I should start out by saying that my social skills are atrocious, but I’ve learned enough over the years to be aware of when I upset people.
However, I still have contact with people who annoy everyone, but only because of social ignorance. In other words, they are decent people, good at what they do (at work), but can’t interact with people without causing everyone distress. I’m talking about someone who is an embarrassment to be around and drives away other people if you hang out with them.
How do you deal with this? Do you try and help the person learn? In my experience, having poor social skills usually means you can’t take criticism very well. Any advice might be met with resentment. Plus, the person behaves the way they do for a reason. Usually because they like it that way. They’re not going to change if you point out any of their social defects.
So if they won’t change their behavior, do you try and avoid them? I find this solution a little harsh. Yes, you shouldn’t tolerate people who annoy you, but cutting off people with poor social skills from more social contact is pretty brutal. I know because I was caught in such a cycle before, and I don’t want others to go through it.
So what do you do? Is there a middle ground between upsetting someone and avoiding them altogether. Is there something else that can be done?
I’m a very compassionate person but in this situation I would just have to avoid them. As you pointed out, you can’t really school these people on their behavior. If you can’t be a party to it what choice do you have? I suppose you could follow them around and apologize to everyone for their behavior but why would anyone do that?
If it’s someone you can’t avoid completely (like a coworker), then I totally understand not wanting to give up on them. I am in this situation myself. I have a coworker who I would avoid with a 10-foot pole if we weren’t colleagues. But because we work on the same projects together and have to a good, non-awkward working relationships, I put up with her quirks (and she with mine). We aren’t friends, but everyone at work assumes we are since we’re friendly with one another.
I think she has poor social skills, but I feel like I’m in no position to lecture since my social skills are probably a lot worse. So I just try to tolerate her as best as I can. However, I don’t socialize with her outside the office. I tried to one time and vowed never to do it again.
I have grown a backbone over time and have little tolerance for rude or bad behavior these days. I avoid such people but will be completely honest about why if asked. I will take more aggressive measures if necessary as well. I put strict sanctions on my stepfather last month because he truly abused wait staff in a restaurant in front of the whole family (believe me, it was an appalling show that Donald Trump would have been proud of). The deal was that my mother had to have a behavioral intervention this week because of those types of outbursts or he would never see me or my children again. That is taken care of now.
I am also dealing with another one at work. He is a contractor that is abusing people in the facility that I have responsibility for. I can’t fire him directly but I did list him as a mass security threat because of unstable behavior which is essentially the same thing because he can’t do most of his job anymore.
I have a similar problem, I get along very well with people but I simply lack the life experiences that many of my close friends have. I have really embarrassed myself a few times but over the years have learned to blend in and find someone I am comfortable around.
Comming here to the dope is an excersize for me, I get my ass handed to me here now and then but I am learning. My father died when I was about 40 and for some reason I felt a feedom to not be the tough guy anmore and have made a lot of new friends since then, but I still feel like a fish out of water at formal events or even semi formal events.
Life is too short to deal with jerks and a-holes. Although since my jobs usually require me to manage people, if their poor social skills starts to affect people’s work, it may end up becoming an HR issue.
Tripolar, there’s nothing that amuses me more in a thread like this than someone inadvertently announcing their own poor social skills.
That’s ‘stinking bastards’. And unless your retort is accompanied by an impressive spray of a chewed food, you’re better off keeping your comments to yourself.
If someone constantly annoys or irritates me, I avoid them. I really don’t care if they are annoying because they are arseholes, or because they have poor social skills - the result is all I have to go on. If I must be around someone who is really annoying (say, at work), I minimise my interaction and keep it very short and professional. The occasional blunder I am tolerant of because it can happen to anyone, but only in so far as it is very occasional.
I assume everyone is a mature adult, capable of controlling their own behaviour. I don’t assume I can ‘fix’ people, or that it is appropriate for me to try to do so. I don’t think it is my job to teach other adults how to behave like an adult. If someone asks me a specific question about their poor social skills or my response to their behaviour, I may respond honestly and give them helpful feedback, or I may judge it wiser to just gloss over the issue and remove myself from the conversation. Either way, I feel no obligation.
Seriously, there are too many awesome people out there that I want to interact with, to waste my time and energy on those who I don’t mesh well with. If someone feels bad because they don’t have many friends, and people don’t want to hang around them, then it’s up to them to find a professional who can help them. I’m not signing up for the drama of being an unpaid life coach for some annoying adult.
I wonder what’s going through everyone’s head here when they think of people with “poor social skills,” and I’m getting the impression that different people may be thinking of different things.
And, in fact, the answer to the OP’s question may well depend on which particular social skill or skills the irritating person in question lacks. For example, would you deal differently with someone who’s very quiet and has trouble making conversation vs. someone who’s very talkative and has trouble shutting up?
Here’s the thing, the flaws hardest to tolerate in others, the ones that really grate on us horribly, it seems it’s always because we have those same flaws, as you so willingly acknowledge.
I too would pull away, were I you. Few things are as uncomfortable as feeling embarrassment for someone else.
This is a bit of a loaded question that’s kind of vague. It really depends on what is akward about them. If they are shy and unnassumming but for the most part polite, then they’re ok. If they’re a jerk but they’re charming, it could go either way.
I just try to be nice to everyone. It’s not so hard. Be careful with what you say. Be patient and kind with everybody.
What Essured said. I find that taking the approach of expecting adults to act like adults saves me a lot of time. If someone can’t figure out why everyone keeps dropping them like a hot potato, they certainly have means at their disposal to research the question and do something about it.
I pretty much take the opposite tack: I don’t expect people to act like adults. Unless someone is in a position where they can do me harm, their crotchets really aren’t troublesome–they so obviously have nothing to do with me and everything to do with them. As others have suggested, we’re all damaged one way or another, so everyone gets a little slack just for interacting.
Also, some people with lousy social skills are easy to get along with: They usually don’t have allies so they can’t gang up on you. They don’t expect to get along with people, and you don’t expect to get along with them, so there’s no emotional investment or disappointment. The bar is set really low.
Completely self-centered people, for example, are extremely easy to deal with (unless, of course, they have power over you). They are transparent, easily fed, predictable, and have no interest in your affairs.
And I try to keep in mind what C. S. Lewis put a little differently, “There’s always one more asshole at the party than you think.”
