While I know that therapy helps countless other people, I look at it as paying someone to listen to me bitch about how crappy my life is, was and will be, with an occasional ‘epiphany’ here and there. I’m not discounting the benefits…you have someone to vent to, who will always listen, and you’ll get some good advice from them. But, that’s their job. If you didn’t have any money, they wouldn’t give you ten minutes of their time.
I’m sure the majority of therapists are caring and empathetic towards their clients, but do they really expect to be able to help all of them turn out happy and well-adjusted?
I’ve always felt that it’s up to me to solve my own problems, to ensure my own happiness and success in this world. The only person I can rely on is myself. Whatever shortcomings and merits I have are solely the result of my own effort and sacrifice.
I’ve given some thought to seeing a therapist again, but I just can’t convince myself that it will help me in the long run. It cost a lot of money, even with insurance, and I just can’t justify the expense without the absolute of something in return.
Has anyone here with a similar opinion gone into therapy and had their thinking changed? Gone in and had it reinforced?
Stories welcome, advice welcome…throw it all my way.
A lightning storm stole the original, much more coherent post, so I’m sorry if this seems disjointed…
A good therapist doesn’t just listen to venting or give good advice. A good therapist pulls answers out of you, like unraveling a ball of yarn, or peeling layers off of an onion. Such a person is trained to look for clues, and to offer you tools to help you reach those “ephiphanies”. I found therapy to be immensely helpful; even though it’s been over 15 years since then, I still use the tools I learned in therapy to help me deal with life. It can be hard work, but I recommend it highly.
It depends on what you’re going to therapy for. There are (in my opinion) waaay to many people on the couch for problems that they could fix if really gave a shit. And most don’t. They’d rather hear themselves bitch.
I’m not talking about suicidal, clinically depressed, bi-polar types (who get most of their healing through medication anyway). I’m talking about people who want someone to give them the answers because they don’t want to take responsibility for their own lives. Or people who aren’t happy because they keep making the same stupid choices. Most of them need about 20 minutes with Dr. Phil so he can tell them to quit doing what they’re doing because it obviously isn’t working.
To address the OP directly, for the most part we *are * responsible for the direction our lives take. We aren’t entitled to be completely happy and successful all the time. Regardless of the effort you put in, there is always a percentage of your success and happiness that is pure luck. That’s life, and all of it…the good and the bad…is what makes you who you are. It ain’t all daisies and butterflies. And it’s not supposed to be.
I’m willing to pay a lot for someone to listen to me and not try to cajole me out of my emotions, or try to fix it, or offer stupid advice. That’s one of the reasons I became a therapist–I’m very good at sitting with people and not trying to take away their existential experience. Many people find that companionship useful. In addition, I see it as part of my role to engage in a non-social relationship with my clients–one where I might talk with them about how we’re interacting, rather than simply giving my unexamined reaction, which they’re probably already getting from many people around them.
There are also many people who do want a quick fix, advice, or medication, and I refer them on to someone who enjoys those roles. Fine with me, but not my specialties.
Right. Just as I don’t expect any professional to look at my teeth, appraise my home, or haul my garbage if I’m not paying them. It’s a job. And since we’re ethically and legally barred from providing psychotherapy for friends and family members, even when we wish we could, we try to keep our comments general and educational, and to provide referrals.
That’s true, but as NinetyWt said, a good therapist can help you find more effective ways to do that. You can be determined to correct some aspect of your life that or something about yourself that you dislike, but because you don’t have the right tools to change or lack objectivity, are unable to fix it. A therapist can give you suggestions and help you find ways to help yourself.
When I decided to disown my father, I was happy and relieved with the choice, but I was still very angry about all the things he’d done to force me to that decision. My therapist suggested that I make a list of all the things he’d done that hurt or upset me no matter how minor. He said “look at that list every once in a while and choose something. Think about the impact it had on your life and why you’re still angry about it. Then decide if you can forgive him for it. When you can, cross it off your list.” I’d never thought of that, and I’d spent almost 25 years being angry at my father. There are very few things left on the list now, and what’s remaining may not ever get crossed off. But at least I’m no longer angry on the rare occasions that I think of him.
I just read an article recently on the popularity of Life Coaches. Turns out my sister in law is going to one so she can get up off her ass and unpack her moving boxes.
All that money and she still hasn’t unpacked.
A good therapist gives you the tools to help you fix things yourself. They really can’t “fix” anything for you since your problems will still be there after you leave the office. They can refer you to a perscribing doctor if that’s what you need. I’ve never felt that medication alone is the answer though.
Some of those tools can be different ways of thinking about things and training your thought patterns. Also, they can help you realize you’re using inappropriate or ineffective ways of coping with things. Sometimes it’s amazing what an impartial observer can see that you can’t. Then they help you find better coping techniques. You may want to do some googling on cognitive behavioural therapy. It can tell you more about what many therapists do.
A good therapist will let you know up front what they can and cannot do and what you can expect to get out of therapy.
Finally, don’t discount just having someone to listen. I noticed when I was grieving after losing someone close to me that, eventually, friends and family got sick of me being “in mourning.” They didn’t say anything, but it was clear that (after a month or so), it was getting tedious for them. However, I wasn’t finished yet. It’s nice to have someone who can accept that you’re still dealing with your issues.
I appreciate all the replies, and it all seems very appealing. But one thing I noticed was the use of the words “a good therapist”. How will I know when i have one? I may connect with them and feel they’re doing me well, but what if they’re not? What if they’re just telling me what I want to hear, or helping me take the easy path, not really pushing me? Or, what if every therapist I talk to, I don’t get along with? Finding a decent therapist is like finding a best friend, or love of your life…you have to trust them, respect them, yet keep them at a distance and realize that one day your relationship will be over. In two years, or 5 years, or whenever - you’ll be on your own again. Maybe armed with a better understanding of yourself, but what’s to stop you from doing it on your own?
Why not ‘google’ therapy techniques, study cases and learn to apply them to my life? What’s the benefit of spending an hour a week with another person who may or may not have your best interests at heart?
Generally, a lack of perspective. Also, most people don’t usually see themselves as all that bad of a person, or that they’ve necessarily done anything wrong. We rearrange things in our mind to justify what we’ve done or said and excuse it away, so getting a book and trying to do it yourself may result in ignoring a large part of the problem.
Also, if your employer has MHN, you can get a referral from them. It’s confidential, and the first three visits (I believe) are free. They’re really good about working with you to find someone you feel comfortable with.
I am bipolar so my experience is a little different than some. Medication basically takes care of the problem for me as completely as anything can. I finally found a very good psychiatrist and he treats it like the medical problem it is. I see him every few months to check in and so that he can set me up with any lab work I need for the lithium.
However, bipolar patients are also supposed to have a talk therapist as well to deal with any life issues and notice any potential problems. That sounds fine and I suppose it doesn’t hurt but my results have been less than spectacular. I have gone through 4 therapists in the last three years. Two were of the listen and nod school of thought which I viewed as a complete waste of money and time for me. I don’t seem to be one of those people that needs someone to “listen”. In fact, I find it both a chore and a bore. I have an inner dialogue going most of the time and I don’t think by talking as some people seem to. I felt like I was paying to entertain or shock someone else although those terms don’t seem to fit right. I fired both of those just because I didn’t get anything at all out of it.
My next therapist focused on concrete ideas and actions which I thought was good. However, he was a very screwed up person. Like any good therapist, he had lost his wife, children, and home and was living in the crappiest condo complex in town. At least 15 minutes of every appointment was spent talking about payments, co-pays, or something else to do with money. Did I mention I was never late with any type of payment and that is not something you ever need to discuss with me. I had a true family emergency once and he billed me double time for the appointment instead of the insurance company. One Saturday, we had a medium sized brush fire at our house and I fought it until I had to go the appointment (so he wouldn’t charge me double again). I was somewhat dirty but presentable and we had the appointment. Things went as usual. The next week, I went into my appointment and sat in the waiting room. He slammed the door open and started screaming at me: “You fucked up this entire office. I have a good mind to make you get on your hands and knees right now and start scrubbing. You won’t quit until I tell you to.” When I said no, he replied that he would just get a cleaning service to do an industrial cleaning and bill me for however many hundreds of dollars it sot. Bear in mind that none of this was true. He was pointing to the walls above his desk and the ceiling saying that I had polluted the entire room and made it uni habitable. In reality, I was only a little dirty and just walked into a chair the week before and walked straight out. I actually finished that session and fired him the next week when I calmed down. We spent that session going over his issues and what to do and not to do.
My therapist now is a very old nurse of some sort. She is entertaining and we have some fun together. She has seen it all and can spout off things that she has experienced like nobody’s business. She has dealt with bipolar patients for close to 50 years now. We will see how that goes.
Don’t get me started on my SIL who is a clinical psychologist and an ex-chemical engineer. She vehemently maintains that most psychiatric drugs have zero evidence that they work. Her advice usually centers around vitamin therapy, ultra purified water, and figuring out and avoiding food groups that may be causing psychological issues.
I know talk therapy works for some people but I have been burned hard by it all and become very cynical and there seems to be a disproportionate amount of nutters in the field.
Your work may also have an EAP (Employee Assistance Program) where you can go and get short-term therapy for free. Check on it. If it’s not for you, explain that to the counselor/therapist. If so, they’ll refer you to a longer-term therapist they’ve already checked out.
As for good versus bad, it just depends on what feels right. If the therapist isn’t focusing on what you have to say and instead just trying to tell you what’s wrong, that’s a waste of your time. I had a bad experience when I was seeing someone before my wedding. She kept trying to tell me that all my anxiety stemmed from my not being ready for marriage yet. Ummmmmm…simply not the case. I wanted to talk about my personal issues, not let her try to rearrange my major life events.
On the other hand, having a therapist who can listen to you and be objective about those things that make you the most emotional can be life-changing. My best experience was when I was having lots of trouble in college and a counselor asked me if I’d thought about any possible solutions, such as taking a year off. No pressure, just a suggestion. It sounded awful, in theory. I talked through the possibility with her, and it became less scary. She was able to help me see through the walls I’d put up–there was no good reason not to take a break and get my life re-organized. No one else could have done that for me, completely impartially. Everyone else, especially my loved ones, had a stake in the decision, and I didn’t feel like I was allowed to make it until that day.
Unfortunately, many people go into the field of therapy/psychology/psychiatry when what they are trying to do is understand themselves, which is pretty inappropriate. I understand that you have to go through therapy while you are training to be a therapist, but I guess many come to see themselves as The Healers, not The Ones With The Problem, and end up projecting all their shit.
I’ve had a number of professionals, who have all been psychiatrists (as those are covered by medicare) until the current one (whom I get to see as I’m a student). The first one infuriated me because he would never say anything, just listen to me kvetch until I was done. The next one, whom I saw one time, projected on me in a big way. The next one was good but really was a psychiatrist when what I needed was a therapist. I had pretty much given up when I got a recommendation for an actual therapist, and she’s proven very good - helped me get at things that I didn’t know were there, let alone have access to. So finding a good therapist takes time and recommendations for others, and you have to be prepared to let a couple go by before you find someone who’s a good fit for your needs and what works best for you. It’s not like a mechanic - you need to find someone whom you can relate to properly.
It helps to interview a potential therapist beforehand. When I’m a client, I have a list of questions to go through–some on the phone, some at a first meeting. If I start with a therapist and s/he isn’t a good fit or isn’t doing a good job, I consider finding another therapist. Same for a hairdresser, or internist, or auto mechanic, or girlfriend.
Shagnasty, that therapist’s behavior warrants a conversation with his licensing board. There are many things that concern me in your post, not least of which is charging you double for a missed session. Even if that policy was in his informed consent statement, it seems peculiar to me.
LunaV, there is probably a lot you can do on your own or with cheaper resources (like a support group). Therapy isn’t the best method for everybody, and not everybody benefits from it. As to whether the therapist has your best interests at heart, why wouldn’t s/he? That doesn’t mean that you and s/he would agree about what those interests are, however, which is why I favor periodic conversations about how the therapy is going.
And, again, my dentist thinks it would be in my best interests for me to have my old crowns replaced, including a root canal on a healthy root, and breaking some bones in my jaw for various reasons. I don’t doubt that this would be helpful in certain ways, but we agree to disagree. If she remained fixed on this and did not seem to be listening to my preferences, I’d consider getting a new dentist. However, we agree that this is not an urgent matter and that it’s my choice. If I had jaw cancer or something severe going on and she was persistent, I’d hope that I would at least consider her point of view.
I considered reporting it to some outside body but decided against it for my own sake. I get blood lust if I start down a path like that and that is just something I didn’t want to deal with at the time. I purposely waited a week to figure out what I should do. I am serious when I say that I decided to turn the tables and go over his many issues the next week. He was very shamed and apologetic but I stood firm. That was about the best thing I do for myself. It was very traumatic however and friends and family were very concerned out the situation.
In many ways the act of ‘seeking help’ is as important or more so than much of the help you receive. Taking that step towards seeking help alows you to come to terms with yourself that you do have some problem. Maybe you find counciling is good for you, maybe it isn’t, but you will then learn about group sessions support meetings, etc. You also quickly learn that you are not in a unique situation, and can look to learn how others manage to survive or what mistakes others made that caused them to fail to survive.
You also can quickly learn that the problems you are having aren’t really because of a fault in yourself, so much as something you can alter that is just currently part of yourself.
The only thing my therapists ever ask me was : “How do you feel?”
Over, & over, & over, & over…I don’t go to therapists anymore.
For me, a waste of time & money. YRMV.
Finding the right therapist is important. And one that works for me, may not work for you and vice versa. I’ve had a few and when I found the right one, I just knew it. Sometimes it took me a while to realize that one wasn’t right for me but you just keep trying.
As far as googling and doing it yourself goes; Why not google and find out how to replace your transmission? or remove your appendix? or fly to the moon?
For a lot of things, looking it up on the internet is no substitute for a trained professional. Tell yours upfront about your reservations, including the fact that you think it is possible that they may just be taking your money.
I’ve had a varied experience with therapists, but I still feel therapy is useful overall.
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I was having chronic panic attacks and finally went for help. After finally sleeping for the first time in weeks I had the focus to do talk therapy. This guy started from my childhood, which I had never really examined. He was very good at asking questions to elicit what my emotional experiences were and I learned a great deal about the patterns that developed for me. I decided to move away after a lot of these issues were brought up but not resolved in any way. He told me I could move away but the issues would still be there.
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True enough. I went back to therapy after moving and was less impressed. I’m pretty smart, and I have a good memory, and I knew that this woman was just repeating things she had read in my chart from the last therapist. :rolleyes: She was OK but I didn’t learn a lot.
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I had to go back to therapy because I couldn’t get meds without it, through the mental health svcs program under my insurance. This woman was pretty good; she’s into this Jungian business about your spirit or something. She made some intellectual comments about what happens in my mind but also was helpful in pointing out patterns that weren’t so healthy. I left it that I would take a break from her but could she give me the name of an eating disorders counselor. Haven’t heard from her on that yet.
The funny part is soon after I stopped, I was faced with two medical crises in my family, which also necessitated dealing with my father who is a difficult person to be with sometimes, and a frequent source of therapy conversations. Just when I faced that was when I didn’t have a therapist to see.
But I feel that what I learned helped me through that. The therapists all gave me an objective read (colored somewhat by their philosophies, but still more objective than what I thought) on the things that bug me. In the end, it is up to me to work on changing these things, but they gave me good ideas and perspective.
Interviewing potential therapists about how active they are in the session, how they balance listening and talking, their theoretical orientation, etc., can be helpful in determining a good match.