Sez me. Those stinking bastards will take their hats off when they’re inside, thank you.
There are to many variables to give a single, definitive answer.
I evaluate each situation and person and act accordingly.
Some people are stuck in their ways and must be tolerated or avoided.
Some people need to have your limits spelled out for them (do NOT stand less than 3 feet from me w/o a real reason).
Some people appreciate tips, but they must be given gently and privately.
I abhore people that treat everyone the same. We’re not made in an assembly line w/ interchangable parts! To treat all the same is rude laziness - you’re saying to everyone ‘you’re not worth my time and attention to learn who you are’.
I’m the one with poor social skills, most of the time. I have trouble warming up to people in social situations, so I come off as conceited when I’m actually feeling awkward and shy. Plus, I’m not good at “reading” situations, so if there is tension between people I don’t already know about, I often don’t realize it unless I’m specifically told. Also, I have trouble looking people in the eye. I’ve trained myself to look at their ear or hair, so as not to feel so uncomfortable. I suspect I may have Asperger’s syndrome (and will be tested for autism spectrum in a few days), but it’s not something I tell most people because it’s none of their business. I’m just telling this board as a possible explanation for my poor social skills. If I irritate people because of this, I don’t do it on purpose, and try to correct myself as soon as I realize I’m doing it.
I talk records with them. Record collectors are some of the most socially maladroit individuals you could want to meet.
Like some posters above, I’m not sure what you define as “poor social skills”. Shy, having difficulty starting conversations, maybe not good at telling when conversations are over: these are all entirely fine traits in a person.
However, there’s a woman at my work who is genuinely unable to comprehend social cues. Mostly, she’s fairly kind and generous. She can be self-centered, but I think that’s largely because she’s so bad at figuring out that other people also have needs. But, she’s incredibly difficult to be around or work with.
Example: she asked me if she could get a replica of a piece of functional art that I was using at the time, and I told her that it was one-of-a-kind, and made by a dear friend of mine that had committed suicide. In fact, I had it that day to remember him by. She thought this was hysterically funny and wandered off laughing. In her mind, the incongruity of her asking for this item and being told that the artist was dead was the paramount factor, and even when it was explained to her, she could not comprehend why I would find her laughing about my friend’s suicide hurtful or upsetting.
Another example: I’m in the middle of trying to get a new job at a higher level. It’s being incredibly stressful, exhausting, depressing, and unsuccessful, and I have a time limit. She didn’t understand that this process was stressing me out, but she did accept it once it was explained to her. Her response? She comes up and tells me whenever she finds out that someone less qualified than me gets a similar position. Now, I genuinely think that she’s doing this because she thinks it’s encouraging (“See: this crappy person did it, you should be able to!”), but everyone else on the planet agrees that I should punch her.
So, there’s social awkwardness that results in some difficulty starting conversations, and then there’s social awkwardness that creates pain and strife. So everyone avoids her. I’m actually her biggest social contact, because most days I can treat her offensive (rude, bigoted, clueless) comments as funny as hell, but many days she’s just too much and I have to walk away.
Putting aside the debate about what “poor social skills” means, I try to live by the mantra of “Don’t be a dick.” That said, I take public transportation in Portland so I find myself muttering the Serenity Prayer often.
It all depends.
I find it very easy to get along with some people that have traditionally “poor” social skills (autism spectrum types). One has to be a little careful not to say the wrong thing, but they are generally predictable (in a good way–that is, they behave consistently) and so easy to work with.
If someone doesn’t take criticism well–then I don’t criticize them. I find some other way to inform them of their mistake (if that’s necessary in the first place–if not, I hold my tongue). It may involve blaming myself in some way (“about that documentation you wrote… sorry for being an idiot here, but there’s this thing I don’t understand. any chance you could simplify it?”). If they take that as an opportunity to insult me, I take it in stride.
Now, some people are so poorly socialized that they’re just not worth the effort. And some aren’t so bad, but they aren’t worth much to me as people, so they aren’t worth the effort either. But a large class are both interesting/useful and don’t require tremendous extra effort to work with.
Personally, I tend to have poor first-time social skills, but after meeting a new person I mull on how their personality works and how they respond to things. After that, I generally come up with a good model for their behavior and so find it easy to interact. It just takes a little work.
I just went through this at work. We had an employee who simply lacked certain social skills. this person would complain to management about other employees. The complaints were slights purportedly against this person. They eventually had to move the employee to another job.
My way of dealing with it was to be minimally cordial on a professional level (please and thank you’s kind of stuff) and avoid the person if at all possible. There really wasn’t any way of fixing the problem because the person was clueless in every respect and on every level.
Because she’s my mother and we live together and we may need the help or professional services of someone she pisses off.
I have spent my entire life trying to figure out how to interact with people properly. I’m no expert by any standard but I know I have a problem and do the best I can.
Yeah. That’s her. As a kid I learned not to get emotionally close to people my parents knew. Sooner or later Mom or Dad’s weird ass behavior would run them off.
I have no idea. I’m hoping someone can come into this thread and help me out. I swear, it’s like she sits around all day waiting for someone to give her an excuse to feel insulted. She acts like she’s the only person on Earth with any feelings or needs. Ever since she found out that caller ID exists, she takes offense when someone doesn’t answer her calls. Never mind that people do things like going to work or the store or the bathroom, or maybe they’re just doing something other than answering the phone. It’s always about her. “Well, I guess they just don’t want to be bothered with a sick old woman right now.” Really? REALLY? It’s almost midnight. They have to get up at 4:30 to get to school and work. THEY’RE ASLEEP. “Well there’s no reason they couldn’t answer long enough to tell me that themselves. They just don’t care about me.”
She constantly complains about how she hates ungrateful people that just use other people to get what they want. How does she not see that she’s describing herself?
I’m reaching the end of my rope. I’ve been very sick lately. I have a life threatening illness and ( much to her annoyance) I can’t do all of the things for her that I was able to do a few months ago. I’m desperately trying to keep her from wrecking what few relationships we have left with other people. Anything that isn’t done on her schedule and to her exact standards is some kind of slight. “That shows how much they care. I’ll never ask them for another thing again. They can kiss my ass.” It’s not about getting everything that she wants any more. I need help now. I don’t know what to do.
I hide in the corner, muttering to myself about them, and fling poo in their direction. When I’m noticed, I skitter away and hide.
Stupid poor social skills people!!!
At work, I find many people annoying and my usual way of dealing with it is to keep things as professional and brief as possible.
However, there are a couple that I have dealt with differently. One is a lady who has a speech defect and is usually in a crabby mood. The other is an older lady who will talk your damn ear off and pay no attention to your efforts to escape. These two I don’t struggle with (much); I just give them the extra time they need. And either they’ve gotten better or I’ve started to like them more. I think it’s because deep down we’re just three rude old bitches. 
I tell them flat out I don’t like their behavior and they are not to act like that around me.
If someone’s poor social skills just make them a little quirky (have two co-workers like this), while not preventing us from being able to work together amicably, I’ll happily be patient with them.
If someone’s poor social skills irritate or embarrass me/others or make it hard for me to interact with them to do my job (have three co-workers like this), you bet I’ll avoid them. I’m not their mom or their life-coach; it isn’t my responsibility to teach them to be more socially adept.
I look in the mirror and curb my tongue.
It depends on how close they are to me and how avoidable they are. If its not someone close to me i’ll just ignore/avoid them.
But if they are close or unavoidable i’ll carefully explain what they are doing. I feel it is about setting boundaries- some people arent so much socially clueless as they are socially lazy. They play dumb when people get annoyed with them, and “get away with” being seen as the person that needs everything spelled out. When you call them out on their bullshit, you are establishing that their behavior is unacceptable and that you made them aware. This way they cant claim “they didnt know”.
I dont think anybody benefits from not receiving criticism. I disagree with Dr. Strangelove’s approach to socially clueless people. Just because someone is a big crybaby when told they did something incorrectly doesnt mean everybody should dance around it or sugar coat things. All it does is perpetuate the undesirable behavior and make the person more entrenched in their habits “nobody else complains, maybe its your problem not mine”. Now just because you give someone criticism doesnt mean you have to go all Gordon Ramsey about it. You can tailor it in a way that will make the most impact on the person.
Perfect example: I used to have a lot of annoying traits. I used to think that people were mean/distant to me for no reason. My family and sole friends were kind to me so I was extremely close to them- I thought they were the only ones who “got” me. It was only until I met my wife and she pointed out, as calmly and positively as she could, that I could be really annoying. People who werent close to me couldnt be bothered to point it out, they’d just ignore me. And my friends/family didnt have the heart to tell me, it was easier to chalk it up to “thats just how Incubus is”. So for years I never knew, because I didnt have someone close enough or patitent enough to point it out. But when she did, I tried modifying my behavior, and suddenly my family was conveniently complementing me on “getting my life together” “really growing up” and “used to be worried about me” :rolleyes:,
An interesting read (not necessarily specifically for you, though your post made me think of it): The Journal of Best Practices: A Memoir of Marriage, Asperger Syndrome, and One Man’s Quest to Be a Better Husband, written from the point of view of a man with Asberger’s who has to consciously work on his social/relational skills.
To me (IANAE!) that sounds more like narcissism than poor social skills. That said, I don’t know how you live with a person like that; the best advice is probably: don’t, if you can possibly help it.
There’s a big difference to my mind between poor social skills and not caring about other people. It’s possible to genuinely care about other people and yet have trouble relating to them, and I think this is what the OP had in mind, since he mentioned “decent people” with “social ignorance,” and I wouldn’t use the word “decent people” to describe those who were totally self-centered.
On the other hand, it’s possible to have great social skills and not care about other people—for example, those charming abusive sociopaths whom everybody loves as long as they don’t know him/her too well.
This was a very good post, I have an older brother who talks about him self incessantly and embarrases me just to be around him. No one icluding myself has ever really called him on it because he throws bitch fits. I have hinted around where any normal person would have picked up the hints but he never got it.
I have been called on my stuff several times in my life and even if it was rude the way it was done I still appreciate it because I pay attention to how others perceieve me.
I partially disagree with your disagreement. Dr. Strangelove gave a work example. Your’s is a general or familiar example. Look back at my post (work related). It’s not possible to criticize a person who is completely clueless about what is going on around them. They will turn on you and it becomes an HR issue. The only thing that saved my group is that this person racked up a pile of complaints against a number of people and it quickly became obvious who was the problem.
I really wish you all wold give examples of the symptoms you are seeing. It’s very hard to understand what is meant by such vague terminology.
My short answer though is: Don’t allow your own social life to be affected by those who have little to offer. It’s harsh, and I hate saying it. For many years though, didn’t get to be friends with the folks I really liked because I was always dragging behind someone they couldn’t tolerate. I’m done with that - and yes, it does include my own Mother. (Who never misses an opportunity to assuage her own social anxiety by trashing me behind my back.) There is a certain point of insecurity at which it becomes a menace.
There are also, though, some people who I wouldn’t walk away from for anything. People who are good and loyal friends despite their quirks. They are a lot fewer than I used to think though, and one has to draw the line consciously.
ETA: I also think that one of the worst things you can do to someone is walk away without telling them what they did wrong. It’s hard, and probably won’t save your friendship, but it may make the world a better place.
To the contrary, part of having good social skills IS tolerating people who annoy you. You shouldn’t encourage the annoying behavior, and you shouldn’t be a doormat, but dealing with annoying people in a graceful and kind way is part of being an adult. Sometimes that means limiting your contact with them; sometimes it means gently correcting them if possible (especially if the annoying person himself or herself would benefit from that change, not just you); and sometimes it means grinning and bearing it.