How do you create relationships at networking events?

In My Humble Opinion
1

In order to be good at networking, it is more important for you to know how to get people to like you personally than it is to get them to admire your professional skills. This is even more true in the legal profession (my profession) where personal skills are a large factor in whether people will trust you, and by extension, the arguments that you make on behalf of your client.

And of course, this is also true when you have little professional experience, or your professional skills are not all that good.

What I wonder is how does anyone really trust anyone at a networking event? Everyone should know that most people will be friendly in large part because it will help them professionally; however, everyone somehow manages to ignore this problem.

I don’t know how they do it because I can’t seem to ignore it. Every time I talk to someone I feel like I am starting a relationship under false pretenses, and then I start to feel bad while talking to them until the life drains out of our conversation because of it.

Anyone have any advice on how someone (hopefully I’m not alone here) can overcome this mental hurdle? I signed up for a bunch of upcoming networking events. My current plan is to keep suffering through these until I get more comfortable with them.

2

That’s a good plan. There are a lot of helpful books on networking, as well.

The point of networking is not to randomly develop relationships with people based on a ten minute conversation. It’s more about discovering and strengthening the networks you already have.

For example, a good place to start is finding common ground. Let’s say you meet Guy from Firm Company. You talk a bit, and find out that he used to work at Organization Work. Your good friend Bonnie is at Organization Work. So then when you go home, you mention to Bonnie that you met Guy. She gives you the run down on him. Now you are golden. If you are looking for a job at Firm Company at some point in the future, you can give Guy a call and ask him for the low-down.

If you are talking with someone who is further along in their career, networking is a good time to learn about their career progression and what sorts of jobs will lead to the sorts of jobs you’d like to learn. You can also learn a lot about the general climate of the industry, what it’s like working for various organizations, etc.

Another thing to do is learn about people’s niches. For example, if you meet someone who specializes in parrot training, that’s a good thing to know- maybe one day you or someone you know will need a parrot trainer, and now you know one. Likewise, if I am a professional unicyclist, I’ll mention that to people just in case they ever find their company is in need of a unicyclist. The assumption here is that if you are so into a specialization, chances are you are pretty good at it. Nobody becomes am expert on parrot psychology unless they are really in to parrot psychology.

Networking is also a good way to increase the number of people who owe you favors by giving you a chance to connect people. Let’s say your friend Abe is in grad school studying Mongolian poetry. You meet a women, Suzy, at an event who is an interpreter for the National Association of Deaf Mongolians. So you fire off a couple of emails introducing Abe and Suzy. Suzy can ask Abe questions about which grad programs in Mongolian studies are worthwhile, and Abe can ask Suzy questions about jobs for Mongolian speakers- and maybe even get an “in” at the National Association for Deaf Mongolians. Both of these people are happy, and they are happy with you. Which means that when you need some help from them, they’ll gladly help you out.

Finally, some people are just happy to help people out because it makes them feel important. Everyone loves feeling like the expert or the mentor. So people will sometimes help you find an 'in" into a company, tip you off on an upcoming job, or whatever, just because it’s an ego boost for them.

3

If your network is small, as a young attorney or young whatever, then finding that mutual connection with random people at a networking event is difficult.

For me, it feels awkward, like I’m starting off each conversation on a fishing expedition. With each new person, the elephant in the room is we both know we are each having this conversation for, ultimately, selfish reasons. It’s uncomfortable for me.

My internal conversation is like, “Hi, I’m starting to talk to you now because I want more business and hope you can help provide it, and you want the same from me.” It’s like we’re using each other.

Then I throw back a cocktail and get on with it, asking people what they do and probing for more info and personal anecdotes along those lines. Hopefully, it turns into a normal and more personal conversation with some humor as we keep talking.

4

Networking is a two way street - you have to express an interest as well as sell yourself.

In the legal field, it is always good to have a Rolodex of contacts for specific cases. If you know Bob is a huge comic fan, he might be a good go-to guy for that copyright infringement and can tell you off the top of his head 28 comic characters who are similar to the one you are representing.

Plus, it is good to get a quick feel for someone you might want to use/work with/hire in the future. You would be surprised how often a name will come up in conversation and that person is contacted, simply based off a short meet-and-greet.

I worked in the legal field for many years, mostly for film studios. I know they would often search frantically through their Rolodex for that person they met three years ago at some conference who might have some insight into a specific field/case. So yes, it can most certainly be worthwhile in the long run.

Plus, should you ever need to search for work, it is always nice to have some contact names you can reach out to and see what openings they might know about.

So, when you have the opportunity to network, just treat it like a huge cocktail party, listen in and jump into conversations you might have some knowledge about, or at least ask for a card from someone who might know something you will need someday.

5

I think it’s fair to say you don’t, at least not generally with a single contact. I’m a strong introvert, so networking was a really daunting prospect. What I’ve found worked well for me is choosing a couple of networks that I like and spending a lot of time working to develop those connections. I go to the meetings every month, participate in the discussions on LinkedIn, and in the smaller group I’ve volunteered to be the greeter and will be speaking at the March meeting. When I meet people who seem like they could genuinely be a good connection (they seem likable, their business compliments mine, I think we might be able to do business or refer clients to one another), I’ll usually ask them to meet up for a cup of coffee and to learn more about their business.

The upshot of all of this is that I know these people and their businesses better, and they know me better, and we’re all a lot more willing and able to refer one another. I should also note that while I’ve done some direct business with the people in my networking groups, I’ve done a lot more business through referrals - people my immediate contacts are connected to who need my services, and trust me because I’ve been “vouched for” by someone they already know.

6

I think one of the disconnects here is that people are going in to networking events as if the business card (or whatever) is the end goal, and the conversation is just a means to an end. That is, indeed, awkward.

Instead, I propose going in with the intention of having conversations with people who are working in your field, which presumably is one that you find interesting.

You should hopefully start getting a feel for what organizations end up in these events. Take a few minutes to read up on them. Before I go to a career fair or organized “mixer,” I read the news page and job section of every company that is going to be there, and I take notes. That way, if I run into someone from that company I can ask them intelligent questions about what their organization is doing- I can say “Oh, you work for CARE? I hear you guys are expanding your nutrition program to Mali. I spent some time in Bamako on an maternal health program and it was amazing, although my Bambara is a bit rusty these days. Are you involved in this project?” The person is likely to give me some helpful information on potential new jobs in the area, and probably will be willing to connect me to whoever is in charge of the project- which is awesome because I just established myself as a Bambara speaking person with relevant experience.

People love to talk about themselves, and they love to feel useful and important. If all else fails, just ask them questions about their job, or easy questions about “What was your worst _______” or “How was studying at _________ U?” or “What kinds of projects does your department work on?” They’ll do all the work, and with any luck you’ll learn something interesting about the industry. Bonus points if you can think of a small favor to ask of them- emailing you an article they talked about or whatever. Nothing cements a relationship like a small favor.

7

First of all, I think it’s very difficult to create relationships at any sort of networking events. I go to all kinds of networking events all the time. Industry events. College and business school networking functions. Fraternity alumni socials. Happy hour groups. You name it. I’ve noticed a couple of things:

-99% of the people at these events are people looking to get something out of them - vendors, sales reps, job hunters, etc. Very few of the people at the events are in a position to offer something.

-99% of the people at these events, I will never ever see again. Not even at another event.

Really just to echo what **iftheresaway **said. Because of the above, your chances of meeting someone where you are in a position to help each other AND isn’t just there for the food and booze AND you hit it off AND actually ever see each other again are pretty slim.

Or to put it another way, senior partners in a law firm are not going to the local legal happy hour hoping to meet their next junior associate or legal vendor is there. They are networking with each other at their country clubs.

8

That’s pretty easy for me because I can comfortably “talk shop” and use inside jargon with ease. I can trade war stories. Shooting the shit with another attorney is pretty simple.

The more difficult ones are the chamber of commerce type events where each person does something completely different and you’re starting from scratch. You’d think that in some ways it would be easier, but it just not as comfortable for me.

“I sell business phone service.”
“I sell wedding supplies.”
Etc.

9

The first step is to learn what networking events to avoid and generally, it’s anything billed as a “networking event”. Figure out the people you want to meet and, before you decide to attend, figure out if they have any reason to be there (special keynote speaker, friends with the organizer, they’re looking to recruit from the group, they have a lot of friends who show up etc.). If there’s no compelling reason for them to attend, then don’t be surprised when you go to find nobody worthwhile for you to connect with.

I find the best networking events are private, with a curated guest list and where you know ~20 - 50% of the people attending. Dinner parties, poker nights, lecture series, coffee meetings, golf etc. Try and get a warm introduction from a mutual acquaintance instead of just approaching someone cold, it’s far less awkward that way. There’s an entire shadow industry of networking going on that you don’t become aware of until you’re part of it.

Your goal when you meet someone is to be helpful and likable. When you first meet someone, ask about what they do and what they’re currently working on. Try and figure out if there’s any lightweight way that you can make their life easier. Especially, if you can, figure out if there’s someone in your network you can introduce them to for a mutual benefit. Keep a catalogue of who you’ve promised to introduce to who and, after the event, be diligent about sending out email intros within 24 hours (for example, at a recent event, I met someone who was working on a problem quite similar to one a friend of mine had thought deeply about for a few months so I connected them and another friend who wanted to get more active in politics who would benefit from someone I knew who had done some work on the 2008 Obama campaign).

At the same time, realize that business is done between friends and often just getting someone to like you is enough for a first contact. You don’t have to explicitly talk about any businessy stuff, if you can form a connection, then they’ll remember you and possibly think of you when the right opportunity emerges.

10

This is one of the things I don’t get. I understand that for credence goods, a personal relationship is often formed before business is conductedd. But for non-credence goods, why do people still rely on friends when finding cocontractants is so easy? Perhaps there are good reasons and I’d like to know them.
Also, if you meet someone at such networking events and you like them, is it out of place to start making friends with them outside or would that be odd? As in, call them for an activity just like you would a new friend.

Lakai, I asked a similar question before. You might find this useful:

11

To answer both your questions, legal and other professional services are credence goods. That’s why large companies tend to not do business by personal referral from small vendors. They submit an RFP to pre-selected lists of qualified vendors. It’s a lot easier to say “Deloitte fucked up our books, they should have known better” than to say “this guy Joe we hired fucked up our books, he seemed ok at the time.”

Certainly if you meet someone you hit it off with at a networking event, you can see them socially if they are up to it. I’ve worked in professional consulting services most of my career and we are always taking clients out for dinners, drinks, sporting events, strip clubs, etc. Some of these guys are a lot of fun to hang out with. But keep in mind, much of this sort of socializing is just a pretext for developing a business relationship. It’s a fuzzy line. It can be awkward to have your vendor making advances into your personal life just as most people don’t like their friends to constantly bug them about advancing their career.

For example, my old boss and his wife are really good friends with me and my fiance. We both left our firm around there wasn’t a lot of love lost between us and our old employer. But we are still friends with most of those people. But now I feel weird about asking for a job at his new firm. A lot of these friends have personal traits that make them bad employees/employers and professional traits that make them bad friends. Everyone does, buy when you mix them together, it can create conflicts of interest.

12

What if you can’t be helpful? I’m going to Bar Association meetings because I was advised that it would be a good why to find employment. Without much legal experience or a legal job, it’s painfully obvious that I can’t be very helpful to people.

The most I can offer is an opportunity for someone to feel wise by giving me some advice, but that still leaves me feeling like I"m taking advantage of another person’s ego trip.

13

If they are looking to hire and you’ve given them the impression of being someone who’s bright and pleasant to work with, you can be helpful to them, just like any other employee can be useful to an employer.
I wouldn’t be as explicit in selling myself as I would be in an actual interview. I guess it can be thought of as a dinner interview some firms have; You know, some firms make you pass a first interview then a second one and finally candidates and members of the firm go for lunch together.

14

As another young lawyer I am sympathetic to the situation. It is usually awkward and shallow making chat with strangers at “networking” events.

If I go to such events it is because I have a natural affinity or commonality with the majority of people there – for example I usually attend the yearly reception thrown by my old law journal, and I usually attend a reception for my undergrad college that is hosted at a prominent law firm – or because I am genuinely interested in and would enjoy the event on its own terms. Such as a speaker or topic that interests me, or an activity I find fun.

At the end of the day, maintaining the relationships you already have is probably more important than chatting up strangers. Stay in touch with your law school friends, know what’s going on in their lives, help them out when possible. If you are friendly with any professors maintain that! Oh and if you are searching for jobs and you see something you are not personally qualified for but know someone who is - email it to them or post it on facebook for god’s sake!

If you do not have a cadre of trusted friends from law school, and no affinities based on your activities and interests, legal and otherwise (law review, moot court, clinical programs, hobbies, undergrad programs, place where you live, etc) I have to say you have a serious problem that a few cocktail hours aren’t going to cure.

ETA: if you are not doing so already you MUST find a way to do some volunteer legal work. You need to get your ass in the game, anyway you can. My municipality has legal action days, many courts have volunteer programs, and so do many not for profits.

15

One statistic I’ve heard is that it takes at least 10 “touches” to establish a sale. Taht is to say, you aren’t going to create a relationship the first time you meet someone. If you’re lucky, they might barely remember meeting you the second time. By like the fifth time the other person remembers your name. At meeting 8 he’s giving you that half-hug pat on the back thing guys do and by the tenth meeting your an old friend he’d be willing to recommend to his business partners!
If you’re worried about being pushy or annoying people, a career in law or professional services might not be for you.

16

The problem is your law school buddies are all at the same level as you (ie “entry”). It doesn’t really pay off until 10-20 years down the road when you are all partners at your firms or own your own practices.

I have to assume in the legal profession, very few people would be willing to hire an lawyer right out of law school who just passed the bar and has no track record and no firm behind him.

17

This isn’t true, in my experience. Some of my law school buddies went straight into white shoe firms, others worked for NFPs, others were unemployed for a period, some still are. The employed of us hustled for our unemployed friends, and yes, sometimes it is as simple as notifying them of an opening the minute the job is available. Sometimes it is as simple as proofreading their writing sample. Sometimes its just buying them dinner when they’re broke. Hell when I was still in law school, volunteering at Legal Aid, I found out they had not filled all their volunteer slots and my friend put in his resume. Later, he got several interviews based on having volunteered at Legal Aid. Without me on the inside, humble peon that I was, he would not even have known of the opening, because it was not advertised. Your friends are your ears to the ground.

My sense is that the OP would be better off focusing on government jobs where “who you know” is somewhat less important.