How do you deal with your SO's unpunctuality?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I have to admit this is the one thing about my SO that drives me nuts - her time management is totally abysmal. There’s a running joke (in which she participates, or I wouldn’t find it funny) about there being standard time and Liz time.

Now it’s funny at one level, but it’s very, very annoying when someone is always late for things, and makes me late for events we’re attending together. I’ve pointed this out gently, I’ve pointed it out strongly and I’ve been downright nasty about it once. She keeps on admitting that her time management sucks, but nothing changes. I’m no paragon of punctuality myself, but I do try - and succeed, by and large - to be on time for things. She just doesn’t seem to have the knack. I’ve had promises of being home by 9 several times, and I know by hard experience that it usually means 11. Today is one of those days, and I am quite frankly fed up. Any ideas on how I could deal with this, because it’s driving me batty?

2

I’m not going to say it…

3

Oh go on, you know you want to. :stuck_out_tongue:

4

I don’t deal with it at all anymore. Takes less energy.

5

My girlfriend couldn’t be on time for something if it were on accident. The only time I’ve ever done anything except say something about showing a lack of respect was when my dad got remarried two years ago and I lied about what time we had to be there by two hours so we were actually early (which I am, obsessively, for everything) and she got so mad she didn’t talk to me until late that night.

You just get used to it.

6

Been there, done that.

You could take the route of lying to them about what time you’re meeting, but that will almost always backfire when they a)arrive on time for the first time in their life or b)find out because someone will make an innocent comment when the two of you arrive at your location on time, rather than an hour late as per usual. That Murphy, he’ll get you every time.

So, what you need to do is revisit the issue again - preferably not right after an offense when you’re fuming mad because she’s late AGAIN, but rather when you’re both hanging out at home (or other neutral, but not public, territory) and both in a rational state of mind. Make it clear that this is something that really bothers you, and that as much as you love her, this is a part of her that you really don’t love all that much. She’s disrespecting you by not putting in the effort to arrive on time, and taking you for granted by assuming you’ll still be around waiting for her whenever she gets around to showing up.

And hey, if it pisses you off that badly, allow me to point you in the direction of some very wise advice that applies to anything in life. (and walk in this case means that you tell her point-blank that you’ll leave without her if she hasn’t shown up by X time, especially if it means that waiting around will make you late too).

7

We actually have to do that with Mrs. RickJay’s best friend. If they need to be somewhere at 5, we say 4:30, and usually they get in around 5:15.

With my father in law, we simply gave up, and for a while doing anything with them that necessitated being somewhere at a particular time. The last straw was when he said he’d be over for dinner at 6 (he TOLD us he’d be over for dinner - he wasn’t invited) and showed up at 10:30, and expressed surprise that his food was cold. So we stopped trying; if they want to come over for dinner we ask them to show up at noon to hang out or do something, and that way if they’re four hours late at least they’re on time for dinner.

Interestingly, after we did this for awhile, they started being more punctual.

8

As a perpetually late person and partner to a perpetually late person, I’d say go with the “tell her the wrong time” thing, on events that are important to you. My friends did that with me for years. I knew they did it, I knew why, it worked. My mom also used to do that to my dad. Again, he knew, it worked, no problem.

You probably want to mention it ahead of time, but I don’t see where she’s got grounds to get upset over it if she knows she has a problem. By mention it, I mean during that friendly discussion Mahna Mahna talks about. Just tell her that you’ll be doing this sometimes, in order to get places on time when it’s important to you. Don’t do it every time, or she might start taking it into account. :eek: If she does get pissed, then I’d say she’s probably not worth your time.

OTOH, you might need to reconsider your perceptions and needs also, and put them up for discussion at the same time. If you perceive this behavior as lack of respect or caring for you (which many people do, although I think they’re usually wrong), then you’re going to be more upset over it than if you perceive it as an unfortunate quirk. That’s something that needs to be worked out between you.

Why is it important to you that she get home by a specific, pre-arranged time? In my family, we have much more general timeframes. For instance, “I’ll be home early” means somewhere before 10pm, “I’ll be home late” means somewhere between 10pm and 1am, and “I’ll be home really late” means the wee hours of the morning. (More or less - none of those are actual “official” timeslots, just a general notion.) If ETA moves from one slot to another, a phone call takes care of it.

There have been a couple of occasions where someone wasn’t paying attention and didn’t make that phone call. Although the other family members were pissed off (and worried - this was before we had cell phones), it wasn’t a major issue. Apologies and promises to do better (and we have) were all that was needed.

Oh, and leaving without her is also OK. We do this regularly when we’re going to a non-time-specific event (most of the things we go to aren’t on a strict schedule). If someone is running behind, the others will go ahead and leave. It relieves the frustration of those who are ready and relieves the pressure on those who are running late. Generally makes the whole event more enjoyable. Again, you want to discuss this in advance, but it’s certainly a viable technique.

9

If they were handing out thousand dollar bills on the corner at precisely 7 PM and not later, would she be there? If so, your considerations are simply not important enough.

I had an ex who was never late for work. She was never late for the movies. (They tend to start whether you are there or not.) But she could be hours late to meet me.

It’s one of the reasons she’s an ex. Her assumption that my time was less valuable than hers put a bit of a damper on the relationship.

IMO, there is nothing you can do.

10

You can’t change anyone. Since it’s obvious an adult can be on time if he or she chooses to, your SO is choosing not to. You’ve been very clear about how important punctuality is to you, but it isn’t working, which shows a lack of respect in my opinion.

Lying about what time you expect your SO to be someplace is just falling into a worrying cycle of sick behavior. Why should you have to manipulate someone to get them to be on time?

Having been through this with several SOs, I speak from experience when I say that you are the only one who is going to change here. Either you will manage to change your expectations, or you will change partners.

11

After 14 years I just deal with it. She’s never going to change so no point in bitching about it.

12

My husband was 2 hours late for our first date. That should have been a clue, but I was 16 and he was cute. It’s been over 40 years now.

It was a major problem for a while since I come from a family environment where being on time was of tremendous, almost compulsive importance. Dad got home from work at 4:30. Supper was at 5:00. Not 5:15. Not 4:55. 5:00, and woe be unto her who was late.

We have over the decades improved each other. I’ve come to realize that in some cases the EXACT time really doesn’t matter. If something’s really important to me, I’ll tell him I’m leaving in 10 minutes, if he wants to come, too, better be there. He has also learned that if we’re travelling together, it will be a lot less stressful for both of us if he agrees to be at the airport earlier than he thinks he needs to be. And allow extra time for emergencies, which of course never happen if you allow extra time for them. We tend to lie to him about times, though. Want to leave at 2:00? Tell him you must leave at 1:30.

Part of it was the culture he was raised in – refugee during and after WWII, displaced persons, etc. In such situations time becomes irrelevant. His mother and his stepfather were the same way, though, so part of it was just their particular “way.” After a couple of times of trying to hold off on serving a nice holiday meal, only to finally sit down to what had become dried-out leftovers, I did two things. One, I always lied to them about what time something was happening by at least a half hour or more. Second, if the meal was ready, it would be served to whoever was there, and latecomers got whatever was left in whatever condition.

13

This particular situation doesn’t seem to me to be about time management or punctuality. What is she doing tonight? Is she out with friends? Working? Running errands?

Whatever it is, it seems like she feels pressure from you to cut the time she is spending at the activity short. Thus, a “promise” to be home by 9:00. But she perhaps feels that this activity is something she should be free to pursue at her own pace. Maybe that means having another cup of coffee with her friend after the movie, getting dinner near work then going back to tackle whatever at the office, clearing her desk completely rather than just doing enough to get by, or combining some shopping for pleasure with her errands.

If I told my husband I’d be home by 9:00, personally, I’d be home by 9:00. But, OTOH, I can’t think of any reason why I’d be promising him that. If I told him 11:00, or 1:00, that would be for informational purposes only.

Is she leaving you caring for the kids longer than you expected to? Is your real issue a dissatisfaction with how she is spending her time? Or is it really about punctuality and you just picked an example that is a little unclear?

14

But it’s a different commitment for every adult to do so. People who do not work or work fixed hours, take scheduled public transport, or drive in traffic-free times and areas, and who tend to have friends who do so as well will have a lot less problems being on time than somebody who does not. I don’t fit into any of those, and I generally tend to mis-estimate how long tasks take me (in both directions). I tried being honest with people but the only honest thing I can say is “I don’t know when I’m going to be home, I don’t know what I’m doing tomorrow, tonight or this weekend, and I have no clue if I can make it to a movie at 8pm”. It’s a very lonely existence.

A lot of my life is dealt with dealing with hissy fits – coworkers, customers, computers, equipment, friends, etc. These things are unpredictable, unscheduled and can take from a minute to a week. There are obviously fixed times in life, but they come at a sacrifice. On average I’ve been getting off work at around 7:30pm lately. If you want to meet me at 8:00pm and punctuality is important, then I have to request a half-day about a week in advance. If you want a fixed time every day, fuck off.

15

Calm voice;

“I’m going to do what I need to do when I need to do it, and if you cannot be there when it happens, I’m going to do it without you. This applies to everything.”

Then stop worrying about it, stop stressing about it and just do what you need to do, regardless of the other person’s failure to appear. If that means you drive to a party alone and let her worry about her own transportation and arrival, then do it! If that means meals alone, do it!

Don’t get angry, don’t get stressed. Just get used to the idea that if you want to do something at a certain time, you’re going to be doing it alone. That doesn’t make it an attack on the other person and no anger is required. It is not revenge, or insensitive, or personally offensive. It’s simply taking control of your own self and making sure that you do not suffer because someone else is insensitive and selfish, without ever making it be about their bad behavior.

16

This puzzles me. If you know this is being done and know it works, why not do it yourself? Problem solved!

I hope this doesn’t sound snarky - I’m genuinely curious. I’ve seen this more than a few times and, as a punctual person, never understood it.

17

There have been occasions when I told my husband, as I’m watching the clock, “OK, I need to be at X on time, so I’m going now.”

(And let me just add that the stereotype of women taking forever to get ready really frosts my cookies. If time is of the essence, I can be in and out of the shower, makeup applied, hair dried, dressed and ready to go in 20 minutes. My husband takes freakin’ forever.)

18

For many years I got very angry and stressed out about my husband’s tendency to be late and then stay at events long after I felt it was polite to leave. I communicated in the “oh so accepted ways.” Honey, can we talk about how this makes me feel.? Can we strategize about how to help me with my problem? Can we agree on the times for today so I’ll feel more comfortable?

No changes, no recognition, or (even worse) empty promises that I had to try to believe, followed by broken trust.

Then I had one of those “aha” moments where I realized I was sick of being angry and stressed and I just wasn’t going to set myself up for frustration by believing that somehow “things” would be different today than they were yesterday. He’s a late person, I’m a timely person. Alternatively, he’s relaxed and I’m uptight. Pick whichever judgmental value statement you want.

I unilaterally decided that this was simply an area of incompatibility. From then on, I stopped discussing event times with him. We have two cars and I know how to drive them. :slight_smile: I leave when I’m ready. I arrive on time. I go home when I’m tired. He takes the other car and follows his own schedule. I make no assumptions about when he’s coming home from work or from a separate social engagement–that way I don’t worry if he’s “late”–there is no “late” if there is no expectation.

He’s a good and enjoyable person, but for whatever reason chose not to work with me on this issue. It wasn’t a deal breaker for me, but being stressed and angry would have been. So I adjusted.

It is difficult when there is a wedding or one of the children has a sporting event or concert. But it is not my problem.

19

Preach it sister. Every time he says he’s ready, he isn’t really. He still has to get his shoes on, tie his shoes, find a coat, find his keys and his wallet, then use the bathroom.

If I say I’m ready, my keys are in my hand and I’m ready to start the car.

20

She had a meeting of her college alumni board. Perhaps not the best example, as you pointed out. I’m not pressurising her to cut her time short - I have no problem with her being back whenever she does.

The reason this particular time was an issue was that she likes to eat dinner together, as do I. So I was waiting for her, and nary a word. She eventually got back at 11:30, which is far too late for me, because I need to wake up relatively early to get to work on time. I would be quite happy to eat by myself and go to bed, if I knew she was going to be late. She’s not under the same sort of pressure because she’s a PhD student, and therefore has a more flexible schedule.

But as I said, the real issue is punctuality, and this isn’t the clearest example. There have been plenty of times when we’ve been going to meet friends, and we have to call and apologise for being late, or I hang around for an hour or more waiting for her to turn up. That is the real issue; I don’t have any problems with how she wants to spend her time, but I do expect that for things that involve other people, there will be some realistic estimate of when people will turn up, and communication if that changes.

Actually, that’s all I need - some sort of realistic estimate of how long things will take so I can plan around it for things that we share. Informational purposes only.

Like I said above, it isn’t. But if she expects (and this is a strong pressure that I do feel) that we should eat together and spend some time together every night, I need to know approximately when she’ll be home, so I can have dinner ready if it’s my turn to cook. The thing is that she wants everything, and doesn’t see that she has to compromise. That, coupled with a tendency to underestimate time taken for tasks leads her to over-commit. If this was an infrequent thing, there wouldn’t be a problem, but if almost every time she goes out I have to wonder whether to eat and go to bed or wait up, it’s a problem. It honestly is about the time management.