Every year one of the local newspapers highlights families in need and asks for donated gifts. Each day there’s an article describing one family-how they ended up in need, ages, a little history. At the end of the article there’s always a wish list submitted by the family.
The lists tend to read “the 14-year-old wants a cell phone” “mom would like a leather jacket” or “Doug (10) deserves an X-Box.” There’s some practical requests but mostly they tend towards higher priced and unnecessary items.
I’m trying to decide where to donate this year and lists like this have me torn.
Part of me thinks if you’ve just got through saying you have to send your kids to school in windbreakers in the winter in Michigan you should be focusing on getting immediate needs met before getting luxury items.
The other part of me thinks I’m being a Grinchy bitch for begrudging some kids a gadget to take their minds off how crappy their lives currently are. I realize when a kid’s living in a shelter or wearing badly fitting hand me downs, maybe having something just as nice (or a bit better) than her classmates can be a boost.
So, what are your thoughts, Dopers? It’s possible the wording of some of the profiles and lists is what’s getting to me, so I’d like to hear some other opinions.
I always snort at things like cell phones and Xboxes. The cell phone is going to incur a monthly bill. And Doug is going to want at least one game for that XBox…and then he’s going to get bored with it, and want the newest game. And those games are NOT cheap, not by any means. I have an XBox myself, and even the used games are pretty steep.
I can sort of see Mom wanting a leather jacket…leather is warmer than cloth, for the most part, but nowadays with fleece and all sorts of new materials, a synthetic material jacket might very well be warmer, and have far less upkeep.
I think that sometimes people ask for the moon, and figure that they might not get it, but if you don’t ask, the answer is always “no”. I don’t think that they consider that asking for such things is off-putting to some people.
I’m on a list that’s similar to Freecycle, and while some people ask for reasonable things, others ask for things like brand new game consoles and accessories. On the other hand, when I had a few things to offer, they were quickly snapped up by people who WANTED things like elm wood (we had a severely damaged tree that we cut down) and new jeans that my husband didn’t like the cut of.
Usually, I donate to Heifer International, which gives livestock or plants to people in need, so that they can help themselves.
I like the plan of Heifer International [or the other bootstrap programs] they make great gifts for people that are difficult to buy for =)
With the other - I am in agreement, cells and game consoles are bad, and a good warm fabric coat is much better than a leather coat. Leather is a theft target, and takes more care than a microfiber and thisnulite coat does. I would prefer to give stuff like usable sensible clothing, good hats, gloves, coats, winter boots, school supplies. Things that are needed. If it is small, like a doll or some hot wheels sort of stuff, or family games [monopoly, parcheesi and the like] I don’t have a problem. The other stuff is just expensive fluff. I might consider a request for a tracfone for the mother however. She can at least use it for job hunting [theoretically]
My parents started adopting a family about 25 years ago. Since that time, as we kids moved out and they had less expenses, they increased the amount of money they spend. I believe this year they will be purchasing for four families.
Once I was out of college and settled into a job, I started adopting a family each year as well. This year with so many people out of work I’m going to spend a little bit more money overall with a little less budget per family so I can do two.
My parents always got family wishlists from a church they were familiar with. I found it worked out best for me to do the same.
Occasionally these lists contain items that seem a little pricey, but I’ve found that most of the time it’s “reasonable” stuff they’re requesting.
When I was an undergrad I worked with a woman who had three children. She worked part time as not to take away from her social security disability and benefits. She bragged about going to all of the “Toys for Tots” programs and the like to get presents for her kids. She hit so many of them that she usually got more for her kids than the people who had to purchase their own stuff. They’d usually provide her with grocery store gift cards or gift cards to the mall so she could buy for herself as well. No matter what you do, there will always be scam artists looking to get as much as possible and take advantage of generosity.
The worst that comes to mind was when I was helping my Mom pick out gifts one year when I was in high school. This family had requested mostly reasonable stuff but the mother requested a bottle of $300 an ounce eau de parfum. She made a specific point to say NOT eau de toilette because that was “cheap and tacky” She didn’t get it.
I’m not in the business of deciding what people who aren’t me need.
I’ve done a lot soul-searching about giving, and decided that if I am going to give, I am going to give as if it was my own family. If it’s less than I’d give my own mother or little cousin, it’s not good enough for me to give to anyone else. Why should giving less than my best be called giving? Right now, I’m not in a position to get anyone an X-Box. But a cell phone? Hell, my grade-school aged cousin has a freaking iPhone. If someone wants a cell phone, I’m certainly not the one to show you different.
I came to this conclusion when I left China, I was stuck as to what to give to my close friends. Then I realized I’d done a lot of souvenir shopping for stuff to give the folks back home. Why should I give my Chinese friends any less? So my friends got a nice jade jewelry. Nothing extravagant, but quality stuff they could keep for a long time. It was certainly extravagant for China, but you know what? If I could afford it for my mom, I could afford it for them.
Anyway, just my philosophy. If people need blankets or food, there are programs for that. But if the newspaper is running a gift program, I have no problem with people asking for the same kinds of gifts we’d give our own children.
There is plenty of time in life to learn “Basically, being poor means you get second-rate stuff, because you don’t deserve the good stuff,” and “The exchange you make when you ask for charity is that your wants and needs are no longer as relevant as the value you can provide to the rich as they dissect your life so they can cluck cluck cluck about it and then give you want you don’t want to teach you some kind of lesson they think you don’t already know about how being poor sucks.”
I know, I now, I’m self-righteous blah blah blah.
I agree with this whole post. A poor child deserves a nice gift just as much as a rich one - ditto for Johnny’s mom - perhaps she has a warm cloth coat and would like something a bit posh for a gift.
People’s circumstances change - maybe a recent job loss has meant the kids have their practical needs covered but now there’s no money for bling.
As someone who enjoys a bit of bling herself Im not going to begrudge someone else. If I can afford it I would get the gifts as requested and try not to feel quite so superior about it.
I do agree that the Eau du Parfum thing is a bit much but it would be a bit much from any of my friends or family members.
As someone who enjoys a bit of bling h
I genuinely wonder why you want to do so much for strangers in need, but when a poster complains about her own lack of funds, you tell her basically to suck it up and deal and suggest she ride a bike through highway traffic.
Why the disparity in response to economic hardship?
Well, I’m not sven, and I didn’t suggest to Rachel that she should ride a bike anywhere; however, I kind of get it.
When someone says I can’t pay my bills you offer suggestions to help them cut costs. When someone requests charity, your give what you can afford. The situations are really rather different.
I also suspect part of the difference is that Rachel is a young, able-bodied woman as opposed to a) a child or b) a single mom with a shwack of kids, although to my own mind if Rachel had suggested that she would not be getting a gift for x-mas this year I would get her something and try to choose something I would like (as opposed to something cheap and practical.)
My feeling is, if I have extra money and want to give it to people in need, I’m going to fill their NEEDS first. I’ve been poor, and I hated it. And I had people give me things like flower vases and such that I had admired. Yes, they were pretty things, but I didn’t NEED a watch or whatever. I NEEDED decent school clothes for my daughter, and things like that.
Everyone has wants and needs. Some people, however, confuse the two categories. I feel no obligation to fill someone else’s wants, though I might very well give them what they need.
How do you know what a family that you’ve never met, who’s featured in a newspaper needs?
I mean, you can think about what YOU needed when you were a bit down on your luck, but that’s you. It’s not them and maybe what they really need is for their children to have a normalish Christmas after having a crap year.
Insisting that needy children deserve only socks and underwear isn’t charity, it’s nannyism. The whole ‘You’re poor so you don’t deserve nice things.’ mentality really sticks in my craw.
My first link went to the wrong quote. It was supposed to go here.
I understand that the actions performed are different when someone complains about being poor vs. asking for charity. However, I sense a general difference in attitude, a “pull yourself up by your own bootstraps,” vs. “I’m sorry you’re poor. Let me do what I can to help you” thing going on there.
Well, it does seem like sven has a bit of a titty-hard on for Rachel for sure (she was kind of giving her the gears in the BMI thread as well), and on that point we diverge.
However, I really don’t get/like the idea that because someone is poor and request charity, they no longer have any input into what they like/deserve. A poor woman deserves a nice coat just as much as a rich one - circumstances have just made it much more difficult for her to get it.
I wanted to add, I don’t know about the newspaper families, but when I was working and we did the corporate adopt-a-family, larger gift requests were welcome - for whatever reason the university I was at always had less families than people wanting to adopt them and my entire Faculty would be stuck with a single family, possibly with only two children. If those kids had requested x-boxes, or cell phones, or whatever they would have got them along with gift cards for new games and airtime minutes. When there’s 50+ people pooling their money, that’s a lot of socks and underwear.
I guess I’m going to sound like a horrible miserly Scrooge here, but to me it’s a little gauche to ask people for extravagant things in the form of charity.
I guess ultimately though it comes down to the sentiment behind the giving. Is it, “here’s a family down on its luck; let’s get them the things they need to get through the holidays and the winter”? Then it’s a little absurd to ask for leather coats when a cheaper synthetic one will keep you just as warm.
Is it, “this family is down on its luck and I really want to treat them to something amazing because the rest of life is so hard for them?” Well then yeah, go crazy on the designer handbag.
I think also there is a sentiment that a family that is requesting help for christmas gifts probably has a lot of needs that are not being met, and someone could use the money they were going to spend on an x-box to address many of these unmet needs instead of one of the unmet wants.
Again, horrible miserly Scrooge, but to me in this circumstance “deserve” equates entirely with “ability to buy.” So no, I don’t think a poor woman “deserves” an expensive coat as much as a rich woman, simply because she lacks the ability to pay for it.
Eh - just a different style I guess. As I mentioned before, a family with a recent job loss may have all the warm coats, socks and mittens that they currently need, but have no $$ for nice toys. Or perhaps mom and dad are covering the ‘needs’ of the family and have requested help to get their child(ren) a nice gift.
I suppose at least part of my point of view is from being a spoiled little rich girl who always had a metric assload of posh gifts under the tree - a child asking for one somewhat nice gift is totally reasonable to me.
Ok. But here’s the thing - I exchange gifts with my best friend. Neither she nor I ‘need’ anything; however, if one year she said she wanted a leather coat as a gift, she would ‘deserve’ it as much as a poor woman requesting charity would, at least to my way of thinking.
Actually, she would probably ‘deserve’ that type of gift a bit less because she could go an buy herself 10 coats without breaking a sweat and I might feel a bit better getting it for someone who was down on her luck.
Again, just a different POV I guess.
I’m gonna be a Scrooge too. IMO, people deserve the basics. They don’t deserve luxuries, unless they’re willing to work for them. I’m willing to give people the basics, but I only give luxuries to my friends and family.
The thing is, even though I have plenty of money now, if I started to give every single person in the world the same sort of things that I give my friends and family, I’d very quickly run out of money. If I’m going to give to charity, I’m going to give where I think it will do the most good. I only give to those charities that show a great proportion of funds are used to actually help people, for instance. And I’d rather help five families get the basics that they need to survive, rather than give one preteen an XBox (which is easily stolen, and which needs expensive games and accessories to be playable).
So, a few days ago I participated in a fundraiser for Haiti, that I was kind of against because I’m pretty sure we could throw all the money in the world at that country and it would not get any better.
That combined with this thread made me realize that I have little sympathy for the poor. And I’m also a spoiled rich girl!
I think it’s probably inherited a bit from my parents, who grew up super poor in a super poor country and think that the poor in this country are a bit “spoiled,” IMO not without merit. We were watching a bit on the news about a girl who has started a program where books are donated to poor kids. My mom mentioned that in the States, it’s pretty easy for poor people to check as many books as they want out of the library for free, whereas in her native country, they actually had to pay to borrow library books. At first I was annoyed with her for ONCE AGAIN hating on poor people, wrt to books of all things, but upon reflection I realized she kind of had a point.
Then again comparing and ranking miseries takes us nowhere. I guess my point is that these attitudes are probably heavily shaped by our environment and upbringing. The end.
Yep - I’d buy that for a dollar. Well, for you I might up my spending to $2.50! 
ETA - I’m not dissing anyone for how they choose to give to charity - giving anything is great, and hopefully the combo of practical gift givers will mingle with the OTT gift givers and needy families will end up with a well rounded christmas getting a bit of everything.
To preface: I’ve been poor (and am still not rich financially).
During my toughest years, had someone outside of my family volunteered to do something nice for me during the holidays, stocking my pantry or paying a utility bill would have been the first things that came to mind. To receive something that required more funds to keep up (cell phone, X-Box, etc) would have been a disservice to both the giver and me.
I participate in some charity drives (not just around this time of year either). I usually go for ones that stress the practical. Like aruvqan, Lynn Bodoni and Gestalt, my giving tends toward needs rather than wants. By doing this, I can actually spread the dollars around to fill the gaps for a few more people.
ETA: or what Lynn said.