If I’m arguing with my brother or my dad, we can quickly get to the point of talking very loudly (not yelling…well, except for my dad and brother) about any number of issues, because that’s how it was when I was littler. I grew up listening to my mom and dad fight a lot, and wondered how they managed to stay together. Their way of fighting was like a typical stand up comedian’s routine.
My mom would be pissed off about something and yell at my dad about it. I coudl never hear what my dad was saying because he was quieter, until he said something like “Horse SHIT!” and I had to assume that every now and then he made a good point because then my mom would start screaming about “Well the last time I asked you to do something like that was when you refinished the kitchen table and now it’s ruined!” or something along those lines. It really is odd to try to have an argument with her. Anyhow, where was I?
Oh, yes…it’s completely different when I’m arguing with my wife. I only raise my voice when I get extremely frustrated, and it’s very counterproductive (she reacts with tears, which just completely destroys the whole fight :D). The key to successful fights is that each person has to actually listen to the other person and respond to their points, and then speak about how they feel…otherwise one person or the other is just going to feel intimidated, unheard, or both.
You need to have this talk with your SO, and simply warn him that you’re going to start leaving arguments if he yells or whatever. Let him know how it makes you feel, and maybe arrange some sort of signal for when the arguments are getting out of hand. Make sure to reciprocate by asking if there’s anything you do in arguments that annoys him (except being contantly in the right, of course ;)) that you could change.
It won’t happen over night, it is going to take some practice, but if you’re both committed to it, it should begin to work out.
A little funny anecdote about my wife and me. Coat hangers are one of the things that set the tone for my marriage.
We got married later, I was 28, she was 30, and both of us had already had homes and ways that we lived. I knew she was a much neater, more organized person than me, and that I would have ot change some of my slovenly ways. One morning, however, she was grumbling at me because I put my coats on the hangers the wrong way. I was flabbergasted t hat something like that would drive her so crazy, but didn’t know what to say, so I said nothing. Later, we sat down and talked. I said I know you’re more organized than me, and you got used to your own way of doing things, but not everything in the house is going to change to your way, and you’re going to have to start dealing with that a litle bit. I asked what possible impact it had on her if I hung my coat the wrong way inside the closet, which has a closed door…no one sees it, and the only difference is that my hangar hooks pointed a different direction than hers. At that point, she agreed that it was kind of silly and she was still settling into the whole marriage thing and didn’t want my slovenliness to get out of hand. I responded by saying that if I was picked on for every little thing, I was less likely, overall, to respond to anything. Neither of us needed to yell to get our points across. Neither of us needed to be “right” and win the argument, either. We just needed to understand how the other person felt, and try to make them more comfortable. That’s how it’s got to work. It’s not how it always works for us, because sometime you’re just frustrated and lash out a bit, but we always end up with better results if we talk calmly.
