How do you break up with a friend?

[Happy_Fun_Ball]

@Sampsiceramos

I don’t really understand the people jabbing at OP for being non-confrontational about this. This may just be me, and I may just have been exposed to some really shitty people, but generally when you confront racist, bigoted assholes with the fact that their opinions are, in fact, racist and bigoted, they tend to take this pretty personally. A good number of them are perfectly content to yell.

Being yelled at sucks. Being yelled at by bigoted assholes sucks even more.

That said, to echo what a few other posters have said - if you want this person out of your life, why on God’s good Earth are you inviting her to parties? This is possibly the most nonsensical behaviour I can think of considering what your desired end is.

The OP does not make the other person sound like a horrible shitty person, just a usually nice person that has some bigoted opinions. Maybe they are just saying these types of things because everybody around her is and she thinks it is the way to get along. Maybe these are deeply held beliefs with no basis. Maybe they are in reaction to a childhood event and she is using too broad a brush. Who the hell knows? The point is when confronted it will be obvious which kind of person she is.

What would be the result? There are several possibilities:
[ol]
[li]The person quickly backpedals and never expresses those kinds of opinions again in the OP’s presence. Win! A win whether or not their opinion has changed.[/li][li]The person gets offended and, whether with yelling or without, never contacts the OP again. Win! They sound like a loser.[/li][li]The person explains why they are a bigot and an adult conversation between friends about the merits of the opinion starts. Win! Maybe their opinion will never change, but discussions can be helpful. [/li][/ol]

I remember in high school I became good friends with somebody who was deeply homophobic. I questioned him about his opinions and he said it was disgusting, went against nature, threw out some bullshit about them being sexual predators (he actually though gay people were going to rape him!). I questioned him about his belief that somebody doing something disgusting in their own home made them worthy of hate and he came to agree that it wasn’t enough. I asked him what was natural and we talked about that. I asked him about his understandable feelings about sexual predators and asked whether he was unfairly smearing a whole demographic with the actions of a few not necessarily homosexual individuals. He agreed this might be the case. I lost touch with him several years later, but he was completely accepting of gay people by the time we stopped being friends. We used to go to Rocky Horror together and we made a bunch of friends that were gay.

I think it is best to hit these opinions head on, at the least it will be a defining point (maybe the end) of the relationship.

[Blaster_Master]

@Sampsiceramos

I don’t really understand the people jabbing at OP for being non-confrontational about this. This may just be me, and I may just have been exposed to some really shitty people, but generally when you confront racist, bigoted assholes with the fact that their opinions are, in fact, racist and bigoted, they tend to take this pretty personally. A good number of them are perfectly content to yell.

On top of what Happy Fun Ball said, there is a vast excluded middle between non-confrontational and confrontational. For example, imagine you’re in a movie theater and someone is being loud, texting, or doing something else obnoxious. Your options aren’t just sit there and deal with it or make a giant scene yelling back at the person. As a non-confrontational person myself, if moving is a reasonable option, I’ll do that (more or less equivalent to just cutting off contact with the friend altogether). If it’s not an option to move, I can politely ask them to stop (more or less equivalent to talking to the person about it). Most people aren’t immediately defensive and won’t make a scene, they’ll probably apologize and that will be the end of it. But it depends on how you approach it.

For example, if a friend is homophobic, racist, sexist, whatever… you don’t start with “Why are you such a bigot?” just like with someone texting in a theater you don’t start with “Turn off your phone” Instead, appeal to the person’s humanity and compassion. Again, like the other poster said, I’ve known people who had or have had variously bigoted views, I’ve had conversations, raised different perspectives, and I’ve seen them budge. Hell, chances are, if the person is otherwise a good decent person, a reasonable conversation can go a surprisingly long way.
But even in saying that, as I said, I’m not confrontational, and as much as I’d like to be able to approach people like that, it’s difficult, especially if I’m not already invested in a relationship to some extent. So, I don’t expect anyone else to do that or shame them for not doing it. But just sitting there and taking it isn’t somehow MORE non-confrontational than just walking away, it’s just subjecting oneself to unnecessary unpleasantness.

Using a personal example, I had a friend a little over a year ago I realized was toxic. I didn’t confront him, I didn’t tell him, I just stopped talking to him, and I was fine with that. Hell, he didn’t even figure it out for several weeks and was furious and I simply told him I wasn’t going to be friends with someone who would do those particular things, and that was the last I said to him. I might have tried to do it gentler and give him some constructive feed back for how not to treat other friends in the future, but his reaction made it clear he wasn’t going to be receptive to that. It would have been horrible for me to just maintain that friendship, especially if it had just resulted in me getting more resentful, more hurt, and possibly getting angry enough that I had a regrettable confrontation instead, but the point is, I didn’t have to approach him and tell him he was an asshole to just not be friends with him.

[Omar_Little]

@Blaster_Master

there is a vast excluded middle between non-confrontational and confrontational.

@Omar_Little

As when she exhibited these racist opinions, you apparently let them slip by without having a conversation about them. Maybe there’s an explanation for her comments, not all things are black and white (;)). Sounds like she likes you, why not try and be an influence on her, instead of being passive aggressive?

Blaster Master you are correct. There’s not always one solution to every problem, which is why mechanics, repairmen, etc. carry more than just a hammer. It’s kind of disingenuous as a friend to not let her explain herself. There’s a lot of gray in the world.

[purplehearingaid]

Tell your ‘friend’ that you know about this really cool forum called ’ The Straight Dope’ and that there is a thread she would really be interested in reading . Before doing this post some more details that your friends know about, maybe she’ll get the hint then . I really think you need to just come out and tell you don’t want to see or hear from her anymore .