certainly not busy the whole day or I wouldn’t ever see you online.

Good luck :slight_smile: And remember you can always gripe at me.

24

I think some of the more politically correct among the posters here have gone a little over the top.

There’s too much quitting and bailing out going on in this world, in my humble. From the posts I see here, sounds like it’s pretty much standard response.

That said, what he did is unacceptible. He’s apologized; see if he’s sincere. If he’s not, if the pattern continues and there’s a risk of physical harm to yourself or continued emotional abuse, and HE won’t recognize it or take steps to fix it, then leave.

Frankly, from my review of your account, the thing I would be most concerned about was not the food-throwing, but him calling you stupid. If that’s the way he feels, he doesn’t value who you are like a spouse should. If that’s really the way he feels, sorry hon, but your marriage probably is doomed. If it’s not the way he feels, you should ask him to explore why that would be something he said to you.

I hope everything works out for ya.

25

Quick thought I had regarding Milossarian’s post.

I have said things when fighting with people I regard as close to me that weren’t so much directed at them as me venting anger about other stuff. Your husband probably got going and saw no reason to stop. I’d be willing to beet he’s got things going on he hasn’t told you. While that isn’t technically right of him, in every marriage there are things the husband doesn’t know and things the wife doesn’t know. He may be really worried about something and doesn’t want to bother you with it. He may see this photographer guy as a threat to his manhood etc.

26

Okay, I admit I’m in a bad mood anyway, so I apologize in advance.

GaWd and Milo -

WHAT THE FUCK! You have someone who is throwing food, is constantly telling someone they are stupid and/or worse, and this is NOT abusive??? BULLSHIT! My parents have done the same fucking thing for years, and they are emotionally abusive. So is this husband. I do NOT believe in giving that many chances. I worked at a abused women’s shelter. I saw what “giving him another chance” did. There’s walking out for no reason, and then there’s running to save yourself.

27

Falcon:

Never said it wasn’t an abusive episode.

The incident, in and of itself, does not indicate this guy will be a wife-beater or an emotional abuser. It’s certainly a warning sign, and Brunetter should definitely expect some behavioral changes right quick.

I just don’t buy the “run for your life, never look back, go to a women’s shelter” stuff. If you do, I am absolutely certain there are THOUSANDS out there who think just like ya. So maybe I’m the kook.

28

{{{{{{{{{{{Brunetter}}}}}}}}}}

Sorry there isn’t more I can do, but I am praying for you and sending you all the positive energy I can.

Scotti

29

My thoughts exactly. He asks if you’re too stupid to figure something out and then says, “yes, you are too stupid.” WTF??? Fuck that.

I certainly hope that he’s never said anything to make you feel like you were inferior or worthless before. That’s a type of abuse that’s easy to hide, easy to “forgive”, and difficult to forget, and if you get used to it, you’re going to play hell relearning how to feel good about yourself and give yourself credit for a job/day/life well done. A mental abuser may not even realize that he/she is being abusive, especially when they can apologize and not have to look at the bruises they left. To them, it’s over, to you, it’s still a tender wound.

Again, I hope against hope this hasn’t happened before, and I pray it doesn’t happen again. If it does, though, please do consider why you married this man and if the loss of your sense of self is worth having him as a husband.

30

Brunetter,

Please please please, listen to this one thing:

Dont have kids with him.

You are a grown up, and you dont mind this kind of treatment, that is your perogative. But should you bear this man a boy-child, someday he will treat someone elses girl-child exactly the same.

And what if the next time he loses his temper it is a baby he shakes, or throws, or yells at, telling them they are ‘fucking stupid’.

Get out, stay, whatever, but please please please dont force a child into this mess.

Disturbing quotes from this thread:
**“I can’t just fucking tell you how to do it. Just fucking back off ok? Can you fucking do that? Or are you too stupid?”
** Oh my god.

I take our son who is by this time crying at the commotion his dad is causing and we leave and head out for a walk. This is you Brunetter in a few years, terrible image isnt it?

**In too short a time you will know longer be who you are. Who will you be after years of this? ** Think HARD about that one.

**I am not ready to leave him yet … I feel he deserves a chance to change himself with counselling, ** You cant change people. He is 26, he IS who he IS. Do you think you are the first woman to think they could ‘fix’ a bad man?
**At least Dad has never threatened, insulted, blown up at, or thrown things at Mom - that’s what we were for. **
Jeesis Matt! I dont know what to say to that.

**you sound like my mother. nobody likes to be prodded like that when they’re eating. let him eat. the most annoying thing my mother does is to tell me to do stuff when I am relaxing. ** This isnt her fault for ‘prodding him when he is eating’. Oh my god! Jump into this decade! Abuse isnt the victims fault. If she had done the same shit to a child, would you blame the child??? This isnt about the meal, it is about the fact that he treats her like a worthless peice of shit.
**A mental abuser may not even realize that he/she is being abusive, especially when they can apologize and not have to look at the bruises they left. ** well said.

Brunetter, you have only 7 months invested in this marriage, you probably think it would be embarassing to leave him. Know what?? It will. And you get over it.

Here is how I know…
I was married about 3.4 months, and I was about 3 months pregnant when I left my first husband. It wasnt a civilized parting. I escaped.
He started with stuff like you describe, then he would drink in the dark and wake me up to yell at me about bizarre stuff, then he would harass me for sex after a 10 hour shift (remember I was 3 months pregnant), it was all a pattern of abuse that was systematically reducing me to nothing. I fantasized about killing myself after the baby was born. I went so far as to make him agree to give the baby to Mom if anything happened to me.If I tried to leave, he would sabatoge the car (MY car) and as we lived in the boonies, I couldnt get far on foot.

I tried to call for a ride, he would tear the phone from the wall, I tried to lock him out, he kicked the door down.

I didnt know what to do. If I left, what would I do about the baby? Money? The shame of the monumental failure…? I was too embarased to let anyone kow how bad it was.

One might, he tormented me to the point where I began to scream at him, I felt tearing pains and I thought I was losing the baby. He continued to rant and yell at me, driving at crazy speeds, making me beg him to slow down. We made it home and he took the car keys and got out…
I watched from the passenger seat till he got to the door, I locked all the doors, and pulled out the extra set of keys he didnt know I had. I was so scared. He ran at the car, enraged, screaming…

The next day I brought my family to the apartment to get my stuff, and he was there. He said goodbye to me, and said: Give me a kiss. And I did.

How much of Kelli was still in me then? I cant understand why I stayed, why I gave him that kiss. What if I had stayed, what if I had the baby with him?

Do what you have to do Brunetter, please dont get pregnant.

31

It’s possible to be having a hard time, lose your equanimity, and react with childish behavior over something small. It’s disgusting and shameful, but I’ve BTDT when my life was really throwing me a lot of curveballs. I have thrown a dish, I have broken a window. I would never do it now, but I confess I’ve thrown this sort of tantrum. I shudder at myself.

Calling you stupid, however, and saying what he said to you, takes it to a new level. This is more than a childish tantrum. Which is why I think the level of concern expressed by some on this thread is, in fact, warranted.

32

Let me just echo a couple things that other people have said that I think are important. First, like tomndebb I can understand how the situation you described would make your husband angry. I myself am sometimes shy, and if my partner tries to make me be more assertive than I feel comfortable being, that can make me angry. It’s not so much the pressure as it is the feeling that I am unable to handle the situation the way I “should” be able to, due to the way I am, and I get defensive about that. I don’t know how closely that corresponds to your husband’s feelings, but I thought I’d toss it out anyway…

Having said that, the way he reacted to his anger is completely unreasonable. I cannot imagine acting in that manner towards my partner, regardless of the provocation. The violence is bad, but the fact that he called you stupid is even worse because it indicates a lack of respect for you. If you don’t have mutual respect, then I don’t think you have a chance at a successful marriage.

33

I never said he wasn’t being abusive. In fact, I think I said “…if the abuse continues…” to leave.

I agree with Milo 100%. THere’s way, wayyyy too much bailing out in this world, and I’d hate to see it happen. Also, you said he’s constantly insulting her…from the OP, we’re only talking about one occurence, and I have no knowledge otherwise as to the state of their relationship.

That being said, I’ hope you’re in a better mood today :slight_smile:

-Sam

34

I did not read any of the other posts besides yours…Just my observation without anyone else’s input…

This is absolutely the wrong kind of behavior for a marriage to start off upon. This borders on out and out physical abuse. It could one day come to that. It is certainly a good case for verbal abuse. How long and how often do you think he can continue to call you stupid and confuse you before you start believing what he says? Of course you could have taken the matter into your own hands and called the videotaper yourself. But then this too would start a pattern that is all to common in abusive relationships, codependency. Go to this site http://www.drirene.com. It is a site for verbal abuse, abusers and their codependents. Do not start rationalizing his behavior. Do not start rationalizing yours. Get some help now if you want your relationship to go in the right direction.

And a warning…this will not get better with time if you simply leave it alone. Take it from someone who has been there more than once. And you may find that you will not be able to stay with this man. But I’m telling you now, you have a long rocky road ahead of you if you decide to live your life this way. I hate to be cryptic but the warning signs are all there. You must see them, I call them; red flags. Stop looking at this situation with your just your feelings. Use your head. Your husband is getting scary. And don’t say this is an isolated incident. There have been others, people don’t act this way out of the blue. There have been warning signs you are ignoring. Think about it.

Be safe and happy. Good luck

Needs2know

35

GaWd -

I based my statements on this line from the OP: ". Yelling orders in my face like that (“back off, just fucking back off!”) and also calling me stupid (this is by no means the worst he’s called me)… "

Stupid isn’t the worst? This suggests to me a pattern of verbal abuse. Hence my comments. One incident is one thing. More than one, and I get worried. Verbal/mental abuse is JUST as bad as physical. And that’s why I got worried.

36

I don’t know if this is relevant, but it’s a possible strategy. One time when I was about seventeen, my dad got angry at something I did and I got angry back, and we were having a screaming match. He made as if to hit me. I didn’t know what else to do, so I just screamed in his face, “Back off! Don’t touch me! Stay away from me!” He retreated and we stopped yelling and continued the rest of the conversation in a normal tone of voice.

37

First off, what I’m going to say is just a personal experience thing. Not all things which quack alike are ducks. I’m not attempting a diagnosis here.

Ok, that is out of the way.

Much to my embarrassment, I have to admit that some of this sounds familiar. Before I got on medication to control my condition (bipolar disorder) I would sometimes just snap, and one of the more common things I’d do was throw stuff. I once tore up several burritos and threw them across the kitchen. I once threw the entire utensil drawer across the kitchen. I’ve thrown chairs at my husband. I’ve thrown the keyboard across the room. It is totally childish, and totally unacceptable, but at the same time I didn’t have it in me to control it when it happened. It was during these same episodes that I would also tell my husband that he was stupid. Hmm. Since I’ve been on medication, I’ve only had two episodes of throwing stuff, and both were when I’d missed my meds for one or another reason.

I guess what I’m saying is that your husband may need counselling and/or medication for a more serious problem than just “being unreasonable when angry”… he is exhibiting behavior that is not normal or acceptable for his age, and that could mean either that he’s an immature loser or that something more serious is wrong.

Again, I’m not a psychiatrist, but I wanted to put in my own experience so that it could be considered.

38

Oh, one more thing. It took over a year for us to get our wedding pictures back! =:O

39

Displaced anger is a bitch. Until I learned to deal with it, I would punch myself on the side of the head, instead of any walls, doors, etc.

Of course, it had the disadvantage of knocking me cold sometimes. Then again, that always gave me time for the anger to subside.

40

Brunetter-

Before you married this guy, what were the signs that suggested to you that he was like this? I’m merely saying this because otherwise healthy people don’t suddenly become like this overnight.

If you can recall and admit some strong indicators of this kind of behaviour existed before you were married then why did you marry him?

If this is entirely new and unprecedented behaviour then it may be an indication that he is dangerously close to an emotional and mental breakdown or there is some kind of medical problem at the root of his outbursts.

Either way, you have to take care of you before you can attempt to help him. Don’t let things slide too far or for too long.