Shiftless your theory makes sense and is cracking me up. I was also married to an LPS and it nearly drove me insane. I may be anal about being on time but an hour late just doesn’t cut it, there is this new invention called cell phones.
[QUOTE=shiftless]
3) The behavior reinforces itself. LPs don’t like to wait (maybe because it seems like a long time to them?) If you are always late then the party always start when you get there. We always leave for the movies when my wife is ready. Dinner or outings with others always start when we get there; everyone else is there. Wouldn’t that be great? Wouldn’t we all like to walk out the door and leave immediately for whatever activity we are to going to? LPs live that life and only have to suffer dark looks from a few prissy people who worry about 5 minutes here and there.
[/quote]
As a rationale, this would tend to make me less tolerant, not more tolerant, of a person who was chronically late.
I have a couple of friends who are consistently late. I’ve found the best way to deal is just go on your own and let them arrive whenever they want. They will be missing out, not you. I will never tell them something is at 6 when it’s really at 7. That’s no way to handle an adult.
Has anyone ever gone to meet a friend at a restaurant and they don’t show up in time, so you go ahead and get a table and start ordering your drinks and meal?
[QUOTE=Nava]
…
Many of the people I know who are chronically late are also the kind of people who’ll say there’s “45 minutes” between Tudela and Saragossa; it’s true if you’re measuring the time as “time between the Tudela and Saragossa toll booths, using the toll highway and with no traffic problems”, but not if you’re measuring “time between my house in Tudela and your house in Saragossa, including getting into and out of traffic, using the road and with Ye Olde 6pm-9pm Traffic Clot thrown in.”
[/QUOTE]
You know my husband? He’ll even round “up” or “down” the wrong way. As in, it’s 4:00, but we’re be travelling at 60 mph so we should be able to get to that town that’s 100 miles away by 5:00. :rolleyes: It “takes” an hour to get to NYC from home. Well, yes, if there are no traffic problems, perfect weather, and no delays at the Hudson River crossings. Of course the only time THAT is likely is maybe 3 or 4 AM, unless there are trucks on the road. We’ve even made bets. We’re 35 miles from home, he says we’ll be there in a half hour. Of course, you cannot go a mile a minute down most roads, only on the limited-access highways. When we get off the highway, he’ll say "See, we made it. " No, we’re not home yet, and it’s already been more than 35 minutes and the bet was a half hour. “Well, we’re almost home, and that’s close enough.” He really means it.
LPS bugs the crap out of me, but with certain people I’ve come to accept it. With my ex I blame it on ADD. Typically, she’d spend 20 minutes getting ready after she said she was ready. Then she would say “OK, let’s go. I just have to use the bathroom and grab my keys.” By “grab” she meant “hunt for.” They were never in the same place twice. Then check to make sure the stove is turned off, that the cats are still in the house, that the stove is still turned off, look for her keys (in your hand, sweetie), find the cats again, one final trip to the bathroom, make sure that the stove is still turned off, look for her keys again, and then, FINALLY…
Decide that she doesn’t like what she’s wearing.
I saw it as an endearing quirk. I had to.
I think that the problem with a lot of LPs is that they don’t think in terms of an event as something that needs to be prepared for. If they need to be somewhere at 4:00, then at 3:59 they’ll be oblivious to the event. Once 4:00 rolls around, then they go to the event. This includes showering, shaving, dressing, and looking for the cats. It’s really just an inability to see time abstractly.
And I don’t see it as being disrespectful, at least not purposely. Most LPs I’ve known were very kind and respectful in all other areas.
I wouldn’t cope with an SO’s unpunctuality, at least not for long.
[QUOTE=shiftless]
20 years married to a “Late Person” (LP) and I’ve known a few others as well. It becomes somewhat manageable when you recognize that it is an illness of sorts. Think of it as like “I can’t do math” or “I can’t spell”. Sure, if you punished a poor speller enough they may shape up, or just maybe, the way they look at the world is different from ours.
My wife was late to our wedding (?!). I love her and don’t want to do the tough love kinds of solutions, like leaving for a trip at the exact time I stated, because I know she won’t make it. That’s like telling someone with a broken leg to keep up or else.
I’ve studied the problem for over 20 years…some observations.
-
LPs really don’t understand time like anal … err, I mean, punctual … people do. I don’t think they have that internal clock that tells them that 5 minutes have passed since their spouse just yelled at them. LPs use landmarks … “everyone is in the car waiting and yelling at me, I should get my coat.” “My spouse is doing the grumpy look again, must be time to go … now where did I leave my shoes.”
-
The same mechanism prevents LPs from accurately estimating how long things take. Have to drive 70 miles today? Well, we are taking I-95 and the limit is 65 there but I’ll drive 70 - QED, it will take 1 hour. And really, I’ll drive even faster than 70 so there’s no reason to get all weird at 1 hour before our appointment. LPs don’t have a “feel” for how long it really takes.
-
The behavior reinforces itself. LPs don’t like to wait (maybe because it seems like a long time to them?) If you are always late then the party always start when you get there. We always leave for the movies when my wife is ready. Dinner or outings with others always start when we get there; everyone else is there. Wouldn’t that be great? Wouldn’t we all like to walk out the door and leave immediately for whatever activity we are to going to? LPs live that life and only have to suffer dark looks from a few prissy people who worry about 5 minutes here and there.
My advice to who must live with LPS (Late Person Syndrome) is to
a) Carry a good book
b) Get ready early - it signals the LP - then do whatever you want until they are ready
c) Have fun with it:
One of my sons (A) is a LP, the other (K) has a strong internal clock. K and I are always ready early and it is fun to watch my wife and A watching each other. We have little bets on who will be last out the door. You can see the mental wheels working as each watches the other for various steps in getting ready. It appears that each is trying to be the last ready at each stage but, I believe, they get clues from each other that it is time to do things (like get on shoes) by observing that everone else has completed those stages. Two LPs together can therefore be much later that two LPs getting ready apart and meeting elsewhere, for example.
[/QUOTE]
This is fascinating stuff!
I’m a punctual person, but I understand a lot more about LPS now. 
[QUOTE=tdn]
Then she would say “OK, let’s go. I just have to use the bathroom and grab my keys.” By “grab” she meant “hunt for.” They were never in the same place twice.
[/QUOTE]
Argh! My mother does this, it drives me nuts! She never, EVER puts stuff in the same place. We once stood in line for tickets, for which she had to present a special discount card. She was fartin’ around digging through her purse grumbling, while holding everyone else up in line behind us and wasting the box office person’s time . Finally, I said: “We’ll just get back in line, thank you.” and I led her to the back of the line to start over again.
It had been a long wait in line the first time around, if she didn’t have her card readily accessible, why didn’t she look for it then? And why is is so hard to find her various cards/keys/medicine every single time? When I carry a backpack, I always put my wallet and keys in the same pocket, every single time. Fianceephone and my sister do the same. My dad always put his stuff in the same spot. So habitually trained that if you don’t remember what you did with your wallet, you could be pretty sure that you absent-mindedly put it right where it always goes.
My mom seems to like moving her shit around for the challenge or something. I don’t know. When we’re late because of mom, it’s because she can’t find her wallet or keys and it takes 45 minutes (and often a lot of panic on her part) to find them. Luckily, my mom always likes to be prompt so gives her self a big time cushion for leeway. She’s rarely actually late.
[QUOTE=tdn]
LPS bugs the crap out of me, but with certain people I’ve come to accept it. With my ex I blame it on ADD.
[/QUOTE]
I’ve seen ADD blamed for tardiness in this and the earlier trainwre… er, thread.
Just wanted to chime in as a person with quite a severe case of adult ADD & say that I’m compulsively early. I mean, I have to travel with a book in my car at all times.
I know lateness is a symptom for some some folks with ADD, but not all of us.
[QUOTE=tdn]
I think that the problem with a lot of LPs is that they don’t think in terms of an event as something that needs to be prepared for. If they need to be somewhere at 4:00, then at 3:59 they’ll be oblivious to the event. Once 4:00 rolls around, then they go to the event. This includes showering, shaving, dressing, and looking for the cats. It’s really just an inability to see time abstractly.
And I don’t see it as being disrespectful, at least not purposely. Most LPs I’ve known were very kind and respectful in all other areas.
[/QUOTE]
This is my SO, down to the toes. Lovely man - kind, respectful, always willing to go out of his way to do anything for me. But inevitably late.
We had some long talks about this, and things have gotten a lot better. One of the key breakthroughs was to do a step-by-step breakdown of what it would take to get him out the door.
As an example: there was somewhere we absolutely had to be by 4:00. The night before, I asked him what time he was planning on starting to get ready, and he said 3:15 - after all, it takes him 45 minutes to shower, shave, and dress. All of the other things needed to get ready - coffee, subway ride, looking up the directions online, etc. - take less than 45 minutes, so they could be fit in around the shower/shave/dress part. I gently pointed out that these things have to be done SEQUENTIALLY, i.e. drink coffee and look up things online (10 min), then shower and dress (45 min), and THEN take the subway ride (30 min). It genuinely hadn’t occured to him, and he felt like a dolt.
I’ve also decided to let a lot of things go - in most cases it doesn’t really matter what time we do things at. We simply always arrange to meet somewhere comfortable (home, a good bar, my workplace) so that whoever is waiting can eat, drink, and surf the net.
I nag.
Of course, my husband’s not a pathological late person like others mentioned upthread, but he entirely lacks the internal clock. He’s learned, through trial and error, how long it takes him to get ready for work in the morning, and thankfully as someone who drives for a living can peg transit times spot-on, but he can’t track the flow of time without a clock.
I have occasionally phoned him at 1 am, knowing that he’s gone out with friends after his capoeira class finished at 10 pm, and he’ll be convinced that it’s only about quarter past 11. When I point out the actual time, he’s very apologetic.
You know, I can’t get the Sheckstress to be on time for anything. I try mixing it up a bit and telling her the early time. She’ll actually BE ON TIME, and now 30 minutes early. I try switching back to the correct time, she;s late again.
It’s for EVERYTHING. She’s got a plane to catch at 8:15. It takes 60 minutes to get there on a good day. Time she thinks we should leave? 7:00. Because I told her 6:00. Then, can’t understand why I wanted to leave so early because I was able to make the trip in 45 minutes. Of COURSE I could. I was traveling a minimum of 90 MPH the whole time!
I’ve followed a number of the ‘On time vs. Late Person’ threads in the SDMB. Being consistently late is passive aggressive behavior on the part of the late person, and disrespectful to the person that is kept waiting.
The always late person can make as many excuses as they want. It doesn’t change the facts.
Late every once and a while? No prob. Consistently? No way.
I had an ex-boyfriend who was never on time for anything when it came to me. The only time I actually did anything about it was once when I really wanted to see the beginning of a movie, so while he was in the shower I set all the clocks and his watch ahead by 45 minutes. We actually arrived in time to see almost a full trailer! That was the only time in three years I saw a movie beginning to end with him.
[QUOTE=Mrs. Cake]
I had an ex-boyfriend who was never on time for anything when it came to me. The only time I actually did anything about it was once when I really wanted to see the beginning of a movie, so while he was in the shower I set all the clocks and his watch ahead by 45 minutes. We actually arrived in time to see almost a full trailer! That was the only time in three years I saw a movie beginning to end with him.
[/QUOTE]
Did he know that it bothered you to be late? I’m guessing so. It’s a control issue for some. A complete skatter brain inability to plan anything for others. He made it on time, when ‘time’ was wrong.
My Wife and I are on time. Makes life easier. If we make plans to leave the house at 6am, and she or I didn’t get up untill 7? Well, that just wouldn’t happen. and visa-versa. Because that would almost always mean that we are keeping someone else waiting and we just don’t do that.
After 10 years of marriage, I can say that we have never left the house within more than 15 minutes of when we we planned on. We can be a bit scatter brained ourselves. And there is last minute shit, almost always. But it isn’t that hard to plan a little before, get your ass out of bed and get moving.
I really don’t understand what the big deal is.