How do you stop fighting with your SO?

In My Humble Opinion
21

First, you must realize that you are always right. Second, you must help your SO realize this. Once she has achieved enlightenment, everyone will be happy.

More seriously, I try not to get angry at all, and begin with a purely rational approach, like asking myself “Why are you mad about this?”. Of course, this approach doesn’t always work, but I manage to recognize that many things I might be angry about are pretty silly, and I manage to avoid those disputes all together.

On the other hand, I also have a knack for making Mrs. Bubba laugh, even when she’s spittin’ mad, which tends to defuse the situation, and allow us to continue the exchange in a less heated manner.

Finally, when I’ve had all I can stands, and I can’t stands no more, I rely on silence. But I let her know ahead of time: “I have absolutely nothing productive to say. You can talk, and I’ll listen, but I’m not going to respond right now.”

So I guess you’d say that I try to keep a good sense of humor and level head. YMMV.

22

Firstly, figure out your arguing style. I’m the sort of person who needs to get away from conflict and think about it. Mr Goo needs to talk about how he feels, and find out what the problem is straight away. Basically, I’d get to the point where I’d say the most awful stuff I could think of (really ugly stuff that I’m ashamed of) just to get him to go away and leave me to think the argument through. Mr Goo would make it to the door and then come back to try and solve the problem, making me even more furious and nasty, trying to get him to leave again. It made for some really long, ugly fights. (he’s a sucker for punishment)

Now, if it’s a small argument, we’ll both begin by apologising to each other, and talking the problem through. If it’s a major disagreement, once it starts to get heated, I’ll ask for half an hour, or Mr Goo will offer to have a break, and we’ll go to different rooms. I usually come back within 20 minutes with my thoughts straight, and I usually crawl into his lap, apologise for my nastiness, and we’ll hug and start to work through the problem. That’s what works for us, YMMV as usual.

The one golden rule that worked for us, especially before we figured out our arguing styles, was this promise we made to each other after our first argument. We don’t go to sleep without resolving a fight. There were times when we were still talking it through at 3 in the morning, when we both had to be at work at 5 am, and could hardly keep our eyes open, but I honestly believe it’s worth it.

The only other advice I can give, is 100% honesty and communication. Things don’t get sorted, until they’ve been talked about IME. If you can’t be totally honest with your SO, who can you be honest with ? (that’s my opinion)

23

I think John Grey’s book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus can be of help here.

Of course, there are a lot of things involved, like the arguing style of each partner, character, and other things.

My SO is extremely fiery, but she has an equal amount of honesty to counterbalance it. She’s quick to anger, but also quick to cool down.

24

Crap.

Anyway, when she doesn’t something, she’ll let it off her chest really quickly. Since I have learned not to take that personally, that’s fine.

Then, in 5 minutes, when she cools down, we can talk about how to fix that something, if that something needs to be fixed.

25

Well, somewhere in there you asked about how to stop being mad.

One thing I’ve done that can be amusing if you are both cat lovers is have a fight in cat speak. Hiss, fffft , MEOW!! Or try dog-speak if you’re both dog lovers. It’s a good way to express anger without saying hurtful words.

Realize that different people work different ways and expecting them to work differently is absurd. There is almost always a neat person and a sloppy person in the relationship. Thinking that the person is being sloppy just to spite you, or being nit-picky about cleaning up because they don’t love you is just asking to be hurt. You might as well be upset about a cat shedding hair.

Can you remember times that you said hurtful things you didn’t mean because you were hurting? Can you then take some of the things she has said that hurt, and realize that she didn’t mean them, and only said them because she was hurting? As much as others have said that we shouldn’t do it, we will tend to lash out at others.

Finally, make a list of everything that you are mad about.

For everything on the list, write down what you wanted her to do, and/or what you want her to do now.

If there is anything on your list where you want her to tell you something besides “I’m sorry” then tell it to yourself.

For example, if you want her to say “I don’t think you’re stupid, in fact I think you’re smart” tell that to yourself.

Finally, you may want to address one or two of the issues in your list. If you do, don’t say “You think I’m stupid!”

Say “When you say this, it makes me feel like you think I’m stupid. That hurts, and I don’t feel like cooperating with you when I feel that way”

And when she responds to that
don’t try to argue her out of what she said! You don’t have to endorse anything she says, but you must accept that that is how she feels.

And hie thyself to a marriage counselor! You probably need more work on your arguing style that you can get here.

26

Best advice I ever read on this subject was from, of all people, Robert Heinlein. He wrote:

“In a family argument, if you find yourself in the right, apologize at once.”

Think about it. It works.

15 Iguana