Someone who can listen to you talk and knows the right questions to ask to get past your BS.
How do you find that type of therapist who is actually good at their job? And has anyone ever been to a talk therapist that was helpful?
First of all, I’d try to avoid the psychos.
I would try your county health department.
I found they often use young kids right out of school. These are really good, 'cause they are optimisitc and haven’t been jaded and full of theory and will really give you a lot of individual attention.
The biggest part of therapy is finding one you click with. If you don’t like your therapist or feel comfortable you will be lucky to get minimal results.
And it’s not saying that person is bad a their job. But “clicking” is part of the job.
Some people don’t fit well together.
You can do what I did and just do a google search for psychotherapists in your area. Yes, I know. Not very selective. I found one within walking distance of my apartment and that had a profile that I found agreeable (i.e., like the issues they specialized in). I also liked her little write-up which explained her objectives with her patients and what kind of role she expected to have with them. My first few sessions–which they recommend you commit to if you want the therapist to 1) figure out what’s wrong with you and 2) determine whether or not there’s a solid “connection” between you–were all over the place. One session pissed me off in particular because she kept insisting there was nothing wrong with me. Well…if that’s the case, why did she want me to keep seeing her? Why would I go out of my way to seek help if I didn’t need it? The next session I told her flat-out that I was “firing” her for that remark. And then something happened between us that day and I decided to give her another chance. I felt urges to fire her again after that, but then I started realizing this was a part of the whole process. If you have a good therapist, then you eventually get over this phase and they grow on you, flaws and all.
If you don’t click with your first choice, you can ask for a referral to another. If they’re professional, they will understand. Also, GP’s will refer you to someone. Hopefully not a psychiatrist. In my experience, unless they do therapy, they’re only interested in foisting drugs on you because that’s their job. Go to a psychologist first. A good one will try to get to know you better before referring you to a drug dealer, and will not fight you if you decide you want to forego drugs for a while (even if it’s clear you need them). That’s what mine did. She waited for the symptoms to become so blatantly apparent that I couldn’t deny them away before setting up an appointment for me with a psychiatrist. We went through three of them before we found a good one. And now we’re looking at another one, because she doesn’t think the drug combo I’m on is working.
I kind of disagree with Marxxx, about younger people being better therapists in general. I once had a young therapist (she was technically still in school), and she was a nice person and all, but because we were the same age, it was hard for me not to feel embarrassed in front of her. Yes, the current theories about the causes of and cutting-edge treatments for various illnesses are on the forefront of their minds and this is good. But if you want someone to talk to, you don’t necessarily want Encyclopedia Brown or someone used to googling all the “answers”. You want someone who’s got years and years of sympathetic listening under their belt and has seen a lot of things, in a variety of contexts.
It’s really that you should probably avoid the oldest unless their credentials match their age. In other words, are they keeping up to date? There are too many that stop learning after a certain point, and that is bad. Not only have they become jaded, but they likely don’t invest in their clients anymore.
Being up-to-date implies that they still care about their job, and are not into the mumbo jumbo that hasn’t changed in years because people are mostly discarding it.
And, yes, “clicking” is important, but do not worry if they just seem a little off. That will likely fade over time. It’s just if you are incompatible that you should be looking elsewhere.
I, for example, personally like having people who agree with my religious views. I’ve had two that matched mine quite well, even though they were actually quite different from each other. But despite their large differences, we were never incompatible with me.
It may also help to look into various forms of therapy and see which one may be what you’re looking for. I tried a few talk therapy “and how does that make you feel” therapists who were focused on dissecting my past for answers, and it was frustrating because I felt it wasn’t helping me at all. Cognitive behavioral therapy was the ticket for me, and I found someone by looking through some profiles of local therapists on the Psychology Today “Find a Therapist” site. I tried two of them, and clicked with the second one so I stuck with her.
I went to talk to one once for a specific situation that I basically just wanted one-time objective advice on from someone who doesn’t know me or the other party. She was less than useless. Spent the first 10 minutes of my so-called “hour” talking on the phone, and then seemed stumped by the situation and had nothing to say about it, except for things that began “Well, when I …,” relating some barely-relevant personal anecdote. Total and complete waste of time and money. Not a surprise. I used to be semi-friends with a psycho-therapist and she was possibly the most messed-up person I have ever met, with some serious family and self-confidence issues that colored everything she said. I cannot imagine anyone going to this woman for help. Good luck finding a good one.
My instigating situation was similar to LegsAkimbo but I had a positive experience. My talk-therapy therapist was a “Licensed Clinical Social Worker” as opposed to a “psychologist,” and was part of a group practice of several different types of therapists who all focused on a particular topical area.
She was assigned to me based on my intake sheet, in which I described my goals for therapy as “Would like to stop having drive me so batshit insane.” I did 5 sessions, got some new points of view and strategies for coping, and then she said I was done, which I agreed with.
The patent-pending groo method:
Of your friends & acquaintances, make a list of the “complicated” ones: weird and/or intelligent and/or from chaotic backgrounds. If any of them have had challenges similar to yours, nudge them to the top of the list. Of that list, if any seem to have their act together, there’s a good chance (IME) they’ve seen a good therapist and can recommend them. Either that or they’re keeping themselves functioning by sheer force of will and, optionally, strong religious conviction.
Three weaknesses:
- Whether or not someone has their act together involves both subjective and objective criteria.
- Your ability to assess any shared challenges may be subjective.
- I’m pretty sure there was a third weakness, but it escapes me ATM. Despite that, please don’t think I’m trying to be humorous with this post.
At least OP didn’t ask for a psycho the rapist.
The main thing is not being afraid to say ‘its not clicking’ and trying another. Dont talk yourself into keeping on going with them for more than a couple of sessions.
There is some research to suggest that more experienced therapists tend to give worse outcomes - they get too formulaic and jaded and start to do therapy by the numbers. There will obviously be ones who arent, its just a tendency, it also depends on how much they’re trying to keep current and the like as well.
Otara
And the rapists.
ETA. Damn. should have read the thread before trying to be funny.
You also have to be cautious not to run out on your therapist because you don’t like him forcing you to deal with your problems. If you’re going to deal with your issues things are bound to get uncomfortable at some point.
The way I would measure a good therapist is through progress. What are your goals for going into therapy? If you are making progress on your goals then I would stick with the therapist even if you find him uncomfortable.
I don’t like going to my therapist, but with every session I find that I’m better able to deal with my problems. So I keep going.
“You also have to be cautious not to run out on your therapist because you don’t like him forcing you to deal with your problems.”
If you get to 3 or more therapists maybe. If they’re doing that in the first session or so, chances are they’re rushing things anyway.
Starting out, err on the other side.
Otara
You’re right that a therapist shouldn’t be getting you to spill all your beans in the first session, but one can still feel very anxious or uncomfortable during those first few sessions just because it’s a novel experience, and mistake that as “not clicking”. Of course, that doesn’t mean red flags should be ignored or endured just 'cuz. If the therapist is falling asleep five minutes into the first session, for instance, then you might want to seriously consider another person.
But I think Lakai’s point is a good one.
Also, be prepared for the therapist to be the one who says “This isn’t working out.” They won’t say so in those words, though. They’ll say something like, “I think your problems go beyond my area of expertise, and I’m concerned I won’t be of much help. But I do know someone who might be able to help you.” (According to my therapist, many doctors in private practice get rid of patients they don’t like with this line.)
That mistake is possible but the research suggests that your chances are better if you try another therapist than ‘hanging in there’ if it doesnt feel like a connection is occurring. Nothing in life is guaranteed, all you can do is play the odds.
You can always go back if the next two therapists seem worse after all, if they’re any good that wont be an issue.
Otara
'Tis true.
But I suppose whether or not “playing the odds” is wise depends on what problems you’re having. Like, if you know you have a pattern of avoidance (of people, relationships, stress, etc.), and you want to get help with this problem, then it would be smart to force yourself to endure 2 or 3 sessions rather than bail out after the first one just because the therapist doesn’t immediately present as “ideal”. Chances are you’ll never be satisfied if you’re using the outcome of the first session as the ultimate litmus test. However, if you feel like you have a good sense of people’s character and abilities, then you should probably go with what your gut tells you to do. So I think it depends on how insightful you are.
A person’s strengths often take longer to see than their flaws, unfortunately. That’s why I’m all for waiting and seeing. But not for too long, of course.
We almost all tend to think we’re insightful unfortunately, which is why its generally better to go with an odds based approach for your first time. I’ve seen massively avoidant people make connections with the right therapist, so even there it isnt a case of ‘Im avoidant so I should hang in with the therapist no matter what’. Hang in with the third by all means.
Overall people with little therapeutic experience are far more likely tend to think its ‘their fault’ when a therapist connection doesnt feel good, ie they’re not facing up to things or being avoidant etc. They dont have to be ‘ideal’ from minute one, its more a question of ‘this doesnt feel right’.
Otara
I don’t know what you mean by “hang in with the third”. If the third turns out to be a dud, they should keep looking, or go back to the first or second. I’m all for shopping around, but eventually you have to choose someone, and the decision shouldn’t be based on some arbitrary number of therapists you’ve gone through. That’s why I think the “bailing out at first opportunity” strategy seems like an ineffiecient use of time–because then you gotta get another referral that fits your criteria (like gender, office location, therapuetic specialties, educational background, level of experience, etc.), fill out new paperwork, wait until another appointment opens up (which can take months if the therapist has brisk business), and then answer the same questions the first person asked you. And if you don’t click with them, and you’ve already been through a myriad, then you have to force yourself to “settle” with someone that you’ve already rejected, if only out of pure of exhaustion of the process. Which could literally kill you if you’re suicidal! In that case, I say find someone, give them two sessions–maybe a third if things the two sessions balance each other out–and then find someone else if you still haven’t connected with them. If things aren’t that urgent for you, then you have more of the luxury of comparison shopping.
I’m pressing this point kind of hard because as I mentioned earlier, I was all ready to quit after a short time with my therapist. We hadn’t gone through the deep stuff yet, but she kept saying things that would irritate me if I thought too hard about them too much. But I did hang in there, at her insistence, and came to realize that my urges to fire her were not always based on reason, since at that moment I wasn’t the best judge of character, being extremely depressed and all. And it’s also a pattern of mine to dismiss people too easily. Those same flaws I picked up on initially don’t bother me at all now. Now I can see the strengths.
It took almost a year for me to feel that “click” through the fog of illness. I liked her well enough in the interim, but it took a year for me to really trust that she knew what she was doing. Why so long? Because one of my problems is actually connecting with people. So “playing the odds”, if you will, would have worked against me, given my personality. Even now, I question her on why she keeps seeing me because while I feel connected to her and she tells me she’s connected to me, I don’t really believe her (though all evidence, including her allowing me to just pay co-pays after the insurance ran out, points to her telling the truth). I probably never will allow myself to believe her. So perhaps my own experiences are behind my attitude about this issue.
Unfortunately, if you’re in the U.S. you first have to see what therapists are covered in your insurance plan, and then it’s trial and error after that. Because even if you ask for referrals, what works well for one person might not work for you at all.