How I feel about such requests?
I wouldn’t spend my money on them, no.
First of all I find luxury items silly and wasteful in the first place. I define luxury as: “something high priced where there is an equally usable cheaper version available of, and the only difference is the status-aspect”.
Secondly, I’d rather spend my money on bootstrap stuff for really poor people, who just happen not to live in my country. Heifer project or Kiva make me feel better about doing charity.
I wouldn’t buy my own kids an XBox for Christmas. (We do have one, it isn’t a Christmas present). My kids are spoiled and live in a house with two professional parents who make good money - and we don’t spend anywhere near what I’ve seen on charity lists on them.
We do buy a few game consoles every year for Christmas and drop them off at the Children’s Hospital. I don’t know if they give them to families or use them in the hospital themselves. Also games for them.
The idea that people “deserve” luxury items - or anything beyond basic needs - is far to close to “people are entitled to those things.” And maybe they deserve them, but that doesn’t mean I’m obligated to provide them. Where do you draw the line? I think I “deserve” a private jet and a home in Tahiti. Your inheritant worth is not larger or smaller based on your possessions. But we don’t all get the same possessions. That doesn’t mean that a “treat” shouldn’t go into an adopt a family’s gift list. But treats don’t need to be XBoxes and leather jackets.
I was in a shelter for a while years ago, when my children were very small. They had an adopt-a-family program there, and each woman had to fill out a form with requests for herself and whatever children she might have had. This was surprisingly hard to do, because the program provided all the toiletry/undergarments/basics that the kids needed, and like many of you mentioned I felt funny asking for anything extravagent when I was basically begging. I asked for winter boots and a heavy coat, and some simple toys for the kids and quickly had my list sent back to me. “More stuff, add more stuff. They need more choices.”
So my assumption is that these list-makers are often being encouraged and/or required to ask for the moon in order to participate. It also likely looks better for the sponsoring organization is if they can point to these high-dollar items as the fruit of their efforts. Add in that basic needs are very often met by other social service agencies and niche charities and “luxury” requests are almost inevitable. If Childrens Services is providing you with vouchers for school uniforms, you don’t need to put them on a wish list. Living in a shelter sucked, but I actually had more new stuff then than at any other time in my life because of all the do-gooders. And to the group that adopted my family back then – Thank You! They gave more than I (uncomfortably) asked for and truly made that Christmas special for my kids. Amidst all the other crap in their lives at the time, it was a welcome slice of extravagance.
If it’s not something you want to support, don’t. But remember that this might be the only time during the year that these kids are asked what they *want * and it’s hard for a 8-year-old to understand that because of his family’s financial situation he should only ask for a hair shirt.
I run a Girl Scout troop and the pressure we get from Council to do certain things so that it looks good for the United Way so we get United Way funding is ridiculous. Girl Scouts is supposed to be girl led, and most troops don’t meet for that long or for that often. And most troops are only working with their own cookie money - the United Way money is going for the big stuff. Honestly, both United Way and the Council have got to BACK OFF or they are going to piss off their volunteer leaders - who just can’t fit it all in - or fund it - and the girls, who don’t want to do it.
And shelters and adopt a family programs are similar. When so many families have so many needs, and we are being told that food shelves are empty and running mitten trees because the kids at school don’t have mittens, its hard to look at a list of extravagant luxuries and not feel like your charitable dollars might be better spent just putting toys in the Toys for Tots box or stocking the food shelf or making sure the kids at school have hats and mittens. Why should one kid get an XBox while ten go without mittens? Or anything but the canned green beans and boxes of minute rice and pasta left on the food shelf.
So if I knit and donate 10 pairs of mittens, THEN can I buy my adopt a family an x-box?
Honestly, it seems like you skimmed over the rest of belladonna’s post - necessities were supplied by…someone - the families making the lists were advised to choose items that were NOT necessities.
If you would like to be the ‘someone’ who supplies necessities, I think that’s fantastic, but I can’t understand begrudging a family down on it’s luck a luxury or two.
There are assholes at every station in life.
Several years ago, I volunteered at a foodbank through a local church. One year at Christmas, through the generous donations of several folks, the foodbank was able to provide a full christmas to about 20 needy families in our community. This included:
Most of the families we delivered the items to were extremely gracious and genuinely appeared to be in need. However one house we delivered to was the exception.
The house was in a very run down part of town, but there was a brand new sports car parked in the driveway. When we entered the house with the items, there was a big screen TV in the living room running the latest gaming system with a completely innappropriate game (first person shooter) for the 5 and 6 year olds to be playing. The house was filthy, no attempt to pick up or clean. Empty and old take out food containers everywhere. The adult male in the house, starts bitching when he sees the frozen turkey, asking “how the fuck are they going to eat that?” The mom appeared to be embarrassed but never said a word.
As much as that left a bitter taste in my mouth that day. I still think it’s important to help out others when you can.
I agree that there are just different giving styles, and there is room for all of it. Personally, I get offended when I see people giving to domestic animal charities, given that there are still so many sentient people suffering. But I know the “there is always someone worse off” game is a pointless one. None of use are going to change the world by giving the extra money we would have otherwise spent on fancy coffee drinks.
Ultimately, in any case, I think most giving to charity is about pleasing ourselves, getting a little ego boost, and basking the the “warm fuzzy” feeling for a bit. That’s fine. It all does plenty of real-life good. Give whatever make you feel best, as long as you have some minimum respect for whoever will get the end results (as in, don’t give them weird cans of potted meat you’d never buy for your family because that was literally the cheapest food on the shelf.) It’s all good stuff.
As for poverty in America, I think the biggest problem is that American poverty is socially isolating. Being poor in material goods is not as big of a deal if you are surrounded by your friends and family in a rich and vibrant community. The things that make life worth living are still there. But having a car and a TV won’t make up for the fact that you live in a violent area, can’t visit your parents back home for Christmas, and only get to see your kids for a couple hours between your two jobs. Material goods are just a small part of poverty.
I think there is a difference between young people who haven’t quite found their path in life and need to start seeing their world as one of options rather than impossibilities, and poor families that likely have systematic problems (health issues, low education, kids, addictions in the family etc.) that will likely keep them poor for quite some time. Some people need a hand up, others really do just need something to make the misery a little more bearable.
You can buy them a private jet and an island in Tahiti and no mittens at all. I think you missed my point.
It is the organizations that need to understand that those that give look at a request for an XBox, and a mailing from Heifer International saying that thanks to the gift of a goat, his family now eats better and he goes to school and saying “where should I put my money.” Charitable giving is highly competitive. If the organization is pushing people in the shelters to choose not necessities because it makes their charitble pushes more successful, I think that is a recipe for long term backfire in an economy where 1 in 6 kids is actually hungry. If the shelter is well stocked for necessities, then they are better off than a lot of people in our country - and a whole lot of people in our world. And I may choose to put my charitable dollars where they seem more needed.
Or I may by someone a private jet and an island in Tahiti - its my money, I get to decide where to direct it.
I agree with a great deal of what even sven said, with a few additional points.
Sadly, in these days, you have your choice of many charities to direct your funds. Every person should do as their conscience bids, and give according to their abilities and inclintions.
Even though I am not a very religious Jew at all, I am very influenced by the jewish idea of “tzedakah” which is somewhat like charity but also an idea of delivering fairness or justice. We are talking here about Christmas/Holiday charities. It is normal and natural for parents to want to provide certain things to their kids, “that all the other kids have.” No one enjoys the feeling of being poor, children maybe least of all. If you’ve never been poor (or even just plain broke) you may not know how thoroughly unfun, depressing, and most of all, stigmatizing, the experience is. Even if the parents have made stupid choices in their day, does that mean that their children are never entitled to something fun and yes, status-conferring? I would say that is not correct.
I do not think that it is “wrong” to ask for high value gifts in a charity specifically designed to deliver non-necessities at holiday time. The holidays are a time where, culturally, we exchange non-necessities. It is up to the donor to fulfill them or not, or select a charity that deals in necessities if that is their preference. As I said at the beginning of this post, there is plenty of need to go around.
I used to be very involved in deployed-soldier care package projects, and get really put off when one group would ask for an x-box, while others just needed toothpaste and a pair of socks. Then I realized, “what the fuck do I know about it? Who am I to say what a soldier in Afganistan needs or doesn’t need?” I think the put-off feeling comes from realizing that you cannot fulfill that request (maybe you can’t afford it for yourself) and the sense that what you CAN give is “lesser” or unappreciated. That makes you feel bad, where you expected that charitable giving would make you feel good. Then comes resentment towards the requestor, the person who made you feel bad. I have to say I felt better as a human being when I stopped judging one request against another, and just focused on what I, personally, am able to provide. They are all meritorious.
Whatever you do, do it wholeheartedly and without judgement. While giving begrudgingly is still a form of charity, it is the lowest form of tzedakah.
I agree with even sven’s proposition that you really ought to buy for your adopted family the same way you’d buy for your own.
Having said that, I don’t buy extravagant stuff for my own family. We live without cable, smartphones, or gaming systems. We get books from the library, movies from Netflix, and clothes from Goodwill or Old Navy. There are plenty of toys that kids love that are pretty cheap to buy new.
I appreciate belladonna’s point that the families are probably being asked to give very long lists of wishes so that the buyers have a choice. I would pick out the items that I’d give to my own family and get those–and ignore the flashy bling.
Last week, I participated in the Salvation Army’s “Angel Tree” program. What I liked about the program was that I was provided with a list of both “wants” and “needs” for the child I picked out, and I was able to buy things from both categories as I saw fit. I liked that the requestor (or the Salvation Army, on behalf of the requestor) drew the distinction and still allowed me to make my own decision about what to contribute.
For the record, I don’t think a single kid whose requests I perused asked for a gaming system (although there were requests for games for those systems). The most expensive thing several kids asked for was a bicycle, and while that wasn’t in my budget this year, it reminded me that “expensive” doesn’t always mean “extravagant.” Sure, spending $100 on a bike might seem like a lot compared to $20 on a load of underwear, but the kid might get years of use out of a gift like that. I have no objection to that.
I should probably add that when I buy stuff for charity, I usually don’t buy the cheapest kind. I’ll buy name brand tuna, for instance, and I usually buy chunk light tuna in water, because that’s what I buy for myself. I usually buy some canned tuna because a lot of people like it, it’s shelf stable until it’s opened, and it’s a decent source of protein. I generally won’t buy potted meat because I think it tastes like crap. If someone had it on their list, though, I’d buy it. Protein is a need, not a want.
We are runnning a pretty tight ship this year but I agree with Lynn. Usually, when I buy for Toys for Tots programs or put mittens on the mitten tree, I get things that I wouldn’t normally get at home (we buy generic everything and mittens come from the dollar store. They get lost at the same rate but with less loss from my pocket book).
One of the great food bank programs that we have at my grocery store is a brown bag full of food that costs 5 dollars. They choose the items based on what the food banks have said they need (and the items inside change over time as that changes). The store itself will put between 6 and 8 dollars worth of items inside so you are getting even more bang for your buck. Since I am paying for my groceries anyway, another 5 dollars isn’t going to make that much difference for me so I just throw one in the cart and put it in the donation bin on the way out.
There are needs, and there are gifts. For a lot of kids, one “cool” gift makes the difference in how they see themselves. When all the other kids are swapping Xbox games at school, and you don’t have one - you feel left out.
I typically sponsor a Marine family every year. I get a list of things the kids of a deployed Marine want, and I happily deliver it. I try to just meet the Mom, so that she can put the presents under the tree as if they came from the parents or Santa if she so chooses. I don’t want credit, and I don’t even like to stay for more than 2 minutes to unload my truck. I want those kids to have the same life as others have, without feeling like they are screwed because daddy enlisted.
Yah - I quoted you, but I wasn’t really quoting you, if you know what I mean.
I agree that charitable organizations often do things to shoot themselves in the foot. I recently cancelled my adopt-a-child sponsorship because the organization sent so much promotional material asking for MORE money I figured that of the amount I was contributing, less than 50% was actually getting to the child.
And I also agree that people need to direct their giving dollars to where they feel it’s the most important and can do the most good. The thing that gets my hackles up is when people (not you) make comments suggesting that those on charitable lists don’t deserve nice things. It smacks a bit of you’ll take what I give you and be thankful, even if what I give you is crap. I think every child deserves something nice at Christmas or whichever holiday is appropriate for them.
I’m reminded a bit of a friend that I had when I was younger. She was a single mother on welfare. My contribution to her situation was to get her a good paying job with benefits - and I actually did get her the job - I did a bit of a hard sell on the person hiring and she was hired without an interview or anything. Anyhow, her coworkers learned of her situation and decided they wanted to ‘help’ her out. This was achieved by all of them loading up boxes of their broken/chipped dish ware, coffee makers with frayed cords, microwaves that sparked when you turned them on, stained linens, ripped clothing, etc into boxes and presenting this crap to her like it was the best thing ever. Listen people - just because she’s a single mother with a very limited income it doesn’t mean that she wants your garbage. When her response to being given this crap was luke warm, many of these women were outraged. How DARE she turn down my crap! It’s not good enough for me, but she’s POOR - it should be good enough for HER. Ugh.
And lest anyone think otherwise, stories like Wilbo523’s make me wild although there really is only one bad guy in the story - the douchy guy, and those can be found everywhere, not just on charitable giving lists.
We just – I mean just – got an e-mail from our department administrator about the two families we’re “adopting.” One is a mother with a 9-year-old son and a 1-year-old son. The mother wants grocery store and discount shoe store gift cards, bed linens, and clothes; for the 9-year-old:
For the other family, pregnant mom and three children. Daughter likes Dora the Explorer and wants coloring supplies; sons like Scooby Doo and Incredible Hulk and want bikes, a Browns football and a Jenga game. Everybody needs personal hygiene items.
I don’t see any X-boxes on there. I think this list came through the Salvation Army, because that’s where the gifts will be dropped off.
It’s the Winnie the Pooh and Scooby Doo that are getting to me. It’s making it really personal. And the moms want Payless gift cards, not Coach purses. I may go out and buy some coloring books this weekend. 
I don’t see how someone can call you a Scrooge for stating the simple truth.
Nice warm clothing, reasonably priced toys, some good food? Absolutely!
Designer leather goods, high-end electronics, champagne and caviar? Not with my fucking money…
America is in a tough spot right now, but there are places where basic life needs (food, shelter, medicine) are in damn scarce supply, and to me, buying some random American family an X-Box does not rank high on my go-to charity giving list.
The local radio station does “Angels on the Air” every year, where they encourage people to get Salvation Army Angle Tree angels. People call and request boy, or infant girl, etc. Today they were reading the requests from an 89 year old woman (not an X-box). Her needs were basic toiletries like soap and shampoo and her “wish” was toothpaste.
My company has a small angel tree (not through the SA) and one of the wants for one family was Roach Motels because they have a pest problem.
BTW - one little girl wants “winkies”. Does anyone know what that is?
StG
Agreed, unfortunately.
It is like donating food. The idea is to feed the hungry. If you give someone food, and they say “I only like name brands”, they’re aren’t hungry.
Beggars can’t be choosers. I’m not talking about gifting garbage, I am talking about giving the same stuff I fed my children when they were little. And for the same reason - you don’t need it just because you saw it on TV.
Regards,
Shodan
Actually I am one of the people who doesn’t like the word “deserve” - its too much like “entitled” to me. No one has a right to new dishes. Are they nice to have? - sure. Are you obligated to take someone’s chipped crap? - nope. Are people who donate new dishes generous? - sure. Should people donate new dishes? - if that’s what floats your boat. But if you need dishes - an old set is better than nothing. And if you don’t need dishes “thank you for thinking of me, but I have dishes - I’m sure those will be appreciated at the Salvation Army” is fine.
None of this has to do with anyone’s worth as a human being. Giver or receiver. Its a matter of finate resources. Someone needs dishes, I have an old, but still functional set. Yes, I could buy them new dishes, but there are other places I’d rather spend my money. Like on new dishes for myself.